I always find it so hard the week after a race. You know, what're my goals what am I doing etc etc. It didn't help this week that due to my super-tight hamstrings that no amount of stretching seemed to ease, my back went out. Not completely, nothing compared to earlier in the year. I was walking up to Bikram and dropped my drink bottle, which then started rolling down the hill. Eek! I quickly ran down to it, bent down to pick it up and stood up quickly and "pang" I felt something catch.
I spent the next two days doing extra core work, no weights and no running. Poooo. So hard after months and months of serious training. Blah. I am finally back to normal spine-pain wise, so plan on heading to the gym a bit later today for some basic cardio stuff and to do some basic upper-body work. Tomorrow will attempt Bikram again and hopefully by Monday I can get back to normal.
Planning on doing the Gold Coast half in July, so I'd better get myself sorted physically asap so I can get focused on that.
Feeling utterly gross from lack of high heart race exercise and weights, but confident the feeling will go soon. Work has been hellish this week, I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks ... covering State of Origin, Twenty20 World Cup, Tour de France all before the Ashes smashes me until September. Note to self: I can do it!
RSVP date central this week. Tues had dinner with one guy. He was really nice! But OMG he was soooo nervous, tee hee. Think I will see him again. He's VERY Italian, but still nice. Wed had dinner with the guy I had coffee with and it was friggin' awful, he said NOTHING unless I asked him questions and to elaborate. No conversation flowing, just me talking rubbish. Only thing he managed was some icky sexual innuendos that were highly inappropriate and unnecessary. He wants to have dinner tonight - nah uh. Had a drink on Thursday with a guy who is, like, my male equivalent. Firstly he LIED about his height, said he was 5'7" and he was MY height when I was wearing 2 inch heels. But he runs and does Bikram too. He, however, has no balance. Doesn't drink much, go out much or do anything but exercise really. Will think about seeing him again. To be honest I felt like a big blimp walking next to him so, hmm, maybe not.
Have range of highly inappropriate men contacting me. Seriously, why would I want to go out with a 47 year old with a 22 year old son? The son is closer in age to me! And have had a 24 year old and 25 year old contact me. OMG, do not want to be a babysitter. My friend, who is my age - 30 - is going out with a 27 year old guy and has enough problems with that gap. Mind you, they get along great ... but every now and then his immaturity and inexperience in relationships becomes a problem.
Anyhoo, crappy wet, windy and cold weather this weekend so I am doing serious cleaning and sorting of clothes. Still haven't thrown out enough pairs of jeans to warrant buying a new pair ... own something like 9 pairs now, but really only 2 pairs are suitable AND fit, all the others are too big and one pair is a teeny bit too small and very light denim so really more suited to summer stuff.
Anyway, I'm soldiering on 'cause that's what I do.
Saturday 23 May 2009
Monday 18 May 2009
World of Pain
Self-inflicted of course! Yesterday was the SMH half-marathon. I am trying very hard not to be disappointed that I ran 1hr57min and not 1hr55min as I had wanted to. There were a number of factors that went against me ... or that affected me I guess. The main thing was the insanely packed field - 10,000 people (or a fraction over), and because it was a two-lap course, the road was divided in two AND there were cars parked on it. So I spent a lot of time ducking and weaving to try to get ahead of slower runners ... actually no, I spent the ENTIRE time slowing down, speeding up, sprinting, running side-ways to get around people. It drove me mad AND wasted a lot of precious energy. I was dead on pace at the 15km mark when I just decided I could NOT do any more weaving after I nearly tripped myself and someone else over ... this happened to everyone, it's annoying and unfortunate but can't be helped.
There are a range of other things, not worth going into. Strange temperatures, upset stomach (weird reflux - ew!), shoes weren't right and - especially - my head wasn't right. The negative thoughts nearly drove me mad! Main one was the physical thing ... I am not a born-runner and I do not have a nice slim runner's build. I am short and muscular, I won't say stocky because I hate that word. But I have thighs and boobs and a butt. Running along with gazelles in their little short shorts and tiny tops and slim arms and thighs ... and everything, just added to my pain. Thinking "god, look at yourself! You don't belong here!" blah blah. Argh! Anyway, I am putting that down to the fact I was PMSing badly, tired and stressed by work etc.
