Diary of a Mad Running Woman

Time to get help

2011-12-06T11:31:00.004+11:00

Whoo, three times in a week. What's going on! Lots, is the answer.
After my all out, all change post I decided to take all my measurements and write them down. To be blunt, I was HORRIFIED. Looking in the mirror was NOT a pleasant experience and discovering I'd put at least 6cm onto my waist was just heartbreaking. All that hard work gone in a few weeks of careless eating and doing not much at all.

So after a minor freak out and contemplation of going on a diet of protein, vegetables and water I decided it was time to call in the experts. Say what you will about Jenny Craig (money-grubbing etc etc), they've helped a lot of people lost weight over the years and taught them how to maintain it. Losing weight is not the problem for me ... maintaining that loss is, because I lose focus and don't seem to manage to move into the maintenance stage of weight loss - and there is one!

My first meeting was a little confronting as it involved a tape measure, scales and looking at my diet. My two problem areas in terms of diet are alcohol and, get this, NOT eating enough at the right times and not eating enough when exercising. Who knew! My general diet plan has always been to eat mainly protein and veggies, and essentially as few carbs as possible really. To quote a great movie, I was doing it wrong. Smaller portions, lower calories, balance of everything (carbs, fats, protein, veggies etc) at regular intervals through the day = having more energy, feeling more awake AND losing at least 3cm off my waist in about a week! I also feel so, so much better ... I do actually have more energy and I had the best night's sleep I've had for aggges last night. The cooler weather and sleep-inducing rain on the roof probably helped too.

Of course, cutting the booze completely would've saved me a good couple of thousand calories too. It's quite miraculous though, I went out to see a band with friends on Saturday night and did not touch a drop of alcohol. Unheard of for me! I'm no boozer, but I love a drink here and there. But I stuck to soda water with lemon, and a cheeky diet coke because I was falling asleep. I saved a fortune because I didn't drink and drove so no taxis, AND I woke up early the next day feeling good.

It's amazing the different a few CMs and kilo or two makes, whether you've gained or lost it, for me it's the difference between feeling comfortable and feeling uncomfortable and unattractive. Critical time now, need to maintain this behaviour through some challenging situations (Christmas Parties, dinners etc).

Onwards and downwards.

going my own way

2011-11-29T09:39:00.003+11:00

Had to skip Pump last night as I was trapped at work until 8pm and didn't walk in the front door until around 8.40pm. This morning I could not face any of the classes on offer at the gym, so I made up my own cardio/weights mix.

Warm-up/cardio:
15 mins on cross trainer
5 mins of rowing machine

Weights
Warm-up:
10 push-ups (on toes)
20 squats
20 circles forward with 2kg hand weights (arms out parallel to ground)
20 circles backward with 2kg hand weights (as above)
20 overhead presses

Three times through

Working set:
10 kettlebell swings with 16kg
20 one-arm clean and press with 12kg kettlebell (10 on each arm)
10 dynamic lunges
10 backward stepping lunges

Five times through

Abs:
10 v-sits
20 seated paddlers with 6kg medicine ball
1 min standard plank
30 second plank on both left and right

three times through

And done! Was probably working at about 70% for most of it, can't really hammer back into it after taking a good six-week break from this sort of training, but felt good!

All out, all change

2011-11-27T20:07:00.003+11:00

Ahh, well it's been a LONG time between blogs! FB and Twitter have taken over ... as has wordpress, which is w
here I'll be heading next I think.

Been a crazy busy year with lots of highs and lows, highest points were moving house in a bid to save some money and get acclimatised to living with people again after a three-year stint alone. I suddenly realised how miserable my flat was making me - too small, too far away from everyone, too far from work etc etc. It's been a great move, and my flatmate is wonderful but has enough funny quirks that she keeps me entertained.

Another high point was running a marathon. I'd always been secretly afraid of setting myself such a big goal. I knew that if I trained for it properly I would be able to do it, but I really, really wasn't sure if I could stick to a five-month training regime. Well, I did! And I pretty well nailed that dirty bugger :) The day turned out to be very hot, completely out of the blue, and very dry and dusty. Not great running conditions. But everyone suffered and we all made it. "We" being my running buddies and I. Not everyone achieved their goal times, but the main goal is really to finish anyway.

Low points. Got to be being made redundant from my job. Handled terribly by the company I was working for. Essentially, on Tuesday we were told they were restructuring the department and 50% of jobs were going, we had to reapply for the positions we wanted (had to, yes, at this stage redundancy wasn't offered), on the Wednesday and Thursday of the same week we had interviews, and on the Friday we were told of the results. To be honest, I wasn't overly surprised but I was still disappointed and it was still a shock. Worse was still to come, as redundancy still wasn't on the table and I was encouraged to focus on "redeployment", but they couldn't tell me how long I was going to stay in my job for etc. Finally about a week and a half I was told that I was being offered a redundancy, but had to work for another three weeks to receive it. Which was 'fine', but it kinda sucks to have to hang around with former colleagues who've taken your job (not on purpose, but you know what I mean).

The other low comes soon after this as I started a new job, but it has pretty much turned out to be a complete disaster. Small company with no procedures, processes, documentation and zero training or support. It's been a seriously miserable couple of months struggling through trying to teach myself how to use the system and deal with client issues etc. I'm really hoping things get better soon, but I'm throwing myself into it 200% from tomorrow to try and make things better from my side. Will then give it another few months and reassess.

So that's just about brought me up to speed for this year. A combination of running the marathon, stopping running due to (minor) injury and just being kinda sick of running, work/stress etc means an extra 3-5 kgs have crept on. Small fry I know, but on my small frame it makes a big difference and I am nooot happy about it. But instead of throwing myself into exercise and eating like a bird for a few weeks to resolve it, I'm really assessing how I can make permanent and effective (healthy) changes that will allow me to maintain a healthy weight rather than having to resort to extremes.

Eating is pretty simple - cut out the naughty bits that have crept in is number one. Because I was running so much I could allow myself these little treats, but now I've pulled right back I've had to pull them out ... but it took me a while to recognise this ... or maybe accept it. Things like chips, chocolate, biscuits, cheese and biscuits. I didn't eat any of them that much or every day, but a bag of chips one day, a chocolate bar another, cheese another = 3 or 5kg gain!

So I'm back to my older way of eating - low dairy, gluten-free where possible, low carb, low GI, lots of lean protein and veggies. Breakfast is five-grains organic porridge with some almond butter and rice milk, snacks are nuts or veggies, one piece of fruit a day, sheep milk yoghurt, lunch is a salad with lots of bits and pieces (eg: broccoli, capsicum, celery, carrots, baby spinach, cucumber, egg/chicken/tuna), and dinner is a big half-plate of veggies and around 200g of lean protein.

Trying out a mix of different exercises/regimes to see what I like and keep things interesting. This week I'm planning:
Monday: 30 min run in the morning and pump class in the evening
Tuesday: Bikram yoga (evening)
Wednesday: Fun yoga in the evening
Thursday: 30 min run and kickboxing training, yeah!
Friday: Tabata session or Bikram
Saturday: cycle class plus weights

Just need to write it all down so that I have a record of it - especially in my mind.

Obviously this won't be the same every week, but so long as I do something 3 or 4 days a week plus eat well, things will move in the right direction and I'll maintain my sanity.

Fed up and confused

2010-11-13T21:42:00.003+11:00

Okay, this may be a wee bit self pitying so - be warned. But, seriously, WTF is going on.

Do not ask me why but I put myself out there, once again, and went on a date via an online dating site. We had a great connection, but kept it very low key - as we both wanted to. We both agreed there was a click and that we wanted to see each other again.

I got a cute text message (last night) saying that he thought I had a gorgeous smile and an awesome body. The last bit is quite laughable, but whatever, I'm not going to argue. I always maintain that I look GREAT in clothes as I know how to dress for my shape and cover the bits that need coverage. But I digress.

This morning I sent him a message thanking him for the sweet message, and saying that I thought he was pretty damn hot himself, and that I couldn't wait to see him again. He replied asking me when he got to "feast his eyes" again, and we agreed that we would catch up - today - and that I'd call him after my swimming training session.

Well, I did my bit! Called and left a message, which might've been a little bit of a silly message (just referencing something we'd spoken about a week prior. I forget that I have great recall of small conversation points, and that maybe others don't). So, guess what, I didn't hear from him! I sent him a text five hours after I called saying I was sorry if I offended him, saying it was just a joke, and all I got back was a text saying "what offended me?" I wrote back saying "hee hee, nevermind. I guess it didn't in that case. So, when are you free to chat/catch up". And ...zilch..

Blah. I do NOT understand. At 9.30am he's telling me he thinks I'm a spunk and that I'd be a "dream" to touch (hah) and literally four hours later he's ignoring calls and not returning them.

Tell me, what happens in four hours????

There goes my brain....

2010-10-10T20:31:00.003+11:00

Cranky post - be warned.
First, some good news. I can fit into my skinny jeans (skinny as in small sized, not skinny leg jeans - I could never wear them), with no muffin top and 100% comfort sitting down. Rockin'! Means, of course that my OTHER jeans are now too big. Blah, I'm buying new ones.

Secondly, I need to slap myself very hard. WHY do I do this to myself, why. Goes something like this - met a great guy last weekend, went out with him for drinks the next night. Caught up with him on Wednesday and went out for drinks on Friday. Was a smitten kitten, smiling like a loon. So, what happened at drinks on Friday. Duh! Had lots of drinks, let him convince me to let him come home with me ... I was like, fine, but I'm wearing PJs and you're keeping your hands to yourself. All seemed good until about 20 minutes into falling asleep when we start kissing and one thing leads to another - yadda yadda yadda.

So, guess what? This guy who previously - as in on Friday - was telling me how much he liked me and literally asked me to be his girlfriend, has now fallen off the face of the earth. WTF? He sent me a text on Saturday saying he had an amazing night and thinks I'm fantastic and have the best legs in the world (obviously a lie), and then - poof. He was gone. I sent him two follow-up messages and heard nothing back for over a day and a half. Considering prior to Friday I heard from him at least once a day, it's obvious something is up. What can I say ... the only thing that happened between Friday and Saturday was me sleeping with him.

WHYYYYY the f*ck did I do it??? I mean, apart from the obvious reason (a few too many drinks). I know better than that, especially with a guy I like! Bloody hell.

Anyhoo, in other good news - I'm on holidays now so have two weeks to forget about it. Plus, going up to far north Queensland for some sun ... coming back with a tan or at least having caught up on my sleep deficit.

Lesson may have finally been learnt eh? No more!

Man update

2010-10-02T22:41:00.002+10:00

It's Saturday night of the long-weekend and I've been inside practically all day ... sick! Baaah. Not sure, but I actually feel worse than yesterday ... hopefully tomorrow my quiet night tonight will pay off and I'll feel better.

Anyway, my last post updated everything (pretty much) except MEN. Well, there's been all sorts of strange goings on in that department of late. I've been back on the good ol' online dating scene for a while and ... man, it's super depressing. Here is a quick-fire break-down of my dating adventures:

Short-arse: Lied BIG time about his height (ie: said he was 5'10" and was 5'6") and was total sleeze - sitting WAY too close to me and patting my hand and arm, and also called me darling. When he asked me if I wanted to catch up again I said "sure, as friends", and he texted me the same night asking me out again. It was late, so I ignored it, and the next day he sent me a range of texts telling me I was dishonest and a liar and should've told him upfront I wasn't interested. Phew, dodged a bullet there. Psycho.

Mr Insecure: God-love him but Mr Insecure was great on email, chat and even talking on the phone. But when it came to actually meeting in person - he went extremely strange. Also, he wouldn't share pics. He kept asking me for ones (that weren't on my profile) and came up with excuses not to send any through - saying they were unflattering and stuff. So finally, when I said "let's catch up" he said that he was too embarrassed too because he'd put on weight since his profile pictures. Blah, next. Not because of the weight, but becuase he was chicken sh*t.

Mr Dream Boat: I am so hooked on this guy right now and I have no idea how to get over it! This guy is not from RSVP, but "real life". Met at a ... work function. We work for the same company, but so do 500 other people, and I literally see him once a week. We just hit it off. We have so much in common. So, at this work function we both got drunk and managed to escape the crowds to have a fantastic snog session and line up another date. Which was similarly brilliant, I just loved talking to him and then we had ... well, fantastic sex. He is mega hot (buff) and tall, dark ... oh boy. It was worth the (several month) dry spell. We were definitely going somewhere, but last weekend I was mad busy hosting a ball and having a birthday so we didn't catch up.

Then on Wednesday I find out that he's finally moving departments ... yay for him, boo for me because it means we are now working somewhat together. While he still seemed keen on continuing ... I am just too old to have a relationship with someone I work with - on any level - and I do not want things to become uncomfortable for either of us. It's a great company, and I worked hard to get there - and so did he.

So boo to that. Obviously I am not "upset" because I was pretty instrumental in the decision-making process, and it's good for him. But I just feel like this is the second time (or what, fortieth) time the universe has thrown a great man my way who I can't be with. Bloody hell, I'm guessing there's a message in there for me ... I just wish I knew what the hell it was.

Diet of the cavewoman

2010-09-30T16:37:00.004+10:00

I was spurred into action today by a post on a blog I love to read, saying that many other bloggers were AWOL or MIA. In the vain hope that someone's reading I thought I'd better get on and write an update on my cavewoman ways.

Well, it's been around six weeks on the caveman diet which is detailed in another post but essentially involves meat, chicken, fish, kangaroo, nuts, all-you-can-eat green veggies, and ... uh, water? I drink coffee too, and take some supplements (recommended to me by my trainer).

I get weighed every four weeks and - what's 1000 times worse - he uses callipers to measure my skinfold (or fatfold in my case!). Firstly, it's embarrassing and I have to lift up my top, readjust bra-straps and stuff like that ... urgh. Anyhoo, the GOOD news is that my body fat has dropped by something like seven percent in six weeks. Which I think is great, I've put on 2.9kg of lean muscle, and on the scales lost around 6kg. Frankly, figures have never bothered me - it's how I feel and how my clothes fit. And in both of those areas I'm giving a tentative thumbs up. Especially around my waist, where I've lost over 10cm. Which is GREAT as I had never had a problem with weight there until the last year or so.

My weights routine with the Caveman Trainer is pretty friggin' brutal. But I like that he holds nothing back and doesn't treat me like a girl ... or doesn't go easy on me because I'm a girl. He ignores my gender and sets me challenges that are based on my physical capabilities. He doesn't rant and rave and cheer me on, he is just to the point and tough. Like me ... a bit.

But then, he has a heart. Today I was NOT up to it, to be honest, but I dragged myself in to the gym because I NEEDED to do something and I'd already paid for the session. I've got a pretty yuck case of tonsillitis at the moment ... yesterday was the WORST day ever, I felt beyond horrendous - feverish, light-headed, weak, and swallowing was like razor-blades and ... god, I dunno, lemon juice combined. Heh, you know it's not a good sign when the doctor looks down your throat and grimaces. The back of my throat is ulcerated and swollen. I wasn't so bothered to see this (doctor insisted on getting a mirror so I could look), because once I knew why it was hurting so much I felt better. It's the whole "unknown" pain - you know it hurts, but not why.

Anyhoo, I got a shot of penicillin in the butt (oh fun) and a does of pretty hardcore antibiotics. I went home and slept for HOURS. Seriously, I slept more in one evening/night than I did in probably three nights on the weekend. I hit the couch at about 5pm and woke up at about 7pm from a deep sleep. Staggered around for a while before managing a shower and made up some clear soup, then managed to stay awake until about 9pm when it was back to bed for some more sleep. I took my doses of antibiotics and panadol in the middle of the night too, and woke up feeling at least 50 percent better. Still not back to max power, but I am definitely on the mend.

So there you go! I still struggle with the diet at times, but by and large I manage to avoid white carbs and stuff like that. I really miss fruit, but I can eat strawberries and blueberries in moderation so I make the most of that.

I am still recovering from an horrendous blender incident on Sunday morning. I was making myself a post-workout super protein shake pinched from a few different blogs I've seen. It has 3 scoops of protein powder, about 1/2 cup rice milk, some water, 2 cups of spinach, fibre supplement and handful of berries. Anyway, I whizzed it all up and then noticed it was leaking from under the blender and down the housing the jug sits in. This has happened once before ... when I didn't quite click the "plug" at the base of the jug in - the thing that holds the blades. Sooo, when I lifted the jug up, the plug stayed put and my lovely smoothie went EVERYWHERE. All over the bench, under other bench-top items such as toaster, kettle, teaspoon holder etc etc. Oh, and then it ran over the edge of the bench and onto my relatively clean and shiny running shoes. Now THAT was NOT what I needed at 9am on a Sunday ... on my BIRTHDAY.

Yes, that's right. I turned 32 on the weekend. Holy crapola. Which is part of the reason why I had such a BIG weekend with no sleep - I was keeping myself busy. At this time of year - much worse than Christmas - I tend to get a bit blue. I reflect on things too much and inevitably find myself a bit unhappy. Not this year, there were moments of feeling a bit glum - but there were NO TEARS and lots of fun and smiles. So, big high five on that one.

Oh, it did help that I did something VERY bad in hindsight but VERY, VERY good for self-esteem boosting and for improving my mood at the time. I kissed this majorly hot guy at work ... at the conclusion of a very boozy work function (that my department had hosted). Seriously, the guy is a SPUNK. I have been perving on him for mooonths. Naturally, he wouldn't look at me twice in the normal world. But, after a few drinks when "party Amanda" comes out and manages to lose her insecurities over talking to good looking men (who normal Amanda fancies), I seem to become quite the chatty companion and have been known to attract guys who are well out of my league (in my mind only, of course) normally.

I have since had a few "oh shiiiit" moments. But la la la, he is seriously hot and I would do it again in a second if given the chance. Nope, have NO idea if he has vaguely similar feelings about me and am not pushing the issue at this stage. Just happy to reminisce over what it was like to kiss him for, like, an HOUR.

Okay, that's my update. I am going to try to post more often. I am really hoping that all this training will soon start to bring some really serious results!

Caveman carb-cycling

2010-08-15T18:15:00.004+10:00

I am on a five-day carb-cycling program. For five days I eat lean protein (steak, chicken, ham, fish, eggs) and green veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, rocket, salad) and sweet potato. Plus some nuts every morning. I take fish oil capsules with each meal and some other digestive support tablets.

BUT on the night of my fifth day ... I get to eat carbs! Oooh, it's heaven. I've only been through two cycles so far, and have stuck to some simple carbs with brown rice and banana ... oh, and a few squares of dark chocolate :) All are allowed too.

The idea is that the high carbs night restarts my metabolism. And thank GOD for carbs night. I keeps me sane. And gives me much needed energy.

After two weeks I have definitely noticed a difference. I would not say this is weight-loss, so much as getting back to normal. I haven't felt nearly as bloated or puffy, which I had been feeling all the time. On the scales it's about 3 to 4kg down, but I would say a lot of that is water-loss. I have, however, noticed my face has slimmed down a bit! Hurrah, because it was definitely getting a bit too round and moon-like.

People keep asking me about my goals. Is it bad that I don't have a set goal? I just want to lose body fat and get stronger. Weight goals have never worked for me because I am quite muscular, but I would definitely like to trim down by a good 10cm around my waist and I have some other measurements in mind too.

