Today is a new day

I have just about recovered from Friday's horrible-ness. Although it would help if that moron would stop texting me telling me he's sorry and that he just wants me in his life, in any way, shape or form. Bah! Have ignored everything.

I woke up with the poem below going through my head ... a bit paraphrased mind you, as I can never remember it all! Damn brain cells killed by booze, ha ha. Anyway, this is my attitude to life ... do not wait for it to happen, do not wait for it to get better, to change - go out and get it. Do not slip quietly into the shadows, stand in the sun and enjoy every second.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

     -- Dylan Thomas

The World of A$$holes

I've entered it! That guy who I had such a faaabulous night in Canberra with ... well, I went out with him yesterday. A six hour date. It was equally as fabulous, exciting, nerve-wracking etc etc. We were having a great time until he dropped the ultimate bombshell. He's married! With kids! OMFG I wanted to punch him in his gorgeous matinee idol face.

He went on with the usual crap, he's unhappy, he wants to change his life, he thinks I could be the one to help him turn his life around. It was horrendous. As I told that DOUCHEBAG, I am not that girl. I don't care how much I like him ... sorry, liked him, how much fun we have together, how many things in common we have etc etc, I am not going there. Told him if he's so unhappy with his life he should do something to change it, or suck it up and shut up. Moron.

Stalked off to meet friends for dinner, had short bitch about it and moved on. He texted me about 10 times during the night. Ignored it. Continuing to ignore calls etc.

Despite zero sleep I still went running this morning, was supposed to be 12km but I was sooo tired that I managed more like 11km. Going to go again tomorrow morning before work. I need to burn off some serious anger ... although it's not really anger, it's serious annoyance. And I am so offended that NONE of the guys on that boys' weekend, many of whom I was talking to during the night, didn't mention it to me! Including the guy I went to uni with ... in fact he was encouraging me, telling me what a great guy he is. Argh! Cannot believe this happened. Oh, and another gold star to him - he assured me this was not in fact the first time he'd cheated on his wife. Although he didn't think kissing me and leading me on was really cheating. I wonder how SHE would feel about that. Bastard.

So, blaaah. After running had quick shower and change and then went and had pre-bridesmaid disaster weekend facial. It was soooo so nice. Ahh. Keeping very low profile tonight, need to get some sleep.

Back to reality

Hideous running session last night. 8x400m. I suck at this, I am not a speed demon - my brain isn't calibrated for short, sharp bursts of running ... I prefer the mental challenge of 1hr-plus runs. Argh, anyway, I made it through but felt sick in the stomach for most of it. Hadn't felt fabulous during the day, no appetite (VERY unusual) and headachy, but I figured the sick in the stomach thing was simply from the exertion.

Very early this morning discovered that oh no, it wasn't the exertion ... I have some disgusting, vile stomach bug that is making me wish I could crawl up and die. Or at least have my mum here to look after me. I know she would come to Sydney if I wanted her to ... but I'm sure in another 24 hours I will feel human again. Dear god, I hope so as I have that blimmin' hot date. Refuse to cancel.

Doc has given me a shot of something, starting with M ... I can't remember, I was in a stupor. Hah, but on a side note - if you ever want to go through the queue at a medical centre quickly - turn up looking green with a bucket! There was nothing else that could be done! I'm sorry, I would rather carry a bucket around with me than puke in public. Thankfully I didn't have to worry, was in the surgery with a shot in the arm in about 2 mins.

Very good way to cut down on food intake, but I really do NOT want to be here again. Save me! Or at least get my mum to Sydney :)

What a difference...

I don't know if it's the Bikram, the running, the Pump or any of the other stuff I've been doing ... but something seems to be working! I am ignoring the scales, mainly because mine are in no way accurate and I hate getting on them in the gym (they're in the middle of the weights area AND are those old fashioned ones which do not make it easy to do a quick weight check), but things are looking HEAPS different. Especially the arms, especially the hated upper arms ... suddenly I'm not hating them quite so much, I'm seeing more definition and when I brush my teeth there's nothing dangling from under my arm! Noice.

