Fed up and confused

Okay, this may be a wee bit self pitying so - be warned. But, seriously, WTF is going on.

Do not ask me why but I put myself out there, once again, and went on a date via an online dating site. We had a great connection, but kept it very low key - as we both wanted to. We both agreed there was a click and that we wanted to see each other again.

I got a cute text message (last night) saying that he thought I had a gorgeous smile and an awesome body. The last bit is quite laughable, but whatever, I'm not going to argue. I always maintain that I look GREAT in clothes as I know how to dress for my shape and cover the bits that need coverage. But I digress.

This morning I sent him a message thanking him for the sweet message, and saying that I thought he was pretty damn hot himself, and that I couldn't wait to see him again. He replied asking me when he got to "feast his eyes" again, and we agreed that we would catch up - today - and that I'd call him after my swimming training session.

Well, I did my bit! Called and left a message, which might've been a little bit of a silly message (just referencing something we'd spoken about a week prior. I forget that I have great recall of small conversation points, and that maybe others don't). So, guess what, I didn't hear from him! I sent him a text five hours after I called saying I was sorry if I offended him, saying it was just a joke, and all I got back was a text saying "what offended me?" I wrote back saying "hee hee, nevermind. I guess it didn't in that case. So, when are you free to chat/catch up". And ...zilch..

Blah. I do NOT understand. At 9.30am he's telling me he thinks I'm a spunk and that I'd be a "dream" to touch (hah) and literally four hours later he's ignoring calls and not returning them.

Tell me, what happens in four hours????

There goes my brain....

Cranky post - be warned.
First, some good news. I can fit into my skinny jeans (skinny as in small sized, not skinny leg jeans - I could never wear them), with no muffin top and 100% comfort sitting down. Rockin'! Means, of course that my OTHER jeans are now too big. Blah, I'm buying new ones.

Secondly, I need to slap myself very hard. WHY do I do this to myself, why. Goes something like this - met a great guy last weekend, went out with him for drinks the next night. Caught up with him on Wednesday and went out for drinks on Friday. Was a smitten kitten, smiling like a loon. So, what happened at drinks on Friday. Duh! Had lots of drinks, let him convince me to let him come home with me ... I was like, fine, but I'm wearing PJs and you're keeping your hands to yourself. All seemed good until about 20 minutes into falling asleep when we start kissing and one thing leads to another - yadda yadda yadda.

So, guess what? This guy who previously - as in on Friday - was telling me how much he liked me and literally asked me to be his girlfriend, has now fallen off the face of the earth. WTF? He sent me a text on Saturday saying he had an amazing night and thinks I'm fantastic and have the best legs in the world (obviously a lie), and then - poof. He was gone. I sent him two follow-up messages and heard nothing back for over a day and a half. Considering prior to Friday I heard from him at least once a day, it's obvious something is up. What can I say ... the only thing that happened between Friday and Saturday was me sleeping with him.

WHYYYYY the f*ck did I do it??? I mean, apart from the obvious reason (a few too many drinks). I know better than that, especially with a guy I like! Bloody hell.

Anyhoo, in other good news - I'm on holidays now so have two weeks to forget about it. Plus, going up to far north Queensland for some sun ... coming back with a tan or at least having caught up on my sleep deficit.

Lesson may have finally been learnt eh? No more!

Man update

It's Saturday night of the long-weekend and I've been inside practically all day ... sick! Baaah. Not sure, but I actually feel worse than yesterday ... hopefully tomorrow my quiet night tonight will pay off and I'll feel better.

Anyway, my last post updated everything (pretty much) except MEN. Well, there's been all sorts of strange goings on in that department of late. I've been back on the good ol' online dating scene for a while and ... man, it's super depressing. Here is a quick-fire break-down of my dating adventures:

Short-arse: Lied BIG time about his height (ie: said he was 5'10" and was 5'6") and was total sleeze - sitting WAY too close to me and patting my hand and arm, and also called me darling. When he asked me if I wanted to catch up again I said "sure, as friends", and he texted me the same night asking me out again. It was late, so I ignored it, and the next day he sent me a range of texts telling me I was dishonest and a liar and should've told him upfront I wasn't interested. Phew, dodged a bullet there. Psycho.

