Sunday, 28 December 2008


My quads don't hurt anymore! I can go up and down steps without needing to hang on to the handrail for dear life! Whooo hoooo, break through. And not a day too late either as tomorrow I have big plans for making a triumphant return to the gym after nearly two weeks off due to sickness and being out whoop-whoop for the Christmas festivities.

The last post was not good I realise, but I just need to vent. Feeling much better about the whole thing now. Although NOT feeling good about the Lindt chocolate balls I ate last night! Argh. Only two, but it's not like I need any more calories to inflate my thighs. Argh. Oh well, back on the plan.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Scary Man

So, this happened a few days ago now - last weekend in fact and I'm still trying to come to terms with exactly what happened.

Saturday was quite a rotten day for me as I felt dreadful, couldn't sleep allllll day. Was supposed to go out on the town with an old friend of mine, S, but obviously there was no way that was happening. Had a bit of a oopsy though as I hadn't heard from her about the night for a good week, and then didn't hear from her on the day until 5pm or so but didn't check my phone until 6.30pm. Then, well, I did mean to reply but then some events took over which kind of distracted me.

A friend of D's and I was having b'day drinks at the nearby but obviously could not go as felt urgh and couldn't drink. However, in the spirit of charity I offered to pick D up from his place, drop him off and then pick him up again afew hours later and drop him home, and then stay. Nice idea right? WELL, this turned into me dropping him off at his sports club's presentation thingo at midday and picking him up again at 5pm - so he could have a few drinks. It was the Christmas Party day sort of thing, so I figured "oh, ALRIGHT". I was sick, but I was right to drive 20 mins etc. When I picked him up he was well on his way - five drinks or so, standing out in the sun, eating crappy food. He stunk! And I didn't feel well, so when he tried to kiss me I was like "don't, I'm sick and don't want to give it to you" and he was like "awww, I don't care". Blah. Then he got upset/cranky because I wouldn't kiss him. Trust me, it was NOT a good idea, I was sinus ache city.

Drove him back to his place and then spent about 40 minutes harassing him to hurry up, ironing him a shirt and jeans, making him have a shower, wash his hair, USE SOAP and the like and finally got out the door and there to drop him off at 7pm.

Went back to my place to watch TV, do washing and generally feel like SHITE until I picked him up at around 11pm. By which stage my sinus headache (dunno if you have these, but they hurt sooo bad your teeth ache) was making me feel ill, my eyes felt like they were burning AND I felt totally weird from the Sudafed etc. Well, D had topped up the five or so drinks he'd had at the sports preso thing with about 5 more so was totally smashed (he's a lightweight). And - I'm gonna say it - while he started out cute, he quickly turned kinda mean. We were driving home and he was kinda rattling away, but talking so loudly it make my headache even worse. So - and I WAS actually nice about this - I asked him to just be quiet for a little while because my head was hurting. He was like, oh right, so do you want ME to drive. Obviously it was a big NO to that one, but that obviously gets him telling me he's not drunk and insisting he drives. Heh, another big no way on that.

But all of this just seems to magnify my sickness and we drive home with me feeling so ill I want to just crash - gently - so I don't have to keep my eyes open, and D sulking about me not wanting to kiss him or let him drive my car.

When we got back to his place it got pretty damn mean. Started OFF with him being all sooky la la, saying he loved me etc … but then he starts telling me I don't love him, have never loved him blah blah, he doesn't know why I bother. You know the sort of thing, he was like "why do you even BOTHER, why are you wasting your time? It's obviously you don't love me or want to be with me etc etc", and frankly I was just too sick and tired to keep telling him I did love him. PLUS he was drunk so I just wanted to let him sleep it off (he wasn't far from the passing out stage, attractive). I can't quite recall what turned him, but he just went off, swearing, yelling and slamming doors. Now, obviously I was not in the most objective of states … but it kinda freaked me out, he had a really nasty edge to his voice and look on his face … not helped by the fact he was drunk, you know how sometimes people LOOK completely different when they're drunk? Well, he looked like a stranger. I've never been scared of him ever, ever, ever of course … but for some reason the yelling, door slamming and abuse (it was nasty) was so out of character I wasn't ruling anything out, so I decided I didn't want to be around him anymore and basically took off. Grabbed my stuff and went out to the car and really just intended to go home and let him sleep it off.