I actually think the biggest change is in my head. I went to Canberra to watch my dear Brumbies BEAT THE LIFE out of the hapless Waratahs on Friday, took me ol' dad and my mum tagged along in lieu of my little bro who had to stay in Sydney. Found out - via Facebook - that an old uni friend of mine was going, so we organised to catch up for a drink at the game and head out afterwards. We went to pretty much the ONLY pub in Canberra I know, and I had one of those fabulous nights you replay in your mind 1001 times a day.

The pub was PACKED, but the crowd had such a good natured vibe it was unbelievable (or maybe un-Sydney). The line for the bar was four deep all the way around, but people weren't getting pissy, the bar staff were rushed off their feet but were still friendly, and those waiting were well-mannered and friendly, chatting and following the bar honour code - knowing who was there first and letting that order before them. Bumping into people in the crowd didn't result in a filthy look, but a happy smile! Whoo hoo.

It was soooo hot inside, so my friend and I escaped outside where it was also packed but at least had some ventilation. We sat at a big table which was half-empty and immediately its occupants started chatting to us, they soon left and more people came and struck up a conversation. I love conversations with strangers ... you never know what they might have to say!

Anyway, my friend had gone off to the loo and bar and I was happily sitting and waiting for her when this guy trips on the uneven paving stones and almost lands in my lap. Hah, what luck, I think. We got chatting about the game, he was a Waratahs supporter (sucker) and I enjoyed gently ribbing him about the game. The hilarious twist came when my friend came back from the loo and he recognised her ... from uni, the same uni I went to! Suddenly my mind took 10 years off him, and added some hair and I did vaguely recognise him ... but he absolutely did not recognise me. I didn't think it necessary to point out that since uni days I've lost about 15kg ... oh, and stopped letting friends cut my hair, stopped wearing jeans/RMs/rugby jerseys every day and started wearing heels, nice clothes and make-up.

This guy was with a big group (ie: 15) of guys who were on a boys weekend away ... yeah, I thought Canberra was an odd location too, but oh well! Soon enough I found myself surrounded by these men who all wanted to talk to me, tell me how fabulous I was and make me laugh. They seemed to alternate, introduce themselves, have a bit of a chat before the next one barged in and did the same. Soon I was happily ensconced in a conversation with four of the guys, including the uni guy, and my friend - no, I hadn't forgotten about her.

The next thing I know this gorgeous, gorgeous man good naturedly elbows the guy closest to me out of the way saying "excuse me, we haven't met" ... looks me fair in the eye and says "Hi, I'm XXXX", replied with "Hi XXXX, I'm Amanda - nice to meet you". Then HE says, in front of these five other people, "Hi Amanda, you are absolutely beautiful" ... then moves on to introduce himself to my friend. It was so smooth I wanted to vomit on him ... but at the same time you could NOT wipe the smile off my face ... argh, I'm such an easy touch, flattery will get you everywhere. Managed to pick up the conversation with the original group, but this guy had other ideas ... jostling people around so he could stand next to me and then took the conversation in a completely different direction.

It continued along that vein for the next hour or so, I would start talking to other guys in the group or my friend - and sooner or later MrX would be squeezing in next to me, pushing some other bloke out of the way to talk to me. God, call me pathetic, shallow or whatever but I was LOVING it. It has been SO long since I had some male attention ... despite two years with D!! I had forgotten what it was like to actually be desired by the opposite sex, to be flirted with, charmed and have people vying for your attentions.

I'm not sure if it was me, or the other guys in Mr X's group, but one or all of us gave in and while they would join conversations with me - they realised that Mr X had an agenda and did not try so hard to flirt with me. As for my friend, I TRIED to stay with her - I really did - but she did seem happy in conversation with various guys. I should mention that while I love my friend dearly and loved catching up with her, at the time when the uni guy nearly fell into my lap the conversation well was running a tad dry. We do not have nearly as much in common, she still dresses like we both did at uni ... but with a bit more of a surf edge, and she still makes no effort with hair or make-up. Each to their own, but it made me realise how very different I was to that girl from 10 years ago - naturally!