Mr Insecure: God-love him but Mr Insecure was great on email, chat and even talking on the phone. But when it came to actually meeting in person - he went extremely strange. Also, he wouldn't share pics. He kept asking me for ones (that weren't on my profile) and came up with excuses not to send any through - saying they were unflattering and stuff. So finally, when I said "let's catch up" he said that he was too embarrassed too because he'd put on weight since his profile pictures. Blah, next. Not because of the weight, but becuase he was chicken sh*t.

Mr Dream Boat: I am so hooked on this guy right now and I have no idea how to get over it! This guy is not from RSVP, but "real life". Met at a ... work function. We work for the same company, but so do 500 other people, and I literally see him once a week. We just hit it off. We have so much in common. So, at this work function we both got drunk and managed to escape the crowds to have a fantastic snog session and line up another date. Which was similarly brilliant, I just loved talking to him and then we had ... well, fantastic sex. He is mega hot (buff) and tall, dark ... oh boy. It was worth the (several month) dry spell. We were definitely going somewhere, but last weekend I was mad busy hosting a ball and having a birthday so we didn't catch up.

Then on Wednesday I find out that he's finally moving departments ... yay for him, boo for me because it means we are now working somewhat together. While he still seemed keen on continuing ... I am just too old to have a relationship with someone I work with - on any level - and I do not want things to become uncomfortable for either of us. It's a great company, and I worked hard to get there - and so did he.

So boo to that. Obviously I am not "upset" because I was pretty instrumental in the decision-making process, and it's good for him. But I just feel like this is the second time (or what, fortieth) time the universe has thrown a great man my way who I can't be with. Bloody hell, I'm guessing there's a message in there for me ... I just wish I knew what the hell it was.

Diet of the cavewoman

I was spurred into action today by a post on a blog I love to read, saying that many other bloggers were AWOL or MIA. In the vain hope that someone's reading I thought I'd better get on and write an update on my cavewoman ways.

Well, it's been around six weeks on the caveman diet which is detailed in another post but essentially involves meat, chicken, fish, kangaroo, nuts, all-you-can-eat green veggies, and ... uh, water? I drink coffee too, and take some supplements (recommended to me by my trainer).

I get weighed every four weeks and - what's 1000 times worse - he uses callipers to measure my skinfold (or fatfold in my case!). Firstly, it's embarrassing and I have to lift up my top, readjust bra-straps and stuff like that ... urgh. Anyhoo, the GOOD news is that my body fat has dropped by something like seven percent in six weeks. Which I think is great, I've put on 2.9kg of lean muscle, and on the scales lost around 6kg. Frankly, figures have never bothered me - it's how I feel and how my clothes fit. And in both of those areas I'm giving a tentative thumbs up. Especially around my waist, where I've lost over 10cm. Which is GREAT as I had never had a problem with weight there until the last year or so.

My weights routine with the Caveman Trainer is pretty friggin' brutal. But I like that he holds nothing back and doesn't treat me like a girl ... or doesn't go easy on me because I'm a girl. He ignores my gender and sets me challenges that are based on my physical capabilities. He doesn't rant and rave and cheer me on, he is just to the point and tough. Like me ... a bit.

But then, he has a heart. Today I was NOT up to it, to be honest, but I dragged myself in to the gym because I NEEDED to do something and I'd already paid for the session. I've got a pretty yuck case of tonsillitis at the moment ... yesterday was the WORST day ever, I felt beyond horrendous - feverish, light-headed, weak, and swallowing was like razor-blades and ... god, I dunno, lemon juice combined. Heh, you know it's not a good sign when the doctor looks down your throat and grimaces. The back of my throat is ulcerated and swollen. I wasn't so bothered to see this (doctor insisted on getting a mirror so I could look), because once I knew why it was hurting so much I felt better. It's the whole "unknown" pain - you know it hurts, but not why.

Anyhoo, I got a shot of penicillin in the butt (oh fun) and a does of pretty hardcore antibiotics. I went home and slept for HOURS. Seriously, I slept more in one evening/night than I did in probably three nights on the weekend. I hit the couch at about 5pm and woke up at about 7pm from a deep sleep. Staggered around for a while before managing a shower and made up some clear soup, then managed to stay awake until about 9pm when it was back to bed for some more sleep. I took my doses of antibiotics and panadol in the middle of the night too, and woke up feeling at least 50 percent better. Still not back to max power, but I am definitely on the mend.

So there you go! I still struggle with the diet at times, but by and large I manage to avoid white carbs and stuff like that. I really miss fruit, but I can eat strawberries and blueberries in moderation so I make the most of that.