Obviously he followed me out to the car, abusing me all the way and saying "you do this and we're DONE, I've had a gutful of you" blah blah. It really was quite horrendous. Well, I got as far as the end of the driveway and had to stop in the street because the combined effect of crying and having quite bad head cold was REALLY affecting my ability to see OR breathe due to masses of … well, let's just say it was messy! D had gone back into the house, so I thought it would all be fine and sat there quietly trying to calm down (parked by the kerb of course) … but then he comes storming out with an armful of my stuff, bangs on the window and dumps it on the ground telling me to pick it up or he'll leave it for anyone to take. Then he told me I looked like a tool for sitting out in the street (in the car) and storms back into the house.

Urgggh. So got out of the car to retrieve my stuff, feeling well and truly like a tool - a sick tool at that - wondering what the hell has happened to my nice, sweet guy, when he comes charging out of the house again with more of my stuff. Oh blah, it's not worth going into … but basically I managed to EXPLAIN to him that I hadn't driven away yet because I didn't think I should be driving since I was A) sick, B) tired, C) upset and D) exhausted after spending the day and night driving him around. Not sure how/why but he convinced me to go back inside, saying I could sleep upstairs and leave whenever I wanted - he didn't give a sh*t but he didn't want me crashing and killing myself on his conscience. Noice.

Sooooo, went into one of the bedrooms upstairs, slammed my OWN door and basically sat down and tried to calm down. Unfortunately all the upset, sickness, headache and exhaustion combined to make me REALLY sick and I had to run out to be sick in the toilet. Soooo classy. Anyway, D then came up and offered me a glass of water and apologised 1001 times. He asked why I'd run off and I explained it, said while I'd never been worried he would hit me … I know that alcohol can affect a person's judgement etc and you just never know. Said I just wanted to get away from him while he was like that. Anyway, we sat and talked for a while before I decided to go to bed to sleep. Woke up hours later with him stinking like a brewery sleeping next to me. Grrr.

Sunday he was feeling v. sorry for himself, but I did NOT relent and took off early. He rang me several hours later to apologise again, reiterating that he would never hurt me - even if he was drunk etc. Asked him if he remembered the stuff he'd said to me the night before, like about how I needed help because I was "so f*cked up" and wouldn't let anyone it. OMFG, pot calling the kettle black or what. He said he didn't remember anything really, except that we'd been fighting and he'd chucked all my stuff on the lawn near the car. Did NOT have any sympathy as I still felt so sick from being upset/exhausted AND actually sick sick, and basically told him to 'f off himself and never talk to me again.

Gahhhh. He rang me back later, after he'd slept a bit more, to apologise and basically admitted that he only ever saw things from his side and he'd never imagined that I might freak out at him acting SO out of character and being so drunk (he was really gooooone). And mean. He said some mean stuff I have to say. He asked if I would ever be able to forgive him, and I was like "of course, but do you really think I can forget the image of you dumping all my stuff on the lawn and calling me pathetic etc?" I DO believe he was genuinely remorseful, but frankly isn't any abuser sorry after the fact?

So now we're both in that wonderful place we seem to inhabit, relationship limbo. We can't see a clear way forward, there's a huge mess behind us and we're both upset at ourselves and each other. Gaaah.

It's just all too hard. However, my cold has just about cleared up. So much so that on Christmas Day I was able to go for a big run (10kms) which has left me with the sorest quads in Oz after I failed to stretch properly. Fool! I know so much better than that!