I was having a whinge to a friend of mine yesterday evening, and he very patiently listened to me whinge and bitch on about it all for about two hours and finally said "okay, so when are you going to stop going on about this magical 1.55 and realise that you just ran a half-marathon?" So ... I shut up! I ran a half-marathon! And I finished something around 2,000 people cannot say. And I beat my time from the last race, which had 4,000 entrants not 10,000 and was not a two-loop course.
Now, I am still a bit bummed ... but frankly the pain in my body is taking over all thoughts in my head. Dear god, everything hurts! Well, not everything. I could probably name some parts that aren't too bad ... my hands, for example, are fine. Ha ha.
Okay, that's enough ranting for now. Note to self: 21.1km is HARD.
There are a range of other things, not worth going into. Strange temperatures, upset stomach (weird reflux - ew!), shoes weren't right and - especially - my head wasn't right. The negative thoughts nearly drove me mad! Main one was the physical thing ... I am not a born-runner and I do not have a nice slim runner's build. I am short and muscular, I won't say stocky because I hate that word. But I have thighs and boobs and a butt. Running along with gazelles in their little short shorts and tiny tops and slim arms and thighs ... and everything, just added to my pain. Thinking "god, look at yourself! You don't belong here!" blah blah. Argh! Anyway, I am putting that down to the fact I was PMSing badly, tired and stressed by work etc.
I was having a whinge to a friend of mine yesterday evening, and he very patiently listened to me whinge and bitch on about it all for about two hours and finally said "okay, so when are you going to stop going on about this magical 1.55 and realise that you just ran a half-marathon?" So ... I shut up! I ran a half-marathon! And I finished something around 2,000 people cannot say. And I beat my time from the last race, which had 4,000 entrants not 10,000 and was not a two-loop course.
Now, I am still a bit bummed ... but frankly the pain in my body is taking over all thoughts in my head. Dear god, everything hurts! Well, not everything. I could probably name some parts that aren't too bad ... my hands, for example, are fine. Ha ha.
Okay, that's enough ranting for now. Note to self: 21.1km is HARD.
Sunday 10 May 2009
I survived
'Touch wood' I haven't come down with anything yet. Could not sleep on Friday night, despite being absolutely exhausted, because of stomach pain/fever etc, which made running 11km on Saturday a bit of a challenge. But I still managed to shave a clean minute off my time to finish 11km in 59mins, which is pretty much bang on the time I want to do the half-mara in. It hurt though, but think that was more due to the week's activities (and Friday's Pump) than anything else.
Rushed home after running for a super quick shower, clothing decision, hair dry, make-up application for my first RSVP date! Yay! It was awesome. We met at 11am, had two coffees (well, coffee for him and peppermint tea for me - stomach wasn't so hot) and talked and talked and talked. When I looked at my watch it was 1.30pm! Oops. Two and a half hours of chatter, no wonder I was feeling a bit tired. He had to go and I had to go to the beauticians to start my laser hair removal treatment, obviously did not tell HIM that bit. Sooo, we shall see I guess? Was incredibly nerve wracking, but surely will only get better?
Laser hair treatment ROCKS, faster than waxing, less mess and should last longer too. Not nearly as painful, although didn't feel THAT great. Was more like a little sting that the sudden rriiiiip of waxing.
After that just caught up with some work colleagues who I've known for nine years (!!!) and we talked about when we worked together back in 2000/2001 and the stupid things politicians did.
Managed a very light 5km run this morning, where I took it very easy (30mins) to try and work out the soreness in my legs and back. Wasn't TOO successful, but at least I feel like I've done something. Otherwise I am doing washing like a demon, cleaning and NOT looking forward to work tomorrow. Where does the weekend go? Boooo.
Rushed home after running for a super quick shower, clothing decision, hair dry, make-up application for my first RSVP date! Yay! It was awesome. We met at 11am, had two coffees (well, coffee for him and peppermint tea for me - stomach wasn't so hot) and talked and talked and talked. When I looked at my watch it was 1.30pm! Oops. Two and a half hours of chatter, no wonder I was feeling a bit tired. He had to go and I had to go to the beauticians to start my laser hair removal treatment, obviously did not tell HIM that bit. Sooo, we shall see I guess? Was incredibly nerve wracking, but surely will only get better?
