Friday, 27 February 2009

Friday ... thank god

Woke up very, very tired this morning. Last month at work has been extremely busy, lots of training and not enough sleep for one reason or another. Anyhoo, had weigh in and check in with the nutritionist and was 2kg down since Monday two weeks ago. Whoo hoo. And have lost 7cm off my waist in the last six weeks or so - down to 70cm (which is good for me). Afterwards on my super sneaky backstreets shortcut to the gym, naturally, took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up spending an extra 20 minutes trying to get to the gym. Was in plenty of time, however, to get to Pump where I had to laugh when the instructor was a lady who used to instruct me at my first Sydney gym! It was a big reunion, and I was naturally THRILLED when she remarked on how much weight I've lost since then ... although was a little embarrassed because she said it rather loudly, and could just feel the eyes of the other women in the class on me, thinking "sheesh, she could lose another 20kg" ... or at least 15kg. Argh, paranoia city.

Anyhoo, rest of the day has been spent feeling v. tired, doing washing, attempting to go shopping for outfit for tomorrow evening drinks with friends but ended up buying (OMG I'm old) a new iron, ironing board cover and handful of undies. Oh dear. Oh well. Figured I have quite enough clothes really ... although, what is wrong with me, Shoobiz is being closed down - Australia-wide - and all shoes were 50% off. Do you think I could find some I really liked?? No. And yeah, I looked good and hard ... but they all just looked so blah, and I just can't handle blah shoes anymore.

What other news?? Hmm. Bridesmaid gig is getting more insane by the day ... cannot face the colour scheme, cannot face the dress, do not want to drive five hours into the country and be partnered in the bridal party by some guy I went on a blind date with over two years ago. Boo hoo. Must remember to take a personal stash of booze! Because they are bound to run out.

Tomorrow is 12km run, looking forward to it! Although must attempt to get more sleep ... weather in Sydney is quite good for sleeping, very mild and not too sunny. Mmmm, sleep.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009


On the scales - I should note that they have been on the way out for a while. Too much travelling. They don't sit at 0, about -2kg, so it's only ever an approximate thing anyway.

Mad Monday

Okay, so yesterday I went kind of crazy. Went for a very hilly 7km run with one of the fab gals from Can Too, which felt surprisingly easy for me (WTF?), so afterwards I went to the gym and did 40 mins of cardio (bike, rower and X-trainer) before Pump.

Only a little bit sore today too, mainly in the arms as I put my weights up a bit on some tracks ... a good sign? Or a sign I should be pushing myself that hard every day ... which frankly, simply isn't possible because I didn't get home 'til 7.45pm after leaving for work at 5.45pm and I was completely shattered.

Had a big talk with D too about "things" and managed not to get too emotional, and instead say what I was really feeling - that he needed to grow up. I'm all for being silly, loving life and stuff ... but there are adult things you simply have to do. Like clean the house, wash your clothes, buy food, keep track of appointments etc somehow ... none of which he does. Result? He is constantly running out of clean clothes, picking stuff off the floor-robe, the house is FILTHY, he misses things because he's not written the date or time down (a friend's funeral!) and is constantly tired because he stays up late watching TV or playing Playstation, sleep 'til 9am and then rushes to work without eating. And yeah, on the eating thing - he never has ANY food in the house. I'm not talking about when you were a kid and you'd complain to your parents there was nothing to eat ... I mean literally, there is no food in his house. The pantry is full of old rice, pasta, spices etc that other people have bought or he bought and has never used (and has nothing to use with), he never has any fruit, veg or salad, bread , milk, juice, biscuits, etc etc. Argh, anyway ... if that's the way he wants to live, fine, whatever - but I didn't like it, so it was one more of the things I put on the list of reasons why I don't want to get back together.

Anyway, he listened to my mini-lecture. He agreed that he needed to get some order happening and said he'd actually been going to bed by 10pm and getting up by 6.30am every day. Which is a miracle, as he would never do that when I suggested it. He hasn't been in to work later than 8am, which was always a bug-bear with one of his bosses - he didn't care if he stayed 'til 7pm to make up for arriving at 10am, he wanted him IN earlier.

