Karma ... a classic tale

Trawling back to the beginning of 2013, I was a bit of a miserable mess ... having just had a guy do the most bizarre backflip/back-pedal I've seen for quite a while. One minute talking about weekends away, holidays, and "really, really liking me", to radio silence. Complete radio silence. I very kind and considerate way of communicating to someone, who you supposedly "really, really like", that you're no longer interested.

After a few days of moping around and feeling generally miserable, I decided to snap out of it ... realising that his treatment of me was not acceptable, and that I didn't want to BE with someone who thought the silent treatment was ever okay for more than a day or two. It's so disrespectful to the other person and shows a complete disregard for their feelings.

What was equally bizarre was how he suddenly drifted back into communication, sending me random messages asking me how I was, what I was up to etc. By and large, I ignored these ... but I found it hard to ignore them all, as I always want to be the bigger person in these situations. I wanted to show him I was fine (which I am) and that I've got not hard feelings, which really - I don't. I'm disappointed, but relieved it didn't drag on for another three months.

Then, last Thursday, karma rewarded me. End to end, our story now looks a little something like this:

So, I'll give you a quick narrative. The idiot is on the left, the universe on the right. The universe sees fit to let him meet me, and give him my heart, he breaks it (on purpose). So the universe, kinda p*ssed off now, repays him.

The idiot messaged me last week, initially just asking "how is everything going". When I replied (GREAT, how about you?) ... the IDIOT tells me he's lost his job. Considering how stressed he was for money at the end of 2012 ... I know this is a big deal. I replied with a simple "sorry to hear that, but I'm sure you'll find something else soon". He replies with "yeah, I really hope so".

So I want to thank the universe for proving to me that karma DOES exist, and showing me how it repaid the idiot for the way he treated me. Of course, I feel bad for him and I hope he will be okay ... but, I feel vindicated :)

I am the water-drinking bird

You know what I'm talking about, those toys which use (I think) some form of capillary action/gravity/evaporation ... look, I don't know what it is that makes them work, but this is what I mean.

That's how I feel at the moment - completely up and down. One day I will be up, and feel positive about the future and ready to move on from undeserving men who treat people like s*** and never look back. I feel positive about health, fitness etc.

But the next day I'm down, I am questioning why I keep choosing the wrong men, who treat people like s*** and can do this without a second-thought to the other person's emotions.

Then I'm back up, thinking "who cares, let's live life", then down again wondering what went so wrong and what I did that made him go from wanting to plan weekends away and doing lovely thoughtful things, to complete indifference/disinterest.

 Today I am somewhere in between the two, but mostly tired because I lay in bed until way too late last night with my mind buzzing through so many questions about why the previously mentioned s*** keeps happening to me. In all of this s***, I am the common denominator. How and why do I keep finding these guys? Who don't even show me basic good manners by letting me know they don't want to see me again, they just stop returning calls/texts and hope I'll get the hint. WHY? It's such an a**hole thing to do, and shows so little consideration or regard for the other person. How could you do it?

If it was after a few dates, I would not be worrying about this. But in the last year, two guys who were on the precipice of becoming "someone special" - after three months of dating - just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know they're both still alive, so death is not the excuse, and neither are in a coma - the only other acceptable excuse.

I am really trying not to focus on this though, but I really wish I knew what it is about me that guys don't even think I'm worth the 30 seconds it might take to send a text message saying: "I'm sorry, I don't want to see you anymore". Or something. I'm trying reaaaally hard, also, not to make it about the size of my thighs/bum etc, but the thought keeps going through my mind "nobody would treat someone hot/thin like this". Then again, I'm sure they do. *sigh* I really need to force myself to stop thinking about this, I probably need some closure ... but I'm never going to get it from the last idiot manchild, so I must get it for myself. I keep telling myself that it's a GOOD thing, what has happened, because clearly I would never want to be with someone who treats people as he's treated me ... but for some reason, it's just not getting through.