Laser hair treatment ROCKS, faster than waxing, less mess and should last longer too. Not nearly as painful, although didn't feel THAT great. Was more like a little sting that the sudden rriiiiip of waxing.
After that just caught up with some work colleagues who I've known for nine years (!!!) and we talked about when we worked together back in 2000/2001 and the stupid things politicians did.
Managed a very light 5km run this morning, where I took it very easy (30mins) to try and work out the soreness in my legs and back. Wasn't TOO successful, but at least I feel like I've done something. Otherwise I am doing washing like a demon, cleaning and NOT looking forward to work tomorrow. Where does the weekend go? Boooo.
Friday 8 May 2009
Oh urgh
I am coming down with something and I do not want to get sick and cannot afford to get sick as I am only a week away from the half-marathon. Boo hoo! Have fever, body aches, pains in the stomach and just generally feel like RUBBISH. This is pretty much the only time I hate living alone as there is no-one to whinge to (hence, why I am here!), and no-one to make me a cup of tea or some toast or FIX me. Blaaah.
Ha ha, yes I know I sound pathetic ... and I probably am right now. I am big shivering mess despite good amount of paracetamol/water etc, just goooo awaaaay bug thing that is attacking me.
As for RSVP, jaysus that place is a nightmare. Do people not read profiles? I have had some contact from people who are so far out of my "ideal partner" description it's not funny ... especially in age. Seriously, you have to wonder what they are thinking ... urgh, on second thoughts I probably don't want to know what they're thinking. Nothing terribly interesting yet ... although DID just get a "kiss" from a HOT SCOT (I luuurrrve Scottish accents) who looks kinda like my kind of guy, although he also reminds me of a real GIT I went out with about three and a half years ago, but I'm probably just projecting.
Will keep you posted on any date action ... although right now I think any guy would be wise to ruuuun for his life so I do not infect him with whatever's invading my system. Oh, and I look like sh*t anyway ... nice dark circles under eyes, white as a ghost with a nice grey tinge. Faaaabulous dahlinks.
*sigh* I'm going to bed I think, supposed to meet running group at 6.45am tomorrow ... we shall see!
Ha ha, yes I know I sound pathetic ... and I probably am right now. I am big shivering mess despite good amount of paracetamol/water etc, just goooo awaaaay bug thing that is attacking me.
As for RSVP, jaysus that place is a nightmare. Do people not read profiles? I have had some contact from people who are so far out of my "ideal partner" description it's not funny ... especially in age. Seriously, you have to wonder what they are thinking ... urgh, on second thoughts I probably don't want to know what they're thinking. Nothing terribly interesting yet ... although DID just get a "kiss" from a HOT SCOT (I luuurrrve Scottish accents) who looks kinda like my kind of guy, although he also reminds me of a real GIT I went out with about three and a half years ago, but I'm probably just projecting.
Will keep you posted on any date action ... although right now I think any guy would be wise to ruuuun for his life so I do not infect him with whatever's invading my system. Oh, and I look like sh*t anyway ... nice dark circles under eyes, white as a ghost with a nice grey tinge. Faaaabulous dahlinks.
*sigh* I'm going to bed I think, supposed to meet running group at 6.45am tomorrow ... we shall see!
Thursday 7 May 2009
Serious Improvement
Wow! Yesterday was just fantastic. Work - blah, standard. Did Pump at lunch to break my out of the office, standard Pump - took it a tiny bit lighter on the legs so I'd have something for running training. It worked!!!
We did 3x2000m sets, with the first 1000 at "race pace" or how fast we need to run to get our half-mara, which for me is around 5.45min to get in at 1hr55min, and the second 1000 was basically as fast as we could maintain. Well, I kicked it's ass! I felt great, although the last lap was a killer as I really kicked it up a notch, but I really felt comfortable. It's all numbers, but I did the first 2km in 11min, the next 2km in 10.45min and the last 2km in 10.30min, each time the first km was around 5.40 up to 5.50min - it's quite hard to pace yourself around an oval, which means for the second km I was doing UNDER 5min ks!!! Which I have never done before. Of course I couldn't maintain it for more than a few kms, but it shows I'm getting better/faster/stronger. How exciting. Finally some serious results.
