Your limit...

Do you know your exercise limit? I guess you really only know when you go over it, which is exactly what I did on Saturday. As it turns out, my limit is a 8km run and a five hour Bikram workshop ... the day after working for 11-hours, doing Pump (only 45-mins), watching a rugby match, drinking 4 beers and 2 glasses of red wine and walking approx. 3km walking in three inch heels.

I got home at 12.30am on Friday night/Saturday morning and woke up at 6am with glowing red eyes and a nasty niggling headache. Fabulous! Drank about a litre of water, coffee and powerade (not mixed together), eye drops and Panadol and fronted up for the run. We did 2km warm-up, then 10mins of serious core-work, dynamic stretching and we were off. It. Was. Hard. My legs felt heavy and tired ... in fact, all of me felt heavy and tired. I still came home pretty well, I think, but I had to push myself every single tiny step of the way, and at the 3km mark I really wanted to give up. But I didn't! I ran it in 45mins, which was bang-on the time I was vaguely aiming for.

Buoyed by the fact I didn't give up and ran the time I wanted to I raced home for shower, change of clothes and super-quick and light breakfast before heading off for my Bikram workshop. Now THIS was hard. It was basically a Bikram session drawn out over five hours (minus a 15 min break), but with more breaks, more talking (from the instructor) and WE were allowed to ask questions. The instructor was a GODDESS, OMFG. Gorgeous, lithe and sooo lovely and friendly. Argh, good inspiration though. Anyway, she broke down each posture into more manageable morsels ... sometimes I get a bit swept away by the instruction in class, so this was really helpful to actually find out what I was supposed to be doing.

I drove home exhausted beyond belief (almost falling asleep), aching all over AND feeling incredibly inspired and positive. I have been jotting down little notes everywhere every time I remember something amazing I heard/watched and will put it together in a more coherent form at some point in time. For me I think the main message was to choose to live your life the way you want to. Want to spend your life wishing you could do things, but never attempting to do them ... or attempting things once or twice and then giving up? No! Spend your life choosing to follow your dreams and desires, and keep on following them. Further on that, the theory was to hold yourself accountable to yourself, when you go for a Bikram session (or a run/gym class) commit to working as hard as you can on that day. You know, some days you feel 150%, others more like 100%, and sometimes much less. It was all about listening to your body, working with it instead of against it and being friends with it instead of hating it.

Obviously went on a lot longer than that, but it was light a silver shaft of light went into my head and brushed some of the dust off those emotions I've neglected ... things like self-esteem and appreciation for myself and my efforts. Sometimes I just feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

Anyway, a run and Bikram workshop after a night out is DEFINITELY my limit.

Monday

Feeling 1001 times better today, amazing what a decent night's sleep will do for you.

Here is my exercise plan for this week, unfortunately it is subject to late changes due to work n' stuff, but this is the plan.

Mon: 7km run, 20 min cardio (depending on time), 1 hr pump
Tues: 90 min Bikram
Wed: 1.5 - 2 hr running training
Thurs: Bikram
Fri: 45 min Pump
Sat: Running - 8km, 5 hour intensive Bikram "posture" clinic.
Sun: 30 min light run somewhere noice. Beach? Will depend on the weather.

Adventurous I know ... will also depend on me being able to get a decent amount of sleep at some stage.

Plan is to eat super healthy and clean too. Today is so far so good: 1/2 cup muesli with 2 tabs yoghurt for breakfast, handful of nuts for morning tea, multi-grain roll with 2 slices ham, salad for lunch (no butter of course), banana and box of sultanas for afternoon snack. Also about to have a coffee to give me a bit of a boost ahead of my arvo run. Fallin' asleep. Sure, sure it's not ideal ... but better than being totally zoned out while running. Today actually remembered watch and proper running pants. AND going to test out new shoes today. Well, new-ish shoes anyway. Bought them last year but then developed emotional attachment to the shoes I ran my 1/2 mara in. They, however, are now approaching their final stages - boo hoo!

Well that was stooopid...

Yep. This weekend has been a write off in more ways than one.\
Physically okay, running on Saturday (12km) was great, was a hard trail run and I felt strong the whole way and even chased down one of the faster runners in the last 2km. Whoo hoo.

That's where the good stuff ends and the crap begins. Went out for drinks with some friends on Saturday night and we ended up having Thai for dinner ... had simple chicken and cashew stir fry and had about 1/2 cup of rice, so that wasn't too bad. The eight or so drinks following was definitely NOT good, nor was the 1/2 pita toasted with cheese (low fat - blah) I had to eat when I got home.

Sunday, today, was absolute utter crapola and I actively made the decision for it to be utter crapola. Breakfast started fabulously with porridge made with water and a cup of tea, then I met a friend for some shopping and had coffee ... and a muffin. Saw a movie, He's Just Not That Into You, which struck some firm and savage blows with me ... realising how utterly crap my relationship with D was ... how many mistakes we both made, but how I should've seen the bloody signs a lot earlier. Ate nice bag of air popped pop-corn, which isn't SO bad, but then ate good handful or two of mixed lollies. By choice! I actively bought them with the intent to eat them. Grrr.

