Monday, 21 January 2013

I am the water-drinking bird

You know what I'm talking about, those toys which use (I think) some form of capillary action/gravity/evaporation ... look, I don't know what it is that makes them work, but this is what I mean.

That's how I feel at the moment - completely up and down. One day I will be up, and feel positive about the future and ready to move on from undeserving men who treat people like s*** and never look back. I feel positive about health, fitness etc.

But the next day I'm down, I am questioning why I keep choosing the wrong men, who treat people like s*** and can do this without a second-thought to the other person's emotions.

Then I'm back up, thinking "who cares, let's live life", then down again wondering what went so wrong and what I did that made him go from wanting to plan weekends away and doing lovely thoughtful things, to complete indifference/disinterest.

 Today I am somewhere in between the two, but mostly tired because I lay in bed until way too late last night with my mind buzzing through so many questions about why the previously mentioned s*** keeps happening to me. In all of this s***, I am the common denominator. How and why do I keep finding these guys? Who don't even show me basic good manners by letting me know they don't want to see me again, they just stop returning calls/texts and hope I'll get the hint. WHY? It's such an a**hole thing to do, and shows so little consideration or regard for the other person. How could you do it?

If it was after a few dates, I would not be worrying about this. But in the last year, two guys who were on the precipice of becoming "someone special" - after three months of dating - just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know they're both still alive, so death is not the excuse, and neither are in a coma - the only other acceptable excuse.

I am really trying not to focus on this though, but I really wish I knew what it is about me that guys don't even think I'm worth the 30 seconds it might take to send a text message saying: "I'm sorry, I don't want to see you anymore". Or something. I'm trying reaaaally hard, also, not to make it about the size of my thighs/bum etc, but the thought keeps going through my mind "nobody would treat someone hot/thin like this". Then again, I'm sure they do. *sigh* I really need to force myself to stop thinking about this, I probably need some closure ... but I'm never going to get it from the last idiot manchild, so I must get it for myself. I keep telling myself that it's a GOOD thing, what has happened, because clearly I would never want to be with someone who treats people as he's treated me ... but for some reason, it's just not getting through.

What are the magic words I need to say to make everything feel okay again? I really wish I knew.

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