Now, if only the scales would cooperate, they seem to be stuck! But at least not moving up despite PMSing like crazy right now. Thankfully I can acknowledge the fact that my hormones are going crazy and causing me to think things like that I miss my ex and wish I could talk to him. I do really miss him ... but I know we're not good for each other and if I were to suggest a friendship he would not see it that way. I've only just managed to get him to stop texting/calling me every few days so I will leave it alone for a little while longer. But on Sunday evening I was soooo tempted to text him saying "I really miss you, can we at least be friends?" But no, that way madness lies. Much better to simply suck it up and wait for the feeling to pass.
We did 3x2000m sets, with the first 1000 at "race pace" or how fast we need to run to get our half-mara, which for me is around 5.45min to get in at 1hr55min, and the second 1000 was basically as fast as we could maintain. Well, I kicked it's ass! I felt great, although the last lap was a killer as I really kicked it up a notch, but I really felt comfortable. It's all numbers, but I did the first 2km in 11min, the next 2km in 10.45min and the last 2km in 10.30min, each time the first km was around 5.40 up to 5.50min - it's quite hard to pace yourself around an oval, which means for the second km I was doing UNDER 5min ks!!! Which I have never done before. Of course I couldn't maintain it for more than a few kms, but it shows I'm getting better/faster/stronger. How exciting. Finally some serious results.
Now, if only the scales would cooperate, they seem to be stuck! But at least not moving up despite PMSing like crazy right now. Thankfully I can acknowledge the fact that my hormones are going crazy and causing me to think things like that I miss my ex and wish I could talk to him. I do really miss him ... but I know we're not good for each other and if I were to suggest a friendship he would not see it that way. I've only just managed to get him to stop texting/calling me every few days so I will leave it alone for a little while longer. But on Sunday evening I was soooo tempted to text him saying "I really miss you, can we at least be friends?" But no, that way madness lies. Much better to simply suck it up and wait for the feeling to pass.
Monday 4 May 2009
Sorry!
Sorry about ranting on Saturday night, I think I underestimated how tired I am. I suck at being physically and mentally tired, it heightens all my negative emotions or something and I can't think straight. Have pretty much got over the four factors that were affecting me ... although yesterday went running and did Pump, and went running this afternoon so the sore bit is still lingering.
Haven't heard from that friend, and another friend who knows her quite well said she would never apologise or back down from any of her comments so I basically had two options. Confront her and tell her how much she upset me, which probably wouldn't work anyway as I was clearly upset on Saturday and still she carried on. Or to just pretend it never happened, but if she ever does it again to shut her down immediately.
I'm going for option C, the politician option. Ever seen a politician answer a question they don't want to? Hah, very rarely because they simply ignore the things they don't like. I am taking this approach, I am simply not going to contact her. Usually I initiate contact because I'm the one with my life booked to the hilt with gym/Bikram and gym sessions and she is relatively commitment free, but not this time! Just going to let things fall away and see what happens.
Death of a friendship ... must be a book in all this somewhere. Pity I don't have the disposition to take it on. One day maybe.
Oh, and inspired by Frankie I jumped back on RSVP with both feet. Bloody hell! Haven't had nearly as much success (ie: nothing hot!) but some interesting contact ... and who knows, it might be fun! It might SUCK royally too, but what the hell ... dating sucks anyway, at least this way I can make sure they're not ... I dunno, weird lookin' ... whatever that may mean. I guess I just know what I like and what I don't like. I know it's bad, but I just know I need someone taller than me. Mind you, I am 5'2" or 157cm so if a guy is shorter than me ... well, that's not likely.
Looking forward to an early night. The body is achhhing today, especially after the run ... and it's cooled down so quickly - the heater is showing NO authority right now, think I will crank it up.
Only three more days to work this week. Yay! Rest of the month is utter HELL. But I will survive!
