No more driving

Gaaaah! I am SO sick of my car and driving. I have now done nearly 2,000km in just over two weeks and that is ENOUGH. Urgh.

A stellar weekend of activity though. Arrived on the coast on Thursday night in foul and tired mood owing to stupid drivers doing stupid things and nearly driving off the road avoiding one of them, then nearly hitting another bloody kangaroo. Get out of the way you silly things. Went to bed early after realising I was being a grumpy cow to my lovely parents and brother.

Friday I got up early-ish and went for a good 9km/50min or so then dragged my bro and mum to Pump for their first times! My mum was an inspiration and she stuck to it the whole way through ... although god her technique was shockin', ha ha - but I'm sure mine was my first class too.
My bro was funny though, he may be a buff army stud but he ain't so tough when it comes to doing five minutes of squats. He said he'd do whatever weight I did, so he loaded up 10km on either side. Hah, wrong! He was dying half-way through. Then he did the same for the chest, back, tri and biceps track and decided to go down to 2.5kg either side for the rest. The next day I dragged him out of bed at 8am (which is insanely early for him) for a 10km run and then, ha ha, just watched as he hobbled around like an old man for another two days. In fact, today - four days later - he said his chest is still sore. BodyPump 1, little brother 0.

30th birthday party I attended was bloody boring with bad mix of family and friends, a function room designed for 100 with a max of 40 people rattling around in it, baaaad bad DJ and not enough food. No highpoints really, although nearly died laughing (afterwards) when a hideous male friend of my friend - the birthday girl - TOTALLY hit on me. Don't think he associates me with the "fat chick" who he abused about four years ago for refusing to write an article about the appalling conditions Navy men have to endure. Anyway, he's foul anyway so there was no way anything was happening there.

Had Sunday off exercise beyond a walk to the shops for stir fry stuff, then back to it on Monday with a serious and severe Bikram session where the room was heated to 43C!!! I nearly died ... again! Today just did some cardio at the gym at lunch as tonight have flat inspection from friend/landlord and want to do supreme clean so he doesn't kick me out. Not that it's likely, but still. Need to stay there until I pay my car off and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself for the next few years.

Note to self

Oh god ... must add another resolution to 2009, wear make-up to work EVERY DAY. Have just run into/been introduced to a group of the South African cricket players ... with a glowing red (hayfever-induced) nose and tired-looking eyes (those 5am starts). Bloody hell!!! Not that I was going to seduce one (ha ha ha ha) and run off with him, but would've have preferred to at least not look like Rudolph's long lost cousin.

Ooooh the shame.

And while I'm here, am leaving for the coast in 10 minutes and have packed for warm weather!!! And it's 20C and windy/rainy. What am I going to do? Bearing in mind I have made a New Year's resolution not to buy any new clothes for six months ... not that there's any decent shopping to be done in Nowra/JB. Arrrgggh. Can probably borrow an item or two off my mum ... heh, some of my old clothes perhaps?

Hah, and one more thing. Had brilliant revelation earlier today. I had/have been beating myself up for not really losing weight in the last few years. But then I realised, I have not gained any weight in the last three years either! I have successfully maintained for three years. I have probably gained 2kg, but taken it off almost immediately through hard work. So, yay!

I have definitely been complacent in the last few months though ... so I'm going to set myself some new, serious, challenges. Hmmm. Stay tuned!

Update

Day 3 of the New Year's plan and all is going well. Have been positively saintly with food after discovering new spinach salad (English spinach, cherry tomatoes, handful of chopped walnuts, capsicum with homemade dressing) - have now eaten that three days in a row. Have run out so will have to see what's in the fridge/cupboards at home tonight.

Monday - despite being desperately tired - I did Bikram and thought I was going to faint/die/vomit (not unusual - Bikram room gets SO hot on warm days, temp was at 42c) but felt FANTASTIC after sweating Dubbo-related toxins out. Tuesday was going to face Bikram again but was too damn hot, so just did my own gym workout (30 mins bike, 15 mins rower, 20 mins t/m run plus 20 mins weights - ouch), and today I did pump. Whoo hoo. Wheels come off a bit tomorrow as have to leave work and head straight down the coast, so will give myself one day off then go for big runs on Fri and Saturday, and will try to check out the local gym.