My other goal is to run FASTER. I'm four weeks away from my SEVENTH half marathon. Because I'm a mentor in the program, I am not running it for myself but instead in a support role so I won't be running it for a time. About a month after that race, though, there is another half which I am contemplating enterting. It may be a little soon, but I am really seriously considering it!

I eat steak for breakfast

2010-08-10T09:34:00.004+10:00

Yes, unfortunately it's true.

This morning I jumped ... okay, groaned out of bed at 6.10am and wandered into the kitchen. For the first time in my life I was going to eat steak before midday. Hell, before coffee. A plain steak with a handful of almonds. No sauce, seasoning or anything.

I chose a 200g porterhouse, which starts me off with around 50g of protein, plus some extra from the nuts. Bam! I hammered it out a bit with a meat tenderiser, because I wanted it to cook faster and be easier to eat. A light splash of olive oil, about three minutes on each side and I was eating breakfast. Mmm.

You know ... it was interesting. It didn't taste bad, of course, it was just my mind telling me "this isn't breakfast! This is wrong". I slowed down towards the end as I could feel it starting to settle in my stomach. Over three hours later I am feeling the effects of a) carb starvation and b) having a full stomach of food = headache! And finding it hard to concentrate.

But, this is what I'm doing for a little while. I am not looking at the big picture, or medium picture, I am simply taking things one day and even moreso, one meal at a time.

Coming up at about 11am I have some ham and two eggs to grapple with. Oh boy, am I excited! Oh, and some spinach too.

Like anything, when you make changes it takes your body a while to adapt, which is why I am locking myself in for a month of super-strict behaviour. If I see results, even small ones, I will stick with it. Even if I just start to feel better and brighter/lighter that will make it worthwhile. Could not imagine running in this state though, so I hope my body starts to burn through this stuff soon!

I have a headache

2010-08-07T17:55:00.003+10:00

So I am on day two of changing my diet from a carb-breakfast of porridge to no beige carbs and much higher protein. I haven't received my full report and plan from my new trainer, but I am trying to start slowly changing things as I realise I have a lot to change and so I am trying the "change one thing every day" approach. Right now I am trying to get used to not having porridge for breakfast and instead am having protein. The first day - due to what was in the fridge - I had two eggs scrambled with no milk added (a bit of water to thin them out) and ... a kangaroo sausage. The eggs were okay, but the sausage was NOT and I am never buying them again. I like kangaroo, but only in steak form.

This morning I had the same - two eggs and some sliced ham, with some avocado for good fats. I am finding this soooo hard to eat, because I am not used to eating this sort of food so early in the day. It's just so unappetising and against my routine of the past, oh, 31 years!

I am determined to stick to it (although tomorrow ahead of the City2Surf I am having porridge!), but it's seriously giving me a headache. I've looked it up and it seems that one potential reason is that protein takes longer to digest than carbs like oats, and apparently undigested food is a trigger for headaches? Probably a little bit of sugar withdrawal too as I am cutting it out all together. Slowly anyway. On Friday I ate a strawberry, and today I ate some fruit salad at brunch with a friend. It was seriously the best option as there was NO WAY I was eating eggs again.

I find this diet a little confusing. No dairy, no fruit, no carbs from things like pasta, rice or noodles. I mean, fruit is good for you. Sure, you need to eat it in moderation due to the high sugar content, but what about all the great nutrients and minerals (and fibre) you get from them? Plus, no dairy? Hello, osteoperosis! I am going to ask my trainer about some of this on Tuesday because I'm a little concerned.

ZERO energy today, although I was running around quite a bit driving from one side of the bloody city to the other. Very tiring! Picked up a case of wine that's been waiting for me for a while, wish I could drink it all tonight ... but don't think that would be great race prep. Instead will have a light dinner with some fish and veggies and a nice early night.

Friends have been asking me what my goals are, because they can't see why I want to change anything. Heh, of course they're my friends and they have to say this, but they also remember a time a few years ago when I would've done anything to be at the weight I am now.

For now, I have no specific goals other than to lose body fat, tone up and improve my nutrition knowledge. Right now I have a diet and exercise regime that clearly isn't working for me, and if I'm going to work this hard - I want some bloody results. I'm sure my trainer will help me come up with these. I am determined to stay healthy and not get carried away with this though!

I did realise that in my period of extreme weight loss/skinny-ness I was probably starving myself. I really wasn't eating enough ... my diet was something like: 1/2 cup of muesli or 2 weetbix with milk, maybe an apple for morning tea, a coffee w skim milk, salad for lunch - maybe with protein, sometimes a bread roll, and for dinner I'd have a tiny piece of meat and some veggies. And honestly, I remember some nights after big runs when I would skip dinner and eat a cucumber or something. Especially if you consider that then I'd run about 35km a week and do something like nine to 11 gym classes (four on the weekends and seven during the week) that just wasn't enough food. I remember everything being vveery slim - I had no boobs (for the first time in my life and - honestly - I loved it), and no hips. I'm sorry, but I LIKED it because I'd always had round curves and it was so good to be so trim. But now I do realise I got there in an incredibly unhealthy way and I'm lucky that I caught Ross River Fever when I did as it forced me to slow down and start eating properly and take care of my liver a bit better.

So, onwards and downwards ... and upwards! I can't wait for my energy levels to pick up again. I have no idea how I'm going to run tomorrow ... hah, slowly I imagine!

New trainer and new beginnings

2010-08-05T22:22:00.005+10:00

As evidenced in this blog and my constant whingeing to friends, family and anyone who will listen - for the past year or two (especially the last 12 months) I have been really struggling with weight gain.

Last week at work we had a group from the Athletes Foot come in to fit us for shoes. I had just been to a proper running shoe store that fit me with some great runners, but I went down anyway for a second opinion. Unlike some stores I've been in - these guys knew their stuff. They used the Fit Print mechanism, but also watched you walk away from them - in bare feet and with your Achilles exposed. The guy who I worked with gave an identical diagnosis pretty much to previous ones, so I was impressed! He also knew a bit about running and CanToo - bonus.

I digress. Also present was this great personal trainer - Libby, who runs an Eastern Suburbs (Sydney) based boot camp and personal training business called Bottom's Up. I decided to ask her for some nutrition tips because really, I don't feel like I can do anymore exercise - maybe just smarter exercise - and I really think that nutrition is 80% of weight loss or more!

What she told me was quite eye opening and led me to where I am now. Essentially, she told me I wasn't eating enough aiming for 1300 calories a day and exercising up to 1000 calories a day. That I wasn't eating enough protein and that I was eating the wrong sort of carbs. Eep. I asked her for a recommendation of a good personal trainer who also did nutrition because I am now so confused after reading sooo many things about everything under the sun.

Well, she delivered to me the cream of the crop. His name is Daine McDonald and he runs a PT business called Clean Health. I had my first consultation with him TODAY - the same day I initially spoke to him. Argh, scary that I had zero time to prepare ... thank god I shaved this morning! I HATE these things. I have never, ever had a good initial consultation - no matter how much thinner or fitter I've been. They involve scary things like getting on scales and being measured, poked, proded and the rest. Plus, I have had some horrendous comments ... including a trainer who I NEVER saw again who informed me that I was obese, despite acknowledging that my cardio fitness and strength put me in the excellent category for fitness.

Anyway, today was different. Daine had me fill out a serious of questionnaries to determine my standard health, exercise and diet history and any potential hormone imbalances through a long questionnaire with a HEAP of true and false answers. This was quite interesting as I had never given many of these questions a second thought, and suddenly I found myself wondering if I had a good memory, had a healthy libido and a good imagination!

My head is still swimming a little, but the results are etched inside my brain because ... I've been doing it WRONG. Well wrong. In fact, there are few ways I could more wrong! My training, up to now, has been focussed around running - particularly long distance running - thinking it must be good as it works all muscles and burns calories, as well as strenghtening my lungs and heart. Unfortunately, it also causes the body to create a hormone called cortisol which causes the body to retain weight - particularly around the mid-section.

I have been trying to ignore it, but particularly in the last seven or eight months I have struggled with this area. Not so much a "gut", but just weight on my torso, which I have never had a problem with. In fact, my slim waist was often considered my best feature.

In addition to this, my diet - formulated for me by a three-month course with a different nutritionist - was wrong. According to Daine, it is too high in carbs and sugars (only natural mind you), too low in protein and not nearly enough of the good fats. This diet, in fact, is also cortisol creating AND can affect liver and kidney function. Fantastic. So my diet AND my exercise routine are contributing to me gaining weight despite both being rather good!

After this discussion, which had me wanting to do a number of things - including run away, cry and call my previous nutritionist and demand a refund of my $450 dollars, it was time for the measuring. Daine used this scary looking pair of metal pincers ... or callipers, to measure skinfolds. I absolutely realise the rationale behind it, which is why I went through with it, but inside I was dying. I had only just met this person and now he's actively grabbing my (somewhat generous) love handles and pinching them in a cruel looking shiny contraption? Thankfully, it was all over quite quickly. Then it was just a quick jump on the scales, which thankfully didn't explode but did display some scary digits, and we were talking action plans.

I am receiving a full report from Daine closer to the weekend, but for now I need to stop eating carbs (porridge) for breakfast and have protein. He recommended red meat and eggs. Yeah, I am serious. This goes against everything I've ever considered breakfast to be. Eggs - sometimes - but steak? For breakfast? Ew! He went one step further and recommended game meats like deer and roo. Okay, so I am going to go with roo as I cannot face venison or similar sub-8am.

Secondly, I am onto the supplements - a tablespoon of liquid fish oil in the morning and a teaspoon at night. Tonight I started with the teaspoon and it was pretty gross. I am going to have to mix that stuff in with something I think. Next, are some other digestive supplements. They smelt pretty bad, but apparently they will help sort out acid and enzyme levels in my gut. Finally, in addition to the liquid fish oil, I am taking three fish oil capsules through-out the day. Unbelievable.

Finally, I am not to exercise in the evening. This apparently also causes cortisol levels to spike, which is why I can't sleep at night sometimes! Argh. So it's now all before work or at lunchtime work outs.

I am going to give it all a bloody good go, if for no other reason than I've laid down a substantial amount of money for this stuff and now I want to see what it does. Training per usual until next Tuesday when who knows what will happen to me.

If I said I didn't care about what happens on the scale I would be lying. I want to be under 65kg at least, under 60kg preferable. I must point out, I am a shortie. I'm 158cm or so, so these weights would be fine for me. I'd love to lose weight of my upper arms, which have always been chunky (apparently could be a wheat problem), and my stomach and thighs.

I would also like to gain my energy and vitality back. It has left me in the last year or so! Work has been busy, sure, but I have worked much harder and longer in my life and had more energy than I currently have.

So, I look forward to reporting back! Hopefully I can pass on some useful tips beyond attempting to eat a steak for breakfast.

Sunday night quickie

2010-07-18T22:22:00.003+10:00

Not a great week by any scale of the imagination. Had what I like to call Demonic Ovary Month ... felt HORRENDOUS for two days (cramps and nausea) but thankfully recovered in time for Wednesday training (just about anyway).

I did skip all other activities. It was time for a rest week.

I've started making up ground this weekend though, I think! 18km running in total, plus SUPER healthy eating. Well, with only a few minor blights. Have decided to really focus on diet for two solid weeks. Have broken the sugar hold from last weekend's binge and have stocked the fridge with veggies, fruit and lean protein options :)

Today was ALMOST perfect.

45min hill run, then had cup of cooked porridge (made with water) plus half an apple, two tablespoons of chopped walnuts and 1 teaspoon of sunflower seeds, plus a sprinkle of cinnamon and brown sugar. Tasteee.

Then I had a soy mocha before heading out running shoe shopping with two friends. Super fun (and successful).

Lunch was four Vita-Weets with Nut Butter and raspberry jam (on the run) and an apple.

Arvo snack was about 1/2 cup of pistachio nuts. Oh, and I had a beer :)

Dinner tonight was DELICIOUS from The Biggest Loser cookbook - beef strips stir fried with oyster sauce (plus chilli, garlic and ginger), with baby buk choy. Served with low-GI doongara rice. Made one recipe switch - cut the onion (blergh) and added the chilli. Super tasty.

I decided to spoil myself for dessert with a Fuji fruit (yum) and mango yoghurt.

So, let's see how the week pans out. No late nights this week and lots of running, gym and sleep plus good healthy food.

Have THE WORST first date story to share ... but will have to put that up tomorrow as the pain is still far too fresh to recount tonight.

Goldy Half and The Hunger x 2

2010-07-13T23:08:00.003+10:00

The half-marathon - and activities after the race - last year was so much fun that a group of us decided to do it all again, and invite some newbies along. Once again, it didn't fail to impress! Arrived on Saturday lunchtime and, after dumping gear at the hotel, we wandered off to the expo. These things are kinda crazy, but they're also great for checking out all sorts of running gear and gadgets. I managed to refrain from buying, mainly because I was really hot and uncomfortable after flying from 13C temps to pushing 30C in the sun!

We had our traditional carb loading dinner at a restaurant in Broadbeach, after an agonisingly long wait ... next year, a booking will be essential! Plus the traditional glass of red. I was determined to make this a holiday as much as a race. Due to the dinner delay, we all went to bed a fair bit later than is ideal ... but I am a firm believer in the theory that two nights before the race is when you need to get the best sleep, not as much the night before. Of course, it all helps!

This year we had much less stress at the startline, we were lined up before the gun went off - which is always a good start - and we actually warmed up! None of which happened in 2009. My running at the moment is a little bit different as I'm a CanToo mentor. This means I am focussed on helping other runners achieve their goals, rather than on my own times and challenges.

The Gold Half was my first real experience of this, running with a girl who wanted to beat her previous time of 2h24min. As this was nearly 25minutes below my average half-mara time, I knew I could get her home in a good time but had to also be careful not to push her too hard. I was very proud of our efforts, as we took it out REALLY slowly in the first 11km and managed to steadily build the pace for the next 10km. In her previous race, my mentee had stopped running at 14km and never recovered, walking and running for the remainder of the race.

As we approached the 14km mark, she was starting to complain of being tired and having sore knees. I knew she was tired - so was I - but I knew that she didn't need to stop, it was purely a mental thing. So I told her to get to the 15km mark and she could stop, and repeated this at every km marker - saying "nah, let's stop at the next one". She twigged at the 17km mark, where I switched to saying "only 4km left" and stuff like that. And - whoo hoo - she took seven minutes off her time to record a PB. Unfortunately I did encourage her to sprint the last 100m, and she nearly collapsed at the finish line ... but she was very happy with her efforts and I was happy with mine!

My coach redeemed himself from last year's horrendous full marathon effort, where he blew up at about 31km and spent the next 11km walking in terrible pain. This year he was 12kg lighter and finished - looking good - in under four hours. An absolute legend.

After we all finished our respective runs, we headed back to the hotels for showers (painful in my case due to dreadful under-bra chaffing) and some extra sleep before hitting the town at 4.30pm!

The next two nights are pretty much a blur but can be summed up in one word: FUN. Dancing, drinking, flirting, guys, laughter, more flirting and guys, and more dancing and drinking. Oooh, so much fun.

I came back to Sydney, however, feeling like it was definitely time for some focus!

Heh, unfortunately this focus was undermined by what I call ... The Hunger. The Hunger hits me about two or three days before my period arrives (sorry to be blunt!) and during this time I am a bottomless pit. I usually have a very small appetite, preferring to eat small meals more regularly rather than huge meals in one sitting. Not when The Hunger hits. When it's around, I never feel full or satisfied. Example? I got pizza on Friday, which I never get, but I was tired and it was 7.30pm and I wanted to eat and go to bed early. I get a healthy-ish option from the local pizza place, but usually I eat three pieces - four at the very most. On Friday, I ate six! And I was still thinking of eating more when I put the remaining two slices away. Argh.

Saturday's 8km run definitely didn't work that off, and then I headed off to a wine and cheese tasting ... oh boy, I don't want to think of the calories there!

Sunday I went for a tough 7km hill run that hurt BADLY due to me already having sore legs, being a bit tired, needing new shoes AND the weather turning v. weird. It was that pre-storm weather.

Anyway, not content with the pizza and cheese and wine damage, I went to a baby shower where there were waaaay more cupcakes with delicious icing than necessary. I can't remember exactly how many I had ... at least two, maybe pushing three (I ate the icing off one - the cake was burnt and hard). Plus ... oh, so much junk. But damn, it was good.

Now, it's time for me to really knuckle down. 10 weeks to the September race, and I want to pace the 2h group and feel fit and healthy - not like I'm dragging my butt around! Nothing flashy, just sensible eating.

Although, I am contemplating trying Light n' Easy or similar ... just because I never seem to have enough time to shop OR cook. Hmmm.

Progress?

2010-06-22T21:31:00.004+10:00

Well, the scales are still wacked out ... but for now they're heading in the right direction so, yay.

Have maintained good behaviour for a week! That is a serious break-through. No biscuits at work and all healthy lunches. My new favourite lunch is a small salad from Iku of steamed veggies (mainly zucchini, brocoli, carrot, beans - no carbs) and some steamed purple cabbage and beet salad with a teeny bit of tahini and garlic/herb dressing, plus five or so 9-grain vitawheats with either chicken, tuna or Laughing Cow cheese. Perfect!

Feeling good, like things are heading in the right direction. Have regained some semblance of focus, which is great.

Exercise over the last week or so:

Last Tuesday - pump/combat double
Wednesday - 6.5km run
Thursday - nothing
Friday - rest!
Saturday - 8km run plus 15km hiking with 10kg pack
Sunday - 15km hiking with 10kg pack (was an overnight hike)
Monday - rest, thank god
Tuesday (today) - pump/combat double

Tomorrow is 7km running - 2km warm-up plus 5km time trial - aiming for under 28 mins

Thursday - yet to be determined
Friday will definitely be a rest day, as Saturday running 10km and then on Sunday going for around 18/20km (or two hours).

I am finding myself back in the good habit, that I find works best for myself, which is to simply say "no" when I am considering bad stuff like biscuits at work. Have had a few low-fat hot chocolates, plus some soy mochas but really, that's it.

So, I'm happy so far. Trick is, as ever, to maintain it. But I am the 80/20 girl, I believe in five days of crystal clear good behaviour, plus two days where I can take it a bit easy. Maybe go to dinner/lunch etc and have a few drinkies.

Scales are in good territory now, will see if they can stay there. Must do measurements!

Woman on a mission

2010-06-16T08:52:00.003+10:00

Weirdness continues on the scales! Today am UP 1kg compared with yesterday. Although today feel 1001 times better than yesterday. Something baaaad was going on in my stomach, it felt bloated and tight, and I found trying to clench my stomach muscles really hurt a bit. Poor insides are in a bit of a mess after DREADFUL eating on the weekend.

It wasn't so much the quantity as the quality, which I find is often the problem when staying with friends who don't eat the same way I do. Biggest problem was - lack of fruit and good veg. Oh, and a disgusting KFC incident. Although I ended up just eating some chips, I determined they were probably the lesser evil compared to the fried chicken. The GOOD that came out of it, for there is good in every bad situation!, was that I NEVER want to eat it again. Sometimes I get cravings for junk like KFC, and I can honestly say I didn't enjoy any of it - so now I can remind myself of that the next time I have a crease craving.