After MUCH cajoling Mr X finally convinced me to join him inside for a dance. In fact, I think it was uni guy who said "just go have a dance with him, he won't bite!" that pushed me over the edge. On the dancefloor, in front of a pimply uni student cover band who weren't half-bad, we joined the sweaty crowd for some dancing ... unfortunately the song was Funky Town which is NOT really one of the best dance hits in the history of music. There was air guitar ... from both of us. Yeah, it was lame but it was very appropriate and funny. And then, on that sweaty, packed dancefloor filled with uni students and rugby fans, Mr X kissed me! It was absolutely one of those frozen-in-time moments, when all the people around us faded away ... and it was a nice kiss. No tongue, soft and lingering ... ahhhh.

That was enough for me, not being one to partake in pub pashing (hello - tacky much?), I made him go back outside and rejoin the group ... where I found my friend making her escape. I felt sooo bad, so VERY bad for leaving her ... but I was just electric after Mr X's kiss. Oops, my bad. The boys' weekend group seemed to be disbanding, with some going for pizza, some going to other pubs etc. Mr X convinced me to go for a walk with him, to the nightclub where the group were heading next. Naturally I was apprehensive, but he did seem harmless enough and nice.

So we walked, chatted, sat down, chatted. I cannot recall how, but we soon discovered an absolute MOUNTAIN of things in common. Horse riding, pony club, growing up in small-ish country coastal towns, sport, personality, likes, dislikes. It was literally unbelievable. We talked and talked about growing up, about work, about ambitions ... oooh, it was just brilliant.

Anyway, due to the fact I had been up since about 6am, done Bikram, cleaned the house and driven to Canberra I soon hit that sleepy wall that - combined with the six drinks I'd had - was impossible to get over. Mr X only propositioned me once ... but it was a flat out no from me as that is NOT my thang. Not anymore anyway. After meeting up with some of the group, I decided I just HAD to go before I lost my ability to be funny and witty, and fell asleep in the corner. Mr X walked me to a taxi, leaned over the top of the door for a kiss and waved me goodbye.

Ahhhh, a fabulous night.

Oh, and yes - he got my number. Yes, he called. And YES, I am seeing him on Friday!!!!!

Your limit...

Do you know your exercise limit? I guess you really only know when you go over it, which is exactly what I did on Saturday. As it turns out, my limit is a 8km run and a five hour Bikram workshop ... the day after working for 11-hours, doing Pump (only 45-mins), watching a rugby match, drinking 4 beers and 2 glasses of red wine and walking approx. 3km walking in three inch heels.

I got home at 12.30am on Friday night/Saturday morning and woke up at 6am with glowing red eyes and a nasty niggling headache. Fabulous! Drank about a litre of water, coffee and powerade (not mixed together), eye drops and Panadol and fronted up for the run. We did 2km warm-up, then 10mins of serious core-work, dynamic stretching and we were off. It. Was. Hard. My legs felt heavy and tired ... in fact, all of me felt heavy and tired. I still came home pretty well, I think, but I had to push myself every single tiny step of the way, and at the 3km mark I really wanted to give up. But I didn't! I ran it in 45mins, which was bang-on the time I was vaguely aiming for.

Buoyed by the fact I didn't give up and ran the time I wanted to I raced home for shower, change of clothes and super-quick and light breakfast before heading off for my Bikram workshop. Now THIS was hard. It was basically a Bikram session drawn out over five hours (minus a 15 min break), but with more breaks, more talking (from the instructor) and WE were allowed to ask questions. The instructor was a GODDESS, OMFG. Gorgeous, lithe and sooo lovely and friendly. Argh, good inspiration though. Anyway, she broke down each posture into more manageable morsels ... sometimes I get a bit swept away by the instruction in class, so this was really helpful to actually find out what I was supposed to be doing.

I drove home exhausted beyond belief (almost falling asleep), aching all over AND feeling incredibly inspired and positive. I have been jotting down little notes everywhere every time I remember something amazing I heard/watched and will put it together in a more coherent form at some point in time. For me I think the main message was to choose to live your life the way you want to. Want to spend your life wishing you could do things, but never attempting to do them ... or attempting things once or twice and then giving up? No! Spend your life choosing to follow your dreams and desires, and keep on following them. Further on that, the theory was to hold yourself accountable to yourself, when you go for a Bikram session (or a run/gym class) commit to working as hard as you can on that day. You know, some days you feel 150%, others more like 100%, and sometimes much less. It was all about listening to your body, working with it instead of against it and being friends with it instead of hating it.