Afterwards, minor hooray, found the perfect shoes for the bridesmaid's gig ... PLUS they were reduced to $60 and it was 50% off that! Noice. $124.95 shoes for $34.50. I was stoked, and I will definitely wear them again.

Then, utter crap again. Went for a few beers and, once again, actively made the decision to have a few DISGUSTING cigarettes. Why, why, WHY? I hate the things, they made me/make me feel disgusting and are the worst thing a person can do to their body. Why did I do this?

Argh, as if that wasn't bad enough I then stoooopidly answered a phonecall from D when I was feeling all melancholy and it was a horrible conversation with him - as usual - talking to me with such hurtful indifference. Why did I answer the phone. Felt utterly miserable about the whole day.

Think I redeemed myself ever so slightly by having nice healthy dinner with kanagaroo steak, baby spinach and mashed sweet potato.

So, what can I do? Well, start a fresh I guess. Suffer dreadfully during tomorrow afternoon's 7km run and Pump class and basically learn a hard lesson.

What's that saying ... to err is human to forgive is divine? I've erred, that's for sure, now I must forgive myself and allow myself to move on from this and not let it become the pattern for the week/month etc.

Step one of the recovey process will be to ... sleep. Get a good 8 hours tonight and start tomorrow feeling a bit more nornmal :)

Friday ... thank god

Woke up very, very tired this morning. Last month at work has been extremely busy, lots of training and not enough sleep for one reason or another. Anyhoo, had weigh in and check in with the nutritionist and was 2kg down since Monday two weeks ago. Whoo hoo. And have lost 7cm off my waist in the last six weeks or so - down to 70cm (which is good for me). Afterwards on my super sneaky backstreets shortcut to the gym, naturally, took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up spending an extra 20 minutes trying to get to the gym. Was in plenty of time, however, to get to Pump where I had to laugh when the instructor was a lady who used to instruct me at my first Sydney gym! It was a big reunion, and I was naturally THRILLED when she remarked on how much weight I've lost since then ... although was a little embarrassed because she said it rather loudly, and could just feel the eyes of the other women in the class on me, thinking "sheesh, she could lose another 20kg" ... or at least 15kg. Argh, paranoia city.

Anyhoo, rest of the day has been spent feeling v. tired, doing washing, attempting to go shopping for outfit for tomorrow evening drinks with friends but ended up buying (OMG I'm old) a new iron, ironing board cover and handful of undies. Oh dear. Oh well. Figured I have quite enough clothes really ... although, what is wrong with me, Shoobiz is being closed down - Australia-wide - and all shoes were 50% off. Do you think I could find some I really liked?? No. And yeah, I looked good and hard ... but they all just looked so blah, and I just can't handle blah shoes anymore.

What other news?? Hmm. Bridesmaid gig is getting more insane by the day ... cannot face the colour scheme, cannot face the dress, do not want to drive five hours into the country and be partnered in the bridal party by some guy I went on a blind date with over two years ago. Boo hoo. Must remember to take a personal stash of booze! Because they are bound to run out.

Tomorrow is 12km run, looking forward to it! Although must attempt to get more sleep ... weather in Sydney is quite good for sleeping, very mild and not too sunny. Mmmm, sleep.

Scales

On the scales - I should note that they have been on the way out for a while. Too much travelling. They don't sit at 0, about -2kg, so it's only ever an approximate thing anyway.

Mad Monday

Okay, so yesterday I went kind of crazy. Went for a very hilly 7km run with one of the fab gals from Can Too, which felt surprisingly easy for me (WTF?), so afterwards I went to the gym and did 40 mins of cardio (bike, rower and X-trainer) before Pump.

Only a little bit sore today too, mainly in the arms as I put my weights up a bit on some tracks ... a good sign? Or a sign I should be pushing myself that hard every day ... which frankly, simply isn't possible because I didn't get home 'til 7.45pm after leaving for work at 5.45pm and I was completely shattered.

Had a big talk with D too about "things" and managed not to get too emotional, and instead say what I was really feeling - that he needed to grow up. I'm all for being silly, loving life and stuff ... but there are adult things you simply have to do. Like clean the house, wash your clothes, buy food, keep track of appointments etc somehow ... none of which he does. Result? He is constantly running out of clean clothes, picking stuff off the floor-robe, the house is FILTHY, he misses things because he's not written the date or time down (a friend's funeral!) and is constantly tired because he stays up late watching TV or playing Playstation, sleep 'til 9am and then rushes to work without eating. And yeah, on the eating thing - he never has ANY food in the house. I'm not talking about when you were a kid and you'd complain to your parents there was nothing to eat ... I mean literally, there is no food in his house. The pantry is full of old rice, pasta, spices etc that other people have bought or he bought and has never used (and has nothing to use with), he never has any fruit, veg or salad, bread , milk, juice, biscuits, etc etc. Argh, anyway ... if that's the way he wants to live, fine, whatever - but I didn't like it, so it was one more of the things I put on the list of reasons why I don't want to get back together.