I have got myself right back on track though. Yesterday I was tempted by the work cookie jar (x2), but I had porridge with a banana for breakfast, apple and mandarin for a snack, a lamb salad wrap for lunch, a banana for an afternoon snack and then did the Pump/Combat double. Pump was okay, but during combat my stomach felt super-horrible and I really only went at about 70-80% of what I usually would. Mind you, I was still going harder than most of the people in the class and worked up a good sweat.

Today I have REALLY pulled my finger out. Running training for the next half-marathon with CanToo starts this afternoon and I am starting a 3-month campaign of fitness and health. So, after getting up pre-6am, getting dressed and driving my car (and self) over to the other side of the city so I can be at training on time, I headed to the supermarket where I bought supplies. I got a new variety of porridge - the Weightwise version from Uncle Toby's. It's probably not as good as regular oats (and sure as heck doesn't taste as good), but it has extra fibre and protein which has to be a good thing. I also paid a small fortune for a teeny packet of Chia seeds, which are like flaxseeds and currently being promoted as the next "super food". Packed with omega-3s - which are good for helping reduce inflammation (caused by running and stuff), plus anti-oxidants and protein. I put about half a teaspoon or so over my porridge.

You can eat them whole, unlike flaxseeds, and apparently they keep better as well. They didn't add any flavour, but they were great to crunch on! I am already a big fan.

I also added about a tablespoon of dried fruit and nuts just to mix it up a bit.

I need to get the tape measure out to do some "before" measuring. I do want to lose 4-5kg on the scales, but since I seem to be able to lose 3kg over the course of two days, and then regain it, I think a tape measure might be a bit more reliable way of measuring results.

Here is a relatively vague weekly workout plan for the next month or so:
Sunday - 30 min light run
Monday - 40 min tempo run plus Body Attack or Body Pump (or both!)
Tuesday - double-class Pump and Combat
Wednesday - CanToo track session (will add a class in here during the day soon)
Thursday - Cardio plus Pump
Friday - rest day
Saturday - long run plus strength training (pump or weights)

Need to try to get to the Core class at the gym - there's one at Friday lunchtime so might try that one.

Okay, off to face the work day.

A new class and OUCH

2010-06-10T22:27:00.003+10:00

Oh boy, my abs are killing me. In that SERIOUS way where it hurts to laugh, cough, sneeze, yawn, stretch and ... yeah, everything hurts. What've I done? I did the Body Core class at Fitness First. Holy moly. At the time I definitely felt like it was working, although to be honest I found myself so frustrated through-out most of the class at my lack of balance and general core strength that I was too busy hacking on myself (mentally, not literally) that I managed to ignore most of the pain.

I will DEFINITELY be putting this one into the weekly rotation though, I think it will do me wonders combined with everything else.

So, since last Saturday here's what I've done:
Sat: run 16km
Sun: body attack class
Mon: whoot, a movie! And nothing else as I was SICK
Tues: body combat
Wed: Core
Thur: Pump

Tomorrow I won't be able to squeeze a class or run in as I have to get to work early so that I may leave SUPER early to get myself to the airport on time.

I have decided to have a break weekend from serious exercise. Since I am having a break from Sydney, I thought it was a good time to have a break from running/gym etc. And I will be in Wagga without my beloved car so I imagine there will be some walking done.

From Monday, however, it's back on the serious straight and narrow for three months. I am tossing up trying Michelle Bridges' 12 week challenge or whatever it's called, it's not a huge spend and - who knows - I might pick up some tips or, if nothing else, some motivation.

Did an incredibly stupid thing yesterday and today, although it's partially not my fault as I did not have much of an option. I wore two skirts that were really a teeny bit too small right now. Not catastrophically tight, nothing split or anything, but I just felt horrible, uncomfortable and, well, fat. It kind of made me miserable but I'm determined now to turn that feeling into a positive by making it my motivation to stay on course next week.

Seriously, a month of good behaviour and I will be heading in the right direction, I really think I just need to clear my head out of the city with some good friends and I will feel much better.

Oh, and sleep is important too ... so, goodnight!

What I know...

2010-06-08T23:03:00.004+10:00

not much, essentially! But I do know what's right, for me, and what's wrong.

Mentioned previously how I had a baaaad week for food, not completely disastrous but certainly up there on the bad carbs ranking. And whoah, is it hitting my body! Weight hasn't substantially changed, yet, but I am feeling an extra kg or so in the stomach area. Oh joy.

So, here's what I know. I absolutely need a low-er carb diet. I refuse to go with no carbs because - hello - training for a half marathon and a zero carb diet just won't cut it. That being said, on Saturday I went for a 16km run (admittedly at a slower pace than I usually would) without carbing it up the night before and without my usual morning prep. AND I had a cold/sore throat thing. So, I think I'm getting fitter.

Anyhoo, obviously the pizza/thai week was super bad, but I have definitely let more carbs into my life than I need to. I really want to trim down those extra KGs for the next half-marathon, which is four weeks away, AND even moreso for the September half-marathon.

Number one, is to cut the booze. Empty carbs and calories. Yeah, alright, I enjoy it - but I have really been going way overboard. A bottle of wine on the average big night out - that's a whoooole lotta calories. This weekend is my last hurrah, as I'm heading for a wine tasting event, but after that - I'm on the dry and narrow. Hee hee.

Number two, cut the bloody biscuits. God damn biscuit jar at work. It gets me all the time. Some days one, some two, one day I had FOUR - holy jeezus, and I don't even eat them at home.

Obviously, I can do some little treats ... problem is I keep forgetting what I've already had because it's that "mindless eating", where you're just shoving stuff in and not really thinking about it or enjoying it. It would be much better if I saved the biscuit enjoyment for when I was home, tucked up on the couch, and not sitting in front of my desk at work stressing over the next piece of work that needs to be done.

Number three, veggies in all their forms. This is what works for me. I am giving myself free reign to essentially eat as much as I want of the following at all meals (excluding breakfast): cucumber, lettuce, spinach, carrot, zucchini, brussel sprouts, capsicum, celery, beans/peas, tomato, mushrooms ... and whatever else I've forgotten. Here's what I know works for me food wise: huuuuuge stack of veggies, small chicken breast/steak/lamb chops/tofu/fish, a potato/half a sweet potato/half a cut of rice/pasta, plus a splash of sauce. I stuck to that for a loooong time for lunch and dinner (although lunch I'd often swap the potato/rice etc for a bread roll. So I'm going back to what works.

Number four, detecting hunger. Previously, I would think about whether I was actually hungry (ie: what I had eaten/done that day etc) or if I was bored/tired/stressed etc. It took a while to adapt, but eventually I could actually control my hunger. Hah, no more! These days I often don't even give myself a chance to think before I'm shoving something (not always bad) inside my mouth. So, like when I quit another bad habit, when I feel the urge to eat instead I will: drink a cup of green/herbal tea, drink a litre of water or similar. Once I have done that and waited 10 minutes, if I still feel like eating I can have something.

Number five, don't think. I used to have a way of tricking myself (I've mentioned this before) so I didn't eat things I shouldn't. I would just say loudly, in my mind, NO. I didn't have that debate with myself - because man, I am soooo good at talking up the positives of getting that piece of banana bread with honeycomb butter. I just said no. And no, meant no. The minute I felt my brain starting to go into pro-con mode, I said NO again. Sounds crazy, but it really worked.

Example. Tonight after work I couldn't do my pump/combat double as I got stuck back at work late. I did combat, however. I had a protein drink thingy, which is about 300 calories, telling myself when I got home I would just have a piece of fruit for dinner. I don't get home until about 9pm anyway on Tuesdays. So, I got home - cold and tired after a bit of a shocker of a bus ride, and was all geared up for soup. It's not bad soup, it's really v. light and healthy, but I didn't need it! Instead, I ate an apple. It was a big kick-ass apple I can tell you, but that was all I needed. Then I had a nice hot choc - with honey and cocoa. And yeah, totally satisfied. Stick to the no!

Hmm, I think that's it.

Deep down, I know what works. Lately I have been doing this pathetic "oh, I don't know why these extra KGs are creeping on, blah blah genetics crap crap". I do know! Sure, some people could do what I do - exercise wise - and eat much worse than me and be thinner. Tough sh*t. I can't. For whatever reason I have an unforgiving metabolism where I really cannot let those little incidents happen.

I have been remembering this moment from 2006. It was an awesome moment. It's quite narcisistic, so apologies. But understand, only 12 months prior to this event I had weighed at least 25kg more and was unhealthy and miserable. Anyhoo, I was in Newtown and was walking up to meet some friends at the pub (where I was going to sip on a single gin and tonic - lower cals - and chat). I was wearing my first pair of size 10 jeans and a size M singlet (breakthrough), and I was probably about 3kg lighter but a lot fitter and more toned than where I am now. Back then I did A LOT more cross training as I wasn't doing the half-marathon stuff - an average week for me involved running 35km all up, doing 11 gym classes split between pump and combat, plus some extra cardio stuff.

So anyhoo, I was walking along in Newtown on a stinking hot summer's day. The previous summer had been miserable, squeezing into horrible size 16 jeans, sweating like a pig etc and feeling like everything was sticking to me. Which is probably was. I happened to glance in a shop window as I walked by and - narcisism, argh - I was seriously taken aback by my reflection. Were they MY slim thighs? OMG, yes. Was that my tiny, toned waist? Yes! Etc etc.

Flash forward to this week where I have been stunned and horrified by the changes in my body over the last month. Arggggh.

I won't go into it, suffice to say I ain't happy with stuff.

I know I can't essentially go back to 2006. I was younger-ish, but I also worked much differently. While I started at 5am, I finished by 12.30pm and was generally home by 1.30pm. Plenty of time to eat lunch and have a nice two hour nap or so, before heading off to the gym for 5pm or so.

Flash forward to now. Yeah, I start at around 8.30am ... but instead of hoping in a taxi at 4.30am I'm spending 40-50 minutes on public transport. So let's move that back to 7.30am. THEN, I need a bit longer to get ready (used to spend 30 minutes or less) as I have a lot more contact with clients - so let's make that 40 min to an hour to get ready. That's 6.30am. THEN, I finish at around 5.30pm. Plus, I actually have to work a LOT harder as I'm not just doing subbing and moving words around a bit - I'm actually doing STUFF that requires effort and mental energy.

Anyhoo, this is life. Yeah, I need to stop comparing - for my own sanity, and maybe I can cut myself a teeny bit of slack. Ultimately, however, I need to find a way that works for me - whatever that is. I did it before, and I need to do it again.

Will report back in a week or two, post wine tasting etc. Not that I imagine anyone is reading this, but I would dearly love to look back on this post in three months - at least 5kg lighter and a lot more toned and fit.

Strange fluctuations!

2010-06-05T22:00:00.003+10:00

For the first time in a long time I've been regularly weighing myself, and I think now I remember why. Quite seriously, in the course of four days my weight quite literally fluctuated by three or four kilos. Unbelievable.

I must admit, it's not been a great week body-wise. I really haven't felt like myself. I did Combat on Monday, Pump/Combat double on Tuesday and then was SHATTERED for the next three days. On the Wednesday after the double my calf muscles were sore ... and during the day it got worse and worse and they were just two blocks of knotted muscle. Super painful. I think it was because I had a very busy day where I was sitting down for long blocks. Anyway, they were still agony to the touch three days later.

Thursday and Friday I started to feel tired and sick, scratchy sore throat and very tired. Unfortunately I have faaar too much on at work at the moment to take a day off, and I am only a few weeks (well, five I think) away from the Gold Coast half so I must keep the KMs and exercise up.

Ran 16km this morning with some of the CanToo crew. I ran at a slower pace than I would usually say is comfortable for me, but it was fun to run as a group and chat along the way. Supposed to be doing another hour/10km tomorrow but we shall see if I can manage that.

Think the weight fluctuations are to do with weird TOTM, had a demonic ovary month with shocking cramps and mood swings. But who knows.

I managed to do better with food this week - much, much better than the previous week of pizza, Thai and repeat. Next week, though, will be even better as I'm just going to stick to veg, lean meat/tuna, fruit and low GI carbs. Hopefully this will help things energy-wise as I always feel better when I eat cleanly. I guess it's nice to deviate every now and then though, if only to remind myself of why I stick on the straight and narrow.

Think I have really been doing a bit too much, not so much this week as over previous weeks and months. Looking in my diary I have barely had a weekend where there's not been 1001 things to be done for many months. Late nights, no relaxing between flat out weeks and work with stress and huge work loads.

Ahhh, I really just need to go back to basics - which is the best thing to do at times like this. Simple food, good sleep, exercise, stretching - and repeat.

Depending on which day it is, I'm anywhere between 2kg and 5kg away from where I'd really like to be. I feel confident, though, that with a month of good behaviour things should sort themselves out. Must get my tape measure out, as I've always found that a much better gauge of things.

Ouch and refocus

2010-05-17T13:40:00.001+10:00

The SMH Half-Marathon and my first race for 2010 was yesterday, and oooohhh boy was it a) painful, b) challenging, c) fun!, and finally d) a wake up call.

I was very nervous on Saturday, the day before the race, so spent the day cleaning and doing a little bit of shopping. The cleaning was so that when I got home after the race I would be able to relax rather than worry about needing to clean the house. I also changed the sheets on my bed, so I would have those deliciously clean fresh sheets to sleep in. In the evening a few members of my CanToo group gathered for dinner at one of their houses, for a spot of carb loading and nerve calming. I think this is where I made a bit of a mistakes, eating a bit more than I really wanted to (but oh, it was delish). I slept pretty well once I got my brain to stop going through the details of the next day - what time I was getting up, where I was parking, what time the train was etc. Thankfully I'd had a great sleep on Friday night, so I still felt pretty fresh when I woke up.

Early start on Race Day. Alarm was set for 4.30am but I was wide awake at 4am and decided to get up and moving. Breakfast was two pieces of soy and linseed bread with peanut butter and banana, plus a strong coffee to wake me up and get things going. Because I was nervous, this didn't sit so well! Think I will go back to porridge from now on.

I was giving four people a lift from my place. It was great travelling in with them as they helped to take my mind off the race, we had fun taking picks at the train station and on the train too, making jokes and talking about everything except running!

We got to the start line nice and early, plenty of time to go to the toilet without having to wait for 20 minutes in a queue and put bags into the bag check, which can be a little hectic when there are 10,000-plus people in the race. I love the atomsphere at big races, there are people from all different walks of life, and different fitness and ability levels, and they're all so excited and alive - up bright and early on a Sunday to run 21.1km instead of sleeping in bed, drinking coffee or reading the paper (which sounds pretty good when you're shivering at 6.30am standing around in your running gear).

We did a good warm up, stretching session and got some last words of advice from our coach, who is a legend and a running inspiration. After getting a big group photo with the wider CanToo group the 1h55min "bus", as we were calling ourselves, headed up to the startline. Last year I started waaaay back in the pack and, as a consequence, was constantly dodging and weaving to try to get past people, so this year I was determined to get closer to the start to avoid the slower congestion. It was a good move, as I didn't find myself doing quite as much sideways running, which I find very tiring.

It was great running with the "bus", which initially included my good friend Sam, two great guys from the group - Ben and Mike - and our coach. The banter was light and supportive, we were all monitoring how everyone was feeling about the pace etc. Our first km was a bit over our average km pace goal of 5.27min, but we picked it up on the next one. Unfortunately at about the 7km mark or so we lost Sam as she ran into the Marriot hotel for an urgent bathroom stop. The poor thing has had lots of problems lately getting bad stomach cramps during running which result in her needing to find a bathroom ASAP! I wanted to stop with her, but I knew I'd never get back on track so stuck with the bus. At the 8km mark our coach got off the bus to drop back and catch up with some of the other runners from our group, but it was great to have him for those 8km.

I took my first Gu/gel at this point which is where everything went a bit pear shaped. I take these gels all the time, but for some reason yesterday it just did not sit well. I possibly should've drunk some more water, but I'm not sure that would've helped. I stuck with the bus - just - until about 13km, when I started feeling dizzy. It's quite a strange sensation to feel dizzy when you're running, but my face started tingling and I was actually worried I was going to faint. So I took a bit of a water/walking break at one of the water stations. So I got off the bus! I was totally peeved at myself, but I was determined not to let it stop me from finishing or getting in under two hours.

At about 18km I hit the wall big time. My hamstrings cramped and my feet were in agony, think it's time for some new shoes. I really desperately wanted to stop, but I managed to keep putting one foot in front of each other - just! Thankfully at about the 20km mark I caught up with one of the guys from the bus. Mike was struggling just as much as I was, but we managed to motivate each other for the last KM and we both finished in about 1h59min! I was STOKED. And very proud of myself for finishing when I was in sooo much pain.

I was on pretty wobbly legs, and feeling quite dizzy again. I probably needed another gel at about 16km or so, but I was feeling so sick that I just couldn't face it. I got to the bag pick-up area and thankfully didn't have to wait too long for my bag. Wandered around and located some food - got an apple, mandarin and two Powerbars. Plus some water. I really wanted Gatorade but there were a million people queuing up for it so I decided to stick with water. I located the CanToo tent in the recovery village and caught up with some of my team mates. This gave me another great boost of energy, seeing their smiling faces - flushed from the exercise and glowing with pride, especially the people who had never done a half-mara before and who didn't think they could ever do one.

So, that's the long-winded race report - and the ouch!

The second part of this post is my re-focus. I've been struggling with diet lately and, dang, it's showing. So I've decided it's time to tighten things up a bit. No more letting things slide and not worrying about the extra biscuit, beer, coffee (with sugar) etc. I have some goals, but I won't mention them just yet as I want to do some measurements and serious planning in terms of food and set some restrictions around alcohol and going out to dinner and stuff like that.

Anyhoo, I'm off to see the Sea Eagles take on the Eels tonight, so I'm going to make a smoothie and then get some extra sleep.

Man stuff

2010-05-10T17:12:00.004+10:00

In other news, men are extremely confusing types.

On Saturday I met "the new guy" for what he describes as "non-alcohol based behaviour". Which I was cool with. Most of our dates have revolved around drinking wine or eating, which in my mind was GREAT as I love wine and I only think that once I really stepped over the line between being tipsy (and still capable of coherent/intelligent conversation) and drunk, and HE was drunk too.

He has dropped a few comments about it, which has bothered me a bit. I am comfortable with my alcohol intake levels and I have never gone beyond the point of control, EVER. I have decided to let existing comments go, they were in the vein of seeing a preview on TV for 60 Minutes or A Current Affair (can't remember which) featuring a special on teenage binge drinking and him asking me if I was a teenager binge drinker. I soooo wasn't, so naturally I said "no", to which he replied "huh, what happened?" Idiot. I would like to believe he was just being provocative (it worked), so just laughed, but if it comes up again I'm thinking that he has some opinion on my drinking and I'll ask him exactly what he'd like to say.

So that's one current point of annoyance. It's probably just a personality thing. It's just that he seems to have this way of managing to exclude his behaviour from judgement and focus on mine. Hellooo, it wasn't like I was there drinking by myself.

NOT going to allow it to cloud my judgement as I am PMSing a bit and that always makes me a bit prickly about these sort of things.