What are the magic words I need to say to make everything feel okay again? I really wish I knew.

Bouncing Back

The title of this post is somewhat misleading ... but I can't think of a word to describe somewhat bouncing back, or heading in the right direction TO bounce back. Any ideas on that one?

I must thank the universe for my wonderful, wonderful friends. I am generally the strong, supportive type and rarely am I the one calling others for a shoulder to cry on, and ask for reassurance. For the first time in a veeery long time, I reached out and asked for help. Not because I was hurting, I've been hurt before and that I can handle by myself, but because I was so confused. How can something change so completely in three days?

We thrashed it out, went through possible situations, reasons, scenarios, issues, and basically talked ad nauseam about this guy and what could be going through his mind. All we could really determine was that there was something going on, and we would never know what. After much debate, it was agreed that I needed to give him a lifeline - to reach out to him in case he was going through something and didn't know how to either ask for help, or tell me what was going on and explain why he needed space. Was he thinking he'd left it too long to contact me, was he wanting to contact me but thought I didn't want to hear from him? These were some of the issues that were raised that might be preventing him from reaching out. Some friends recounted how they had been through similar things, where at the exact wrong time they'd gone through "something" and left it too long to contact someone who they wanted to. Then, the fear of rejection/anger stopped them from contacting that person - but they always wished that person would contact them.

Based on this thinking, we agreed a lifeline, in the form of a friendly, short and open message, would be delivered in the form of a friendly, inviting text message. It was sent. And replied to. But the reply was so "ridiculous" (as described by two friends separately) that we agreed that things were done and dusted and I should not spend another minute worrying about it.

The first 24-hours were tough, but fortunately I was too tired and sore (first 10km run in three months or so) to really care too much. My friends were worried about leaving me alone with my thoughts, so insisted on taking me out to dinner one night, and then I took myself off to the movies with some friends another night ... three-hours of 'The Hobbit' was a good way to spend an evening during Sydney's spell of hot weather. But really, I'd already been through the terribly hurt phase ... I was already healing.

I've had lots of great and motivating comments and support from friends but, as always, until I got the following point of view into my head I still had the urge to try to contact him to get - if nothing else - a definitive explanation and that ever-elusive closure.

Here's what I'm now thinking. To cut contact with someone and give no form of explanation, no matter the circumstances, is a selfish thing to do. Unless you have breathed your last breath or are in a coma - there is simply no excuse.

When you break it off with someone and you know they're not expecting it - you know you will hurt their feelings and it will be an awkward situation, ignoring the possibility that they go apeshit on you and tell you what a jerk/bitch you are. It's a given there will be hurt feelings and awkward/uncomfortable moments for both parties. By simply ignoring someone, you are being - aside from a range of other adjectives - incredibly selfish and self-indulgent.

Why?

Because you are only thinking of yourself. Not only are you selfish, but you're potentially stupid. If you rationalise your behaviour somewhere along the lines of "the truth would hurt them more" - you clearly haven't thought this one through.  By simply dropping contact with someone and leaving them to "get the hint" you don't want to see them again - you are still hurting them, but this way you don't risk hurting yourself or putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. They would be hurt no matter how you do it, so why not share in some of the negative feelings? You're the cause of them, so partake in the aftermath.

I am by no means perfect, and I have freely admitted that in the past I have after one or two dates dropped contact with someone because I was not interested. In some cases this has been because they're potential lunatics, but mostly because we both knew there was nothing to pursue. If any of these guys, however, continued trying to contact me - I would then let them know that I wasn't interested.

I have always been up-front, straight-forward and honest with ending something with someone I'm seeing seriously. It's incredibly awkward, you know they will invariably disappointed, upset, angry, confused etc. Even if I don't like them as a person in "that" way, I care about them as a person - a fellow human being- even if I don't want to be involved with them.