Friday, 19 December 2008

Kinda sick and kinda cranky

Just friggin' perfect I tells ya! Survived 99.9 per cent of the year, including a wet and miserable winter, without getting sick only to fall at the final post and catch a cold. I know I'm not alone here, because yesterday when I was in the chemist buying cold and flu stuff there was a host of other people doing the same thing! Ha ha. Oh well. I hadn't been doing too badly up until then, but now cannot breathe through nose and throat is sooooo sore, not to mention the fact my head feels like it's stuffed full of cotton-wool. Blah, whinge whinge.

Up until this point I had been doing a lot of self pep talking. I actually felt like mentally I was getting back to where I wanted to be. I kept buying slimming and health mags, reading websites etc etc looking up weight loss and motivation tips. But then I recognised my old pattern! Duh. Instead of just doing I was looking for external help. And I don't need any! Well, at least I don't need too much. I realised I wasn't going to get anywhere READING about things, I needed to get back to that place where my motivation was self-perpetuating. IE: Ooooh, I felt great after that run on Saturday, must go for another one. Or, gee it felt good to wear that cute dress and know it looked nice, must keep the focus! Much better to feel like that than wish could hide away from people in PJs and stay on the couch.

Half of it is actually me turning my brain OFF. Stop thinking and just do, stop doubting and just do. And especially when it comes to food. Somehow when I was super focussed I got into the habit of just saying "no" to myself and others. You know, when my mind wandered off and was thinking "hmm, fancy a bit of chocolate???" I would say NOOOO. These days I enter into a conversation with myself that goes along the lines of: "mmm, bit of chocolate/biscuit/cake would be nice right now, I could have a cup of tea with it too", "nah, you don't want to do that - minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips", "oh blaaaah, you sound like gran ... besides, I can burn it off another time", "ha ha, well doesn't THAT sound like a certain person three years ago? Well, don't come crying to ME when your jeans won't do up ... ", "HAH, why would I bother? Right, where's that choclit". Or something, either way - I eat the stuff! So, note to self - do not enter into conversation with crazy inner voice.

Same thing applies to that inner voice re: exercise. Today, and yesterday, I allowed it to win because I was really too sick to argue OR face sweating with running nose, headache, sore throat and slight fever (was only at work due to vastly depleted staff numbers). Tomorrow however will not be the same! Determined to go for a nice long walk in the morning (cannot face running ... although, we shall see) and then get to the gym for some Pump! Supposed to be going out with a friend of mine, but I think illness will have to be excuse to avoid. Not really up for it in current state, plus she can be VERY full on on such nights ... lovin' the spotlight, so generally doing things that draw it to her, but I am often caught in it with her! Heh, at the risk of sounding old, maybe when I was 22 I wouldn't have minded a bunch of drunk idiots trying to get off with me ... now am just too crabby and spot a moron far too quickly.

Hmm, this is a nothing post. Blame the cold and flu stuff, it makes me feel weird! Very soon I will get back to more sensible blog stuff not waffling all over the place but talking about what I want to do and why, and HOW.

La la la.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Anti-social baaa humbug etc

Not really anti-social ... but I did skip out on the work (one of several) Christmas party today. Why???? When I was soooo looking forward to it. Ha ha. Well, first of all I was KNACKERED after having to work by myself for six hours covering the work of two people because the girl who was supposed to be working with me had some car trouble ... well, the clutch went anyway. That pretty much kills the car, so she was practically two hours late. An ill-timed morning coffee meant I held my breakfast off for about an hour longer than usual, and then I had an apple at 11am which meant that by my usual "lunchtime" at 12 (I wake up at 5am), I wasn't hungry. Soooo I just kept on working, intending to leave with everyone at 1.45pm to go the Christmas party.

Duhhh is all I have to say. Starting to feel well dodgy due to dropping energy levels, plus cup of tea really didn't help situation. Not sure what was going on, drank a heap of water to help alleviate the situation but did nothing. I'm sure it also had something to do with sitting down for, like, six hours straight due to being flat out. At one stage I was even contemplating making a quick dash to the loo, I was feeling so ill. I struggled through though, I cannot face the prospect of puking at work. Gah.