Just one more vent though. We went to dinner - as part of a paid-for work event put on by a client. My role as a food writer and editor is to assess everything and try pretty much everything so that I can comment on it. We were at a progressive dinner that went to various restaurants in Sydney for each course - nibbles at one, main at another, dessert somewhere else etc. So, at the restaurant for the main course we were served this amaaazing hand-made pasta. It was to die for. There was also, however, this delicious and fluffy looking homemade bread - served with chilli oil (my favourite). I'd commented on how good the pasta was, but I really wanted to try the bread as it looked amazing. I was served a huge wedge of it, but I only ate a tiny corner of it - and it and the chilli oil were both simply DELICIOUS. As I commented on how good it was, he says to me "why don't you just have more pasta instead of eating the bread". WTF? What's it to him? We weren't paying, I had brought him along as a "colleague" so he was there for 100% free (whereas I have to write something about it).

Urgh, to be honest, I am thinking these are not good signs but - also to be honest - I want to determine that it's not just a range of other things including: me PMSing, reading too much into things, looking for things to fault in self-protection behaviour, etc etc.

I am well-known for my self-protection behaviour. These days, I am better at spotting it ... but the first major case of it was a few years ago when I had been with my ex for about six weeks I absolutely LOST IT at him one night and ran off in a huff. No idea what sparked it now. But that was classic self-protection behaviour because I knew we were getting "close" and I was starting to freak out about putting myself in that situation where I was vulnerable and someone could hurt me. As it turns out of course he WAS very bad for me - emotionally manipulative, insecure and more, so perhaps I should've trusted my instincts?

Hmm, anyway, I am trying (after this post of course) not to think too much about it, because I can be my own worst enemy - talking myself into and out of things.

We shall see.

Feeling better

2010-05-10T17:00:00.004+10:00

Saturday morning's run on the SMH half-marathon course worked wonders! It was a simply stunning autumn morning, cool and crisp air, clear skies and a light breeze. Unfortunately, I still felt pretty dreadful due to coldy/sinus thingy, but I decided to run with some of my teammates on 5.30min/km pacing to see if I could manage it for the half.

Unlike last week when we bolted off the startline - which resulted in us running several KMs at 5min pacing or under and me having to drop back to a more reasonable 5.40min/km pace - we took it out easy. We ran the first km in a very moderate 5.55min, which was needed as we were all creaking and groaning a bit trying to warm up. From there, we kicked it up to sit between 5.20min and 5.35min kms for the rest of the run (around 10.5km), which one accidental 5.13min km which was my fault (started running hard up a hill and kept that pace).

While I know I won't be too devastated if I don't run 1hr 55min, I REALLY want to and I really think I can do it if I stick with these guys. I felt great until about the 50minute mark (we finished in 56.20mins) and I could not have turned around and done it all again. With water, energy gel, a bit of carb loading the night before etc I think it's definitely achievable. I also like running with these two guys, they're both just top-notch fellas who manage to motivate you in a very subtle way. No yelling or cliched phrases (pain is weakness leaving the body - not helpful at the 19km mark), just quiet support and the fact that they have faith in you and believe you can do it. It works wonders!

My coldy/sinus thingy is lingering and ANNOYING me, but I am determined to shift it this week with a bit of sensible behaviour - sleeping more than six hours a night, good food, no alcohol etc.

Super excited!

Running, gyming, working and a new man

2010-05-07T21:23:00.002+10:00

Well, another long stint of AWOL behaviour from me. Not without just cause. Work has naturally gone mental and I feel like I spent most of April putting out spot fires and chasing myself around. While I naturally love long weekends, having shorter weeks (but the same amount of work to do) is not ideal. The good news, however, is that I had a very successful April in that I met all of my targets and kicked some great goals, putting together some great content for my websites (articles, slideshows etc). So, big tick there.

Training for my next half has been mixed. I have really been struggling with tight ITBs and sore knees, plus motivation in general. I am feeling a bit burnt out, physically and mentally, from early mornings to get a run in or to get to the gym before work (which means a 5.30am wake-up), and the group I am training with - with CanToo - well, we just haven't gelled as well as with other groups. There is also a strange resentment between what's called Wave A and B.

It's pretty obvious, but Wave A are the runners who are slightly more experienced and faster, and Wave B are either beginners or more social runners (or just like to take it a bit easier). I am by no stretch of the imagination a fast runner, I am just middle of the pack but I push myself quite hard and don't like to mess around too much if that makes sense. I mean, I still have great fun with it and love chatting to my friends while we run - but I'm there to "do the business" and get on with my day. Anyway, Wave A really only consists of about six people compared with 21 people in Wave B and we have had to deal with some weird comments and attitude. I think they think that we think less of them, when in fact they inspire us because they all push so hard and have improved sooo much. Ahh, anyway. Not long to go now.

So, slightly injury-plagued plus weird inter-group tensions, lots of work and a few too many big weekends, means I really am not feeling ready for the run. I initially had aimed to run it in under 1hr55min or at least better than my pb of 1hr57min, but now I will be happy to a) finish and b) run in under two hours. Plus, I am determined to maintain a better attitude than my last half-marathon or this race last year, when I let horrible negative self-talk get the better of me. Basically, I was really hurting and I got stuck in a loop of self-hate.

Anyway, this is the first one for the year, and I plan to do three more so there's plenty of time to get to 1hr55min.

In other much more exciting news, I've been seeing a new man. And it really is exciting, but in a more grown up way. I am not crazily lust-filled, like I have previously been at this stage (two month mark) in other "situations" (refuse to say relationships). At the same time, however, I definitely lust after him! I would say that he really crept up on me, I mean, we met on RSVP so we met on a date but initially I really didn't think I was interested. But, we had such a great time together that we agreed to be friends and still catch up. By the third date of great conversation and lots of laughs I started to get the feeling that I was interested in more than just friends, and so was he. And, yay, he was/is!

It's weird, because he's not what I would ever have described as "my type" of guy. While he's not adverse to exercise, it's not a big part of his day to day life. Whereas it pretty much forms the backbone of mine and I am usually really only interested in guys who am sporty/active. But he's still super strong and much fitter than you would expect. He has an active job, so that would help.

Secondly, he's a very gentle, sweet type of guy. Of course, I like sweet guys, but because I am a very strong and independent type of person, I've always felt a bit uncomfortable around guys who don't strike me as being strong and confident. His quietly spoken, slightly shy nature, however, is not the real him though! He is definitely a quietly confident and strong guy, but he's thoughtful and considerate, and has a lovely gentle nature. Already he's impressed me and put a huge smile on my face (even now) by doing incredibly thoughtful things. You know, he suggests places to go for dinner, makes bookings at restaurants instead of just taking pot-luck, buys tickets for shows, and when he cooked me dinner he made an extra effort to make sure it was super-healthy and fat-free. It wasn't THE best, because he served me about three-times as much food as I would ever eat in one go, but the effort he went to to make something I would like pleased me more than any $500 night at a restaurant.

I have been trying not to talk or gush about it too much as I don't want to jinx things, but I feel like things are heading in the right direction - at a steady but slow pace (which I like) - so putting it out there in the cosmos won't do any harm.

And in between running, gyming and meeting a new guy, I've been loving reading everyone's blogs and seeing them overcome their own challenges and working towards their goals. Totally inspirational.

One Month Count Doooown

2010-04-17T22:35:00.003+10:00

Counting down. We're in the real business end of training for the SMH half-marathon. It's exactly one month tomorrow! Today we did 18km. Let me make that, 18 HARD km! We ran along a gorgeous track through the Lane Cove National Park. Stunning scenery, lovely and cool to be out of the sun (which was quite hot today when there was no breeze) holy cow, it was intense. There were some horrendous up-hill sections which involved stairs. Not your nice concrete stairs, but bush-stairs - rocks, wooden steps twice or three times as wide as other your standard step. TWO sets! Yeowch. Finally, at the 9km turn-around there was a seriously bad-ass hill. Practically vertical. Argh! My coach even said to me that it was the hardest course he'd ever run!

This comes after some big training weeks on the track. Last week was 8x400m, this week was 12 laps of "straights and curves" - 100m hard, 100m easy, 100m hard and 100m easy then a lap recovery. All up, it was 24 laps, plus four for warm-up. I was sooo tired afterwards I could barely speak. Oh, plus we had fifteen seconds recovery in between sets and were running them in under 5.20min.

Right now, I'm struggling a bit because work has been very very busy and I'm finding myself snacking on things I really shouldn't be. However, I am refusing to panic. Still four weeks to the race and I'm confident I can drop a good 3kg. I just need to stop the bad snacking as everything else is pretty good. Plus, the team have gone "dry" for the last month of training. Not that we drink a LOT, but just to give ourselves a bit of a booze break, save some calories AND some cashola! I am looking forward to the challenge, although I have given myself a pass for a night or two.

I should add that last weekend, after a 16km training run, a friend and I went on a 25km overnight hike. More stunning countryside, but it was a notoriously hard track with lots of big climbs up mountain-sides and down steep cliffs and the like. By Sunday evening, I had easily done 42km if you include walking to and from train stations and the like. Which, I will admit, was not the best way of preparing for the big training sessions this week.

So, no more hikes until AFTER the race. Swim tomorrow morning to attempt to loosen up what feels like atrophied legs, Mondays are a 7km tempo run, Tuesday morning is Pump, Wednesday is track work, Thursdays Pump and Friday is a DAY OFF, then Saturday is the training run. Next week is 18km next week and then the following two we start a taper with two weeks of 11km.

I am hoping that making a big diet change in terms of snacks and really making sure my lunches and dinners are spot on (breakfast is sorted - I usually just have porridge made with water and skim milk).

Fingers crossed I can slim things down a bit as after two recent hikes, I've really learnt to appreciate the difference a few kilos makes to carry around.

A few break-throughs

2010-03-16T17:16:00.004+11:00

Well, it's been all systems go here for the last few weeks. Work is work is work, and it's a mad house as always. There have been some moments of extreme stress - on a level I've never experienced - in the past few weeks, to the point where I was ready to tell my manager I simply couldn't do what she was asking me to.

Naturally, I just knuckled down in a major way and got the job done. There is light at the end of the tunnel ... it's a distant light, but I am focussed on it.

That's the bad stuff, which is good because it's getting better.

The good and great stuff! Number one, on Monday I had a break-through run. I've been training, hard, for the May half-marathon for five weeks and up until Monday I had felt like I was really struggling to run well. Not technique-wise, but in terms of feeling horrible and heavy on my feet and generally un-running fit. On Monday, despite the fact I was sooo sore from serious Pump class on Sunday plus walking lots in high heels on Sunday afternoon, I went for a 5km tempo run and ... it felt good! I had that great feeling of having energy even while I was pushing myself up a hill. Whoo hoo! Which is good, great even, because tomorrow's running session is 8x400m sprints, which are enough to bring me to tears and/or to my knees. Hopefully they won't be quite as evil.

Number two breakthrough, twice I stopped myself from being ... well, misused is the wrong word, but "messed around" by guys. Firstly, on Friday a guy who I have seen twice rang me to try to move our date from Friday to Sunday. Firstly, he knew I was busy on Sunday as my family were in town. Secondly, he had done the exact same thing the week before. So I said "no" it wasn't okay and, in fact, I didn't want to see him. Not on Sunday, and not again. And I didn't. I realise things come up, but I really felt like he was on the verge of messing me around.

The second time was a guy who I dated agggges ago and it just sort of fell away. No funny business, but there was potential. Well he has TWICE called me for an impromptu catch up, but I have refused as it's obvious whoever he has been seeing in the interim has lost interest and now he's just going for what HE thinks, no doubt, is second best. Pfft, that so is not happening.

It may sound minor, but for me it's a big deal to recognise what's going on and not allow myself to be used for anything - even if it's just for company or killing time if you know what I mean. I have far too much going on to be wasting time with guys who are just wanting to waste my time.

Heh, okay, rant over.

Taking my own advice!

2010-02-25T14:20:00.003+11:00

A few years ago a friend of mine who had a significant amount of weight to lose came to me asking for advice on how to lose a large amount of weight. I had recently lost 20kg in about four months through extremely healthy eating and exercise and she was just looking for a bit of inspiration/motivation.

This conversation came back to me last night as I looked at myself in the mirror in some horror, noticing some of my problem areas are really becoming more of a problem than they have been for about four years. Yikes. I seriously was on the verge of a panic attack. Negative thoughts about how I was going to end up back where I started - overweight and miserable - and have to start all over again.

After taking a series of deep breaths I decided freaking out was not going to help matters AT ALL, and what I needed was to take steps to get back on track. Step one was to jump on the scale to see the damage. It's really NOT that bad, but the problem is all the weight is sitting on my stomach and thighs - my problem areas - and that's where I always look. It's about 3kg that I want/need to lose, nothing too drastic I guess but on my short frame it makes a big difference.

My second step was to think about the advice I gave my friend. Basically, it was not to think too much about losing X amount of weight, rather it was breaking it all down into days. Each day - when I was on my first mission - I would barely permit myself to think about where I would be in a month or at the end of the month, I only thought about getting through the day - eating healthily, eating clean, going for a run/to the gym etc. For me, this worked because I didn't freak out about how HARD the weeks and months might be, I just thought about each day.

I apply a similar approach to running. Right now, I don't think I could run a half-marathon. Or, if I could, I would struggle badly and suffer even more badly the next day. However, if I focus on doing my weekly track sessions, one long run a week (increasing by 10 percent each week) plus a tempo run, a cardio session, weights session (times two) each week, I can handle it much more easily and don't freak out. Further, I break the week down - Monday is (at the moment) a 5km tempo run with some biiiig hills, Tuesday is Pump, Wednesday is my track running session, Thursday is cardio plus Pump, Friday is my rest day, Saturday is my long run plus weights and Sunday is a cardio recovery session plus a swim. Plus I try to do a core workout every second morning - just for 15 minutes or so - plus stretching my ITBs and hamstrings every day.

This is what's manageable. I just need to calm down and turn things around.

So, there you go, I'm taking my own advice. Any other advice/suggestions greatly appreciated.

Endings and new beginnings

2010-02-10T13:58:00.003+11:00

I did my fifth and last official ocean swim for the season on Sunday, rounding it off with the 2km race at the Cole Classic. The weather was dreadful, raining and windy. The swell at Manly Beach, where the race was supposed to be held, was huge. So dangerous that the beach was actually closed, and the race was moved to the much more protected Shelley Beach. Which was all good with me!

I had arrived early for the 1km race because some of the less confident swimmers in our group were hoping for people to swim along with them. The weather kept a few of them away, however, so I didn't have to! I was secretly relieved as I was feeling a bit run down and tired, so I'm not sure I would've been especially helpful to them!

It was an absolutely massive day though, something like 4,300 people had registered for the race, but on the day I think there were less than 4,000 finishers as people opted to stay inside rather than brave the rain. My wave - the women 30-39 - was huuuge. It wasn't a tough course, mainly because the water was relatively calm for most of the race, but there were SEVEN cans/buoys to locate and swim around. Gah! It was ridiculous, constantly looking up and trying to see where I was swimming next. Thankfully I don't I swam TOO far off course, although a good extra hundred metres or two.

The finish, however, was the highlight. I tried out a technique I'd read about on a triathlon website, somewhere, about what to do to prevent the jelly legs feeling after a swim. Basically, you kick REALLY hard to get the blood flowing back into your legs, and breathe more frequently, taking in lots of extra oxygen. It worked! No jelly legs for me. I felt like I powered up the beach, feeling great. And the cheers from the CanToo crowd were fantastic! It felt amazing to be part of such a great organisation raising $$ for cancer research. We've recently hit the $4m mark, how awesome is that!

I cheered on my friends and training buddies, feeling somewhat bittersweet about it all. It was like "yay, we've finished" and "damn, we've finished" because there is no more swim program. Boo hoo. We had a BBQ at Manly Wharf afterwards and I think we were all feeling very emotional, such a relief for it to be over but we were sad that we weren't going to see each other as much. I'll admit, that I went home, had a shower and sat on the couch in my PJs for the afternoon. Something I rarely do! Made the somewhat catastrophic mistake of watching some Disney-esque family movie with Tom Selleck (helloooo) in it, with a very happy ending ... baah, cue waterworks. Managed to pull myself together though. Damn hormones.

So, that was the ending. I am still feeling sad about the swim finishing, despite the fact that in about four hours the run program starts! With the CanToo crew again, I am addicted! It's quite obvious, ha ha. A lot of my former running and swimming buddies will be joining me and I am looking forward to really challenging myself. I mean, every half marathon program is a challenge but I really think I can have a good running year if I can stay healthy and injury-free. My goal is to run four half-marathons this year, and at least one in under 1hr 55mins. My closest was 1hr 57mins and I nearly killed myself in the process. Well, no, not true. I actually was running on target until the 13km mark when I was hit by a terrible case of ... self loathing I think you could call it. I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and a range of horrible and negative thoughts flooded my brain.

I would also like to lose a good 5kg I think. I was analysing myself this morning and I think 5kg will put me where I'd like to be. It's healthy eating 101 here. No junk, just wholegrains for breakfast, fruit, salad etc and all homemade stuff. Slight slip up this morning with vegemite toast on turkish bread ... and just had a low-fat smoothie which I probably didn't really need.

Also going to start doing at least two spin classes a week plus three Bikram classes. Both in the mornings to free up the evenings for running and Pump. Let's see how we go!

The Big Swim

2010-02-03T10:49:00.004+11:00

On Sunday, 31st of January, I completed the 2.7km Palm to Whale Beach swim that I have been training for since November 2009. The conditions were pretty good, all things considered, but it was still one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The swell was pretty big, with two to three metre waves ... which if you're just bobbing around, is great. But when you're swimming out and around a headland it's exhausting. Like being on a rollercoaster and you have to work extra hard going up and over the waves. Nothing, however, compares to when you actually get to the headland. It was like being in a washing machine, smashed by the waves on the left side of your body, and then the water was all churned up from the backwash of the waves hitting the headland.

It took me just under an hour, which is what I was aiming for, so I was happy in that regard. I was lucky because I didn't get sea sick which some of my teammates did. Urgh. Cannot imagine anything worse.

Anyway, I have one last race on Sunday which is 2km and not nearly as tough as it's in a sheltered beach rather than swimming out into the open water. I am looking forward to it, but I am quite relieved that swim season is about to end and running will start. I have really bulked up around the shoulders and chest! None of my tops fit ... well, a lot of them don't, and I feel like a man. I am going to keep swimming, but will keep it more around 1km a session rather than 3km or so. Really just more as recovery than fitness.

In general, everything has bulked up! More muscular legs and back. My core is stronger, but everything seems bigger! The scales haven't really moved though, so not sure if I've lost fat and put on muscle or if I'm just imagining things.

No rest for the wicket, however, as I've signed up to do my Bronze Medallion with the Newport SLSC. Should be a huge challenge, because clearly I don't like setting myself huge challenges (ha ha). On top of two sessions for that a week, I am also starting training for my first half-marathon for 2010 next week. I am really looking foward to that too ... going for 1hr55min again. Got so close last year!

I've been reading up on boosting your metabolism, naturally. Still very confuzzled by it all. Think I might try seeing a new nutritionist. But then, I figure I should be able to work it out all by myself.

Confuzed

2010-01-19T14:55:00.006+11:00

If any random person reading this can help me ... please do!