So, he says he's changing things for the better ... and wants to know if I would ever give things another go. Another go? Gaaaah. No. I did say, however, that he was making himself a much better man for the next lady to be with him and she would be very, very lucky. I do believe that - the right woman will score a lucky catch with him, but it's not me I'm afraid.

Back on exercise/losing weight ... I have no idea what's happened to my scales, they seem to have gone cockahoop. Unless it's possible to lose 3kg in two weeks ... which I really don't think it is.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Serious Running

"And so it begins..." are the words than went through my head as I began training for my second half-marathon a week and a half ago. Last Wednesday I met up with the Can Too mob, with some old and lots of new faces, to start on the journey again. Oh My God. Ha ha. First training session was, thankfully, easy as I wasn't feeling terribly perky. I think we ran about 7km all up so I didn't really feel like I got past the warm-up point. Last Saturday we did an 8km run that was severely weather affected, not so much by the fact it was raining as the fact it had been raining for quite a number of days. We had to ditch our usual run because a creek was flooded and we couldn't cross, dang, so we ended up having to do laps (10!!) around the oval. Sooo boring.

Last Wednesday's run was a 5km time trial after our 2km warm-up/stretching etc and I was once again not feeling SO fab, I only managed 29.05min but it felt really good and I can feel the potential for proper running fitness returning. Not that I'm ever going to be a fast runner, but if I could manage a, say, 25min time trial I'd be happy.

BEST of all, however, was yesterday's "distance" run ... and I say distance because we're really only in the early stages. We did 10km and - whoo hoo - I was first one home. Not sure this is really indicative of the group as one of the super-quick and fit guys was not there, and another girl who is much faster and a much better runner than I am. It's all about what happens on the day though, and yesterday my 57.45min was good enough to bring me home first. It was NOT an easy run for me though, I struggled up some of the hills and hit a bit of fatigue at about the 7km mark. Really should've eaten breakfast ... but running starts at 7.30am, so to eat something and not have it affect the running I would need to eat at about 6am. Must remember to get some bananas or something next week, which is 12km.

Emotionally it's been a harrowing two or so weeks. I am still attempting to properly process things. The most dramatic point was when my ex, D, turned up on my doorstep begging for a "second chance" and saying I was the best thing that had ever happened in his life blah blah blah. It was horrible. It broke my heart to see him hurting so badly, because despite the fact I do not want to be with him and do not think we are right for each other I still love him and care about him. He has been emotionally crippled by the circumstances of his upbringing which mean he cannot let people in, especially people he cares about, because he's so scared they will leave him - like so many people have in his life. And he was treated with such indifference by his parents, and others, that he now treats people with indifference subconsciously ... to protect himself or something.

*big big sigh* All that aside, however, I cannot help him. He will not see a counsellor, he will not talk openly about things without getting defensive. I do not blame him for everything that was wrong in the relationship, in fact there is no blame to lay at anyone's feet - we are simply two very different people who love each other but cannot make things work, for one reason or another. Anyway, I so desperately want him to be happy ... but I cannot make him happy, no matter how much he thinks I might be the one for him I am not. And if I were to go back to him I would be making myself very unhappy and I would only resent him for it.

So, I am yet to determine where that leaves me ... my thoughts and emotions are in constant turmoil about the way I feel about him, how I want things to be, how I WISH things could be and - lastly - how things are. It's so hard to reconcile all these things, but I am trying.

Argh, all that stuff aside I am feeling so very overwhelmed by things. I seem to be so busy and constantly rushing to get something done, see someone, do something etc etc, I feel like I've barely had time to breathe. I am trying though, starting with getting more bloody sleep. I have no idea how I can MAKE myself go to sleep, and stop my brain from churning, sorting thoughts and feelings etc, but I resolve to get more than afew hours sleep at a time.