Anyhoo, I think I did the right thing for me. I left early, half an hour early, and got in a quick spot of Christmas shopping. Got the presents sorted for two family members, just need to sort it for two more. Came home and had piece of toast, Burgen Soy & Lin of course, then flaked out on the couch with a cup of tea in front of Ghostbusters. Heh, such a silly movie but packed with classic one-liners. Feeling much better now, so plan to head off to early morning Bikram tomorrow morn before hitting the shops to knock over my last bit of Chrissy shopping by midday.

It's funny though. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and thought "oh god, puffy blahhh" etc, but really nothing has changed from yesterday when was feeling sprightly and fit. Difference? Well, didn't do Bikram or gym or anything. Frankly I think shopping should count as cardio, especially the way I shop (ie: 5 presents bought in 30 minutes from 5 different shops scattered across shopping centre) - marching around as quickly as crowds permit. I hate shopping, it's so booooring. Plus people just get in the blimmin' way. Think the crudite weather also has something to do with it, today only got to 18C and it was grey, rainy and windy. Um, helloooooo - it's summer? Where is the damn SUN and heat. Oddly enough, it seems to be turning up tomorrow when temps will jump by 16C or so to 34!! Well, I prefer THAT to this any day.

Hmm, this is a pointless entry. Think where I was going was that was being anti-social wench and not attending Christmas party with good amount of free booze, good people to talk to and stuff ... but really, I just couldn't face it. Plus it was on the other side of the city and in an area where parking is crap ... ooooh, excuses, excuses. I'm old and tired! Oh, and there are TWO more parties next week - both on my side of the city - which I am definitely attending. That's right - we have four Christmas parties! I think a fifty per cent attendance rate is good enough.

I cannot believe it's only 12 days to Christmas!!! Bugger.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Ouch, OMG and a variety of other whinges

Ha ha ha. Yep, I've done myself in.
Spurred on by previous disaster weekend, and potentially disastrous week I've successfully hammered myself in two days.

Yesterday I was a shimmering and shining success. The champagne breakfast did not involve champagne, nor OJ for me ... just H2O and two poached eggs on multi grain toast with no butter. Toast was naturally an inch thick, so I only ate one piece. Still not SUPER good, but better than the corn-fritters, pancakes and French toast my colleagues and fellow morning diners tucked in to. Of course, yes, I had MAJOR food envy and had to stop myself several times from launching myself over the table to snatch the fork off my friend, J, and shove the maple-syrup dripping blueberry pancake into MY mouth. Ha ha. But didn't. Did have two skim lattes which left me buzzing for the rest of the day.

Lunch, for my colleague who's leaving work, was also not so bad. I had only ONE beer ... well, we were at a bier cafe - it was the done thing, and had a chicken Caesar with the dressing on the side naturally. Again I suffered from major food envy as everyone else ordered the traditionally Vienna schnitzels, or chicken schnitzel etc. The salad was v. good, but good lord I was so glad I remembered to ask for the dressing on the side (a while ago I forgot, and there was SO much in the bowl there was a good inch at the bottom ... and then, boy, did I feel sick), because it was very very rich and very heavy on the anchovies. I only ate a few pieces of the chicken, but all the tomato (in Caesar salad? Oh well), lettuce, cucumber (again, in Caesar salad? Oh well) and only one of the Parmasean crusted huge croutons. Mmm, tasty.

After that I wandered home for a while (my day off) and enjoyed some couch-action (a nap), did some washing etc and then decided to go to Bikram before my dinner. They recommend you don't drink alcohol 24-hours ahead of doing one (to prevent dehydration), but I had probably drunk about two litres of water and drunk about another litre before the class. Oh boy, it was tough. I have been really pushing myself hard in Bikram lately, to really push my body into the correct postures ... not just hang out in the beginners postures. The beginners postures are the ones the instructor lets you get away with because you simply cannot do the move, but they always add "eventually you are aiming to get your elbows BEHIND your knees, your head ON your knee etc etc". It's been damn hard, and for the first time my first two or three weeks, I've been sore afterwards, so I guess I'm really working.