How much should I be eating? Last year I saw a nutritionist in an attempt to trim down ahead of my first half-marathon for 2009. Her advice was a low GI diet, with around 1300 to 1500 calories a day. In terms of exercise, on an average week I do:

3 x running sessions (two 30-40 mins, one 60mins)
3 x swimming sessions (three pool, one surf)
Pump x 2
Bikram x 2

Obviously I double up sometimes :)

Anyhoo, I spoke to a friend of mine who is a PT who worked out my base metabolic rate (or something) and she said based on those figures (which included height, weight, activity level, age) I should be eating more like 2,000 calories a day!

What the? And she suggested that I wasn't eating enough, which was slowing my metabolism down, which was why I was having trouble with random weight gain.

Does this sound vaguely plausible? I'm so confuzed. Situation normal really, but if I'm doing the absolute wrong thing, I'd love to know!

Argh.

The de-clutter

2010-01-11T11:51:00.004+11:00

I am now ready to face the new decade (don't start with me about it not being the new decade, I am calling it the new decade - the end!) after spending a good chunk of the glorious weekend cleaning up my flat.

I should say, that at no point is it ever terribly dirty. It's just messy because it's tiny and I have a lot of stuff. Plus, I tend to be quite sentimental with things so find it hard to throw them away. Not on the weekend! I did have reinforcements though, in the form of my mum and dad. Ahh yes, it's sad but I think they quite enjoyed it - especially bossing me around! I didn't work them too hard, but they helped me to be more objective about things. I got rid of old linen and towels, or at least got them out of the house. I did a major clothing audit and got rid of anything that was old, didn't fit (either too big or way too small), I didn't wear for whatever reason etc etc. It was impressive. I did the same to my rather impressive shoe collection, and threw out seven pairs! Most of them were old, or ones that I had bought on the spur of the moment and ignored the fact they were inappropriate/uncomfortable etc.

Ahh, brilliant. Then I gave the house a major clean from top to bottom, including borrowing my mum's fancy steam mop to do the bathroom and kitchen. Both are tiny, so it took about three minutes to do. But it feels great.

I feel totally cleansed! I also ordered some new bookshelves, which are coming this weekend, so I can finally sort out my books. I love books and refuse to throw them away, but they are currently scattered through-out the house. One small bookshelf, two boxes, and a stack of about 15 next to my bed.

Phew.

So, running has been converted to swimming for a little while until the running training season starts properly in February. I did a 2km ocean race at Newport last weekend. The weather was HORRENDOUS. Windy, raining, cold and a big heavy swell with 2m waves that were dumping right on the beach. I may be mad, but I loved it. Aside from anything else, it was warmer in the water than outside it - especially when in a swimming costume. About halfway through I found myself marvelling at the amazing feeling of going over the big hump of a wave, being lifted up and gently sliding down it. Feeling fit and healthy, swimming 2km at 10am on a wet and cold Sunday morning when a good proportion of Sydney-siders were still tucked up in bed or, at the very least, inside enjoying a hot cup of tea or coffee.

I hate swimming much less than I did two months ago, but I am still really looking forward to getting back into serious running. I've been picking it up a bit myself, and have a fair way to go to get as fit (in terms of running) as I would like to be before training starts.

Anyway, here's to a de-cluttered 2010 and decade.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T12:52:00.004+11:00

I have waved goodbye to a very challenging year and welcomed in a fresh new one from Cockatoo Island in Sydney Harbour. It was an awesome evening. Didn't drink too much, just a moderate amount. Camped out under the stars, which was just lovely - mild night, light breeze to keep the air fresh. I decided to just sleep on a yoga mat, as it was easier to carry than an air mattress or similar. Wish I'd taken a better pillow though, just used a fleece top which didn't really do much. Means today is pretty much a write off as my neck is soooo unbelievably sore and I'm so tired from no sleep. I did a 1.8km swim yesterday morning though, and have done a fair bit of walking today so it's not so bad.

Christmas with the family was fantastic. Naturally we all ate far too much food, but it was good and Christmas only comes once a year ... thank god!

I am trying not to be disappointed with myself at the moment. I'm starting the year off pretty much where I was at the beginning of 2009, about 5kg heavier than where I want to be! I feel like I should give myself a break though because I'm still struggling to develop a functional routine around my new work hours AND get used to my new job. I haven't been going too crazy, but I think I'm just the type of person who cannot afford to slack off at all. I just need to get back to much lighter eating.

I initially freaked out a bit and started looking at detox diets, nothing too crazy, and diet plans etc but then I realised I know this stuff! I know what I'm doing wrong/right etc and all I need is a bit of extra planning, motivation and focus.

Main focus is to have a "good month". Just one month of eating right, getting MUCH more sleep, more regular exercise and especially need to get back to the gym.

Speaking of sleep... it's time for an early night.

A year in review

2009-12-20T19:42:00.004+11:00

Like most people, at this time of year I'm really assessing 2009 - what I achieved, what I didn't and what I want to do in 2010.

In 2009 I: ran three half-marathons, made some great new friends through CanToo and strengthened friendships made in 2008 in CanToo, did a 40 classes in 60 days Bikram challenge, was made redundant, got a fantastic new job that I love and feel lucky to have landed, and last weekend I swam in my first ocean race!

On a more personal side, I met a married guy who wanted to have an affair with me, I finally broke ties with an ex who - while being a pretty good guy - was bad for me and my self esteem/confidence, gave internet dating a red-hot go, went through a range of good and bad emotions about myself and where I am in life and where I want to be, and turned 31!

I feel like 2009 was a bad year really. A lot of ups and downs emotionally, more than one night crying like an idiot (over men, generally) and doubting myself. I was made redundant from a job that I didn't really like, but worked extremely hard in and was only made redundant due to a personality clash with the boss. From all this, however, I feel like I've really managed to make the best of it, learn and grow. I feel like I am so much stronger for all the sh*t that went on, and in 2010 will use all this experience to drive me.

Naturally, my number one goal for 2010 is to increase AND MAINTAIN fitness. At the beginning of 2009 I went on a huge clean eating and exercise mission, dropped a good dress size/5kg or so and felt fantastic. Around the middle of the year, however, it started slipping. My eating started to slip as I made excuses to eat not so much junk, but the food I just cannot handle - more highly processed stuff basically, and too much sugar/fat and just too much in general. The result was, of course, weight gain, loss of fitness and constantly fighting fatigue.

Of course, you can only do what you can. I was working 10 hour shifts with no break, under a lot of pressure at work and as the company's merger was announced in February but the results/outcome of this weren't known until August I feel like I spent far too many months worrying about the future. I feel like I did the best with the free time I had, but in 2010 with my new job and more civilised hours I can do better.

So, here we are again. Resetting goals. I've been working for the past month or so on rebuilding a fitness base. On Saturday I finally felt like it was working and reminded myself of why I want to get to that higher level of fitness. I went on a 10km run with some of my running group, which has broken up for the swim season. We'd run 9km and I was coming up the last and not insignificant hill, having run up a pretty monstrous hill already without stopping or losing too much speed. About a third of the way up the hill, a break-through, I got a surge of energy! I seriously did, I picked up my pace and powered up that hill feeling fresh and alive. Whoo hoo. I then powered the final km home.

After that, we went off to swim training at Manly beach. We did about 2km, swimming from South Steyne to Shelly, then to Half-Way beach and back. While I was by no means in the front of the pack, I was definitely in the top third of the group. More than that, about 1km into the swim I found myself actually relaxed and enjoying the fact I was swimming well and feeling good. Until Saturday I'd found myself really tense in the water with almost strained breathing, on the verge of panicking or getting upset because I didn't feel good.

So I was stroking along and gave myself a big pat on the back. I've only been swimming again for about five weeks, prior to that it had been about 10 years since I'd done any serious swimming training. As a kid/teen I did a LOT of swimming. Four or five sessions a week, plus surf life saving on the weekends. I had a lot of pressure from my parents to keep doing it and to improve and compete at a higher level. The more pressure they applied, the less I wanted to do it until they finally stopped pushing and I gave up.

But here I am again, almost enjoying swimming training. I still hate the pool sessions, there is nothing to look at but the black line and the chlorine is drying out my skin, hair and irritating my eyes. At the same time, I really like feeling that fitness level come up again. So, I am definitely going to keep swimming while doing my other stuff. I feel like it's really strengthened up my back muscles and is great for all over fitness.

Soooo, that was all a very long winded way of saying that I look forward to regaining that real feeling of fitness. The feeling that your body is just bursting with energy and health and that you can do just about anything. Run, swim, weights, yoga etc etc.

Oh, and I look forward to fitting into my skinny jeans again! Not skinny leg style jeans, that would just be obscene as I have heavily muscled legs and am far too short to pull it off. But obviously I mean my smaller sized jeans that have alluded me since August!

I'm not putting any kg loss target on myself, although secretly if I could lose about 7kg I think I would be at my prime fighting weight and ready to consider the full marathon in September. I know what I need to do to get there. It's not about crazy dieting, for me, it's about much more careful eating and training. And sleep. I must remember to sleep. As I'm not a spring chicken anymore, not that I'm ancient, I need my sleep more than ever before. Gone are the days when I could sleep for four or five hours and expect to feel fantastic. I need at least seven hours to wake up feeling fresh.

More than that, it needs to be good sleep. No eating an hour before bed or sleeping in later to catch up on sleep.

I think it's going to be about routine ... or if not routine, but a rhythm.

While I love my new job, I am still struggling to get myself into that rhythm due to increased travel times and stuff. I can't do a class at 6am, arrive home at 7am and be on the train 20 minutes later. I really need to consider finding a gym closer to work. I am considering getting a personal trainer to show me the right way to do weights. I've done a lot of pump, but I don't think this is really targetted enough for me. The problem, I've seen, with PTs is that there are a lot of them out there and they're not all created equal. While there are some good trainers at Fitness First, a lot of them just don't really care about you or your goals - they just want to get paid.

I've hard a friend of a friend is opening up a very private gym basically half-way between home and work and I think she might be the right fit. I've got a few friends who are PTs, but I really need someone who I have no emotional connection with right now, as I want to be pushed hard and do not want it to affect any of my friendships. I have no problem with working hard, but I don't like the idea of my friends telling me what to do.

Soooo, the goals for 2010. Get fitter, stay happy, stay focussed on my goals, stop doing things I don't want to do because others want me to do it and not feel guilty for making myself my number one priority.

A clear plan of how to do all this is yet to emerge, but it will!

Does anyone have any tips for staying motivated and enthusiastic? When I lost my first amount of weight, four years ago, I took what I called a day by day approach. I didn't think about the next week/month etc, I really broke things down to one day at a time. I would wake up in the morning and make sure every decision I made about food and exercise was "on goal". If I had a bad day, I didn't let if affect the next and, similarly, if I ate something bad I didn't just give in and let it mean I had a bad day or week. I think this is the key for me. Keep the focus really tight, one day at a time. In 2009 I really lost this as I was setting myself big goals for the future and then worrying about how I would get there and panicking about it.

So I think this is what I need to do. Work out a vague plan of attack, and take things one day at a time. Think more about what I'm doing during the day ... so often I just simply forget about what I'm eating and find myself munching away on the stuff I wanted to avoid. Like bread rolls or high sugar yoghurts or big handfuls of nuts.

So, farewell to 2009 a year of ups and downs but ultimately a lot of personal growth. I am acknowledging what I've achieved, but I refuse this time to rest on my laurels and bask in that glory. I know I can do more if I stay focussed.

MIA

2009-11-20T11:18:00.003+11:00

So I know I have been missing in action for a while now. Due mainly to the fact my home laptop seems to have died. No idea what's wrong with it, aside from taking 20 minutes to start up, it just keeps randomly closing internet sessions. It IS ancient and full of rubbish its previous owner, my brother, put onto it. I've uninstalled the bulk of his programs, but it's still deadly slow. I really should buy a new one, but I keep talking myself out of it. I figure I'm on a computer every day and really, how often do I use one at home? A little bit is the honest answer, I do all my banking online, plus a bit of shopping, and blogging/facebook/twitter of course.

Problem is, I'm soooo indecisive when it comes to things like this. Largely because I don't really care ... all I want is for it to be reliable and fast, and not cost the earth because whichever brand/model I choose will be obsolete in 12 months or less. The sales guys at Harvey Norman, JB Hi-Fi etc annoy me too, because they either think I am stoopid for not caring or knowing about all this stuff or do not even try to figure out what is the best model for me and try to sell me the most expensive one they have. AND talk over the top of me the whole time. Urgh.

Anyhoo, have finally cleared the decks somewhat at work, so here I am.

Have FIVE classes left in the Bikram challenge to be completed by next Saturday (including Saturday). I will do at least two over the weekend, considering doing two on Sunday so I only need to do two during the week to hit the target. We shall see, however, I may have to content myself with one each day on Sat/Sun and then do Mon-Wed.

The studio - thank GOD - has opened a new room and practically doubled evening classes. For me this has meant that instead of jamming myself into a class with 50 other sweaty bodies and then getting dizzy due to the lack of oxygen which everyone ELSE is hogging (plus being 5'2" doesn't help as the fresh oxygen apparently rises to the top of the room), I have been in a class with an absolute maximum of 10 other people. Plenty of space to move and air to breathe. The rooms are still heated to 40C, but I find it SO much more manageable when I am not close to faining OR have someone a foot away from me on either side dripping sweat on me.

I managed to strain my back via a combination of factors, including poor posture at work, wearing stupidly high heels at work, slipping over and jarring my back wearing thongs in the pouring rain (bizarre weather) and the usual stuff such as carrying a heavy bag on one shoulder etc. This is meant I've had to be a lot more "modest" in classes, let my ego that wants to push further into every posture go and just focus on alignment and doing the best I can, or what works for my body. Sounds like a load of rubbish I know, but it has really helped me mentally to be forced not to push myself every single class and instead be content to do what I can manage without causing injury or pain.

I have definitely gotten a lot stronger in most areas, my legs are lot more toned and my arms are looking GREAT - nicely toned, dangly bits vastly reduced and good tricep/bicep definition. Not too crazy though, I don't want to look like dear ol' Madonna. Around my shoulders is definitely a lot more toned too. The best outcome, however, has been my glowing skin. Aside from a few times when I've overdone the bad eating and booze (usually in combination too), I wake up looking much healthier with clear eyes and skin and everyone has been telling me I have a glow about me. And no, I'm not preggers.

I will definitely try to keep doing around four classes a week, but I will make time for other stuff too.

Swimming has started with CanToo Swim and this has presented a whole new challenge. While I am loving it, I do NOT love not being as fit or as good as I would like to be. My technique nees a good amount of refinement, I tend to lose it when tired and get tired at arond the 800m mark. Considering we are doing around 1.6km per session that's not good! The ocean swims are just the BEST. One of the best ways to start off the weekend, although I have managed to pick up a bit of sunburn at each session but thankfully not TOO much. Must get some better suncream though, current stuff goes white and looks horrible, plus seems to wash off very easily.

I must learn to relax in the water though. I'm just sooo tense. I'm not a very relaxed person anyway, which is why something like Bikram appeals to me - normal yoga is just far too serene for my liking. What I've tried anyway, I need the hot room. So that's what I'm working on from next week. Doing a swim session every day and just trying to relaaaax. And enjoy as much as possible. Must work on my breathing too. Although I imagine that's related to the fitness side of things. But I tend to just let it go whenever I want ... go from bilateral breathing to one-sided breathing.

Anyhoo, five Bikram sessions to go and two and a half months of swimming training. Let's see how we go!

Oh, on the man front ... that requires a whole new post. But I will just say that I've discovered, or proved the theory for myself, that the best way to get a man to want you is to break up with him. Argh.

Variety is the spice of life

2009-11-06T21:31:00.003+11:00

This is what I have learnt on my Bikram challenge. I love Bikram, although right now I do not LOVE love it ... I really only like it. Everything is sore, I am sick of having wet clothes and a wet towel to wash after each class and my mat never seems to dry properly (obviously Sydney weather isn't helping on any of these points).

I have really learnt a lot about myself during this challenge. Some good, some bad, and some things I'm yet to determine.

The number one bad thing: I'm impatient. Not when it comes to others, but myself. I have no compassion for myself and give myself no credit - I think I should have improved X amount, so I almost try to force myself to have improved that amount. Result? Seriously strained, possibly minor torn, hamstring which resulted in bruising behind the knee. Ouch! Entirely my own fault as well, trying to force myself further into Bow Pulling pose (or whatever the real name is).

The good? I am determined and persistent. Yeah sure, stubborn too. But determination and commitment is what keeps me going to class six times a week (on good weeks!), I just need to find a way to really use that to my advantage ... or harness it better.

One that sits about midway is that I am stubborn. I refused to give up when I had the hideous sinus infection that meant I could barely breathe, also when I started my new job and there was a whole world of new stuff to learn, plus all the usual stuff going on in the background - such as being woken up at 4am by drunken neighbours playing John Farnham and other rubbish.

Exercise-wise I have learnt I need VARIETY to keep myself interested. Sure, I love a good challenge but it needs to be a bit more diverse. A few running sessions a week, a few sessions in the pool, some Pump/weights, PLUS Bikram. Not all the same thing. It was actually a really positive thing to "discover", as I found myself missing running, the gym etc. Unfortunately working 9 hours a day and doing 90 mins of Bikram almost every day doesn't leave much time for anything else.

Desperately looking forward to finishing the challenge. Determined NOT to fall short of the mark for anything!

A life without sugar

2009-10-19T15:22:00.002+11:00

Two weeks ago I accidentally had a coffee without my standard 1/2 a teaspoon of sugar. I say accidentally but really I was just so damn tired I simply forgot to even put it in ... and had practically finished the coffee before I even thought about it, never noticing the lack of sugar in said coffee.

So, rather sheepishly, I realised it was time to stop putting any sugar in - since I hadn't noticed it missing. Although the exhaustion may have also numbed my tastebuds. Nonetheless, I've stopped purposefully putting it in ... but every now and then I find myself doing it automatically, or at least preparing to do it - most times I have caught myself and stopped.

I'm happy to admit that I haven't missed it in the slightest, although I'm rather embarrassed and annoyed at myself. How long have I been putting sugar in my beverages when I haven't needed to? It's not even a calorie concern, although obviously every bit counts, it just made me realise how I do a lot of things out of habit rather than actual need or desire. Well, the sugar is really the only example I've come up with. And putting salt on things ... although I stopped that ages ago by simply keeping the salt in the cupboard and not on the table.

Anyhoo, in terms of the sugar cravings ... I have found the no sugar in coffee/tea has helped. Or has at least lessened the severity. This afternoon I was thinking "man, I'm realllly hungry" but really, I was just experiencing that old "I want sugar" feeling. Ignored it! So far anyway.

Kennel cough and Bikram ... and second week of new job

2009-10-17T12:00:00.002+11:00

Ahhh, this has been a tough week. What I thought was a slight cold or case of hayfever turned into hideous sinus infection with horrible cough. Fabulously timed with second week of the new job, which was extremely demanding as I was having the second website I am going to be producer for handed over to me, plus being in charge of the first website for the first week and stuff.

Fortunately I sounded much worse than I actually felt, which is probably better than feeling horrible but sounding fine. On Monday I gave in and went to the doctor on the way home after work instead of going to Bikram and got my first lot of anti-biotics in god knows how long. Hah, five days later I'm marginally better but really not convinced of the effect of the drugs! Think it's just run its course.

