Hurt. Bad.

Warning: pathetic, self-serving, self-pity and pathetic rant ahead. But I am hurting so badly right now I feel sick.

It's the "guy" ... or the guy who was the guy, and is now seemingly no longer the guy. And if he IS still the guy, in his mind, I don't think I want him to be the guy.

The chronological sequence of events that have led to this moment...

Two weeks ago (pre-christmas): drove 2 hours to visit "the guy", taking with me a Christmas ham which was given to me as a work gift but that I had no chance of eating, and a Christmas present for his daughter (non-expensive, but she loves it). Despite me making the effort to see him, I make us both dinner ... and then have to get up at 5.30am the next morning to drive back to Sydney in time for work.

One week ago: Leave my family who I spend precious little time with two days after Christmas to drive from the south coast to north coast to spend time with him. Present him with a Christmas present, which renders him embarrassed because he didn't buy me anything. After three months ... hmm. His reasoning for not buying me a present is that he couldn't think of anything. I really didn't need a present, I have everything I want/need. It hurt because I spent hours thinking about what to get him, what he needed and what he would like. Called two people and then stressed about whether he'd like it or not. Naturally, because I'd put serious thought behind it, he loved it.

Also after driving foreeeever to see him, he has made zero effort to do something nice for me. No dinner planned, no food in the house, no nice bottle of wine chilling ... nothing. The bed doesn't even has sheets on them because he stripped it and can't be arsed to re-make it.

The next day is nice, we spent time with his daughter (who loves me) and take her to the beach. But then, on the only night we have together, all he wants to do is sit on his arse and watch TV ... after we agreed to go out to dinner.

On the third day he has to go to work, but I caught up with friends who were holidaying nearby ... and then rush back to go to the supermarket and cook him a lovely dinner. The next morning, he has to leave early, but I stay later and make him a fresh salad for dinner with a cute note on it.

All that, is fine. But ... he was supposed to work on New Year's Eve, which is the reason why he can't spend it with me. Then he cancels work that morning, deciding he doesn't feel well ... so still can't spend the night with me. We talk and he tells me he'll call me before midnight. He doesn't. It turns out, even though he's not well enough to work, or spend the night with me, he can go for a midnight scuba dive with friends.

I don't hear from him until the next day, when I text him. When I do call him, he sounds like he'd rather be getting teeth pulled than talk to me ... I say as much, and he responds with "yeah, I'm just tired". I say "okay, well I'll let you go and you can talk to me another time when you're not tired". He sends me a text saying "I'm sorry", and I reply with "that's fine, let's talk tomorrow when we're both feeling better", he asks me if I'm okay, and I say I'm fine, but upset he didn't call me on NYE, as he said he would, and didn't call on New Year's Day to make up for it.

No reply. And fast forward to now, two days later, not only do I have no reply ... but he is also ignoring my calls (2) and texts (2). So, what is going on here? He knows I'm upset, and he knows why, I don't think I'm overreacting, I'm not the hysterical type. I was just being open with how I felt, without being too full on. Being ignored, for me, is just the worst. Treat me with love, hate, respect, dislike or whatever ... but don't treat me with indifference.

This is more just a dump of my thoughts/feelings ... I just need to get it out. But really wish I knew what to do now ...