Friday, 11 January 2013

Bouncing Back

The title of this post is somewhat misleading ... but I can't think of a word to describe somewhat bouncing back, or heading in the right direction TO bounce back. Any ideas on that one?
I must thank the universe for my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am generally the strong, supportive type and rarely am I the one calling others for a shoulder to cry on, and ask for reassurance. For the first time in a veeery long time, I reached out and asked for help. Not because I was hurting, I've been hurt before and that I can handle by myself, but because I was so confused. How can something change so completely in three days?
We thrashed it out, went through possible situations, reasons, scenarios, issues, and basically talked ad nauseam about this guy and what could be going through his mind. All we could really determine was that there was something going on, and we would never know what. After much debate, it was agreed that I needed to give him a lifeline - to reach out to him in case he was going through something and didn't know how to either ask for help, or tell me what was going on and explain why he needed space. Was he thinking he'd left it too long to contact me, was he wanting to contact me but thought I didn't want to hear from him? These were some of the issues that were raised that might be preventing him from reaching out. Some friends recounted how they had been through similar things, where at the exact wrong time they'd gone through "something" and left it too long to contact someone who they wanted to. Then, the fear of rejection/anger stopped them from contacting that person - but they always wished that person would contact them.
Based on this thinking, we agreed a lifeline, in the form of a friendly, short and open message, would be delivered in the form of a friendly, inviting text message. It was sent. And replied to. But the reply was so "ridiculous" (as described by two friends separately) that we agreed that things were done and dusted and I should not spend another minute worrying about it.
The first 24-hours were tough, but fortunately I was too tired and sore (first 10km run in three months or so) to really care too much. My friends were worried about leaving me alone with my thoughts, so insisted on taking me out to dinner one night, and then I took myself off to the movies with some friends another night ... three-hours of 'The Hobbit' was a good way to spend an evening during Sydney's spell of hot weather. But really, I'd already been through the terribly hurt phase ... I was already healing.
I've had lots of great and motivating comments and support from friends but, as always, until I got the following point of view into my head I still had the urge to try to contact him to get - if nothing else - a definitive explanation and that ever-elusive closure.
Here's what I'm now thinking. To cut contact with someone and give no form of explanation, no matter the circumstances, is a selfish thing to do. Unless you have breathed your last breath or are in a coma - there is simply no excuse.
When you break it off with someone and you know they're not expecting it - you know you will hurt their feelings and it will be an awkward situation, ignoring the possibility that they go apeshit on you and tell you what a jerk/bitch you are. It's a given there will be hurt feelings and awkward/uncomfortable moments for both parties. By simply ignoring someone, you are being - aside from a range of other adjectives - incredibly selfish and self-indulgent.
Because you are only thinking of yourself. Not only are you selfish, but you're potentially stupid. If you rationalise your behaviour somewhere along the lines of "the truth would hurt them more" - you clearly haven't thought this one through.  By simply dropping contact with someone and leaving them to "get the hint" you don't want to see them again - you are still hurting them, but this way you don't risk hurting yourself or putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. They would be hurt no matter how you do it, so why not share in some of the negative feelings? You're the cause of them, so partake in the aftermath.
I am by no means perfect, and I have freely admitted that in the past I have after one or two dates dropped contact with someone because I was not interested. In some cases this has been because they're potential lunatics, but mostly because we both knew there was nothing to pursue. If any of these guys, however, continued trying to contact me - I would then let them know that I wasn't interested.
I have always been up-front, straight-forward and honest with ending something with someone I'm seeing seriously. It's incredibly awkward, you know they will invariably disappointed, upset, angry, confused etc. Even if I don't like them as a person in "that" way, I care about them as a person - a fellow human being- even if I don't want to be involved with them.
Sooo, where am I going with this? Hopefully I've gotten close to explaining why I think ignoring someone, rather than telling them straight out that you don't want to see them, is a bad and nasty thing to do. Yes? You know it will hurt them to ignore them, but you do it anyway to avoid hurting yourself by telling them straight or, at the very least, being in an awkward situation. Selfish. [Seriously though, how hard is it to send a text saying "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me. I don't want to continue things, but I wish you all the best in the future"]
Here is where I'm going and why I'm heading towards bouncing back ... I don't want to be with that sort of selfish and cruel person. So now, I am relieved at the turn of circumstances. I've dodged a bullet! And it happened before I got "too" involved. Or relocated (it was on the cards). Phew!
I still have moments where I feel a bit low, and wonder whether I did something wrong, or whether my bum too big, or is the reason he could treat me like this is because he had no respect for me, or didn't want to make the effort because I'm not worth it, etc etc, but I am refusing to go there. That's just bs.
So, moving on and bouncing back. It's been great to vent all my thoughts and feelings here, and it's been so heart-warming to see all my friends rally around me to make sure I'm okay and cheer me up, so they are two more positives I've gotten out of this. I feel very lucky and looking forward to a great 2013.

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