You know what I'm talking about, those toys which use (I think) some form of capillary action/gravity/evaporation ... look, I don't know what it is that makes them work, but this is what I mean.
That's how I feel at the moment - completely up and down. One day I will be up, and feel positive about the future and ready to move on from undeserving men who treat people like s*** and never look back. I feel positive about health, fitness etc.
But the next day I'm down, I am questioning why I keep choosing the wrong men, who treat people like s*** and can do this without a second-thought to the other person's emotions.
Then I'm back up, thinking "who cares, let's live life", then down again wondering what went so wrong and what I did that made him go from wanting to plan weekends away and doing lovely thoughtful things, to complete indifference/disinterest.
Today I am somewhere in between the two, but mostly tired because I lay in bed until way too late last night with my mind buzzing through so many questions about why the previously mentioned s*** keeps happening to me. In all of this s***, I am the common denominator. How and why do I keep finding these guys? Who don't even show me basic good manners by letting me know they don't want to see me again, they just stop returning calls/texts and hope I'll get the hint. WHY? It's such an a**hole thing to do, and shows so little consideration or regard for the other person. How could you do it?
If it was after a few dates, I would not be worrying about this. But in the last year, two guys who were on the precipice of becoming "someone special" - after three months of dating - just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know they're both still alive, so death is not the excuse, and neither are in a coma - the only other acceptable excuse.
I am really trying not to focus on this though, but I really wish I knew what it is about me that guys don't even think I'm worth the 30 seconds it might take to send a text message saying: "I'm sorry, I don't want to see you anymore". Or something. I'm trying reaaaally hard, also, not to make it about the size of my thighs/bum etc, but the thought keeps going through my mind "nobody would treat someone hot/thin like this". Then again, I'm sure they do.
*sigh* I really need to force myself to stop thinking about this, I probably need some closure ... but I'm never going to get it from the last idiot manchild, so I must get it for myself. I keep telling myself that it's a GOOD thing, what has happened, because clearly I would never want to be with someone who treats people as he's treated me ... but for some reason, it's just not getting through.
What are the magic words I need to say to make everything feel okay again? I really wish I knew.
Friday, 11 January 2013
The title of this post is somewhat misleading ... but I can't think of a word to describe somewhat bouncing back, or heading in the right direction TO bounce back. Any ideas on that one?
I must thank the universe for my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am generally the strong, supportive type and rarely am I the one calling others for a shoulder to cry on, and ask for reassurance. For the first time in a veeery long time, I reached out and asked for help. Not because I was hurting, I've been hurt before and that I can handle by myself, but because I was so confused. How can something change so completely in three days?
We thrashed it out, went through possible situations, reasons, scenarios, issues, and basically talked ad nauseam about this guy and what could be going through his mind. All we could really determine was that there was something going on, and we would never know what. After much debate, it was agreed that I needed to give him a lifeline - to reach out to him in case he was going through something and didn't know how to either ask for help, or tell me what was going on and explain why he needed space. Was he thinking he'd left it too long to contact me, was he wanting to contact me but thought I didn't want to hear from him? These were some of the issues that were raised that might be preventing him from reaching out. Some friends recounted how they had been through similar things, where at the exact wrong time they'd gone through "something" and left it too long to contact someone who they wanted to. Then, the fear of rejection/anger stopped them from contacting that person - but they always wished that person would contact them.
Based on this thinking, we agreed a lifeline, in the form of a friendly, short and open message, would be delivered in the form of a friendly, inviting text message. It was sent. And replied to. But the reply was so "ridiculous" (as described by two friends separately) that we agreed that things were done and dusted and I should not spend another minute worrying about it.
The first 24-hours were tough, but fortunately I was too tired and sore (first 10km run in three months or so) to really care too much. My friends were worried about leaving me alone with my thoughts, so insisted on taking me out to dinner one night, and then I took myself off to the movies with some friends another night ... three-hours of 'The Hobbit' was a good way to spend an evening during Sydney's spell of hot weather. But really, I'd already been through the terribly hurt phase ... I was already healing.
I've had lots of great and motivating comments and support from friends but, as always, until I got the following point of view into my head I still had the urge to try to contact him to get - if nothing else - a definitive explanation and that ever-elusive closure.
Here's what I'm now thinking. To cut contact with someone and give no form of explanation, no matter the circumstances, is a selfish thing to do. Unless you have breathed your last breath or are in a coma - there is simply no excuse.
When you break it off with someone and you know they're not expecting it - you know you will hurt their feelings and it will be an awkward situation, ignoring the possibility that they go apeshit on you and tell you what a jerk/bitch you are. It's a given there will be hurt feelings and awkward/uncomfortable moments for both parties. By simply ignoring someone, you are being - aside from a range of other adjectives - incredibly selfish and self-indulgent.
Because you are only thinking of yourself. Not only are you selfish, but you're potentially stupid. If you rationalise your behaviour somewhere along the lines of "the truth would hurt them more" - you clearly haven't thought this one through. By simply dropping contact with someone and leaving them to "get the hint" you don't want to see them again - you are still hurting them, but this way you don't risk hurting yourself or putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. They would be hurt no matter how you do it, so why not share in some of the negative feelings? You're the cause of them, so partake in the aftermath.