Scales were/are moving in the right direction ... and in general things are definitely firming up, seeing more definition etc etc. I've had a rough couple of days, and today scoffed about 6 scorched almonds, and yesterday had possibly a bit too much bread. But ... oh well, back on track tomorrow.

So, that's exc

Sunday, 8 February 2009

The Big Picture

Not so much about weight-loss, crappy jobs and the like today.

I am just so horrified, shocked and upset by the stories and images coming through re: the bushfires in Victoria. As I write, something like 65 confirmed dead and fears the final toll is bound to reach well over this. Most from the same few towns, which are all very small communities. This article made me wish I could send the water currently flooding Far North Queensland in the opposite direction. What's equally as bad is the fact it's not over! There are something like 8 fires still burning, out of control, and the best the firies can hope for is to create containment lines and hope they hold.

The thought of seeing a firefront approaching, having to decide to get in the car and leave your house, livestock, possessions etc behind, and then get caught in the road somewhere, surrounded by flames and perishing is just ... oh, beyond words.

I am praying for those people and their families and friends. I hope the rain gets there soon!

So, yeah, today this kind of snapped me out of my bad funk. It made me realise sure I have my "problem areas", but at least I haven't lost everything - including my life - and despite recent back issues, I have my health, I have A job which pays pretty good and isn't totally horrendous most of the time, my parents are healthy and well, and I have my friends who care about me and love me in spite of my flaws etc. While some bodies might be perfect, nobody is perfect so I really should just accept things - the good and the bad - and start to enjoy my life and the pursuit of my goals instead of wishing I could just achieve the goals, thinking my life will be complete if I have less wobbly thighs, more toned upper arms and a six-pack.

I guess for me Living Life Course 101 started today. I hope I get a High Distinction!

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Another cranky, ranty blog - beware!

I am so p*ssed off right now. Just had one of those wonderful "team" meetings where you all sit around and talk about various crap that everyone already knows about. Usually, they're nothing and I spend the time trying not to fall asleep. Nope! Not today. Today seemed to be a chance for my inexperienced and generally limp-wristed boss to take potshots at everyone, and yep - I was lined up for a nice hot shot.

Am I a slacker? Am I bad at my job? Nope. In fact on many previous occasions he has a) begged me not to leave to another department within the company (didn't like that manager so didn't need much convincing); and b) said that I am one of the people who holds the department together and that when I'm on shift he knows everything will be alright. So why am I so angry? We work 10-hour shifts, which is a bloody long time let me tell you, and we get an hour break. Because of the way I like to structure my day/myself I generally opt to simply take a 15 minute break and leave 45 minutes early so I can get to various things (gym, running, beat the traffic).

In today's meeting my manager says that he's really "disappointed" by people not taking breaks, and that it's not cool or healthy (like HE would know the fat bastard) to sit at your desk for 9 hours with no break) and then leave at 3pm. I was the only person in the room who starts early enough to finish at 3pm (my shift starts at 6am), so it was clearly a thinly-veiled attack on me! In front of everyone, he didn't even have the decency or guts to approach me on this issue individually.

So, that's it. From now on I'm going to take that hour break PLUS go out every two hours - like the smokers do - for 10 minutes. I'll toe the line, while looking for another fabulous job!


Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Is it any wonder...

Just a short vent required. Is it any wonder women develop/have complexes about their bodies? I've just finished reading some article about Jessica Simpson "stacking on the pounds" causing her boyfriend to lose interest in her and cheat on her. Gaaah. Number one, I hardly think she's stacked on the pounds ... she looks perfectly healthy and happy! The only thing she could be accused of is choosing less than flattering outfits ... which really IS a bit of a crime considering the amount of coin she has to spend on outfits and people she can pay to make sure she looks good in said outfits.

THEN to suggest the entire reason her boyfriend has cheated is because she's gained some curves is just ludicrous. Perhaps it's more to do with the fact he's a loser scumbag? Huh, huh.