Sooo, where am I going with this? Hopefully I've gotten close to explaining why I think ignoring someone, rather than telling them straight out that you don't want to see them, is a bad and nasty thing to do. Yes? You know it will hurt them to ignore them, but you do it anyway to avoid hurting yourself by telling them straight or, at the very least, being in an awkward situation. Selfish. [Seriously though, how hard is it to send a text saying "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me. I don't want to continue things, but I wish you all the best in the future"]

Here is where I'm going and why I'm heading towards bouncing back ... I don't want to be with that sort of selfish and cruel person. So now, I am relieved at the turn of circumstances. I've dodged a bullet! And it happened before I got "too" involved. Or relocated (it was on the cards). Phew!

I still have moments where I feel a bit low, and wonder whether I did something wrong, or whether my bum too big, or is the reason he could treat me like this is because he had no respect for me, or didn't want to make the effort because I'm not worth it, etc etc, but I am refusing to go there. That's just bs.

So, moving on and bouncing back. It's been great to vent all my thoughts and feelings here, and it's been so heart-warming to see all my friends rally around me to make sure I'm okay and cheer me up, so they are two more positives I've gotten out of this. I feel very lucky and looking forward to a great 2013.

Hurt. Bad.

Warning: pathetic, self-serving, self-pity and pathetic rant ahead. But I am hurting so badly right now I feel sick.

It's the "guy" ... or the guy who was the guy, and is now seemingly no longer the guy. And if he IS still the guy, in his mind, I don't think I want him to be the guy.

The chronological sequence of events that have led to this moment...

Two weeks ago (pre-christmas): drove 2 hours to visit "the guy", taking with me a Christmas ham which was given to me as a work gift but that I had no chance of eating, and a Christmas present for his daughter (non-expensive, but she loves it). Despite me making the effort to see him, I make us both dinner ... and then have to get up at 5.30am the next morning to drive back to Sydney in time for work.

One week ago: Leave my family who I spend precious little time with two days after Christmas to drive from the south coast to north coast to spend time with him. Present him with a Christmas present, which renders him embarrassed because he didn't buy me anything. After three months ... hmm. His reasoning for not buying me a present is that he couldn't think of anything. I really didn't need a present, I have everything I want/need. It hurt because I spent hours thinking about what to get him, what he needed and what he would like. Called two people and then stressed about whether he'd like it or not. Naturally, because I'd put serious thought behind it, he loved it.

Also after driving foreeeever to see him, he has made zero effort to do something nice for me. No dinner planned, no food in the house, no nice bottle of wine chilling ... nothing. The bed doesn't even has sheets on them because he stripped it and can't be arsed to re-make it.

The next day is nice, we spent time with his daughter (who loves me) and take her to the beach. But then, on the only night we have together, all he wants to do is sit on his arse and watch TV ... after we agreed to go out to dinner.

On the third day he has to go to work, but I caught up with friends who were holidaying nearby ... and then rush back to go to the supermarket and cook him a lovely dinner. The next morning, he has to leave early, but I stay later and make him a fresh salad for dinner with a cute note on it.

All that, is fine. But ... he was supposed to work on New Year's Eve, which is the reason why he can't spend it with me. Then he cancels work that morning, deciding he doesn't feel well ... so still can't spend the night with me. We talk and he tells me he'll call me before midnight. He doesn't. It turns out, even though he's not well enough to work, or spend the night with me, he can go for a midnight scuba dive with friends.

I don't hear from him until the next day, when I text him. When I do call him, he sounds like he'd rather be getting teeth pulled than talk to me ... I say as much, and he responds with "yeah, I'm just tired". I say "okay, well I'll let you go and you can talk to me another time when you're not tired". He sends me a text saying "I'm sorry", and I reply with "that's fine, let's talk tomorrow when we're both feeling better", he asks me if I'm okay, and I say I'm fine, but upset he didn't call me on NYE, as he said he would, and didn't call on New Year's Day to make up for it.

