Tired, sore, frustrated, confused and upset!

Okay, WTF! I've had the best and worst of things today. First, the best! We did our 11km city run - one loop of the two-loop track for the half-marathon in TWO WEEKS. It was pretty easy for a hill runner like me and I got the 11km done in 60.23min, I was aiming for an hour but I reckon I can say the 23 seconds (plus MORE) was spent at traffic lights. HATE running in the city for this reason, thankfully on race day we'll get to run in the middle of the road as the streets are closed. Anyway, I felt FANTASTIC ... I started off frozen to the bone, so cold my feet were numb and it took at least 10mins before I felt even remotely warm and 20 before I started to sweat. I just had such great energy in my legs and mentally I felt great, only low point was when I realised I REALLY needed to go to the loo. Hate stopping for a loo break as I always find it so hard to get my pants back on if I'm sweating a bit, so I decided to ignore it for a while and - yay - the feeling went away.

So that was all good. Now, here's the bad. I drove 30mins to my friend, B's, place which she had just moved into today. B is the one who has left me frustrated, confused and upset. Why? Well, I'm still so upset that it's hard for me to articulate it ... but I will describe some of her actions, simply because I NEED to get this stuff off my chest. First of all, she doesn't ask me how I am or about my life for the entire three hours I'm with her. Not even "oh, and how are you?". No, it was all talking about her "boyfriend" or rather, supposed boyfriend. They dated for, like, three weeks before she got sick of his inaction and started ignoring him ... at which point they had some bizarre phone conversation during which they decided they were more than friends and more than just dating, they were "serious" and "exclusive". All this without so much as a hug! Weird eh? Anyway, he's - strangely enough - gone weird (although frankly, he was already weird) and so I listened and made supportive noises. Although I do believe that she is genuinely hurt that he's treated her with such indifference, and I do know how much that hurts.

I helped her put her bed together, make the bed, put her Ikea wardrobe together (which was extremely heavy and frustrating work, friggin' allen keys can BITE me) and then drove her to a nearby pub - which I LOVE - for lunch. This is where it allll goes pear-shaped. Okay, so my body is sore. In the last seven days I've run 18km+7km+5km time trial+11km, done Bikram, done to Pump classes and done a 1hr20min cardio session of my own making at the gym. I know it's my own doing and I've chosen to do it, but that does not mean that when I sit down in a rather low chair at the pub I'm not permitted to say "ouuuuch" when my hammies, gluts and quads scream in protest. I wasn't asking for sympathy or comment, I just couldn't help it! To this she rolls her eyes and says "you've got no-one to blame but yourself", adding that she doesn't understand why I want to do a half-marathon because "it's so boooooooring" - more eye rolls.

Fine, whatever. I realise that running isn't for everyone. And frankly, I really only do it because for me it is my ultimate challenge ... as a fat kid and fat teen I hated running because I couldn't do it well/fast and people teased me when I did it. These days ... I am still don't run especially well and definitely not fast, but I constantly challenge myself because it makes me stronger - physically and mentally, and I feel like somehow I am replacing bad childhood/teen memories about running with GOOD ones like crossing the finish line for the half-mara and making new friends, friends and family telling me how proud they are of me etc.

So yeah, frankly she doesn't have to think MY running a half-marathon is interesting or exciting, but as one of my good friends should she not at least be mildly supportive? Or - if she really feels so strongly about it - say nothing? Grr, strike one.

Then, we start talking about her new flatmate, Fireman Nick. He sounds so lovely and I feel a bit sorry for him with her moving in, because I don't think he knows what he's got himself in for (they met on Flatmate Finders - total strangers). Anyway, she tells me that she thinks he's the male equivalent of me because there are "running magazines, health food, vitamins and shit lying around". Um, yeah ... I don't take vitamins because I eat a fabulously healthy diet (minus the chips I had at lunch ... but I was upset), and frankly it's MY house. She stayed with me for four days last year when she had NOWHERE else to go and never said so much as thank you or offered to pay for any groceries etc, and helped herself to my stuff including my clothes! Anyway, that's how she knows about my running mags etc because SINCE then she has only come back to use my internet when she didn't pay her bill.