Haven't heard from that friend, and another friend who knows her quite well said she would never apologise or back down from any of her comments so I basically had two options. Confront her and tell her how much she upset me, which probably wouldn't work anyway as I was clearly upset on Saturday and still she carried on. Or to just pretend it never happened, but if she ever does it again to shut her down immediately.
I'm going for option C, the politician option. Ever seen a politician answer a question they don't want to? Hah, very rarely because they simply ignore the things they don't like. I am taking this approach, I am simply not going to contact her. Usually I initiate contact because I'm the one with my life booked to the hilt with gym/Bikram and gym sessions and she is relatively commitment free, but not this time! Just going to let things fall away and see what happens.
Death of a friendship ... must be a book in all this somewhere. Pity I don't have the disposition to take it on. One day maybe.
Oh, and inspired by Frankie I jumped back on RSVP with both feet. Bloody hell! Haven't had nearly as much success (ie: nothing hot!) but some interesting contact ... and who knows, it might be fun! It might SUCK royally too, but what the hell ... dating sucks anyway, at least this way I can make sure they're not ... I dunno, weird lookin' ... whatever that may mean. I guess I just know what I like and what I don't like. I know it's bad, but I just know I need someone taller than me. Mind you, I am 5'2" or 157cm so if a guy is shorter than me ... well, that's not likely.
Looking forward to an early night. The body is achhhing today, especially after the run ... and it's cooled down so quickly - the heater is showing NO authority right now, think I will crank it up.
Only three more days to work this week. Yay! Rest of the month is utter HELL. But I will survive!
Saturday 2 May 2009
Tired, sore, frustrated, confused and upset!
Okay, WTF! I've had the best and worst of things today. First, the best! We did our 11km city run - one loop of the two-loop track for the half-marathon in TWO WEEKS. It was pretty easy for a hill runner like me and I got the 11km done in 60.23min, I was aiming for an hour but I reckon I can say the 23 seconds (plus MORE) was spent at traffic lights. HATE running in the city for this reason, thankfully on race day we'll get to run in the middle of the road as the streets are closed. Anyway, I felt FANTASTIC ... I started off frozen to the bone, so cold my feet were numb and it took at least 10mins before I felt even remotely warm and 20 before I started to sweat. I just had such great energy in my legs and mentally I felt great, only low point was when I realised I REALLY needed to go to the loo. Hate stopping for a loo break as I always find it so hard to get my pants back on if I'm sweating a bit, so I decided to ignore it for a while and - yay - the feeling went away.
So that was all good. Now, here's the bad. I drove 30mins to my friend, B's, place which she had just moved into today. B is the one who has left me frustrated, confused and upset. Why? Well, I'm still so upset that it's hard for me to articulate it ... but I will describe some of her actions, simply because I NEED to get this stuff off my chest. First of all, she doesn't ask me how I am or about my life for the entire three hours I'm with her. Not even "oh, and how are you?". No, it was all talking about her "boyfriend" or rather, supposed boyfriend. They dated for, like, three weeks before she got sick of his inaction and started ignoring him ... at which point they had some bizarre phone conversation during which they decided they were more than friends and more than just dating, they were "serious" and "exclusive". All this without so much as a hug! Weird eh? Anyway, he's - strangely enough - gone weird (although frankly, he was already weird) and so I listened and made supportive noises. Although I do believe that she is genuinely hurt that he's treated her with such indifference, and I do know how much that hurts.
I helped her put her bed together, make the bed, put her Ikea wardrobe together (which was extremely heavy and frustrating work, friggin' allen keys can BITE me) and then drove her to a nearby pub - which I LOVE - for lunch. This is where it allll goes pear-shaped. Okay, so my body is sore. In the last seven days I've run 18km+7km+5km time trial+11km, done Bikram, done to Pump classes and done a 1hr20min cardio session of my own making at the gym. I know it's my own doing and I've chosen to do it, but that does not mean that when I sit down in a rather low chair at the pub I'm not permitted to say "ouuuuch" when my hammies, gluts and quads scream in protest. I wasn't asking for sympathy or comment, I just couldn't help it! To this she rolls her eyes and says "you've got no-one to blame but yourself", adding that she doesn't understand why I want to do a half-marathon because "it's so boooooooring" - more eye rolls.