Obviously went on a lot longer than that, but it was light a silver shaft of light went into my head and brushed some of the dust off those emotions I've neglected ... things like self-esteem and appreciation for myself and my efforts. Sometimes I just feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

Anyway, a run and Bikram workshop after a night out is DEFINITELY my limit.

Monday

Feeling 1001 times better today, amazing what a decent night's sleep will do for you.

Here is my exercise plan for this week, unfortunately it is subject to late changes due to work n' stuff, but this is the plan.

Mon: 7km run, 20 min cardio (depending on time), 1 hr pump
Tues: 90 min Bikram
Wed: 1.5 - 2 hr running training
Thurs: Bikram
Fri: 45 min Pump
Sat: Running - 8km, 5 hour intensive Bikram "posture" clinic.
Sun: 30 min light run somewhere noice. Beach? Will depend on the weather.

Adventurous I know ... will also depend on me being able to get a decent amount of sleep at some stage.

Plan is to eat super healthy and clean too. Today is so far so good: 1/2 cup muesli with 2 tabs yoghurt for breakfast, handful of nuts for morning tea, multi-grain roll with 2 slices ham, salad for lunch (no butter of course), banana and box of sultanas for afternoon snack. Also about to have a coffee to give me a bit of a boost ahead of my arvo run. Fallin' asleep. Sure, sure it's not ideal ... but better than being totally zoned out while running. Today actually remembered watch and proper running pants. AND going to test out new shoes today. Well, new-ish shoes anyway. Bought them last year but then developed emotional attachment to the shoes I ran my 1/2 mara in. They, however, are now approaching their final stages - boo hoo!

Well that was stooopid...

Yep. This weekend has been a write off in more ways than one.\
Physically okay, running on Saturday (12km) was great, was a hard trail run and I felt strong the whole way and even chased down one of the faster runners in the last 2km. Whoo hoo.

That's where the good stuff ends and the crap begins. Went out for drinks with some friends on Saturday night and we ended up having Thai for dinner ... had simple chicken and cashew stir fry and had about 1/2 cup of rice, so that wasn't too bad. The eight or so drinks following was definitely NOT good, nor was the 1/2 pita toasted with cheese (low fat - blah) I had to eat when I got home.

Sunday, today, was absolute utter crapola and I actively made the decision for it to be utter crapola. Breakfast started fabulously with porridge made with water and a cup of tea, then I met a friend for some shopping and had coffee ... and a muffin. Saw a movie, He's Just Not That Into You, which struck some firm and savage blows with me ... realising how utterly crap my relationship with D was ... how many mistakes we both made, but how I should've seen the bloody signs a lot earlier. Ate nice bag of air popped pop-corn, which isn't SO bad, but then ate good handful or two of mixed lollies. By choice! I actively bought them with the intent to eat them. Grrr.

Afterwards, minor hooray, found the perfect shoes for the bridesmaid's gig ... PLUS they were reduced to $60 and it was 50% off that! Noice. $124.95 shoes for $34.50. I was stoked, and I will definitely wear them again.

Then, utter crap again. Went for a few beers and, once again, actively made the decision to have a few DISGUSTING cigarettes. Why, why, WHY? I hate the things, they made me/make me feel disgusting and are the worst thing a person can do to their body. Why did I do this?

Argh, as if that wasn't bad enough I then stoooopidly answered a phonecall from D when I was feeling all melancholy and it was a horrible conversation with him - as usual - talking to me with such hurtful indifference. Why did I answer the phone. Felt utterly miserable about the whole day.

Think I redeemed myself ever so slightly by having nice healthy dinner with kanagaroo steak, baby spinach and mashed sweet potato.

So, what can I do? Well, start a fresh I guess. Suffer dreadfully during tomorrow afternoon's 7km run and Pump class and basically learn a hard lesson.

What's that saying ... to err is human to forgive is divine? I've erred, that's for sure, now I must forgive myself and allow myself to move on from this and not let it become the pattern for the week/month etc.

Step one of the recovey process will be to ... sleep. Get a good 8 hours tonight and start tomorrow feeling a bit more nornmal :)