Tired, sore, frustrated, confused and upset!

Okay, WTF! I've had the best and worst of things today. First, the best! We did our 11km city run - one loop of the two-loop track for the half-marathon in TWO WEEKS. It was pretty easy for a hill runner like me and I got the 11km done in 60.23min, I was aiming for an hour but I reckon I can say the 23 seconds (plus MORE) was spent at traffic lights. HATE running in the city for this reason, thankfully on race day we'll get to run in the middle of the road as the streets are closed. Anyway, I felt FANTASTIC ... I started off frozen to the bone, so cold my feet were numb and it took at least 10mins before I felt even remotely warm and 20 before I started to sweat. I just had such great energy in my legs and mentally I felt great, only low point was when I realised I REALLY needed to go to the loo. Hate stopping for a loo break as I always find it so hard to get my pants back on if I'm sweating a bit, so I decided to ignore it for a while and - yay - the feeling went away.

So that was all good. Now, here's the bad. I drove 30mins to my friend, B's, place which she had just moved into today. B is the one who has left me frustrated, confused and upset. Why? Well, I'm still so upset that it's hard for me to articulate it ... but I will describe some of her actions, simply because I NEED to get this stuff off my chest. First of all, she doesn't ask me how I am or about my life for the entire three hours I'm with her. Not even "oh, and how are you?". No, it was all talking about her "boyfriend" or rather, supposed boyfriend. They dated for, like, three weeks before she got sick of his inaction and started ignoring him ... at which point they had some bizarre phone conversation during which they decided they were more than friends and more than just dating, they were "serious" and "exclusive". All this without so much as a hug! Weird eh? Anyway, he's - strangely enough - gone weird (although frankly, he was already weird) and so I listened and made supportive noises. Although I do believe that she is genuinely hurt that he's treated her with such indifference, and I do know how much that hurts.

I helped her put her bed together, make the bed, put her Ikea wardrobe together (which was extremely heavy and frustrating work, friggin' allen keys can BITE me) and then drove her to a nearby pub - which I LOVE - for lunch. This is where it allll goes pear-shaped. Okay, so my body is sore. In the last seven days I've run 18km+7km+5km time trial+11km, done Bikram, done to Pump classes and done a 1hr20min cardio session of my own making at the gym. I know it's my own doing and I've chosen to do it, but that does not mean that when I sit down in a rather low chair at the pub I'm not permitted to say "ouuuuch" when my hammies, gluts and quads scream in protest. I wasn't asking for sympathy or comment, I just couldn't help it! To this she rolls her eyes and says "you've got no-one to blame but yourself", adding that she doesn't understand why I want to do a half-marathon because "it's so boooooooring" - more eye rolls.

Fine, whatever. I realise that running isn't for everyone. And frankly, I really only do it because for me it is my ultimate challenge ... as a fat kid and fat teen I hated running because I couldn't do it well/fast and people teased me when I did it. These days ... I am still don't run especially well and definitely not fast, but I constantly challenge myself because it makes me stronger - physically and mentally, and I feel like somehow I am replacing bad childhood/teen memories about running with GOOD ones like crossing the finish line for the half-mara and making new friends, friends and family telling me how proud they are of me etc.

So yeah, frankly she doesn't have to think MY running a half-marathon is interesting or exciting, but as one of my good friends should she not at least be mildly supportive? Or - if she really feels so strongly about it - say nothing? Grr, strike one.

Then, we start talking about her new flatmate, Fireman Nick. He sounds so lovely and I feel a bit sorry for him with her moving in, because I don't think he knows what he's got himself in for (they met on Flatmate Finders - total strangers). Anyway, she tells me that she thinks he's the male equivalent of me because there are "running magazines, health food, vitamins and shit lying around". Um, yeah ... I don't take vitamins because I eat a fabulously healthy diet (minus the chips I had at lunch ... but I was upset), and frankly it's MY house. She stayed with me for four days last year when she had NOWHERE else to go and never said so much as thank you or offered to pay for any groceries etc, and helped herself to my stuff including my clothes! Anyway, that's how she knows about my running mags etc because SINCE then she has only come back to use my internet when she didn't pay her bill.