Ahhh, much better.

I think I am slowly making peace with my body. After torturing it at Bikram last night (the intermediate class no less), making some serious progress in standing bow pose (which is supposed to look something like this) to my great delight/surprise, then discovering the joys of Quinoa after finally locating it in the health food section at the supermarket, I caught myself glaring at my reflection in the mirror - my eyes immediately seeking out all the bits I don't like. It seems the only part of me that's not healthy is my attitude! You know, physically I am working on strengthening, stretching and building fitness and I am eating a good, healthy, balanced diet ... and then I am sabotaging myself by looking at myself and thinking "hmm, thighs are still looking a bit heavy, need to trim up here" etc etc. Yes, very healthy thinking.

So I slapped myself 'round a bit and told myself to snap out of it and look at the positives - I had just done 90 minutes of intense Bikram - which is cardio, strengthening and flexibility training all in one - and had noticed improvement etc and enjoyed it. Even if I'm not where I want to be, I am working towards it and I should enjoy the journey rather than just hanging out for the results. Because even when (yes WHEN) I get to where I want to be, I will need to stay focussed to maintain it and continue to enjoy the journey. So ... yeah. I must be nicer to and more positive about my body and myself.

Okay ... oddly segued rant over.

Monday, 2 February 2009

New Discovery

On Saturday morning my physio appointment conflicted with pretty much every gym class, Bikram class I could do - they were either going to cut across it or leave me with only half an hour to get home, change and get to the physio and not really enough time to cool down so that I wasn't sweaty etc. I HAD thought about going for a run, but thought I'd better wait and see what torturer-physio had to say. So I slept in (until 7am - record for me!), stripped the bed, washed the sheets, hung them on the line, did more washing, cleaning and watched some Dr Who. Walked over to the physio for another torture session, which involved him apologising after noticing the bruises his last few treatments have left. Ouchy.

After that I faffed about a bit more, freaked out slightly after a friend of mine invited herself to another friend of mine's birthday do ... not realising that the friend whose b'day it was didn't like her, so I had to figure out a way to tell her she wasn't invited. Basically, she asked me if I wanted to catch up on Saturday night and I said I couldn't as I was going out with J for her b'day (with a group of others) and she said "oh, so what time's that" and then "oh, and where are we meeting". These two girls ... well, women, have met before and are not friends, but I think my friend just wanted to go out so desperately that it didn't matter who with. Sooo, I could have told her she simply wasn't really invited, but instead I said we'd booked a table at a restaurant and it was booked out. I'm quite sure she didn't believe me, because 99% of restaurants can always make room for one more. But argh, stuff happens right?

THEN I made a brilliant discovery. Went to the gym at 12pm and - it was DEAD quiet! Everyone was probably at the beach or out doing stuff, leaving the gym free to roam around at my leisure instead of eyeing off the availability of rowing machines while I'm on the bike/treadmill/X-trainer. And the weights room was full of harmless, nice dad-looking men who didn't feel the need to look me up and down OR take up several work stations at once. No! I felt quite comfortable doing my little upper body workout ... well, 20 mins of biceps, triceps, back and shoulders anyway.

So, forget about mornings or afternoons - on the weekend it's all about the middle of the day. PLUS I got to hang out in the air con - always a bonus.

Sunday didn't manage to factor much exercise in besides walking from our hotel in the city to Darling Harbour for breakfast, then a swim at a friend's place, plus walking around the city with my bag after lunch/swim etc. Eating wasn't terrible ... wasn't fabulous either and had about six glasses of wine over the weekend all up I think. No booze this week! Bikram this arvo (eeek!), then tomorrow is pump then a swim, Wednesday cardio + pump, Thursday Bikram + Pump and Friday ... um, we shall see how we're going by then. During the week going to do some little 20 minute runs to gauge how the ol' back is going and if all is good then will do good 10km on Saturday morning at whatever pace is required. Then will hit the gym at lunchtime!