I am still recovering from an horrendous blender incident on Sunday morning. I was making myself a post-workout super protein shake pinched from a few different blogs I've seen. It has 3 scoops of protein powder, about 1/2 cup rice milk, some water, 2 cups of spinach, fibre supplement and handful of berries. Anyway, I whizzed it all up and then noticed it was leaking from under the blender and down the housing the jug sits in. This has happened once before ... when I didn't quite click the "plug" at the base of the jug in - the thing that holds the blades. Sooo, when I lifted the jug up, the plug stayed put and my lovely smoothie went EVERYWHERE. All over the bench, under other bench-top items such as toaster, kettle, teaspoon holder etc etc. Oh, and then it ran over the edge of the bench and onto my relatively clean and shiny running shoes. Now THAT was NOT what I needed at 9am on a Sunday ... on my BIRTHDAY.

Yes, that's right. I turned 32 on the weekend. Holy crapola. Which is part of the reason why I had such a BIG weekend with no sleep - I was keeping myself busy. At this time of year - much worse than Christmas - I tend to get a bit blue. I reflect on things too much and inevitably find myself a bit unhappy. Not this year, there were moments of feeling a bit glum - but there were NO TEARS and lots of fun and smiles. So, big high five on that one.

Oh, it did help that I did something VERY bad in hindsight but VERY, VERY good for self-esteem boosting and for improving my mood at the time. I kissed this majorly hot guy at work ... at the conclusion of a very boozy work function (that my department had hosted). Seriously, the guy is a SPUNK. I have been perving on him for mooonths. Naturally, he wouldn't look at me twice in the normal world. But, after a few drinks when "party Amanda" comes out and manages to lose her insecurities over talking to good looking men (who normal Amanda fancies), I seem to become quite the chatty companion and have been known to attract guys who are well out of my league (in my mind only, of course) normally.

I have since had a few "oh shiiiit" moments. But la la la, he is seriously hot and I would do it again in a second if given the chance. Nope, have NO idea if he has vaguely similar feelings about me and am not pushing the issue at this stage. Just happy to reminisce over what it was like to kiss him for, like, an HOUR.

Okay, that's my update. I am going to try to post more often. I am really hoping that all this training will soon start to bring some really serious results!

Caveman carb-cycling

I am on a five-day carb-cycling program. For five days I eat lean protein (steak, chicken, ham, fish, eggs) and green veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, rocket, salad) and sweet potato. Plus some nuts every morning. I take fish oil capsules with each meal and some other digestive support tablets.

BUT on the night of my fifth day ... I get to eat carbs! Oooh, it's heaven. I've only been through two cycles so far, and have stuck to some simple carbs with brown rice and banana ... oh, and a few squares of dark chocolate :) All are allowed too.

The idea is that the high carbs night restarts my metabolism. And thank GOD for carbs night. I keeps me sane. And gives me much needed energy.

After two weeks I have definitely noticed a difference. I would not say this is weight-loss, so much as getting back to normal. I haven't felt nearly as bloated or puffy, which I had been feeling all the time. On the scales it's about 3 to 4kg down, but I would say a lot of that is water-loss. I have, however, noticed my face has slimmed down a bit! Hurrah, because it was definitely getting a bit too round and moon-like.

People keep asking me about my goals. Is it bad that I don't have a set goal? I just want to lose body fat and get stronger. Weight goals have never worked for me because I am quite muscular, but I would definitely like to trim down by a good 10cm around my waist and I have some other measurements in mind too.

My other goal is to run FASTER. I'm four weeks away from my SEVENTH half marathon. Because I'm a mentor in the program, I am not running it for myself but instead in a support role so I won't be running it for a time. About a month after that race, though, there is another half which I am contemplating enterting. It may be a little soon, but I am really seriously considering it!

I eat steak for breakfast

Yes, unfortunately it's true.

This morning I jumped ... okay, groaned out of bed at 6.10am and wandered into the kitchen. For the first time in my life I was going to eat steak before midday. Hell, before coffee. A plain steak with a handful of almonds. No sauce, seasoning or anything.

I chose a 200g porterhouse, which starts me off with around 50g of protein, plus some extra from the nuts. Bam! I hammered it out a bit with a meat tenderiser, because I wanted it to cook faster and be easier to eat. A light splash of olive oil, about three minutes on each side and I was eating breakfast. Mmm.