No reply. And fast forward to now, two days later, not only do I have no reply ... but he is also ignoring my calls (2) and texts (2). So, what is going on here? He knows I'm upset, and he knows why, I don't think I'm overreacting, I'm not the hysterical type. I was just being open with how I felt, without being too full on. Being ignored, for me, is just the worst. Treat me with love, hate, respect, dislike or whatever ... but don't treat me with indifference.

This is more just a dump of my thoughts/feelings ... I just need to get it out. But really wish I knew what to do now ...

Time to refocus

This morning I did a hill sprint session with my personal trainer. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, or fun, but I was expecting to be able to do it. It was perhaps a little ambitious trying to do it the day after I did a pump class, and put extra weight on the bar for most tracks. But whatever, it was still hard and I hated the feeling of knowing I could not push myself any further. It does sound odd, I know, but when I trained for the marathon I felt like there was no limit to my fitness, I could push myself to the edge, and then push myself some more and after a 30 second break I'd be fine. I don't want to do a marathon again, but I want to get back to that feeling of fitness. Anyhoo, that was wake-up call number one. It was loud enough. Wake up call number two came when I got on the scales and was the heaviest I've been for six years. I will give myself a kilo here and there for the fact I was a bit bloated, but still ... it's time to cut this sh*t out. Previously, this may have sent me into a tailspin of freaking out and hiding from people for a few weeks, eating salad and protein, and exercising like a demon. That, however, won't work this time. Because on that course, exhaustion is the end-point and I do not need to do that to myself. Instead, I need a slow and steady plan of attack. I need something that I can fit in around work, without having to kill myself to arrive on time (that's achievable), boost my incidental exercise (walk home most days), sleep more, and eat better. It's not great timing for all of the above ... but I can start making small changes. If I charge head-on into a whole new plan, I will immediately run into obstacles. But if I try to do one new thing every week, or one thing differently, it will start to make a difference. My plan: Saturday: Walk to work to collect my car (work Christmas party tonight, and I'm leaving it here) Sunday: Boot camp Monday: Morning run/PM pump Tuesday: Body Balance AM/Christmas shopping PM (this must count for something) Wednesday: morning run Thursday: Boxing Friday: Personal Training This is achievable, the running in the morning is the hardest bit if I'm not getting myself to bed at a decent hour. I must make myself get in bed ... and go to sleep, not read until 11.45pm and suddenly realise I have to wake up in six hours. I am going to record my meals for a week, honestly, and see if I can get my calories in deficit. That is the goal and it's achievable. And if I go over, so be it, I won't beat myself up ... just move on.