Fine, whatever. I realise that running isn't for everyone. And frankly, I really only do it because for me it is my ultimate challenge ... as a fat kid and fat teen I hated running because I couldn't do it well/fast and people teased me when I did it. These days ... I am still don't run especially well and definitely not fast, but I constantly challenge myself because it makes me stronger - physically and mentally, and I feel like somehow I am replacing bad childhood/teen memories about running with GOOD ones like crossing the finish line for the half-mara and making new friends, friends and family telling me how proud they are of me etc.
So yeah, frankly she doesn't have to think MY running a half-marathon is interesting or exciting, but as one of my good friends should she not at least be mildly supportive? Or - if she really feels so strongly about it - say nothing? Grr, strike one.
Then, we start talking about her new flatmate, Fireman Nick. He sounds so lovely and I feel a bit sorry for him with her moving in, because I don't think he knows what he's got himself in for (they met on Flatmate Finders - total strangers). Anyway, she tells me that she thinks he's the male equivalent of me because there are "running magazines, health food, vitamins and shit lying around". Um, yeah ... I don't take vitamins because I eat a fabulously healthy diet (minus the chips I had at lunch ... but I was upset), and frankly it's MY house. She stayed with me for four days last year when she had NOWHERE else to go and never said so much as thank you or offered to pay for any groceries etc, and helped herself to my stuff including my clothes! Anyway, that's how she knows about my running mags etc because SINCE then she has only come back to use my internet when she didn't pay her bill.
Okay, so thinly veiled attack on running and stuff again. I ask her about Fireman Nick, and it turns out he's single etc etc and I was like (kinda joking) "Hellooooo Nick". To which she tells me that he would never go for me because I'm too "stuck up". Um. Okay. This is my FRIEND telling me this. WTF? I was like "do you think I'm stuck up" and she back-pedals wildly saying noooo, but I think you give that impression. Umm, told her that was no better and to explain. So yeah, when I meet new people I tend to be a bit quiet because I'm shy and not 100% confident in myself. I was unhappy and overweight for a long time, and although I've now lost weight and feel a lot happier (except today) I still have my "fat girl" insecurities, especially in foreign crowds of people. So this is apparently where I come off as "stuck up", because I keep to myself.
Anyway, I having said that it doesn't take me long to warm up ... not long at all, especially if I can get talking with someone and find something in common with them. Know what I mean? Oh god, anyway ... it REALLY hurt my feelings. I am from a very modest family and I really do believe that I give everyone an equal chance ... SHE is the judgemental one because she thinks $$ is everything because she's from a multi-million dollar family and earns over $100,000. I could do her job ... but I choose not to because I like having a life and time to DO stuff. ARGH.
I asked her to explain, further, what she meant. So she changes her story and tells me no, I am not stuck up, I am fussy/picky. Uhhh, what do you mean - I asked her. And she ... I cannot believe this ... she attacked my other friends, the friends who I am closer to than her! I am not kidding. My two BEST friends, from high school, A and G. She says that THEY are clearly not picky because of some of their bad choices with men. A particularly. And yeah, A has made some very ... unwise decisions on men, sometimes with disastrous results ... but it was simply because she gives everyone a chance to prove themselves, and sometimes it just hasn't worked out. G stayed in a not-so-good relationship for seven years ... probably three years too long, and it's taken her a while to get over. But my supposed FRIEND says "look at her! She's so selective she'll never find someone until she's 45 and desperate". WTF! Again I say, WTF.
She then picks on a friend who I was recently bridesmaid for, a friend from uni and high school who has stuck by me through a LOT of sh*t and bad times and helped me when I was at my lowest. I love her dearly, but genetics or whatever have not been kind to her ... her features are a bad mix, you know? Big nose, eyes too close together, terrible skin which she does NOT help by picking at it etc. Anyhoo, she says "you know, maybe the reason she's married and you're not is because she's not picky". Oh. My. God. Seriously, I am not picky ... I haven't rejected anyone for their job, there has been no-one around TO reject for anything! Oh, except that knob married guy BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED.