Anyway, he listened to my mini-lecture. He agreed that he needed to get some order happening and said he'd actually been going to bed by 10pm and getting up by 6.30am every day. Which is a miracle, as he would never do that when I suggested it. He hasn't been in to work later than 8am, which was always a bug-bear with one of his bosses - he didn't care if he stayed 'til 7pm to make up for arriving at 10am, he wanted him IN earlier.

So, he says he's changing things for the better ... and wants to know if I would ever give things another go. Another go? Gaaaah. No. I did say, however, that he was making himself a much better man for the next lady to be with him and she would be very, very lucky. I do believe that - the right woman will score a lucky catch with him, but it's not me I'm afraid.

Back on exercise/losing weight ... I have no idea what's happened to my scales, they seem to have gone cockahoop. Unless it's possible to lose 3kg in two weeks ... which I really don't think it is.

Serious Running

"And so it begins..." are the words than went through my head as I began training for my second half-marathon a week and a half ago. Last Wednesday I met up with the Can Too mob, with some old and lots of new faces, to start on the journey again. Oh My God. Ha ha. First training session was, thankfully, easy as I wasn't feeling terribly perky. I think we ran about 7km all up so I didn't really feel like I got past the warm-up point. Last Saturday we did an 8km run that was severely weather affected, not so much by the fact it was raining as the fact it had been raining for quite a number of days. We had to ditch our usual run because a creek was flooded and we couldn't cross, dang, so we ended up having to do laps (10!!) around the oval. Sooo boring.

Last Wednesday's run was a 5km time trial after our 2km warm-up/stretching etc and I was once again not feeling SO fab, I only managed 29.05min but it felt really good and I can feel the potential for proper running fitness returning. Not that I'm ever going to be a fast runner, but if I could manage a, say, 25min time trial I'd be happy.

BEST of all, however, was yesterday's "distance" run ... and I say distance because we're really only in the early stages. We did 10km and - whoo hoo - I was first one home. Not sure this is really indicative of the group as one of the super-quick and fit guys was not there, and another girl who is much faster and a much better runner than I am. It's all about what happens on the day though, and yesterday my 57.45min was good enough to bring me home first. It was NOT an easy run for me though, I struggled up some of the hills and hit a bit of fatigue at about the 7km mark. Really should've eaten breakfast ... but running starts at 7.30am, so to eat something and not have it affect the running I would need to eat at about 6am. Must remember to get some bananas or something next week, which is 12km.

Emotionally it's been a harrowing two or so weeks. I am still attempting to properly process things. The most dramatic point was when my ex, D, turned up on my doorstep begging for a "second chance" and saying I was the best thing that had ever happened in his life blah blah blah. It was horrible. It broke my heart to see him hurting so badly, because despite the fact I do not want to be with him and do not think we are right for each other I still love him and care about him. He has been emotionally crippled by the circumstances of his upbringing which mean he cannot let people in, especially people he cares about, because he's so scared they will leave him - like so many people have in his life. And he was treated with such indifference by his parents, and others, that he now treats people with indifference subconsciously ... to protect himself or something.

*big big sigh* All that aside, however, I cannot help him. He will not see a counsellor, he will not talk openly about things without getting defensive. I do not blame him for everything that was wrong in the relationship, in fact there is no blame to lay at anyone's feet - we are simply two very different people who love each other but cannot make things work, for one reason or another. Anyway, I so desperately want him to be happy ... but I cannot make him happy, no matter how much he thinks I might be the one for him I am not. And if I were to go back to him I would be making myself very unhappy and I would only resent him for it.

So, I am yet to determine where that leaves me ... my thoughts and emotions are in constant turmoil about the way I feel about him, how I want things to be, how I WISH things could be and - lastly - how things are. It's so hard to reconcile all these things, but I am trying.

Argh, all that stuff aside I am feeling so very overwhelmed by things. I seem to be so busy and constantly rushing to get something done, see someone, do something etc etc, I feel like I've barely had time to breathe. I am trying though, starting with getting more bloody sleep. I have no idea how I can MAKE myself go to sleep, and stop my brain from churning, sorting thoughts and feelings etc, but I resolve to get more than afew hours sleep at a time.

Scales were/are moving in the right direction ... and in general things are definitely firming up, seeing more definition etc etc. I've had a rough couple of days, and today scoffed about 6 scorched almonds, and yesterday had possibly a bit too much bread. But ... oh well, back on track tomorrow.

So, that's exc