I am by no means perfect, and I have freely admitted that in the past I have after one or two dates dropped contact with someone because I was not interested. In some cases this has been because they're potential lunatics, but mostly because we both knew there was nothing to pursue. If any of these guys, however, continued trying to contact me - I would then let them know that I wasn't interested.
I have always been up-front, straight-forward and honest with ending something with someone I'm seeing seriously. It's incredibly awkward, you know they will invariably disappointed, upset, angry, confused etc. Even if I don't like them as a person in "that" way, I care about them as a person - a fellow human being- even if I don't want to be involved with them.
Sooo, where am I going with this? Hopefully I've gotten close to explaining why I think ignoring someone, rather than telling them straight out that you don't want to see them, is a bad and nasty thing to do. Yes? You know it will hurt them to ignore them, but you do it anyway to avoid hurting yourself by telling them straight or, at the very least, being in an awkward situation. Selfish. [Seriously though, how hard is it to send a text saying "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me. I don't want to continue things, but I wish you all the best in the future"]
Here is where I'm going and why I'm heading towards bouncing back ... I don't want to be with that sort of selfish and cruel person. So now, I am relieved at the turn of circumstances. I've dodged a bullet! And it happened before I got "too" involved. Or relocated (it was on the cards). Phew!
I still have moments where I feel a bit low, and wonder whether I did something wrong, or whether my bum too big, or is the reason he could treat me like this is because he had no respect for me, or didn't want to make the effort because I'm not worth it, etc etc, but I am refusing to go there. That's just bs.
So, moving on and bouncing back. It's been great to vent all my thoughts and feelings here, and it's been so heart-warming to see all my friends rally around me to make sure I'm okay and cheer me up, so they are two more positives I've gotten out of this. I feel very lucky and looking forward to a great 2013.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Warning: pathetic, self-serving, self-pity and pathetic rant ahead. But I am hurting so badly right now I feel sick.
It's the "guy" ... or the guy who was the guy, and is now seemingly no longer the guy. And if he IS still the guy, in his mind, I don't think I want him to be the guy.
The chronological sequence of events that have led to this moment...
Two weeks ago (pre-christmas): drove 2 hours to visit "the guy", taking with me a Christmas ham which was given to me as a work gift but that I had no chance of eating, and a Christmas present for his daughter (non-expensive, but she loves it). Despite me making the effort to see him, I make us both dinner ... and then have to get up at 5.30am the next morning to drive back to Sydney in time for work.
One week ago: Leave my family who I spend precious little time with two days after Christmas to drive from the south coast to north coast to spend time with him. Present him with a Christmas present, which renders him embarrassed because he didn't buy me anything. After three months ... hmm. His reasoning for not buying me a present is that he couldn't think of anything. I really didn't need a present, I have everything I want/need. It hurt because I spent hours thinking about what to get him, what he needed and what he would like. Called two people and then stressed about whether he'd like it or not. Naturally, because I'd put serious thought behind it, he loved it.
Also after driving foreeeever to see him, he has made zero effort to do something nice for me. No dinner planned, no food in the house, no nice bottle of wine chilling ... nothing. The bed doesn't even has sheets on them because he stripped it and can't be arsed to re-make it.
The next day is nice, we spent time with his daughter (who loves me) and take her to the beach. But then, on the only night we have together, all he wants to do is sit on his arse and watch TV ... after we agreed to go out to dinner.
On the third day he has to go to work, but I caught up with friends who were holidaying nearby ... and then rush back to go to the supermarket and cook him a lovely dinner. The next morning, he has to leave early, but I stay later and make him a fresh salad for dinner with a cute note on it.
All that, is fine. But ... he was supposed to work on New Year's Eve, which is the reason why he can't spend it with me. Then he cancels work that morning, deciding he doesn't feel well ... so still can't spend the night with me. We talk and he tells me he'll call me before midnight. He doesn't. It turns out, even though he's not well enough to work, or spend the night with me, he can go for a midnight scuba dive with friends.
I don't hear from him until the next day, when I text him. When I do call him, he sounds like he'd rather be getting teeth pulled than talk to me ... I say as much, and he responds with "yeah, I'm just tired". I say "okay, well I'll let you go and you can talk to me another time when you're not tired". He sends me a text saying "I'm sorry", and I reply with "that's fine, let's talk tomorrow when we're both feeling better", he asks me if I'm okay, and I say I'm fine, but upset he didn't call me on NYE, as he said he would, and didn't call on New Year's Day to make up for it.
No reply. And fast forward to now, two days later, not only do I have no reply ... but he is also ignoring my calls (2) and texts (2). So, what is going on here? He knows I'm upset, and he knows why, I don't think I'm overreacting, I'm not the hysterical type. I was just being open with how I felt, without being too full on. Being ignored, for me, is just the worst. Treat me with love, hate, respect, dislike or whatever ... but don't treat me with indifference.
This is more just a dump of my thoughts/feelings ... I just need to get it out. But really wish I knew what to do now ...