Serious Running

"And so it begins..." are the words than went through my head as I began training for my second half-marathon a week and a half ago. Last Wednesday I met up with the Can Too mob, with some old and lots of new faces, to start on the journey again. Oh My God. Ha ha. First training session was, thankfully, easy as I wasn't feeling terribly perky. I think we ran about 7km all up so I didn't really feel like I got past the warm-up point. Last Saturday we did an 8km run that was severely weather affected, not so much by the fact it was raining as the fact it had been raining for quite a number of days. We had to ditch our usual run because a creek was flooded and we couldn't cross, dang, so we ended up having to do laps (10!!) around the oval. Sooo boring.

Last Wednesday's run was a 5km time trial after our 2km warm-up/stretching etc and I was once again not feeling SO fab, I only managed 29.05min but it felt really good and I can feel the potential for proper running fitness returning. Not that I'm ever going to be a fast runner, but if I could manage a, say, 25min time trial I'd be happy.

BEST of all, however, was yesterday's "distance" run ... and I say distance because we're really only in the early stages. We did 10km and - whoo hoo - I was first one home. Not sure this is really indicative of the group as one of the super-quick and fit guys was not there, and another girl who is much faster and a much better runner than I am. It's all about what happens on the day though, and yesterday my 57.45min was good enough to bring me home first. It was NOT an easy run for me though, I struggled up some of the hills and hit a bit of fatigue at about the 7km mark. Really should've eaten breakfast ... but running starts at 7.30am, so to eat something and not have it affect the running I would need to eat at about 6am. Must remember to get some bananas or something next week, which is 12km.

Emotionally it's been a harrowing two or so weeks. I am still attempting to properly process things. The most dramatic point was when my ex, D, turned up on my doorstep begging for a "second chance" and saying I was the best thing that had ever happened in his life blah blah blah. It was horrible. It broke my heart to see him hurting so badly, because despite the fact I do not want to be with him and do not think we are right for each other I still love him and care about him. He has been emotionally crippled by the circumstances of his upbringing which mean he cannot let people in, especially people he cares about, because he's so scared they will leave him - like so many people have in his life. And he was treated with such indifference by his parents, and others, that he now treats people with indifference subconsciously ... to protect himself or something.

*big big sigh* All that aside, however, I cannot help him. He will not see a counsellor, he will not talk openly about things without getting defensive. I do not blame him for everything that was wrong in the relationship, in fact there is no blame to lay at anyone's feet - we are simply two very different people who love each other but cannot make things work, for one reason or another. Anyway, I so desperately want him to be happy ... but I cannot make him happy, no matter how much he thinks I might be the one for him I am not. And if I were to go back to him I would be making myself very unhappy and I would only resent him for it.

So, I am yet to determine where that leaves me ... my thoughts and emotions are in constant turmoil about the way I feel about him, how I want things to be, how I WISH things could be and - lastly - how things are. It's so hard to reconcile all these things, but I am trying.

Argh, all that stuff aside I am feeling so very overwhelmed by things. I seem to be so busy and constantly rushing to get something done, see someone, do something etc etc, I feel like I've barely had time to breathe. I am trying though, starting with getting more bloody sleep. I have no idea how I can MAKE myself go to sleep, and stop my brain from churning, sorting thoughts and feelings etc, but I resolve to get more than afew hours sleep at a time.

Scales were/are moving in the right direction ... and in general things are definitely firming up, seeing more definition etc etc. I've had a rough couple of days, and today scoffed about 6 scorched almonds, and yesterday had possibly a bit too much bread. But ... oh well, back on track tomorrow.

So, that's exc