I was SO hurting inside, I just said - in a very quiet and controlled voice - that she had just criticised three of my best friends who she knew nothing about and who each meant a LOT to me.
Oh god, there was other stuff too ... I just can't talk about it. We both went VERY quiet, and I drove her to the local supermarket so she could buy some food and then home again. She said NOTHING. Not even thank you.
Now I am soooo hurt and upset (and frustrated). I WISH I had just told her to shut up and gone off at her, but we were in public and ... dammit, I am too polite. Polite might not be the right word ... but I just didn't want to cause a scene etc. Well, enough! I am giving myself this week to cool off, and she is going away from Thurs - Tues, and then I am going to organise to see her and I will explain to her how much she has hurt me and ... see what she has to say. I do not want to let the friendship go ... she helped me and was my support team when I first started to lose weight, and it meant and still means a lot to me. I feel bad for her because she has put on quite a lot of weight and now I am much smaller than her, the tables have turned etc. I don't know or understand how she's feeling ... but to her image is everything, so for me to be slimmer/fitter etc than her ... it's clearly bothering her!
Ahhhh sh*t, I just want to go to bed. And you know what ... it may only be 8.50pm but I'm tired, sore, frustrated, confused AND upset, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions ... so I'm going to bed!
So that was all good. Now, here's the bad. I drove 30mins to my friend, B's, place which she had just moved into today. B is the one who has left me frustrated, confused and upset. Why? Well, I'm still so upset that it's hard for me to articulate it ... but I will describe some of her actions, simply because I NEED to get this stuff off my chest. First of all, she doesn't ask me how I am or about my life for the entire three hours I'm with her. Not even "oh, and how are you?". No, it was all talking about her "boyfriend" or rather, supposed boyfriend. They dated for, like, three weeks before she got sick of his inaction and started ignoring him ... at which point they had some bizarre phone conversation during which they decided they were more than friends and more than just dating, they were "serious" and "exclusive". All this without so much as a hug! Weird eh? Anyway, he's - strangely enough - gone weird (although frankly, he was already weird) and so I listened and made supportive noises. Although I do believe that she is genuinely hurt that he's treated her with such indifference, and I do know how much that hurts.
I helped her put her bed together, make the bed, put her Ikea wardrobe together (which was extremely heavy and frustrating work, friggin' allen keys can BITE me) and then drove her to a nearby pub - which I LOVE - for lunch. This is where it allll goes pear-shaped. Okay, so my body is sore. In the last seven days I've run 18km+7km+5km time trial+11km, done Bikram, done to Pump classes and done a 1hr20min cardio session of my own making at the gym. I know it's my own doing and I've chosen to do it, but that does not mean that when I sit down in a rather low chair at the pub I'm not permitted to say "ouuuuch" when my hammies, gluts and quads scream in protest. I wasn't asking for sympathy or comment, I just couldn't help it! To this she rolls her eyes and says "you've got no-one to blame but yourself", adding that she doesn't understand why I want to do a half-marathon because "it's so boooooooring" - more eye rolls.
Fine, whatever. I realise that running isn't for everyone. And frankly, I really only do it because for me it is my ultimate challenge ... as a fat kid and fat teen I hated running because I couldn't do it well/fast and people teased me when I did it. These days ... I am still don't run especially well and definitely not fast, but I constantly challenge myself because it makes me stronger - physically and mentally, and I feel like somehow I am replacing bad childhood/teen memories about running with GOOD ones like crossing the finish line for the half-mara and making new friends, friends and family telling me how proud they are of me etc.
So yeah, frankly she doesn't have to think MY running a half-marathon is interesting or exciting, but as one of my good friends should she not at least be mildly supportive? Or - if she really feels so strongly about it - say nothing? Grr, strike one.
Then, we start talking about her new flatmate, Fireman Nick. He sounds so lovely and I feel a bit sorry for him with her moving in, because I don't think he knows what he's got himself in for (they met on Flatmate Finders - total strangers). Anyway, she tells me that she thinks he's the male equivalent of me because there are "running magazines, health food, vitamins and shit lying around". Um, yeah ... I don't take vitamins because I eat a fabulously healthy diet (minus the chips I had at lunch ... but I was upset), and frankly it's MY house. She stayed with me for four days last year when she had NOWHERE else to go and never said so much as thank you or offered to pay for any groceries etc, and helped herself to my stuff including my clothes! Anyway, that's how she knows about my running mags etc because SINCE then she has only come back to use my internet when she didn't pay her bill.