You know ... it was interesting. It didn't taste bad, of course, it was just my mind telling me "this isn't breakfast! This is wrong". I slowed down towards the end as I could feel it starting to settle in my stomach. Over three hours later I am feeling the effects of a) carb starvation and b) having a full stomach of food = headache! And finding it hard to concentrate.

But, this is what I'm doing for a little while. I am not looking at the big picture, or medium picture, I am simply taking things one day and even moreso, one meal at a time.

Coming up at about 11am I have some ham and two eggs to grapple with. Oh boy, am I excited! Oh, and some spinach too.

Like anything, when you make changes it takes your body a while to adapt, which is why I am locking myself in for a month of super-strict behaviour. If I see results, even small ones, I will stick with it. Even if I just start to feel better and brighter/lighter that will make it worthwhile. Could not imagine running in this state though, so I hope my body starts to burn through this stuff soon!

I have a headache

So I am on day two of changing my diet from a carb-breakfast of porridge to no beige carbs and much higher protein. I haven't received my full report and plan from my new trainer, but I am trying to start slowly changing things as I realise I have a lot to change and so I am trying the "change one thing every day" approach. Right now I am trying to get used to not having porridge for breakfast and instead am having protein. The first day - due to what was in the fridge - I had two eggs scrambled with no milk added (a bit of water to thin them out) and ... a kangaroo sausage. The eggs were okay, but the sausage was NOT and I am never buying them again. I like kangaroo, but only in steak form.

This morning I had the same - two eggs and some sliced ham, with some avocado for good fats. I am finding this soooo hard to eat, because I am not used to eating this sort of food so early in the day. It's just so unappetising and against my routine of the past, oh, 31 years!

I am determined to stick to it (although tomorrow ahead of the City2Surf I am having porridge!), but it's seriously giving me a headache. I've looked it up and it seems that one potential reason is that protein takes longer to digest than carbs like oats, and apparently undigested food is a trigger for headaches? Probably a little bit of sugar withdrawal too as I am cutting it out all together. Slowly anyway. On Friday I ate a strawberry, and today I ate some fruit salad at brunch with a friend. It was seriously the best option as there was NO WAY I was eating eggs again.

I find this diet a little confusing. No dairy, no fruit, no carbs from things like pasta, rice or noodles. I mean, fruit is good for you. Sure, you need to eat it in moderation due to the high sugar content, but what about all the great nutrients and minerals (and fibre) you get from them? Plus, no dairy? Hello, osteoperosis! I am going to ask my trainer about some of this on Tuesday because I'm a little concerned.

ZERO energy today, although I was running around quite a bit driving from one side of the bloody city to the other. Very tiring! Picked up a case of wine that's been waiting for me for a while, wish I could drink it all tonight ... but don't think that would be great race prep. Instead will have a light dinner with some fish and veggies and a nice early night.

Friends have been asking me what my goals are, because they can't see why I want to change anything. Heh, of course they're my friends and they have to say this, but they also remember a time a few years ago when I would've done anything to be at the weight I am now.

For now, I have no specific goals other than to lose body fat, tone up and improve my nutrition knowledge. Right now I have a diet and exercise regime that clearly isn't working for me, and if I'm going to work this hard - I want some bloody results. I'm sure my trainer will help me come up with these. I am determined to stay healthy and not get carried away with this though!

I did realise that in my period of extreme weight loss/skinny-ness I was probably starving myself. I really wasn't eating enough ... my diet was something like: 1/2 cup of muesli or 2 weetbix with milk, maybe an apple for morning tea, a coffee w skim milk, salad for lunch - maybe with protein, sometimes a bread roll, and for dinner I'd have a tiny piece of meat and some veggies. And honestly, I remember some nights after big runs when I would skip dinner and eat a cucumber or something. Especially if you consider that then I'd run about 35km a week and do something like nine to 11 gym classes (four on the weekends and seven during the week) that just wasn't enough food. I remember everything being vveery slim - I had no boobs (for the first time in my life and - honestly - I loved it), and no hips. I'm sorry, but I LIKED it because I'd always had round curves and it was so good to be so trim. But now I do realise I got there in an incredibly unhealthy way and I'm lucky that I caught Ross River Fever when I did as it forced me to slow down and start eating properly and take care of my liver a bit better.

So, onwards and downwards ... and upwards! I can't wait for my energy levels to pick up again. I have no idea how I'm going to run tomorrow ... hah, slowly I imagine!