So, after the sweat-fest that is Bikram, I went off to my dinner appointment with my fabulous mate ... after having a cool shower, drying hair, and attempting to put clothes on despite the fact I was still a touch sticky. Make-up was done on the train ... once my face had cooled enough not to simply melt off. We actually skipped dinner. I was just completely over food, so my friend got some chips and alright, I may have pinched one or two because they were SO damn good. And then we had a good five G&Ts - all before 7pm - and of course a super-fun catch up and bitch session.

My mate starts work at 4am, so we finished up by 7pm so she could get home and get sorted for her 3am wake-up, and I headed home in nice state of tipsy-ness with slight headache. Heh, I actually think you're also supposed to avoid alcohol for 24-hours AFTER Bikram too. Drank a v. good amount of water once home and had some super low-fat (ie, none) and low carb vegetable and lentil soup I made a while ago and froze for these occasions.

This morning I took myself off to the gym for a nice tough Pump class ... well, tough because I upped my weights on a few tracks just to really feel the burn (and yep, I did), and then did a good 40 minute walk which ended with a trip to the supermarket and me lugging home a good 7kg bag of groceries after deciding to get two litres of milk instead of one (it was two for $4), and a litre of Greek yoghurt (that's 3kg right there), plus I couldn't resist the delish looking yellow nectarines, or the menindee grapes (green ones) ... and, for shame, I bought a mango for nearly $4. But I will enjoy it! Will shivering with middle-class guilt. Anyway, it was bloody heavy and I had to walk the 15 or so mins home with it, alternating shoulders (was in an over-the-shoulder green bag).

I have to admit, after that I was kinda knackered. My final day off before back on for 30 hours (in 3 days), so have been doing the usual washing, cleaning, ironing (god, how boring) so I can not worry about work clothes at 5am.

Heh, this blog is supposed to be about me running ... yes, there has been a dreadful lack of super-running of late, well, in the last two weeks, for two main reasons. Sore back from ... uh, undetermined, possibly tripping down steps while on hols, or hitting back on wall at wedding (dancing with some guy who spun me out and ... out I went, into a wall). Second reason, sore knee from falling down stairs at same wedding. Right knee took the brunt of my fall down two stairs onto the ground ... really should've paid more attention. It's still bruised some damn uglee colours nine days later. I went for a short 30 min run on Saturday, back wasn't too bad ... but knee ached like a biatch. Took myself for a good 40 minute walk on Sunday and knee was still aching away, so resting it until Saturday (resting from running that is) and then will do Bay Run and see how it goes.

On the running front. I am so, so, SO desperately sad about Kerryn McCann's death. In case you (whoever "you" may be) weren't sure, Kerryn McCann was Australia's superstar marathon runner. She discovered a lump in her breast half-way through her second pregnancy, which turned out to be breast cancer, but opted not to have any treatment until after the birth of her baby. Kerryn started treatment directly after giving birth (ie: within the hour!) and beat it. Unfortunately she developed a secondary cancer in her liver and, as is often the case, that finished her off. Anyway, I just found it so, so sad because she is leaving behind two young kids, a fabulous loving husband ... and her career was far from over. Plus, on a more personal level, if someone as fit and healthy as Kerryn can die from cancer it's a stark reminder that cancer doesn't care if you've eaten well, exercised, kept healthy etc. Obviously that doesn't mean I'm gonna start smoking again, eating crap etc etc because "if it's gonna happen, I can't do nuffink about it", but it just made me say a secret prayer that my friends and family are spared. Especially my parents. Without wanting to finish on a gloomy note, sometimes when caller ID says it's them calling - especially at unusual times of the day or night - my heart sinks and I almost brace myself for bad news. Eeep.