Still struggling from sleep deprivation. It's sad but true, but I do believe I'm getting old!

The Plan!

Oh lord, the last four days have been mad, crazy days. Despite being incredibly exhausting, they were extremely refreshing, re-invigorating and life affirming. Some other time I will go into more detail about them.

I don't believe in New Years resolutions because then I feel compelled to stick to something out of duty rather than because I want to. Having said that, I have made some very vague and loose ones!

1. Figure out what I want to do. Have been tossing up 1001 ideas of what the future work-wise will hold for me, or what I want it to hold. Really time to stop faffing about and find my real career. Be it teaching or something else.

2. Don't buy any clothes for six months! Argh. My reasoning is essentially that I do not NEED any new clothes, I have everything I need for any occasion for at least six months. Underwear is not included as I need at least two new bras (black and white) and haven't restricted myself on running gear as will need at least one new pair of running pants and a pair or two of socks. Made the decision on this one after realising that my clothes - once all washed and not in the ironing basket - do not FIT in the wardrobe or large chest of drawers that I have!! No person needs that many clothes, especially when they only wear 10% of it!

Um, that's really it beyond making 2009 better than 2008, which really wouldn't be too hard.

New plan starts tomorrow. I want to lose at least 3kg before training for the next half-marathon starts. Not doing anything drastic, just going to eat much less processed stuff and stick essentially to fruit, salad and vegies and not eat too much meat. Plus do Bikram three times a week, run three times (two 30 min and one 1hr plus), and do Pump at least three times. After running training starts again things will have to be rejigged around the running schedule, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it in a month.

Anyway, that's all for now. Need to eat nice light dinner and get to bed by 8.30pm ... really need some serious recovery sleep!

Hurrah!

My quads don't hurt anymore! I can go up and down steps without needing to hang on to the handrail for dear life! Whooo hoooo, break through. And not a day too late either as tomorrow I have big plans for making a triumphant return to the gym after nearly two weeks off due to sickness and being out whoop-whoop for the Christmas festivities.

The last post was not good I realise, but I just need to vent. Feeling much better about the whole thing now. Although NOT feeling good about the Lindt chocolate balls I ate last night! Argh. Only two, but it's not like I need any more calories to inflate my thighs. Argh. Oh well, back on the plan.

Scary Man

So, this happened a few days ago now - last weekend in fact and I'm still trying to come to terms with exactly what happened.

Saturday was quite a rotten day for me as I felt dreadful, couldn't sleep allllll day. Was supposed to go out on the town with an old friend of mine, S, but obviously there was no way that was happening. Had a bit of a oopsy though as I hadn't heard from her about the night for a good week, and then didn't hear from her on the day until 5pm or so but didn't check my phone until 6.30pm. Then, well, I did mean to reply but then some events took over which kind of distracted me.

A friend of D's and I was having b'day drinks at the nearby but obviously could not go as felt urgh and couldn't drink. However, in the spirit of charity I offered to pick D up from his place, drop him off and then pick him up again afew hours later and drop him home, and then stay. Nice idea right? WELL, this turned into me dropping him off at his sports club's presentation thingo at midday and picking him up again at 5pm - so he could have a few drinks. It was the Christmas Party day sort of thing, so I figured "oh, ALRIGHT". I was sick, but I was right to drive 20 mins etc. When I picked him up he was well on his way - five drinks or so, standing out in the sun, eating crappy food. He stunk! And I didn't feel well, so when he tried to kiss me I was like "don't, I'm sick and don't want to give it to you" and he was like "awww, I don't care". Blah. Then he got upset/cranky because I wouldn't kiss him. Trust me, it was NOT a good idea, I was sinus ache city.

Drove him back to his place and then spent about 40 minutes harassing him to hurry up, ironing him a shirt and jeans, making him have a shower, wash his hair, USE SOAP and the like and finally got out the door and there to drop him off at 7pm.