Okay, so thinly veiled attack on running and stuff again. I ask her about Fireman Nick, and it turns out he's single etc etc and I was like (kinda joking) "Hellooooo Nick". To which she tells me that he would never go for me because I'm too "stuck up". Um. Okay. This is my FRIEND telling me this. WTF? I was like "do you think I'm stuck up" and she back-pedals wildly saying noooo, but I think you give that impression. Umm, told her that was no better and to explain. So yeah, when I meet new people I tend to be a bit quiet because I'm shy and not 100% confident in myself. I was unhappy and overweight for a long time, and although I've now lost weight and feel a lot happier (except today) I still have my "fat girl" insecurities, especially in foreign crowds of people. So this is apparently where I come off as "stuck up", because I keep to myself.
Anyway, I having said that it doesn't take me long to warm up ... not long at all, especially if I can get talking with someone and find something in common with them. Know what I mean? Oh god, anyway ... it REALLY hurt my feelings. I am from a very modest family and I really do believe that I give everyone an equal chance ... SHE is the judgemental one because she thinks $$ is everything because she's from a multi-million dollar family and earns over $100,000. I could do her job ... but I choose not to because I like having a life and time to DO stuff. ARGH.
I asked her to explain, further, what she meant. So she changes her story and tells me no, I am not stuck up, I am fussy/picky. Uhhh, what do you mean - I asked her. And she ... I cannot believe this ... she attacked my other friends, the friends who I am closer to than her! I am not kidding. My two BEST friends, from high school, A and G. She says that THEY are clearly not picky because of some of their bad choices with men. A particularly. And yeah, A has made some very ... unwise decisions on men, sometimes with disastrous results ... but it was simply because she gives everyone a chance to prove themselves, and sometimes it just hasn't worked out. G stayed in a not-so-good relationship for seven years ... probably three years too long, and it's taken her a while to get over. But my supposed FRIEND says "look at her! She's so selective she'll never find someone until she's 45 and desperate". WTF! Again I say, WTF.
She then picks on a friend who I was recently bridesmaid for, a friend from uni and high school who has stuck by me through a LOT of sh*t and bad times and helped me when I was at my lowest. I love her dearly, but genetics or whatever have not been kind to her ... her features are a bad mix, you know? Big nose, eyes too close together, terrible skin which she does NOT help by picking at it etc. Anyhoo, she says "you know, maybe the reason she's married and you're not is because she's not picky". Oh. My. God. Seriously, I am not picky ... I haven't rejected anyone for their job, there has been no-one around TO reject for anything! Oh, except that knob married guy BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED.
I was SO hurting inside, I just said - in a very quiet and controlled voice - that she had just criticised three of my best friends who she knew nothing about and who each meant a LOT to me.
Oh god, there was other stuff too ... I just can't talk about it. We both went VERY quiet, and I drove her to the local supermarket so she could buy some food and then home again. She said NOTHING. Not even thank you.
Now I am soooo hurt and upset (and frustrated). I WISH I had just told her to shut up and gone off at her, but we were in public and ... dammit, I am too polite. Polite might not be the right word ... but I just didn't want to cause a scene etc. Well, enough! I am giving myself this week to cool off, and she is going away from Thurs - Tues, and then I am going to organise to see her and I will explain to her how much she has hurt me and ... see what she has to say. I do not want to let the friendship go ... she helped me and was my support team when I first started to lose weight, and it meant and still means a lot to me. I feel bad for her because she has put on quite a lot of weight and now I am much smaller than her, the tables have turned etc. I don't know or understand how she's feeling ... but to her image is everything, so for me to be slimmer/fitter etc than her ... it's clearly bothering her!
Ahhhh sh*t, I just want to go to bed. And you know what ... it may only be 8.50pm but I'm tired, sore, frustrated, confused AND upset, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions ... so I'm going to bed!
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