Despite missing Bikram on Monday, I managed to go three days through the week. Struggled due to blocked nose. Bikram focuses a lot on breathing through the nose and keeping your breathing controlled, which was pretty much impossible due to my blocked nasal passages. Breathing through the mouth isn't ideal as apparently it stimulates the adrenal glands and makes your heart beat faster ... not ideal when you're in a super-heated room and pushing yourself into challenging positions. Bah. But anyway, hopefully one or two more days and I'll be breathing normally again.

Aside from kennel cough and terrifying colleagues with coughing fits and going through a box of tissues in a week, work was bloody awesome. So excited about some of the future prospects. First big interview coming up next week ... hopefully will not sound as diseased and terrify the 'talent'.

Only managed one run this week, in an effort to shift nasal blockage ... thought maybe the jolting would help shift it, but absolutely no effect. And wheezing cough did not make it fun either. Will attempt the morning runs again next week!

Bikram challenge is going well, currently at 13 classes in 17 days which I'm pretty happy with. Cannot help but miss Friday classes as there's no 7.30pm class and still cannot decide if going to the 6.15am class will make me late for work or exhaust me for the entire day. I think if I can make it to the other four classes during the week and both days on the weekend that will keep me on track to complete the 40 classes in 60 days.

So it's week two of the challenge (two and a bit technically), and this week my body has been tired and sore. I'm told this is normal! Aside from the soreness though, I've really started to feel some changes in my body. Not so much seen them, but hopefully that will come in the next, what, 43 days - ha ha. Still very tight in some joints ... well, most joints, but especially my hips and knees. Think running and desk job for the last 10 years can be partially held responsible. Look forward to feeling them open up a bit!

Zero running but mucho Bikram

2009-10-09T22:16:00.004+11:00

It's Friday night and maaaaan I am shattered. First week at the new job was awesome. A simply fantastic department of people, talented, switched on, friendly and hard working. I started off the week slightly freaked out that I was out of my depth, but after each day I felt a little bit better and a little more confident that I was up to the challenges ahead.

I managed four Bikram classes this week, a definite record in my books. Was tough and somewhat insane as I have been getting home from work just after 6pm and having to head back out the door at 7pm for the late Bikram session. Home about 9.30pm, bed by 10.30pm and up again at 7am at the latest. Not much time for much in between. Anyway, next week we'll see how we go. Think the Bikram helped to deal with the stress factors of work and public transport (URGH hateful train system) and the bloody awful weather. Temp hasn't been above 18C all week. And sure that's fine, but some idiot (toot - me!) washed all their winter woollies and had their jackets cleaned/dry cleaned and packed them away and now ... I need them. But the same idiot packed them in the more modern version of moth balls ... but almost as stinky (and hopefully just as effective).

It's so interesting though. Each Bikram class is its own challenge. One day I achieve an extra inch or two in one stretch, and the next day I've lost an inch but gained more in another posture. One class the heat barely bothered me, another I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust I was so hot and uncomfortable. First week, however, so I'm sure there are a lot more 'interesting' experiences to come in Bikram.

Should/could go for a run tomorrow but I have been battling some sort of sickness all week. Glands in my throat up, sore throat, fever etc ... but I have been willing myself not to get sick. And so far managed pretty well. So do not think running around in the rain will help, much better to stick to the hot, sweaty torture of Bikram. It does seem to help - purging toxins and all that.

Can't wait for a quiet weekend, catching up on some sleep and just ... absorbing all the information thrown at me and the work stuff that happened during the week.

Hope everyone in blog land is well and has a great weekend, toot toot.

Long weekend action

2009-10-05T17:16:00.004+11:00

Toot, toot what a crazy busy and wonderful long weekend. Great mix of all the good things in life.

Started the action on Friday with a fantastic facial, including some micro-dermabrasion or something like that and an oxygen facial. Not as relaxing as most facials, but seems to have perked my skin up a bit. I was looking a bit tired and worn out after some weirdly sleepless nights ... no trouble falling asleep, but had some ve-ry weird dreams (horrible ones about my family members) which I attribute mainly to stress and worrying about my brother who is away with the Army at the moment, my dad who is doing OK post a double hip replacement, and my mum who is just not handling these things well right now. Ahhh well. I'm just trying to keep them all happy and positive.

Had to buy a new hairdryer on Friday too as mine CAUGHT FIRE while I was using it. Well, there weren't flames, but there was a lot of smoke and a red glow coming from its insides. Eeek. Quickly turned it off at the powerpoint and had to carry it out to the balcony, putting smoke through the house, in my UNDERWEAR. Oh well, it was quite early so hopefully the neighbours were too busy getting ready for work etc to notice. Ridiculous shopping trip with cranky saleswoman trying to get me to buy the most expensive models despite me assuring her that yes, I will use it pretty much every day but do not want to spend $100 on something I could break and drop at any time. Also, do not care about ionic whatsermercall it, just want it to dry my hair. Anyhoo, reminded me of why I stopped going to Myer. Rude cow rolling her eyes at my clear stupidity for not forking out $100 for a superior hairdryer. Blah.

Saturday morning myself and some fellow CanToo diehards braved the rain and went for a trail run. It was just fantastic, we took it at a really easy pace (for me anyway) for most of the way out and just enjoyed the gorgeous scenery of the Lane Cove National Park. We ran about 4km into the park before we were thwarted by a swollen stream ... twice! Ran back and did some extra loops of the oval before heading to our traditional Saturday morning cafe for coffee and about two hours of chat. It was great. Took myself off to Bikram for Day 3 of the challenge and felt very proud to tick off three classes in three days (in a row)! Never before achieved this. It's strange the early changes in my body ... just noticed tiny differences around my knee/lower thigh, more defined calves and forearms. And paaaain. Quads and stomach are sooo sore, and wrists also ... but all this should improve quite quickly I believe.

Huuuge night on Saturday where I undid a lot of my good work, although not so much as while it involved about 3 glasses of wine, four beers and three shots it also involved nice Thai stir fry with lots of veggies and about six hours of intense dancing! Sweated up a storm, but man it was fun. Was a late night, not helped by daylight savings kicking in at 2am ... meant I got home at 5am instead of 4am. Still ridiculously late for me! So Sunday was naturally very quiet. Watched some TV, cleaned a bit, made some meatpies (made a big bloody mess too) and watched The Sound of Music. Find it all so sugary sweet romantic, but for some reason it's the looming threat of the Nazis taking over Austria that makes it so fascinating for me. The knowledge of how Austria was about to change and the horrors the world was about to see, and how this contrasts against the sweet innocence of Maria and the kiddies ... ahh, it makes me sad! But happy at the same time ... oh, and of course I want to learn to sing and meet a strikingly handsome former Naval Captain. Whoot!

Today I managed a Bikram session, a quick lunch with some friends and have spent the remainder of the day getting ready for the first day of my new job.

I feel SO blessed by my new job opportunity. It will be a fantastic new challenge, and there is so much potential for promotion in the company it's just so EXCITING ... two years from now, who knows where I could be. Hell, six MONTHS from now. No more shift work, no more working on weekends, no more working on public holidays. I won't know what to do with myself! Ha ha, except go to the gym/Bikram/running of course.

Challenges

2009-09-28T08:17:00.002+10:00

After running my third half-marathon for 2009 a week ago, celebrating my 31st birthday at the CanToo Spring Charity Ball and meeting some truly remarkable people at a friends 40th birthday party I've decided to issue myself a new challenge. I'm going to do the swim program with CanToo and train to do a 2.7km ocean swim!

There are some smaller races that I could nominate to train for - a 1km and 2km but I figure I might as well go for the big one. And really, 1km I could do now without too much effort and if you've swum 2km, what difference does another 700m make? Nothing! The biggest challenge will be facing putting on a swimming costume and wearing it in public with people I know quite well.

Aside from the fact I really feel like I need to shake things up a bit physically, I met some people at this party who are either cancer survivors or have recently been diagnosed with cancer. One guy I met, who is about 35, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. TERMINAL cancer. I cannot imagine what he is going through, but he signed up for the swim program to help raise $$ for cancer research. What a legend! If I received that diagnosis I'm not sure I would handle it so well.

So that starts on November 5th. The Bikram challenge starts in four days! I am starting it today though - going to try to do four classes this week. My goal is to do four classes a week for the first 30 days, two classes on the weekend and two classes in the evening during the week. Then for the last 30 days I am going to try to do 5 classes a week, two on the weekend and three during the week. But as a minimum four a week in any combination will see me complete the challenge successfully.

I would REALLY like to lose a 5kg before summer, at a minimum. Although that's 5kg of the flabby stuff. Really I just want to feel a bit lighter and brighter. I figure I'm putting in all the right things, so the results should follow.

In terms of nutrition, I am following the low GI eating system as well as trying to only eat 'whole foods', nothing processed. Oats for breakfast, fruit and nuts for snacks, yoghurt, salad and veggies, lean meat and low GI carbs. And obviously drinking tonnes of water to counter the effects of Bikram. I was chatting to an instructor the other day who said he'd weighed his towel before and after a Bikram class to see how much he'd sweated ... and his towel was FIVE KILOS heavier. That's five litres of sweat. Which means that after a class he needed to drink five litres of water minimum to prevent dehydration! Lordy. Made me realise why I felt so dreadful after some classes when I'd only drunk a litre or so before and after class. Need more liquid!

Bizarre weather in Sydney of late, my poor flat is coated in dust and my CAR. Yikes. So this week is all about cleaning. Or dusting and vacuuming anyway.

Slightly Less Ouch

2009-09-22T16:38:00.003+10:00

Two days post-half-mara and I think I'm about 85% recovered. Yesterday was dreadful, I could really only manage what I liked to call an adroit hobble ... managed a walk to the shops for vital necessities, but beyond that I was bed, couch or floor bound. Skins and lots and lots of stretching really helped.

Today I went in to Bikram and, hurray, was much better than last week. Think it's because of the reduction of toxins ... last four days or so have been focused on super clean eating. Touchwood, have been successful thus far. It felt pretty good, most of it anyway, so I did something cra-zy and signed up to the 60-day challenge. Argh! 40 classes in 60 days, minimum of four a week. Eeek. However, this is what I really want to do - I really think it will help to make me feel a whole lot better.

In other news, friggin' boys who call and text you numerous times a day are not worth it!

Ouch that really freakin' hurt

2009-09-20T23:07:00.002+10:00

Horrible race today which I have decided is, a), a wake up call and, b), a reminder that some races are golden and some races are ... not. Today was not. I didn't sleep at all last night - I saw 1am and was getting up at 3.50am. Why couldn't I sleep? Oh, 1001 reasons but too many thoughts going through my head. I really must admit to myself that the last month or so I have let training slip away while I looked for a new job and recovered from being made redundant from a job I worked my butt off at. My time was 2hr 2min and 16sec or so and I was aiming for under 2 hours. There were factors at work against me, like no WATER at water stations which meant I had to race around to find a cup and some fresh or at least clean water on three occasions.

The main factor, however, was my head. I was not in a good space and haven't been for a while now. The lack of sleep meant that when I woke up this morning I decided I was running for my grandfather who died from cancer nine years ago. What that meant, however, at 18km was that I got teary thinking that I wasn't doing the run for ME, I was doing it for him and he would never have given in like I had. He was the most amazing man, he went through so much in WWII and yet could turn it all around to be a gentle and lovely human being. I loved him so much and the saddest thing is that I really do not think he ever knew just how much I thought of him. I would give anything to have one more day with him to tell him how much I think of him.

Anyhoo, onwards and upwards. I am starting a fresh leaf, starting tonight with a good night's sleep and a sleep in. This week is mine and I will do whatever I need to to get me through the current sadness I feel. I wish I could reach into the heavens, grab my grandad and tell him I love him one more time. Obviously, I cannot ... instead I want to make him proud every day.

What a day, what a race ... things can only get better.

Serious Running

2009-09-18T17:01:00.002+10:00

So this weekend is my third half-marathon for 2009, my fourth all together! I am not feeling as mentally focused as I have been ahead of previous events, due to all the other stuff going on, but I am confident of finishing in under two hours (my number one goal) and if I am feeling good at 15km I am going to push to get in under 1hr57mins. Last year when I ran this event I was just so focused on a) finishing and b) finishing in under two hours that I barely took in any of the scenery. And, um, hello! This race has the best scenery of them all! Over the Harbour Bridge - right down the middle of the road - through Pyrmont, out to Leichhardt (okay, that bit is pretty boring), but then along Circular Quay to finish at the Opera House! Whoo hoo.

Went to my final CanToo training session on Wednesday, despite feeling pretty rubbish, but after the warm-up I actually felt pretty good. Ran 3x1000m at 5.25min pace! So maaayybe there is hope that one time I will run a 1hr50min half-mara. Mind you 21x1000m is a lot different than 3. But you've got to start somewhere, right? It's all about getting into the right rhythm AND, of course, being fit enough to maintain it.

Did my first Bikram Yoga session on Thursday after months and months (when things went mental at work actually) and nearly fainted several times. Literally had the blurred/darkened vision and weird numb feeling in my hands. Yikes! However, there's only one way to get better - keep going! So planning to head back on Monday morning post-half mara. Should be good!

The other running news ... well, exercise news, is some of my faboosh CanToo pals have started a little training group. Nothing fancy, just a group of people who want to get fit! Or fitter anyway. This morning we did an hour and it involved a 2km warmup jog, then a range of nasty short and sharp shuttle runs, think I did about 100 push ups and sit ups plus a 10 minute core work out. Was pretty darn tough, but man it felt good! Whoo hoo!

In other news ... so freaking excited, I am no longer unemployed. Details to follow another time, but yay! Feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. Well, one of a number of weights. Would like to lift about 8kg off my entire self actually ... but that's also for another post.

Ahh Jeezus

2009-09-07T22:09:00.003+10:00

Okay, the last few weeks have been insane. Pure insanity. Two main events have turned life upside down.

Firstly, I've been made redundant! Boo! Kinda. I was actually quite relieved as I was SICK of doing shift work and exhausted by working like a dog day in day out with people who were largely incompetent and disinterested. Nice payout etc so not so desperate. REALLY want to get a job in the next few weeks though as would like to save this money for my house fund. Had a few days of staggering around wondering WTF to do and then naturally got myself into gear. Several job interview so far and fingers crossed re: the VERY big fish (or company) that I've been trying to work at for about four years. This is as close as I'll ever get. Two interviews so far and now have to work on a product brief and then have final meeting with the big boss.

Secondly, my brother's girlfriend of four years ... well, I guess she broke up with him. In a rather indirect, hurtful and disrespectful way. She told him she was going to visit her parents in Canberra for the weekend ... and on the following Thursday called him from HAWAII to tell him she'd met and fallen in lust/love with some American Special Forces soldier. Obviously the fact he's American is besides the point, but I just like to fill in all the details. The worst thing was my brother had been going out of his mind with worry as he had not heard from her for four days. He felt like such a heel, worrying that she'd had an accident, ringing her friends and even tried to call her parents (who had NO idea where she was either) etc etc. And she was off in Hawaii shagging some idiot.

Argh. It just shattered my faith in people. I mean, I never loved this girl. She was extremely arrogant, unintelligent ... but in the way where she thought she knew everything and would argue with you when clearly she knew nothing about the subject and seemed to make up blatant lies/facts, and she was a very cold and calculating person, much more concerned about $$$ and outside appearances than personality. Oh, and extremely bad manners. Blah.

Anyway, I love my little bro. He is my good mate and an AMAZING guy - thoughtful, considerate, talented, generous, smart etc etc. I am SO proud of him as he has pulled himself up and away from bad behaviours and a bad crowd and achieved a lot in the last five years or so. WTF is UP with throwing away four years for ... what?

Ack.

In the meantime, bloody RSVP dating has put me in the bloody sh*t. I am a multi-tasker and I am also unable to make decisions about men ... and suddenly I find myself, well, I need to make a decision. I have been dating two great guys for ... well, about two months I guess. On and off and only recently on a regular basis. It's crunch time as I cannot continue! They are both wanting to take things to the next level! When it rains it freakin' pours eh. I just don't knoooow.

Argh. I will have to readdress this subject in another post because I'm far too aerated after thinking about my brother and his bitch-face-stupid-cow ex.

I want to move!

2009-08-20T15:10:00.004+10:00

I need to vent. I soooo want to move house. There is nothing really holding me back aside from economic rationalism. I rent from a friend, who gives me a VERY good/cheap rate on his one-bedroom flat. It's obscene, I should literally be paying $100 a week more. It is, however, in the middle of nowhere! I moved there nearly two years ago and just feel like I need a change. I haaate moving, but I am sick of being in the 'burbs, I miss the hustle and bustle of Newtown, where there are weird and wonderful sights to be seen every night and it only costs $15 in a taxi to get home. $20 tops.

I would be looking at paying at least $250 to $300 in rent, plus all the same bills, and I would have to spend more time travelling to work, travelling to where my running group trains. So I'm really best of staying put for a while.

But my feet are itching!

Ohh well. For now the economic rationalist in me will keep me where I am ... but for how long!?

Not dead ... but refocussed!

2009-08-19T16:39:00.005+10:00

Have finally got over the maddening poison-ivy itching and my tan is, alas, fading.

The only thing remaining from my fab Hawaiian holiday is my gut! Although a better description is some extra padding around the stomach. Damn that food. I have been struggling badly with jet lag and loss of routine since I came back but I'm finally starting to feel like I'm regaining some sort of control. Helped by the fact I've had the last two days off work, as part of the roster not on annual leave, and I've caught up on a heap of washing and cleaning. And food shopping.

Going on a bit of a sugar-free diet. Well, refined sugar-free anyway and processed food-free. Although I hate the word diet. Rather, I'm just trying to cut out a heap of rubbish. It's all fruit, veg, plain yoghurt, nuts and seeds and green tea. Basic meal structure has been: 1/2 cup organic muesli with 2 tabs plain greek yoghurt and 1/4 cup organic skim milk; piece of fruit for a snack; either a salad with egg or tuna or sandwich with burgen bread with much the same; dinner has been 1/2 cup Doongara (LowGI) rice/Quinoa or pasta/soba noodles with either grilled or oven baked chicken or fish and a load of veggies. Only using fresh herbs and spices to season.

So far ... urgh, I'm a bit tired but that could be from a range of things! Not drinking alcohol for about three weeks either ... or for as long as I can hold off for anyway. A glass or two is alright, but no big nights until Friday 25th of September.

Race is five weeks away. Don't think I'm on track for 1hr 55min but if I can get under 1hr 57min I will be happy. Although, I really enjoyed running the Gold Coast half-mara with no real goal beyond under 2hours so I might just stick with that again. Frankly I'm not some super star athlete, and I don't think there's anything wrong with running something for enjoyment rather than to two a minute or two off your time. I'm in this running gig for the long run, not short term, so I think enjoyment is far better than results. For now.

I've entered though! Yikes! Roll on September 20th. I want to lose a good 5cm off my waist by then. Think once I bash off the holiday bloat it will all trim down quite quickly. It's all those refined carbs that have pumped me up! Oh, and the booze.

Things at work are a bit hairy right now ... find out about my job (ie: if I still have one) in about a week and a half. Just carrying on with business as usual until then. But man, fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed! Do not want to have to start looking for a new job right now!