Went back to my place to watch TV, do washing and generally feel like SHITE until I picked him up at around 11pm. By which stage my sinus headache (dunno if you have these, but they hurt sooo bad your teeth ache) was making me feel ill, my eyes felt like they were burning AND I felt totally weird from the Sudafed etc. Well, D had topped up the five or so drinks he'd had at the sports preso thing with about 5 more so was totally smashed (he's a lightweight). And - I'm gonna say it - while he started out cute, he quickly turned kinda mean. We were driving home and he was kinda rattling away, but talking so loudly it make my headache even worse. So - and I WAS actually nice about this - I asked him to just be quiet for a little while because my head was hurting. He was like, oh right, so do you want ME to drive. Obviously it was a big NO to that one, but that obviously gets him telling me he's not drunk and insisting he drives. Heh, another big no way on that.

But all of this just seems to magnify my sickness and we drive home with me feeling so ill I want to just crash - gently - so I don't have to keep my eyes open, and D sulking about me not wanting to kiss him or let him drive my car.

When we got back to his place it got pretty damn mean. Started OFF with him being all sooky la la, saying he loved me etc … but then he starts telling me I don't love him, have never loved him blah blah, he doesn't know why I bother. You know the sort of thing, he was like "why do you even BOTHER, why are you wasting your time? It's obviously you don't love me or want to be with me etc etc", and frankly I was just too sick and tired to keep telling him I did love him. PLUS he was drunk so I just wanted to let him sleep it off (he wasn't far from the passing out stage, attractive). I can't quite recall what turned him, but he just went off, swearing, yelling and slamming doors. Now, obviously I was not in the most objective of states … but it kinda freaked me out, he had a really nasty edge to his voice and look on his face … not helped by the fact he was drunk, you know how sometimes people LOOK completely different when they're drunk? Well, he looked like a stranger. I've never been scared of him ever, ever, ever of course … but for some reason the yelling, door slamming and abuse (it was nasty) was so out of character I wasn't ruling anything out, so I decided I didn't want to be around him anymore and basically took off. Grabbed my stuff and went out to the car and really just intended to go home and let him sleep it off.

Obviously he followed me out to the car, abusing me all the way and saying "you do this and we're DONE, I've had a gutful of you" blah blah. It really was quite horrendous. Well, I got as far as the end of the driveway and had to stop in the street because the combined effect of crying and having quite bad head cold was REALLY affecting my ability to see OR breathe due to masses of … well, let's just say it was messy! D had gone back into the house, so I thought it would all be fine and sat there quietly trying to calm down (parked by the kerb of course) … but then he comes storming out with an armful of my stuff, bangs on the window and dumps it on the ground telling me to pick it up or he'll leave it for anyone to take. Then he told me I looked like a tool for sitting out in the street (in the car) and storms back into the house.

Urgggh. So got out of the car to retrieve my stuff, feeling well and truly like a tool - a sick tool at that - wondering what the hell has happened to my nice, sweet guy, when he comes charging out of the house again with more of my stuff. Oh blah, it's not worth going into … but basically I managed to EXPLAIN to him that I hadn't driven away yet because I didn't think I should be driving since I was A) sick, B) tired, C) upset and D) exhausted after spending the day and night driving him around. Not sure how/why but he convinced me to go back inside, saying I could sleep upstairs and leave whenever I wanted - he didn't give a sh*t but he didn't want me crashing and killing myself on his conscience. Noice.

Sooooo, went into one of the bedrooms upstairs, slammed my OWN door and basically sat down and tried to calm down. Unfortunately all the upset, sickness, headache and exhaustion combined to make me REALLY sick and I had to run out to be sick in the toilet. Soooo classy. Anyway, D then came up and offered me a glass of water and apologised 1001 times. He asked why I'd run off and I explained it, said while I'd never been worried he would hit me … I know that alcohol can affect a person's judgement etc and you just never know. Said I just wanted to get away from him while he was like that. Anyway, we sat and talked for a while before I decided to go to bed to sleep. Woke up hours later with him stinking like a brewery sleeping next to me. Grrr.

Sunday he was feeling v. sorry for himself, but I did NOT relent and took off early. He rang me several hours later to apologise again, reiterating that he would never hurt me - even if he was drunk etc. Asked him if he remembered the stuff he'd said to me the night before, like about how I needed help because I was "so f*cked up" and wouldn't let anyone it. OMFG, pot calling the kettle black or what. He said he didn't remember anything really, except that we'd been fighting and he'd chucked all my stuff on the lawn near the car. Did NOT have any sympathy as I still felt so sick from being upset/exhausted AND actually sick sick, and basically told him to 'f off himself and never talk to me again.