First blog post in forever

It's been ages since I sat down and wrote a blog, but right now I feel like there's just so much "stuff" building up on top of me and I need to vent and let it out before I explode. Or cry at work. In no real order of importance, these are some of the things bothering me at the moment which I do not know how to handle aside from trying to carry on. 1) Frenemies. A very good friend of mine, who has been my support and someone I could talk to about everything and anything, has over the past few months turned "frenemy". I won't go into implicit details, but she ticks a number of the boxes outlined here: http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/relationships/relationship-advice/2012/12/friend-or-faux-signs-of-a-frenemy/ I know she is dealing with her own sh*t, but I feel so betrayed. And hurt. I sometimes find it very hard to trust people, and this is f*cking why. I put my trust in someone, and tell them things that I would generally keep to myself, and they repay me by cutting me down in public, making negative/backhanded compliments and then passing them off as "helpful advice" when pulled up on them, and the final straw - talking about me behind my back to mutual friends. I'm not the dramatic type, so there will be no grand showdown, instead that friendship will slowly come to an end. Which I'm sad about, but I am quite hard enough on myself without having so-called friends join in. 2) My career and "the future". Having been made redundant twice in the last three years, I have come to truly appreciate job security. The constant feeling that things could go arse up and I could be, once again, looking for a new job is extremely draining. The second time I was made redundant, I made an incredibly bad job decision by taking on a role (and staying for 18 months) that involved unrelenting pressure, stress, and unprofessional behaviour both from within my own company and my client. It pushed me into a hole of fatigue and sickness, and a very, very bad headspace. I never want to be there again. My current role is much more lifestyle-friendly, but I have concerns about the stability of the company. More than that, however, is the future. Do I want to be doing this forever? What do I want to be doing forever. I have been thinking about doing a Dip Ed and becoming a high school teacher and/or TAFE teacher ... but there seems to be no security in this profession either. I really need to take some time to think about where I truly want to be in five or 10 years time, because right now all I can manage is "employed" and hopefully earning more than I am now. 3) My health. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope ... in fact, scratch that, I AM on a slippery slope. I started smoking again, socially, but it's gradually becoming an every day occurrence. I do NOT want to be here. Even as I type that, though, a voice inside says "f*ck off, yes you do". I am not enjoying the side-effects of smoking, of course, but I am enjoying the fact it gives me some momentary relief. From what, I am not sure, but when I'm smoking I'm not thinking about all the other stuff that's bothering me. Speaking of which, my fitness/weight. I am trying so hard to accept myself and love myself regardless of my weight, because I do not want to define myself and my self-esteem based on a few kilos. Which is literally what the difference is between me feeling bad about myself and me feeling great, around four kilos. But a few years ago I worked really, really hard to change my life because I was not happy, and now I feel myself sliding backwards. I am trying really hard to stay positive, because my fitness is still in the excellent category, if only I could get my body/metabolism to play along. 4) Flatmate sh*t. My flatmate is ... ridiculous. First, when I asked her - more out of courtesy than anything else - if it would be a problem if my BF stayed the night, she said no. It made me feel ... like a houseguest rather than a paying tenant. Her reasoning behind it was that her mother was staying with us, but on the night in question her and her mother were out until 11.30pm, long after the BF and I would have been in bed, and then still hadn't stirred out of bed at 8.30am the next morning - also an hour and a half after the BF would have left to go home. The second point on the flatmate, the drama queen factor. I cannot STAND this. She turned what should have been a simple request into a "house meeting", and worked herself up to the point where her hands were shaking and she was nearly crying. Her request? Please don't smoke outside/around the house. Does she say this? Nooo. She starts off by saying "when I was first looking for a flatmate, two years ago, one of the things I said was an issue was smoking. Now, at the time you weren't a smoker and now you sort of are and it's an issue". So, I said "no worries, I won't smoke anywhere around the house or units at all - okay?" But no, this was not enough for her. She had to go on and on about how a neighbour had complained, and she had to apologise - for which I apologised and offer to go and tell them it wouldn't happen again. No, no - I'd done enough, apparently. I was happy to leave the conversation there, with my sincere apology for smoking within 50 metres of the front door and pledge to not let it happen again, but no. She then needed to start raving on about how bad it is for me, and asking me why I'm doing it. THIS I do not need, especially not from her. I refuse to have my lifestyle choices questioned by someone who considers dinner to be a plate of wholegrain rice crackers, sprinkled with a thick layer grated cheese, microwaved for a minute and then covered in a liberal splodge of BBQ sauce. (I kid you not, I've seen her eat this at least five times). All it needed was an adult conversation - Her: I hate cigarette smoke, please don't smoke anywhere outside or within the vicinity of the house, a neighbour complained. Me: I'm really sorry about that, I totally understand and I absolutely won't let it happen again. I'll apologise to the neighbour if you like. Her: No, that's fine. All good. The over-dramatised "house meeting" I could have handled, and the anti-smoking rhetoric as well. I want to stop, as soon as possible, I just need to get myself there in my own time. The final straw was her juvenile "hiding" in her bedroom for the evening, and every evening after that. I mean, WTF? How old are we here? 5) Final point, I promise, the "boyfriend". Fark me, but why does this stuff have to be so bloody hard? I've "finally" met someone, after more than four years essentially single (with some three-month stints in there), who I really, really like. And - most surprisingly of all - he really, really likes me. The fact he lives two hours away is, basically, sh*t ... but can be worked around. It's more the fear I have building inside of me. I've built up my walls to protect myself, and whenever I've been seeing someone I've pretty much kept them up ... so that when things go to sh*t, which they inevitably do, I know the a$$hole hasn't really hurt me because I kept those walls up protecting what I needed to. I know it's the most ridiculous cliche, but I am just completely terrified. I want to just surrender to the way I feel when I'm with him, and trust that he will be worth risking the heartache ... but I honestly don't know if I can go through it all again, I've always picked myself up and carried on - the "strong" one - but I'm so tired of being strong, and I feel like the next hit I take will be the one that carries me over breaking point. I had been feeling great about the BF, but he's had to go back on a commitment he made (about coming to see me and meet some friends) because of other arrangements with his ex-wife and daughter. I know, I know, I know I shouldn't be upset - because he must put his daughter first - and it's not that I'm upset that he isn't coming to see me and meet my friends ... it's more that I feel this is a warning or a premonition of how things will be. While I know his daughter absolutely must come first, and I wouldn't respect any father who didn't make his children his priority, I don't know if I can accept always being second ... or less. I don't know if my skin is thick enough to have weekend plans cancelled at a hour's notice because something has happened - this happened before our first date, when his ex-wife called him and declared she couldn't handle having their daughter for the night, and that he had to go home. Having said the above, the thought of just walking away from what could be something amazing is absolutely unfathomable ... but, the "self-protector" in me is already planning ahead. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was, that someone could just come and say "you should stay with him and risk it all, because it will all work out in the end" or say "no, move on now and save yourself a lot of hurt". Okay, I think that's it for now. I appreciate these are all first world problems, but they are problems - my problems - nonetheless and causing me a LOT of emotional stress and turmoil. I know I will get through this sh*tty period, I just wish I felt more confident about it.