Okay, so thinly veiled attack on running and stuff again. I ask her about Fireman Nick, and it turns out he's single etc etc and I was like (kinda joking) "Hellooooo Nick". To which she tells me that he would never go for me because I'm too "stuck up". Um. Okay. This is my FRIEND telling me this. WTF? I was like "do you think I'm stuck up" and she back-pedals wildly saying noooo, but I think you give that impression. Umm, told her that was no better and to explain. So yeah, when I meet new people I tend to be a bit quiet because I'm shy and not 100% confident in myself. I was unhappy and overweight for a long time, and although I've now lost weight and feel a lot happier (except today) I still have my "fat girl" insecurities, especially in foreign crowds of people. So this is apparently where I come off as "stuck up", because I keep to myself.

Anyway, I having said that it doesn't take me long to warm up ... not long at all, especially if I can get talking with someone and find something in common with them. Know what I mean? Oh god, anyway ... it REALLY hurt my feelings. I am from a very modest family and I really do believe that I give everyone an equal chance ... SHE is the judgemental one because she thinks $$ is everything because she's from a multi-million dollar family and earns over $100,000. I could do her job ... but I choose not to because I like having a life and time to DO stuff. ARGH.

I asked her to explain, further, what she meant. So she changes her story and tells me no, I am not stuck up, I am fussy/picky. Uhhh, what do you mean - I asked her. And she ... I cannot believe this ... she attacked my other friends, the friends who I am closer to than her! I am not kidding. My two BEST friends, from high school, A and G. She says that THEY are clearly not picky because of some of their bad choices with men. A particularly. And yeah, A has made some very ... unwise decisions on men, sometimes with disastrous results ... but it was simply because she gives everyone a chance to prove themselves, and sometimes it just hasn't worked out. G stayed in a not-so-good relationship for seven years ... probably three years too long, and it's taken her a while to get over. But my supposed FRIEND says "look at her! She's so selective she'll never find someone until she's 45 and desperate". WTF! Again I say, WTF.

She then picks on a friend who I was recently bridesmaid for, a friend from uni and high school who has stuck by me through a LOT of sh*t and bad times and helped me when I was at my lowest. I love her dearly, but genetics or whatever have not been kind to her ... her features are a bad mix, you know? Big nose, eyes too close together, terrible skin which she does NOT help by picking at it etc. Anyhoo, she says "you know, maybe the reason she's married and you're not is because she's not picky". Oh. My. God. Seriously, I am not picky ... I haven't rejected anyone for their job, there has been no-one around TO reject for anything! Oh, except that knob married guy BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED.

I was SO hurting inside, I just said - in a very quiet and controlled voice - that she had just criticised three of my best friends who she knew nothing about and who each meant a LOT to me.

Oh god, there was other stuff too ... I just can't talk about it. We both went VERY quiet, and I drove her to the local supermarket so she could buy some food and then home again. She said NOTHING. Not even thank you.

Now I am soooo hurt and upset (and frustrated). I WISH I had just told her to shut up and gone off at her, but we were in public and ... dammit, I am too polite. Polite might not be the right word ... but I just didn't want to cause a scene etc. Well, enough! I am giving myself this week to cool off, and she is going away from Thurs - Tues, and then I am going to organise to see her and I will explain to her how much she has hurt me and ... see what she has to say. I do not want to let the friendship go ... she helped me and was my support team when I first started to lose weight, and it meant and still means a lot to me. I feel bad for her because she has put on quite a lot of weight and now I am much smaller than her, the tables have turned etc. I don't know or understand how she's feeling ... but to her image is everything, so for me to be slimmer/fitter etc than her ... it's clearly bothering her!

Ahhhh sh*t, I just want to go to bed. And you know what ... it may only be 8.50pm but I'm tired, sore, frustrated, confused AND upset, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions ... so I'm going to bed!