Gahhhh. He rang me back later, after he'd slept a bit more, to apologise and basically admitted that he only ever saw things from his side and he'd never imagined that I might freak out at him acting SO out of character and being so drunk (he was really gooooone). And mean. He said some mean stuff I have to say. He asked if I would ever be able to forgive him, and I was like "of course, but do you really think I can forget the image of you dumping all my stuff on the lawn and calling me pathetic etc?" I DO believe he was genuinely remorseful, but frankly isn't any abuser sorry after the fact?

So now we're both in that wonderful place we seem to inhabit, relationship limbo. We can't see a clear way forward, there's a huge mess behind us and we're both upset at ourselves and each other. Gaaah.

It's just all too hard. However, my cold has just about cleared up. So much so that on Christmas Day I was able to go for a big run (10kms) which has left me with the sorest quads in Oz after I failed to stretch properly. Fool! I know so much better than that!

Kinda sick and kinda cranky

Just friggin' perfect I tells ya! Survived 99.9 per cent of the year, including a wet and miserable winter, without getting sick only to fall at the final post and catch a cold. I know I'm not alone here, because yesterday when I was in the chemist buying cold and flu stuff there was a host of other people doing the same thing! Ha ha. Oh well. I hadn't been doing too badly up until then, but now cannot breathe through nose and throat is sooooo sore, not to mention the fact my head feels like it's stuffed full of cotton-wool. Blah, whinge whinge.

Up until this point I had been doing a lot of self pep talking. I actually felt like mentally I was getting back to where I wanted to be. I kept buying slimming and health mags, reading websites etc etc looking up weight loss and motivation tips. But then I recognised my old pattern! Duh. Instead of just doing I was looking for external help. And I don't need any! Well, at least I don't need too much. I realised I wasn't going to get anywhere READING about things, I needed to get back to that place where my motivation was self-perpetuating. IE: Ooooh, I felt great after that run on Saturday, must go for another one. Or, gee it felt good to wear that cute dress and know it looked nice, must keep the focus! Much better to feel like that than wish could hide away from people in PJs and stay on the couch.

Half of it is actually me turning my brain OFF. Stop thinking and just do, stop doubting and just do. And especially when it comes to food. Somehow when I was super focussed I got into the habit of just saying "no" to myself and others. You know, when my mind wandered off and was thinking "hmm, fancy a bit of chocolate???" I would say NOOOO. These days I enter into a conversation with myself that goes along the lines of: "mmm, bit of chocolate/biscuit/cake would be nice right now, I could have a cup of tea with it too", "nah, you don't want to do that - minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips", "oh blaaaah, you sound like gran ... besides, I can burn it off another time", "ha ha, well doesn't THAT sound like a certain person three years ago? Well, don't come crying to ME when your jeans won't do up ... ", "HAH, why would I bother? Right, where's that choclit". Or something, either way - I eat the stuff! So, note to self - do not enter into conversation with crazy inner voice.

Same thing applies to that inner voice re: exercise. Today, and yesterday, I allowed it to win because I was really too sick to argue OR face sweating with running nose, headache, sore throat and slight fever (was only at work due to vastly depleted staff numbers). Tomorrow however will not be the same! Determined to go for a nice long walk in the morning (cannot face running ... although, we shall see) and then get to the gym for some Pump! Supposed to be going out with a friend of mine, but I think illness will have to be excuse to avoid. Not really up for it in current state, plus she can be VERY full on on such nights ... lovin' the spotlight, so generally doing things that draw it to her, but I am often caught in it with her! Heh, at the risk of sounding old, maybe when I was 22 I wouldn't have minded a bunch of drunk idiots trying to get off with me ... now am just too crabby and spot a moron far too quickly.

Hmm, this is a nothing post. Blame the cold and flu stuff, it makes me feel weird! Very soon I will get back to more sensible blog stuff not waffling all over the place but talking about what I want to do and why, and HOW.

La la la.