Okay, so thinly veiled attack on running and stuff again. I ask her about Fireman Nick, and it turns out he's single etc etc and I was like (kinda joking) "Hellooooo Nick". To which she tells me that he would never go for me because I'm too "stuck up". Um. Okay. This is my FRIEND telling me this. WTF? I was like "do you think I'm stuck up" and she back-pedals wildly saying noooo, but I think you give that impression. Umm, told her that was no better and to explain. So yeah, when I meet new people I tend to be a bit quiet because I'm shy and not 100% confident in myself. I was unhappy and overweight for a long time, and although I've now lost weight and feel a lot happier (except today) I still have my "fat girl" insecurities, especially in foreign crowds of people. So this is apparently where I come off as "stuck up", because I keep to myself.

Anyway, I having said that it doesn't take me long to warm up ... not long at all, especially if I can get talking with someone and find something in common with them. Know what I mean? Oh god, anyway ... it REALLY hurt my feelings. I am from a very modest family and I really do believe that I give everyone an equal chance ... SHE is the judgemental one because she thinks $$ is everything because she's from a multi-million dollar family and earns over $100,000. I could do her job ... but I choose not to because I like having a life and time to DO stuff. ARGH.

I asked her to explain, further, what she meant. So she changes her story and tells me no, I am not stuck up, I am fussy/picky. Uhhh, what do you mean - I asked her. And she ... I cannot believe this ... she attacked my other friends, the friends who I am closer to than her! I am not kidding. My two BEST friends, from high school, A and G. She says that THEY are clearly not picky because of some of their bad choices with men. A particularly. And yeah, A has made some very ... unwise decisions on men, sometimes with disastrous results ... but it was simply because she gives everyone a chance to prove themselves, and sometimes it just hasn't worked out. G stayed in a not-so-good relationship for seven years ... probably three years too long, and it's taken her a while to get over. But my supposed FRIEND says "look at her! She's so selective she'll never find someone until she's 45 and desperate". WTF! Again I say, WTF.

She then picks on a friend who I was recently bridesmaid for, a friend from uni and high school who has stuck by me through a LOT of sh*t and bad times and helped me when I was at my lowest. I love her dearly, but genetics or whatever have not been kind to her ... her features are a bad mix, you know? Big nose, eyes too close together, terrible skin which she does NOT help by picking at it etc. Anyhoo, she says "you know, maybe the reason she's married and you're not is because she's not picky". Oh. My. God. Seriously, I am not picky ... I haven't rejected anyone for their job, there has been no-one around TO reject for anything! Oh, except that knob married guy BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED.

I was SO hurting inside, I just said - in a very quiet and controlled voice - that she had just criticised three of my best friends who she knew nothing about and who each meant a LOT to me.

Oh god, there was other stuff too ... I just can't talk about it. We both went VERY quiet, and I drove her to the local supermarket so she could buy some food and then home again. She said NOTHING. Not even thank you.

Now I am soooo hurt and upset (and frustrated). I WISH I had just told her to shut up and gone off at her, but we were in public and ... dammit, I am too polite. Polite might not be the right word ... but I just didn't want to cause a scene etc. Well, enough! I am giving myself this week to cool off, and she is going away from Thurs - Tues, and then I am going to organise to see her and I will explain to her how much she has hurt me and ... see what she has to say. I do not want to let the friendship go ... she helped me and was my support team when I first started to lose weight, and it meant and still means a lot to me. I feel bad for her because she has put on quite a lot of weight and now I am much smaller than her, the tables have turned etc. I don't know or understand how she's feeling ... but to her image is everything, so for me to be slimmer/fitter etc than her ... it's clearly bothering her!

Ahhhh sh*t, I just want to go to bed. And you know what ... it may only be 8.50pm but I'm tired, sore, frustrated, confused AND upset, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions ... so I'm going to bed!

Happy Days!

Hurrah! We had our last time trial before the half-mara last night. My aim was to get under 27.43 and I SMASHED it ... 26.25! Whoo hoo. I must thank the guy who paced off me from the 3km mark and then MAJORLY peed me off when he attempted to overtake me on the last lap (we were running on a 500m track). Seriously! You're not gonna use me as your "pace car" only to run past me at the final post. Nah Uh! So we practically had a sprint finish ... and I won!!!! Yeaaaaah!