Back to running on the weekend! I promise. In fact I must because I bloody miss it!

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Keeping on Track

At the risk of sounding like a whingey whiner ... god it's hard to be good during the silly season. In the next three days I have a boozy lunch, champagne breakfast and - on the same day - a colleague's leaving lunch. Friday is the work Christmas party, Saturday another party ... and on it goes.

I know all the classic tips for avoiding over-eating and over-drinking. You know, drink water first, alternate alcoholic drinks with water, avoid salty/fried/fatty etc nibbles, eat something healthy before you go so you're not as hungry or tempted to eat crap than you want to. It's just not that EASY when you're faced with silver platters of gorgeous food, champagne glasses that seem to refill themselves and it could be the desert for how difficult it can be to find water. Then, of course, there's the impact the consumption of all of the above on your ability to drag yourself out of bed early for a run or to go to the gym, and similarly AFTER work you often have to rush home to get ready, or rush home to flake out on the couch exhausted from late nights and bad food.

Having said that ... I am REALLY trying. Trying to be super saintly with gym and food and running. Had little chat with myself last night, pointing out how when I run and eat healthy I feel so much better ... so surely it's logical that I do these things rather than try to turn myself into a wine bag. After two drinks or so that logical thinking just seems to leave me and I say "oh what the hell" and hook in.

Anyway, went for a nice hilly run this morning at 6am to avoid the heat of the day ... was already quite warm, and by 8am temps were hitting 29C. Yay, summer. Unfortunately spending the day INSIDE at work, poo! Bright side is that I then have three days off. Noice.

Welp, better get back to it. Hmm, cup of tea first though I think!

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Human Again

Hurrah. Has taken me two days to expel the "wedding disaster" toxins from my body. Yesterday was just a waste of space. But by the evening felt well enough to write down a whole heap of stuff for tonight's "serious chat" with D. In my mind tonight is really the last roll of the dice. It was very painful, but I decided to write down everything that I was thinking because I have so many different thoughts jostling for position that sometimes I find it hard to articulate any one of them. I've never really done this before ... will see if there's any benefit. But I think often D gets confused because my thoughts, hopes and fears spill out of me in random spasms ... this way I plan on at least saying everything I need to in a hopefully calm way.

Today is last day of action. Flat clean up continues full steam ahead, have done ALL the washing - including the annoying hand washing of delicates - and washed all sheets and towels which had been waiting for a sunny day. Today is the chuck day. Cleaning out the fridge, getting all eBay clothes out and photographed, chucking out things that are either too big, too old or whatever. Then doing the usual - dusting, mopping, vacuuming, scrubbing etc etc. THEN we shall see where we're at ... will either pop to the beach for a few hours, or will just do shopping for tonight's dinner. Hah, have to say how horrified I was to discover I own over 20 "green bags" (shopping bags made from recycled materials). No-one needs this many. So am putting 5 in the car, keeping 5 in the hour and giving the rest to parents and D ... who I'm pretty sure I've inadvertently pinched a few of them from. Going to chuck out the old phone books which the previous owner here kept for some reason, clean out the laundry and ... yeah. Sounds like a lot I realise, but this place is probably 20 square metres in total so it's not like I'm doing a whole house. It's two medium sized rooms. Vacuuming takes literally 10 mins. The bathroom and kitchen are both about 3m x 2m so mopping takes about 30 seconds, or maybe a minute. Ha ha.

That way can have tomorrow to really fully chill out, get to the gym/running nice and early (getting up at 5.30am to prepare for returning to work and 6am starts), do some grocery shopping and then get myself to the beach for some reading. Hmm, did mean to go swimsuit shopping and buy a tank top that isn't falling down (bits have shrunk substantially since last summer), but cannot face prospect of swimwear shopping right now. Far too happy to put myself through that!

So - to action! Yeah!