I'm back

2009-08-10T09:28:00.002+10:00

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! I have crossed the dateline twice though on my trip to Hawaii. Which was ... mixed. I will report back about that later.

I managed to gain about 2kg in 8 days due to dodgy eating and probably moreso drinking practically every day. Some days one beer, some days several cocktails (too many!). Ahhh, but I enjoyed it all.

Now, back to reality! Skinny jeans still fit JUST, but would not wear them just yet. Time for two weeks of serious hardcore clean eating and exercising. Arrived home at 9.10pm last night, in bed by 10.30pm and woke up at 6am this morning to hit the gym. Today's challenge is to stay awake (hello, coffee run approaching), get some food in the fridge (emptied it out before I left) and find a place to put all my new-found goodies!

Did some AMAZING and gorgeous runs over there, including Diamond Head in Waikiki. It's a volcano crater that has a track up - winding around it a bit - 11km up. I didn't quite run all the way to the top ... only because there was a group of army boys (US army that is) doing some sort of training that looked evil. Running up and down from the summit to near where I was (at a lookout) with what looked like very heavy packs. But I think I got about 3/4 of the way up. A good 90minute run, with about 30mins of that UP this serious mountain/volcano. Man, it hurt BAD. And strained my calf in the process so for the next two days was grimacing a bit. But I did it!

Was sooo lovely to be hot and sweaty again, without having to go to the Bikram studio! Can't wait for summer. Today is a rude shock - it's currently 5C where I live. Winter woolies and uggies ahoy! Brrrr.

Anyway, just wanted to log a bit of a 'commitment' to healthy eating. The food was dreadful, very high GI so found myself eating high calorie meals that burnt up very quickly and left me hungry two hours later. Need lots of veg, salad, fruit and lean fish/meat. No more pineapple. Urgh, ate enough to cover about 10 Hawaiian pizzas. So different over there! So much sweeter.

Gotta get out running this arvo - have new running shoes! So long as it doesn't rain it will all be good.

Getting Sorted

2009-07-19T08:33:00.002+10:00

A not-so-bad week in terms of food and exercise. Had a larger than anticipated Sunday night, watching a friend's band in the Rocks, and spent Monday feeling slightly tired and hungover doing major house-works. How the hell do I have so many bloody clothes and nothing to wear? Argh. Must do some chucking and eBaying of stuff that's too big, too small or whatever.

Did 1 x 8km run, 2 x Pump, track running session with 8x400m sprints (sucks ass) after a 2km warm-up, then yesterday did 10km trail run. I love/hate trail running. It's actually much more of an all-ove body work out because the uneven surface means you have to hold your core in much more than with usual running. Plus the trail we run has some truly shocking bits where you're constantly watching where you're going and planning each step. All good of course, but meant that after 10km yesterday I was shattered! Today bits of me are sore that are not usually sore - must be a good thing.

Counting down to Hawaii. Less than two weeks. Need to continue good/careful eating and exercise. But frankly will not go on about it too much. Next weekend doing two races - one 10km and the other 11km (Sutherland to Surf) on separate days. Both won't be at full 'race pace', but will give them both a good 85% effort.

Today I'm also 'getting sorted'. Sunny weather means catching up on huuuge washing backlog. Hate not having a dryer as it means things like sheets and towels can often build up while I'm waiting for a sunny day where I'm not working. Today! Whoo hoo. Determined to clear the 'big stuff' backlog. Also just need to do general de-clutter and chuck out of stuff. Looking forward to it. Just having a nice quiet coffee while the first load of washing finishes.

Went on second RSVP date last night with Mr P. He's sooo nice. Smells good too. Was unfortunately a little bit tired so was not really in top form. But will definitely see him again! Was so f'n cold that at the end of dinner just had to give each other a quick hug and run away, no time for standing around for potential 'first kiss'. God, so juvenile I know. Was also busting for the loo and wanted to get home asap. Next time, there's gotta be some action!

Work is an uncontrollable beast right now, feel like I'm just sitting on top of it and hanging on for dear life - putting out spot fires where I can and barely keeping ahead of the huge mass of work surging behind me. I am, however, surviving and will continue to do so!

One More Kick

2009-07-12T14:12:00.003+10:00

Went to the gym after work yesterday. Felt great as I walked out, despite shocking food intake while at work. So here is my final kick for this weekend. Simple equation - eat clean/healthy + exercise + enough sleep = feel great. Eat junk + no exercise + no sleep = feel like bit blobby mess.

Duh!

Someone kick me in the butt

2009-07-11T14:24:00.003+10:00

At work, blah, won't go on about that. Need to kick myself up the butt. Must get out for a run this afternoon. Just read an article that said eating just 100 calories too many per day can lead you to put on four kilograms in a year! Eeeek. What if you eat, say, 400 calories too many in a day. Haven't been strict calorie counting, but I know I've been going over. Chocolate effort on Wednesday would been several hundred too many! And I just ate a muffin! Oops.

So here I am, kicking myself in the butt! Get a move on woman, Hawaii in THREE weeks.

Arggggh focus

2009-07-09T17:25:00.003+10:00

Just need a pep talk. Have really slipped these last three days or so. Yesterday ate more chocolate than any person should! Felt soooo desperately ill and today I have a food hangover, tired, headache and the rest.

Whyyy do I do this to myself? I manage to keep focussed and stay "on the path" for so long, and then in just four days I undo all my hard work. I mean, obviously it won't undo ALL of it, but I just feel dreadful and it will take me X amount of days to feel human again. After the junk food fest that was my Geelong trip it took me two weeks to feel good again!

Anyway, I'll get over it. Off to the gym this arvo for some bike work and then Pump. Body feels like it's ready for Pump again. Will have tomorrow off, 8km run on Saturday and will try to get to a Pump class in the arvo, run on Sunday too. Monday will be early AM bikram and evening Pump.

But really, it's all about eating. Need two weeks of clean eating - fruit, veg, lean meat, wholegrains etc. Damn chocolate! Sugar cravings are going to kill me for the next two days.

No RSVP news, too tired from Sunday's 22hour stint to date. Maybe next week.

Goldy Half

2009-07-07T10:01:00.003+10:00

Ahhh what a great weekend. It will take me another day to get over it I think!

Arrived on the Gold Coast at about 4.30pm on Saturday arvo and headed off to the hotel to meet my fellow runners. We sat around chatting, drinking as much water as we could manage and generally trying to relax ahead of the race. I hate the pre-race nerves, I cannot 'go to the toilet' which is NOT good ahead of running 21.1km or whatever it might be, and I can never, ever sleep. We went off to dinner, had simple Italian (carb loading - my favourite) spag bol with HEAPS of chilli flakes, which is usually a good trick for getting things moving. Didn't work, but whatever. We also had a glass of wine each, deciding that it would help us sleep. Also didn't work! Went to bed at about 10pm and was really only able to doze until 3.50am when I decided I might as well get up as lying in bed wasn't helping me in any way.

Really didn't feel hungry, but ate a banana and piece of bread with peanut butter on it as I figured I'd need SOME food. Felt pretty gross I must say, like I was just topping up from the night before. Drank more water, had a coffee and we headed off to the start of the race.

Pre-race stuff I MUST do: check all my gear 1001 times, have a shower, brush my teeth twice, put on several layers of deodorant (obviously this really only lasts for about an hour of serious running), pack and repack my bag and post a note on Facebook giving myself a call-out!

We got to the start of the race without incident but f*** me it was freezing, 6C or so and we're standing around for 30minutes trying to warm up, stretch and keep warm. Hah, didn't work. Spent the first 3km or so of the race wondering when my hands would stop feeling like iceblocks and I would be able to feel my feet again. The cold air made my teeth, nose and ears ache ... then, at about 4km I finally started to feel good again. A major factor in this was getting to watch the sunrise, over the beach, while running with several thousand other people who didn't think it at all strange to be up so early to put your body through a wee bit of pain.

After the 4km marker it all fell into place. Legs felt good, head was in a great positive space, cheered people on (the front pack who were running back past us) and just really enjoyed it all. I took the first 10km really easy and only marginally stepped it up for the next 11km. Was aiming to finish in 2 hours and finished in 1hr 59min and 59secs, which made me laugh because it speaks volumes about my obsession with organisation and being on time. I was so happy with the whole day because, aside from being cold, at no point during the run did I want to stop or feel like I needed to stop. I had a gel at about the 1hr15min mark because I was feeling a bit sans-energy and needed a little pick up. Worked a treat!

Once I finished I hung around to wait for some of my friends to finish and then joined the huge crowds going through the finishing gates. Hung around and watched our super-coach run past us at the 32km or so mark of his first marathon. The poor guy was doing it tough. He'd not followed his own careful and good advice and had gone out too hard and blown up at about 26km. He was aiming to run 5min40sec kms and had run 5min10km for the first 21km because he felt so good. As he ran past us he said "I'm in so much pain" and one of the girls ran with him for a km or so to try and perk him up. He was just in a world of hurt. His GF and one of the girls joined him and walked with him for the next 9km and then he ran the last km home. Awesome effort. The rest of us were about 400m from the finish line and cheered on all the marathoners. It was inspiring, all the looks of joy, pain, pride etc. It was also sobering. I really want to run a marathon, but I realised that I really cannot go into it half-done, I will need to commit seriously for at least four months to serious training, no nights out, no uncontrolled eating etc. And even then, it will still hurt like a mo-fo.

Anyway, we saw our coach coming down the road with the two girls on either side of him and the look on his face just broke my heart. We cheered him as he ran past us then sprinted to the grandstand at the finish line to cheer him over it. Ahhh, it was inspiring because he'd wanted to quit and just go home but he didn't! Determination personified. We were sooo proud of him.

We went and found 'lunch' at about 2pm or so and then headed back to our hotel to sit around, have showers, and sit around some more. Met the rest of CanToo at a pub/club thing for a few drinks and ... yeah, that's where it all went pear shaped. Although had the BEST freakin' night I've had for ages. We had (quite) afew drinks there, we had some dinner at about 8pm and then watched the band that was there. One of the guy in our group was HILARIOUSLY drunk, dancing around and getting the entire club on the dancefloor. Eventually we were all dancing away and when the club closed at 10pm we headed to another club for some MORE dancing. Whoo hoo. Soooo much fun, the place was full of runners. Drinking, dancing, laughing. There was a fantastic rock cover band on who kept us all on the dancefloor. Man, we were sooo drunk too. Got home at about 1.30am and had to be at the airport at 5am. Got a taxi at 4.30am and ... I was still totally drunk when I woke up. Not that I'd drunk so much though, but since I don't seem to drink much these days it really affects me.

Got to the airport and onto the plane without incident, got a lift home with a friend and was home by 8.30am. Ahhh, felt great but man I was shattered. Really only managed to sleep all day and do some cooking and cleaning. Today is a new day though. Woke up feeling great and going to get all my washing sorted and then head off for a walk. Really want to go to the gym, but think that might be a tiny bit too ambitious. We'll see though, might be good to just sit on the bike and get my legs moving.

Running + RSVP

2009-06-30T07:43:00.004+10:00

Firstly the running folks. Running in the Gold Coast half-mara this weekend. Really looking forward to it! Heading to the Gold Coast with five CanTooers from the Mac Uni pod and four of us are planning on running together. We're all varied speeds but we'll be running at the slowest person's km pace, which is a good minute slower than mine. I'm actually looking forward to it, as it means I will be able to enjoy the run a bit more and hopefully not look like rubbish at the end. We're really going just for fun ('cause running 21.1km is fun!) and to raise the CanToo profile. You can't help but notice a flood of fluro orange singlets!

On Saturday we did a fast and furious 10km at training. Well, I didn't intend for it to be fast and furious ... it just happened that way! Set myself a new 10km pb of 52min, which I know isn't super-fast but for me it's flying and it was on a super-hilly course. Previously my best 10km time was 54.10min. It was one of those runs where I never felt good though, I constantly had to push myself and fight the voice in my head telling me to give up because it was too hard, I was too tired etc. Was pretty damn pleased with myself afterwards though! My goal is to be running 50min 10km by the end of the year. Or to run that at least once anyway.

Now, onto the RSVP rubbish. Firstly let me say gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Phew. Right. So after the armpit licking email from Mr Roses I sent him an email back saying that I really didn't think what he'd said was appropriate and I didn't want to hear/see him again. But - bloody hell - he has my phone number doesn't he! He sent me a text saying he'd "googled" me and found some pictures of me and articles that I've written. Weirdo! I mean, I understand that in this day and age you've got to expect or at least accept someone will google you, but you don't TELL the person you've googled that you did it ... or tell them what you found. Urgh. I won't go into anymore details beyond to say he found a pic of me after the City2Surf last year and now wants to "come back as the crotch of a pair of women's adidas tights". URGGGGGHHHH. Naturally I have now blocked him from everywhere that can be blocked after sending him some messages telling him to bugger off ... slightly different wording though.

That's really about it to be honest. I'm kinda over it right now. Plus, I don't really have time to date as I've got so much training happening over the next few months and the Ashes stuff at work which will mean I am pretty committed for about six weeks. Blahhh to all that.

In fact, in terrible blah space in general right now. Must be that fabulous PMS time again as I feel like a big fat blob, despite my usual markers indicating that I have not gained weight (ie: skinny jeans and scales). Incredibly tired. Irritable. Stressed at work. Just have to keep the faith that the feeling will pass, as it always does. Going out to dinner with some girlfriends tonight, all set to look fab in gorgeous wrap dress and heels so that should perk me up a bit.

More RSVP freak outs

2009-06-24T11:38:00.003+10:00

Okay ... so now I'm totally freaked re: flower sending psycho. He is seriously psycho! He sent me an email, on the site, telling me he thought I was smokin' hot and 'wanted to lick my armpits' among other thngs. Torn between thinking he's a bit of a worry and thinking he just has NO friggin' idea about acceptable behaviour?

More later ... I am still trying to digest the email.

RSVP Freak Out

2009-06-22T15:43:00.003+10:00

Okay, so date #2 has just done the unthinkable. Or the insane. You decide.

He has sent me 2 dozen long stemmed red roses, to my work, plus a box with a bottle of champers, chocolates, teddy bear and balloon hanging off it.

I am NOT FRIGGIN' JOKING.

I knew who it was instantly when I read the card and it simply said "Beautiful".

WTF is going on! A good friend of mine has said it's the result of one of the following three:
a) Love at first sight
b) He does this for every woman he dates
c) He's psycho

Either way I am totally freaking out.

The Grand Date Review

2009-06-22T15:35:00.005+10:00

Okay, sooo my dates. Saturday's guy is soooo lovely. He looked a bit different to his picture, but I can't say how. He just does. Not in a bad way, it was all good. He works at a printers as a digital layout something or other, he didn't really go into it too much (we didn't talk work too much), but he's really a keen artist and he's currently doing a commissioned piece and is getting set up to start having a stall at the markets near his place - doing t-shirt prints, stickers etc etc. He's got an amaaazing tatt on his right bicep/arm too which is his own design. Beach/ocean themed stuff, it was really cool. He was running late, which was alright as he rang and told me he would be before I arrived so I parked and went for a little walk.

Hah, on my walk got two excellently timed confidence boosters (which I really needed), one was a truck full of council workers leaning out the window whistling and stuff, and the other was a lady in a shop telling me I had "gorgeous shiny hair". Nice! We stayed from 1.30pm until 5pm when I realised I had to get home as I was supposed to be meeting friends at Olympic Park ahead of Simon & Garfunkel.

It always gets a bit weird at the end of the date. He told me he'd definitely like to see me again and kisses me on the cheek … although I WOULD say that I think he was going in for a bit more but I moved, he gave me an awkward hug which was nice … only awkward because I wasn't expecting it! Anyway, I had to race home to have a shower and get changed for the concert.

Anyway, date 2 is FAR juicier. And I need your opinions! He also looked a bit different to his pics, but I think everyone does, and I noted that his profile says he's athletic and while he's not overweight, he really is just average. How can someone say they're athletic when they don't DO any real exercise? It's bollocks. Honestly. Argh, anyway, I'm sure he's not alone on that.

Hang on, side point. Saturday's date was saying he breathed a big sigh of relief when he saw me because my profile says I'm "average" and he's met women who have that on their profile and are really overweight! We discussed this, and he said you should be able to hyphenate them - athletic-average, slim-athletic etc. Anyway, no idea why I mentioned that - but very true!

Anyway, date #2 was great. At one of my favourite pubs. Nice food, not to expensive etc and it's relatively quiet at lunch/plenty of parking around. I walked in and was in a bit of a flap because I was six minutes late and I hate being late! Walked through the main bair and into the dining area, when he pops up behind me. Turns out he'd been walking behind me for about a block, but obviously hadn't seen my face so didn't know it was me! Ha ha. After we got sorted with drinks etc we did the whole "did you find the place alright", "how's your day going", "how was your Saturday" etc etc. I was bricking it! No idea why, but man I was nervous. And he was too. So, it did not help when he looked at me with his big blue eyes to tell me I'm "so much prettier than my pictures". Argggggghhhh. I blushed like mad! It was TERRIBLE. I sort of laughed and said thanks, and jokingly said "please don't say that again". Bah.

The compliments didn't stop all afternoon. We talked about everything you could imagine, I found out why he's a non-drinker (which was a bit hmm for me as I don't mind a glass of wine or two every now and then). No big dark demons, basically he didn't like hangovers and his dad is an alcoholic, about five years ago he just decided to have a month-long break from it and he lost weight, felt better, looked better etc. Which I totally respect. He said he's not anti-drinking and doesn't mind being around people who are drinking, but he just chooses not to.

The compliments, oh man, I seriously lost count of the number of times he said I was beautiful. It was supremely off-putting and embarrassing. It was sleazy or anything, he just seemed a bit transfixed, kept apologising if he was staring and stuff. He wasn't really, but he was definitely intently looking at me. He didn't miss a beat, noted that I had "beautiful" nails, "beautiful" teeth, "beautiful" lips/hair/skin/smile/eyes. ARGH. I told him I was banning that word!

He freaked me out slightly as he talked about kids/marriage/family etc. Said he really wanted to have kids soon. Also freaked out because he is clearly VERY well off. I mean, really, seriously, insanely. Well, compared to me anyway. It's not about the money, but I'm just not used to being around people who don't have to worry too much about anything, if you know what I mean. He really didn't mention it, he didn't brag about it in the slightest, just told me about how he'd started his company and how hard he'd worked in the initial stages to get it up and running.

It was all a bit much to be honest, I mean I appreciated that he was so upfront about everything … but it was a tad full on. We walked out the front of the pub and I was soo freaked he was going to try to kiss me (my first kiss with anyone is not going to be in front of a pub in the middle of the afternoon, in broad daylight), and I kept my distance. He got all teenager uncomfortable/embarrassed and didn't know what to say. So I said "okay, well give me a call sometime!" and ran away.

Awww, the poor guy called me about five minutes later to apologise, saying he felt like ramming his head into a wall. Said that I was "just so lovely" and that he's not used to meeting women like me. WTF? Said he's been on about 40 RSVP dates in two years and none of them have been of my 'calibre' and that he felt 'honoured' to be in my presence! I started laughing, it was sooo ridiculous, and said that he'd clearly gone out with the wrong women. Anyway, we both said we had a good time and we'd like to see the other again, so we'll see what happens.