Time to get help

Whoo, three times in a week. What's going on! Lots, is the answer.
After my all out, all change post I decided to take all my measurements and write them down. To be blunt, I was HORRIFIED. Looking in the mirror was NOT a pleasant experience and discovering I'd put at least 6cm onto my waist was just heartbreaking. All that hard work gone in a few weeks of careless eating and doing not much at all.

So after a minor freak out and contemplation of going on a diet of protein, vegetables and water I decided it was time to call in the experts. Say what you will about Jenny Craig (money-grubbing etc etc), they've helped a lot of people lost weight over the years and taught them how to maintain it. Losing weight is not the problem for me ... maintaining that loss is, because I lose focus and don't seem to manage to move into the maintenance stage of weight loss - and there is one!

My first meeting was a little confronting as it involved a tape measure, scales and looking at my diet. My two problem areas in terms of diet are alcohol and, get this, NOT eating enough at the right times and not eating enough when exercising. Who knew! My general diet plan has always been to eat mainly protein and veggies, and essentially as few carbs as possible really. To quote a great movie, I was doing it wrong. Smaller portions, lower calories, balance of everything (carbs, fats, protein, veggies etc) at regular intervals through the day = having more energy, feeling more awake AND losing at least 3cm off my waist in about a week! I also feel so, so much better ... I do actually have more energy and I had the best night's sleep I've had for aggges last night. The cooler weather and sleep-inducing rain on the roof probably helped too.

Of course, cutting the booze completely would've saved me a good couple of thousand calories too. It's quite miraculous though, I went out to see a band with friends on Saturday night and did not touch a drop of alcohol. Unheard of for me! I'm no boozer, but I love a drink here and there. But I stuck to soda water with lemon, and a cheeky diet coke because I was falling asleep. I saved a fortune because I didn't drink and drove so no taxis, AND I woke up early the next day feeling good.

It's amazing the different a few CMs and kilo or two makes, whether you've gained or lost it, for me it's the difference between feeling comfortable and feeling uncomfortable and unattractive. Critical time now, need to maintain this behaviour through some challenging situations (Christmas Parties, dinners etc).

Onwards and downwards.