It was just as much a mental challenge as a physical one. The first 2km I found REALLY tough because my head was just saying "can't do this" and "don't want to do this" and similar. I just tried to ignore my brain and concentrate on getting my body into a good rhythm and pace, and soon after the 2km mark I felt much better physically and mentally, managing to get my brain into thinking "yes, I can do this". I heard this guy pick up his pace to follow me (3km mark) and I was still feeling positive until the lap he started trying to overtake me. Seriously, there was something in me that just wanted to give up, slow down and let him overtake me - rather than push 110% and still lose to him. BUT I managed to kick myself in the head and get "mad" almost, thinking "you douchebag, you're not gonna follow me and then beat me!" etc, and instead of thinking "I can't do this" I was thinking "YES, you can, YESSSS, you can". And when I did and could, it was just an amazing feeling. Turned around to my follower and thanked him for the "push", he laughed and said it had nearly killed him. Ha ha. Ahhh, I know it's a small and petty victory, but I did it on my own two feet without any help.

Another reason for happy days, days OFF. Have five in a row. Just plan on doing NOTHING but catch up on sleep, switch over my wardrobe from summer to winter (boo hoo, it's time - I've finally put the heater on), read some books and catch up with friends.

After my recent dating DISASTER I feel like I'm ready to get back into the dating world. Will give myself until after the half-mara - when my commitments will ease off a bit - and then try some RSVP action! Why the hell not? The worst that can happen is I have a few bad dates?? So long as you play it safe - public places, short dates, and tell people where you're going.

Anyhoo, that's my life for the moment.

Hurting

Did Bikram class yesterday afternoon for the first time in about three weeks - since the running fall that saw me bloody my hands up and bash my knee/shoulder. I pushed it HARD, I was SO happy to be back ... and now everything hurts. I WAS going to go to the gym after work ... but I really do not think I have anything to give. I am going to skip it tonight and have a good dinner and early night, then do Pump in the morning plus some extra cardio. Have running tomorrow night, 5km time trial, MUST shave some seconds off the last time ... but considering it was pissing with rain and I took the first KM out VERY slowly (ie: 40secs slower than the rest) I think I will be alright.

So yeah, everything is hurting from my neck to my ankles. But it's a good hurt and it will get better.

18km and ANZAC Day

Every year I pledge to go to a dawn service somewhere for ANZAC Day, and every year I am thwarted! Last year I had to work, this year I had to run 18km ... well, I chose to rather. It was a fantastic run. I felt great up until I would say the last 2km when I died in the arse a bit. Although to be honest it had more to do with mental rather than physical issues, my mind was full of negative thoughts (about myself and my abilities). Oh well, three weeks to the race.

We had two extremely emotional and moving speeches before our run. One was from a lady who has battled with breast cancer for 18 years, since she was 27, and survived. She's in remission if you can believe it. Dear god though, there were some almighty stuff-ups on the part of her medical team! Note to self - find a good doctor and stick with them. This lady is the reason I am running with CanToo and raising money for cancer research, it not only raises money for research but it raises awareness. Check yourself, know your body etc etc.

The second speech was even MORE upsetting, from a good friend of mine S. She is the light of my life ... well, one of them, but she really is a ray of sunshine. She's supportive, friendly, warm, considerate and lots more of those things. I knew she suffered from bi-polar disorder, but on Saturday she told us how before CanToo she had spent months in hospital because she 'didn't want to here anymore'. Dear god, it tore my heart out to think that this bubbly girl who loves life might never have come into my life or found her way out of the darkness. It was one of those times I wished I could find just the right words to convey to her everything that was going on in my head - I care about you, you are special in this world, I am here for you etc etc. Instead I just gave her a big hug and shed a few tears with her! Hee hee.

Anyhoo, enough of the soppy stuff. After the run I raced home to get races ready! Had three dresses picked out, with matching fascinators and shoes. Gah! I could not decide, so quickly texted a friend who gave me v. good advice and I was set ... well, it still took me a
good hour to get myself sorted. My limbs had stopped responding as they normally do, body was HATING me after the run. Especially the knees.

The rest of the day was relatively standard - struggling with Sydney public transport, crowds, trying to get an over-priced glass of champagne, watching horses fly past ... watching people play two-up, laughing at guys in uniform misbehaving. Think wearing heels for 10 hours did more damage than the run though, the next day my feet were THROBBING. And I think I had about 10 glasses of champagne all night ... and one beer. Hah, oopsy. Oh well, ANZAC Day is (thankfully for my liver/kidneys) but once a year, so you have to put in a good effort.

Now I'm on the serious three-week super clean/angelic living challenge for the half-mara. I know I can run the distance, I can go under two-hours too, not sure for 1hr55min, but there's always September. Just want to keep running and not go up on the scales. Recent behaviour (PMSing) has seen some naughty toast AND even a chocolate bar creep in!! V. naughty.

God, I need sleep

Could not for the life of me sleep last night ... so many thoughts going through my head. So tired today and feeling utterly vile ... none of my clothes fit right (too big), but trying not to spend any $$$ on them for a little while. Weather has turned to weird in between seasons, and nothing seems suitable. Oh, and just feel disgusting! Saw all these pics of myself at a friend's wedding and just thought I looked dreadful, but everyone was telling me I looked great ... and know I have lost weight, so what's going on???

Have put it down to hormones and being really tired ... will reassess in the morning! Oh, before the 18km run we're doing. Whoo hoo, got my timing chip and bib for the half-marathon in May ... guess I'm really doing it now eh! Can't wait. Just hope I can make it. Goals are 1) to run all the way; 2) to finish in under 2 hours; 3) to finish in around 1hr 55min. Would ideally like to achieve them all ... but have to be realistic. We shall see!

Ahhh, eight hours sleep be MINE.

Super hard running

I am suffering soooo badly from my antics yesterday. Did 45min lunchtime Pump. Fooooool. I had running training in the evening, counting down four weeks to the half-mara. The session was literally harder than any I've done ... in terms of running. It was 24 laps of an AFL oval/field (apparently about 440m), alternating between a lap jogging for 100m, sprinting for 100m, jogging for 100m, sprinting for 100m followed by one lap jogging at medium pace. Our aim was to finish each one in the same time as the last. OMFG. This was AFTER a four lap warm up and then at least 30 mins of intense core work, including a 3minute plank challenge (which I killed, Booyah!)

Didn't finish until 9pm (started 7pm). Last night everything hurt ... everything! Quads and hamstrings particularly. Had two scrambled eggs and one piece of Burgen toast for dinner, was literally all I could manage before falling into the shower and slumping in bed. Wore my Skins, which are supposed to stimulate blood flow and recovery or something. Wasn't TOO sore this morning, but my neck is a bit stiff (I felt myself tensing up in the last few laps) and my right Achilles is twinging every now and then. Rest day today, and tomorrow will do arvo Bikram. Saturday's run is 18km. Yikes. Hope I recover for it.

Have decided no more Pump on Wednesdays, it's too hard to back up for running. And it's only for a few more weeks. Eeek! I cannot believe how quick the year is going, and how quick the race is coming up. Saturday I'm going to finally spend my Rebel sport voucher my friends gave me for my b'day last year, going to pick some race day pants and get some more Thorlos - the best socks EVER for a sweat hog like me.

Not much other news ... except I am still knackered today and have been soooo hungry. But have managed to survive with some extra fruit and cups of tea. Last night's session was a great fat burner, so looking forward to some results please.

What to do??

I am so annoyed with myself and things in general right now. I am not complaining, as such, about this ... but two nights ago I tried on this gorgeous David Lawrence silk dress I'd bought, about two months ago, thinking I'd wear it to the races on Anzac Day and ... it's too big! OMFG. I can never trust the scale at home as it's pretty dodgy, but I reckon I've dropped and kept off a good 5kg. Now I have a dress, that I love, that looks awful as it no longer sits nicely and just looks wrong!

If that were the end of it I would be fine, but similar story with a pair of jeans I bought about a month ago, and now I'm pulling some of my winter stuff from last year out and finding most of it is too big! To the point where I decided to wear one of the skirts yesterday, only to discover it was making a bid for the floor by lunchtime - sitting on my hips instead of my waist. ARGH.

I hate shopping, there are so many other things I'd rather do, but now I NEED to go shopping. I literally do not have clothes to wear once the weather gets colder.

Some of it will sell on ebay, but that David Lawrence dress ... I don't know, I love it too much! Booooo.

I remember when I was first losing weight I refused to buy new clothes for months and months, wanting to wait until I was "finished" ... now I feel like I need to do similar. Although will never be finished. Too many half-maras to train for this year. Have less than a month between the SMH half-mara and training begins for the Blackmores half! God help my legs.

In other news, hands are recovering nicely from my stack on Saturday. Knee is still spectacularly bruised, and I have bruises on my hands! The heels of my hands! Quite impressive, and explains why it hurt so much to do push ups at the gym on Monday - ended up having to do them on my fists. Which is quite an interesting experience.