Feeling like I'm setting myself up a bit here! Two great guys who're keen, and obviously I can only focus one. What to do?

Serious Running Post

2009-06-19T20:45:00.004+10:00

About time too, otherwise this blog's name is completely pointless.

Wednesday was the first proper training session for CanToo. I've signed up to do the Blackmores Half-Marathon in September and this is THE race. I am going for 1hr55min and I am going to get it! I am not being unrealistic, I really think I can do it. In the SMH half I really was on the pace until 15/16km and it was the dodging and weaving that got to me - I lost my rhythm. This race has far less competitors, because there's also a marathon and 10km event (last year 9km) and it's not a two-loop course.

So Wednesday, man I felt like rubbish! I just felt really out of sorts - I had a weird nervous energy and when I say why you will laugh. This guy has joined our group who I have SEEN ON RSVP. I have not contacted him or received contact or anything, just seen his profile - and I know he's seen mine as he appeared in my "those who have viewed your profile" list! Argh. Ha ha. Anyway, we didn't have that 'moment of recognition' or anything but it will surely come eventually! Watch this space!

We did a quick 1km warm-up and then 3x1000m sets, I went way too friggin' hard. First 1km in 5.20min and that was ONLY because at about 700m I realised I was going to finish in under 5min if I didn't slow down, and the idea is to finish each set in less time than the previous one so I wanted to have some room for improvement. Next one was 5.05min and the last one 4.35min. Ack, I cannot keep this up. But it felt good to be able to do it, but my running form was not excellent. I must work on this! Need to get some extra core work happening. But really, I just need to calm down a bit.

Tomorrow morning we're doing 8km, which is obviously not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things (considering I did 18km last week). Plan to head to Pump at about 10.30am, which I am really loving at the moment - instructors are mixing up the tracks, which I loooove as they bring back old favourites and take requests! Hurrah.

Then having lunch with weekend RSVP date one. I usually hate to eat on dates, because it locks me in to being "there" or on the date for a certain amount of time. Generally I would prefer to have a drink, because that way you can extend it to a meal if you feel like it. This guy, however, seems like a real down-to-earth bloke and I am reaaally looking forward to meeting him.

Hopefully will leave me enough time to rush home, get changed and go to meet friends ahead of the Simon & Garfunkle concert, which I'm seeing with my little bro and a HOT mate of his. Seriously hot mate, a bit young though ... and I would never touch my brother's mates because things would just get weird, but it's nice to think about!

Sunday going for a long run with some of the girls doing the Gold Coast half in two weeks, probably around 18km or maybe 16km.

Then having lunch with weekend RSVP date two. I am kinda mixed on this guy. He seems really nice, friendly, easy going etc and funny, which I like a lot, but he lives about an hour away which might not work as I do not have a lot of spare time to be driving to see him. But he's coming to meet me, which is a good sign. I did offer to meet him halfway! Also mixed because on his profile he says he's "athletic" but he doesn't seem to actually do much exercise, and his pics give me the impression that he was once athletic and he's kinda softened around the edges.

This, actually, is one of the things that pisses me off about RSVP. People misuse the body type description. I put myself as average because I'm not slim, I'm not "a bit overweight" and I'm not really athletic. When I think of an athletic woman I think of someone with a more more muscular figure than mine, I still have soft bits (ie: butt, boobs and thighs). None of which are huge, but they're there. A friend of mine, however, who is really quite overweight (she's 100kg+) puts herself as "average". So who's in the right.

It's much worse with guys though. Most of them say they're athletic or average, and a lot of the ones who say they're athletic are average and those who say they're average should be up one class! Ha ha.

Oh well, what to do? Am I athletic??

Have finally kicked the "I feel fat" blues. Almost anyway. Today I felt great as I put on my "test" jeans and, hurray, they were kinda loose and they looked ... well, quite good actually. Since my Melbourne/Geelong splurge I have been working really hard and have been really careful with what I've been eating. Obviously I have dropped 5kg in two weeks, but it's working! Which is great ahead of two "possibly/maybe" weekend dates.

Will report back with date goss on Monday. Or Sunday! We shall see.

Back in double-digits

2009-06-13T11:40:00.005+10:00

Running that is! I had been doing some 10km and 11km runs of late, and my standard 7km super-hilly course plus standard Bikram and Pump etc etc. This morning I did 18km! Phew. It was tough. Took it easy as I've developed a bit of a cold, which I'm hoping isn't a mild case of swine flu as I just spent however long in Melbourne/Geelong. While I was a bit snuffly and snotty, and got a bit of a headache from the aching sinuses, it felt great! Especially when I finished, ha ha ha. Took a few little walking breaks to stretch my super tight hammies and have a drink of water and stuff. But overall, I was pretty happy with things considering I haven't really been hardcore running since the half-marathon.

Felt a bit disappointed that I've slipped back in fitness, but as I said in a previous post - nothing I can do now but keep moving forward! Figure in a few weeks it will all feel much better, so I'm looking forward to that.

Urgh, RSVP is bugging me. I got a "kiss" from some icky 52yo guy (I'm 30, hello!) and when I replied saying "I think our age gap is too great" or whatever, he sent me a nasty email saying "okay fine, I understand. I was just trying to think outside the square. It's your loss, other ladies will appreciate what I have to offer". Ew! Fine, offer it to other women ... I don't want some 52yo guy! I think my age limit (27-40) is pretty liberal, but I do want someone who's in the same generation as me and who can keep up with me.

Anyway, just trying to focus on enjoying the dating and stuff. Right now though, just enjoying the quiet life ... back to work tomorrow and then it's full steam ahead until ... well, forever! September when the Ashes are over.

Long, loooong weekend and stuff

2009-06-11T08:18:00.002+10:00

Oops, it's Thursday. How did it get to Thursday?

Life has been a fabulous, exhausting whirlwind of late. One week ago today I was getting ready to head to Geelong to visit A, one of my oldest and best friends. It was to be one of the longest day's travel (domestic travel that is) of my life, except the two day coach trip to Perth from Bathurst ... but I was a uni student and didn't care so much. Rivalled only by the return trip. I won't go into the details, except that I left home at 10am to get to the airport by midday (did it easily with time to spare) and my flight was supposed to be at 1pm. SUPPOSED to be ... ha ha, fog had caused all sorts of delays at the airport so my flight was delayed by about an hour. Wasn't too bad. Wandered around, tried not to buy things I don't really need. Got to Avalon airport and caught a shuttle into Geelong city centre where my friend lives. So, left home around 10am, arrived at about 4.30pm! Argh. Similar story on the way home, left in airport shuttle bus at 10.15am and arrived home at about 4.30pm.

Had a great time up there, although we both overdid it in a major way on the first night ... we drank over four litres of white wine (argh) and ate a heap of cheese and ... yeah, just cheese. The next day I felt like utter rubbish. Managed to go for two hour-long runs around Geelong Bay, which were AMAZING but also freezing. On my Monday morning run I saw two black swans, swimming along the water's edge together, feeding etc and it was just sooo cute and perfect. Also did a Pump class on Tuesday morning ... which was quite interesting, although I felt a bit disgusted by the instructor. She had NO IDEA what the moves were, she was referring to a piece of paper with the instructions on it, constantly, and still getting it wrong. She also looked like she had just got out of bed and been dragged backwards through a hedge. I felt slightly ridiculous in my gym gear (which is nothing flash I can tell you) while she was in her faux-denim leggings and grey hoodie. I must admit that I was probably a bit rude, as I just kept doing the moves (which I know front to back as I do about three Pump classes a week) while she was fumbling with her cheat sheet. At the end of the class she actually came up and asked me if I was an instructor. Ha ha. Although I have been thinking about it.

Anyway, I am home now and kinda freaking out as it's only four weeks to the Gold Coast half-marathon. I have decided I have to let go of my 1hr55min target as I am just going to disappoint myself if I go for that. Instead just going to take it easy, will run it in whatever I run it in. Just looking forward to going up the coast with some friends.

That said, I am refocussing in a big way. The next CanToo program starts next week, thank god, I really need the group atmosphere to help me keep on track. Have kinda relaxed on the big runs in the last three weeks, and eating has definitely relaxed in a big way ... I shudder to remember what I ate over the weekend. So going to write down what I eat for the next week or so, just so that I'm a bit more aware of what I'm shoving into my mouth.

It's just a hideous cycle I seem to have to go through about once a year, slide down for a few weeks, gain an extra kg or two, feel horrible about everything and realise that I feel so much better when I eat in a more controlled fashion and keep a more structured approach to exercise, especially running.

Oh well, I feel a bit rubbish for going backwards a bit ... but can't do anything to change that! Just going to keep moving forwards and looking ahead. Besides, have holiday in Hawaii to think about - hellooooo bikini!

Post-Mara Blue-ishness

2009-05-23T11:59:00.004+10:00

I always find it so hard the week after a race. You know, what're my goals what am I doing etc etc. It didn't help this week that due to my super-tight hamstrings that no amount of stretching seemed to ease, my back went out. Not completely, nothing compared to earlier in the year. I was walking up to Bikram and dropped my drink bottle, which then started rolling down the hill. Eek! I quickly ran down to it, bent down to pick it up and stood up quickly and "pang" I felt something catch.

I spent the next two days doing extra core work, no weights and no running. Poooo. So hard after months and months of serious training. Blah. I am finally back to normal spine-pain wise, so plan on heading to the gym a bit later today for some basic cardio stuff and to do some basic upper-body work. Tomorrow will attempt Bikram again and hopefully by Monday I can get back to normal.

Planning on doing the Gold Coast half in July, so I'd better get myself sorted physically asap so I can get focused on that.

Feeling utterly gross from lack of high heart race exercise and weights, but confident the feeling will go soon. Work has been hellish this week, I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks ... covering State of Origin, Twenty20 World Cup, Tour de France all before the Ashes smashes me until September. Note to self: I can do it!

RSVP date central this week. Tues had dinner with one guy. He was really nice! But OMG he was soooo nervous, tee hee. Think I will see him again. He's VERY Italian, but still nice. Wed had dinner with the guy I had coffee with and it was friggin' awful, he said NOTHING unless I asked him questions and to elaborate. No conversation flowing, just me talking rubbish. Only thing he managed was some icky sexual innuendos that were highly inappropriate and unnecessary. He wants to have dinner tonight - nah uh. Had a drink on Thursday with a guy who is, like, my male equivalent. Firstly he LIED about his height, said he was 5'7" and he was MY height when I was wearing 2 inch heels. But he runs and does Bikram too. He, however, has no balance. Doesn't drink much, go out much or do anything but exercise really. Will think about seeing him again. To be honest I felt like a big blimp walking next to him so, hmm, maybe not.

Have range of highly inappropriate men contacting me. Seriously, why would I want to go out with a 47 year old with a 22 year old son? The son is closer in age to me! And have had a 24 year old and 25 year old contact me. OMG, do not want to be a babysitter. My friend, who is my age - 30 - is going out with a 27 year old guy and has enough problems with that gap. Mind you, they get along great ... but every now and then his immaturity and inexperience in relationships becomes a problem.

Anyhoo, crappy wet, windy and cold weather this weekend so I am doing serious cleaning and sorting of clothes. Still haven't thrown out enough pairs of jeans to warrant buying a new pair ... own something like 9 pairs now, but really only 2 pairs are suitable AND fit, all the others are too big and one pair is a teeny bit too small and very light denim so really more suited to summer stuff.

Anyway, I'm soldiering on 'cause that's what I do.

World of Pain

2009-05-18T08:32:00.004+10:00

Self-inflicted of course! Yesterday was the SMH half-marathon. I am trying very hard not to be disappointed that I ran 1hr57min and not 1hr55min as I had wanted to. There were a number of factors that went against me ... or that affected me I guess. The main thing was the insanely packed field - 10,000 people (or a fraction over), and because it was a two-lap course, the road was divided in two AND there were cars parked on it. So I spent a lot of time ducking and weaving to try to get ahead of slower runners ... actually no, I spent the ENTIRE time slowing down, speeding up, sprinting, running side-ways to get around people. It drove me mad AND wasted a lot of precious energy. I was dead on pace at the 15km mark when I just decided I could NOT do any more weaving after I nearly tripped myself and someone else over ... this happened to everyone, it's annoying and unfortunate but can't be helped.

There are a range of other things, not worth going into. Strange temperatures, upset stomach (weird reflux - ew!), shoes weren't right and - especially - my head wasn't right. The negative thoughts nearly drove me mad! Main one was the physical thing ... I am not a born-runner and I do not have a nice slim runner's build. I am short and muscular, I won't say stocky because I hate that word. But I have thighs and boobs and a butt. Running along with gazelles in their little short shorts and tiny tops and slim arms and thighs ... and everything, just added to my pain. Thinking "god, look at yourself! You don't belong here!" blah blah. Argh! Anyway, I am putting that down to the fact I was PMSing badly, tired and stressed by work etc.

I was having a whinge to a friend of mine yesterday evening, and he very patiently listened to me whinge and bitch on about it all for about two hours and finally said "okay, so when are you going to stop going on about this magical 1.55 and realise that you just ran a half-marathon?" So ... I shut up! I ran a half-marathon! And I finished something around 2,000 people cannot say. And I beat my time from the last race, which had 4,000 entrants not 10,000 and was not a two-loop course.

Now, I am still a bit bummed ... but frankly the pain in my body is taking over all thoughts in my head. Dear god, everything hurts! Well, not everything. I could probably name some parts that aren't too bad ... my hands, for example, are fine. Ha ha.

Okay, that's enough ranting for now. Note to self: 21.1km is HARD.

I survived

2009-05-10T15:33:00.004+10:00

'Touch wood' I haven't come down with anything yet. Could not sleep on Friday night, despite being absolutely exhausted, because of stomach pain/fever etc, which made running 11km on Saturday a bit of a challenge. But I still managed to shave a clean minute off my time to finish 11km in 59mins, which is pretty much bang on the time I want to do the half-mara in. It hurt though, but think that was more due to the week's activities (and Friday's Pump) than anything else.

Rushed home after running for a super quick shower, clothing decision, hair dry, make-up application for my first RSVP date! Yay! It was awesome. We met at 11am, had two coffees (well, coffee for him and peppermint tea for me - stomach wasn't so hot) and talked and talked and talked. When I looked at my watch it was 1.30pm! Oops. Two and a half hours of chatter, no wonder I was feeling a bit tired. He had to go and I had to go to the beauticians to start my laser hair removal treatment, obviously did not tell HIM that bit. Sooo, we shall see I guess? Was incredibly nerve wracking, but surely will only get better?

Laser hair treatment ROCKS, faster than waxing, less mess and should last longer too. Not nearly as painful, although didn't feel THAT great. Was more like a little sting that the sudden rriiiiip of waxing.

After that just caught up with some work colleagues who I've known for nine years (!!!) and we talked about when we worked together back in 2000/2001 and the stupid things politicians did.

Managed a very light 5km run this morning, where I took it very easy (30mins) to try and work out the soreness in my legs and back. Wasn't TOO successful, but at least I feel like I've done something. Otherwise I am doing washing like a demon, cleaning and NOT looking forward to work tomorrow. Where does the weekend go? Boooo.

Oh urgh

2009-05-08T19:22:00.003+10:00

I am coming down with something and I do not want to get sick and cannot afford to get sick as I am only a week away from the half-marathon. Boo hoo! Have fever, body aches, pains in the stomach and just generally feel like RUBBISH. This is pretty much the only time I hate living alone as there is no-one to whinge to (hence, why I am here!), and no-one to make me a cup of tea or some toast or FIX me. Blaaah.

Ha ha, yes I know I sound pathetic ... and I probably am right now. I am big shivering mess despite good amount of paracetamol/water etc, just goooo awaaaay bug thing that is attacking me.

As for RSVP, jaysus that place is a nightmare. Do people not read profiles? I have had some contact from people who are so far out of my "ideal partner" description it's not funny ... especially in age. Seriously, you have to wonder what they are thinking ... urgh, on second thoughts I probably don't want to know what they're thinking. Nothing terribly interesting yet ... although DID just get a "kiss" from a HOT SCOT (I luuurrrve Scottish accents) who looks kinda like my kind of guy, although he also reminds me of a real GIT I went out with about three and a half years ago, but I'm probably just projecting.

Will keep you posted on any date action ... although right now I think any guy would be wise to ruuuun for his life so I do not infect him with whatever's invading my system. Oh, and I look like sh*t anyway ... nice dark circles under eyes, white as a ghost with a nice grey tinge. Faaaabulous dahlinks.

*sigh* I'm going to bed I think, supposed to meet running group at 6.45am tomorrow ... we shall see!

Serious Improvement

2009-05-07T07:14:00.003+10:00

Wow! Yesterday was just fantastic. Work - blah, standard. Did Pump at lunch to break my out of the office, standard Pump - took it a tiny bit lighter on the legs so I'd have something for running training. It worked!!!

We did 3x2000m sets, with the first 1000 at "race pace" or how fast we need to run to get our half-mara, which for me is around 5.45min to get in at 1hr55min, and the second 1000 was basically as fast as we could maintain. Well, I kicked it's ass! I felt great, although the last lap was a killer as I really kicked it up a notch, but I really felt comfortable. It's all numbers, but I did the first 2km in 11min, the next 2km in 10.45min and the last 2km in 10.30min, each time the first km was around 5.40 up to 5.50min - it's quite hard to pace yourself around an oval, which means for the second km I was doing UNDER 5min ks!!! Which I have never done before. Of course I couldn't maintain it for more than a few kms, but it shows I'm getting better/faster/stronger. How exciting. Finally some serious results.

Now, if only the scales would cooperate, they seem to be stuck! But at least not moving up despite PMSing like crazy right now. Thankfully I can acknowledge the fact that my hormones are going crazy and causing me to think things like that I miss my ex and wish I could talk to him. I do really miss him ... but I know we're not good for each other and if I were to suggest a friendship he would not see it that way. I've only just managed to get him to stop texting/calling me every few days so I will leave it alone for a little while longer. But on Sunday evening I was soooo tempted to text him saying "I really miss you, can we at least be friends?" But no, that way madness lies. Much better to simply suck it up and wait for the feeling to pass.

Sorry!

2009-05-04T18:56:00.003+10:00

Sorry about ranting on Saturday night, I think I underestimated how tired I am. I suck at being physically and mentally tired, it heightens all my negative emotions or something and I can't think straight. Have pretty much got over the four factors that were affecting me ... although yesterday went running and did Pump, and went running this afternoon so the sore bit is still lingering.

Haven't heard from that friend, and another friend who knows her quite well said she would never apologise or back down from any of her comments so I basically had two options. Confront her and tell her how much she upset me, which probably wouldn't work anyway as I was clearly upset on Saturday and still she carried on. Or to just pretend it never happened, but if she ever does it again to shut her down immediately.

I'm going for option C, the politician option. Ever seen a politician answer a question they don't want to? Hah, very rarely because they simply ignore the things they don't like. I am taking this approach, I am simply not going to contact her. Usually I initiate contact because I'm the one with my life booked to the hilt with gym/Bikram and gym sessions and she is relatively commitment free, but not this time! Just going to let things fall away and see what happens.

Death of a friendship ... must be a book in all this somewhere. Pity I don't have the disposition to take it on. One day maybe.

Oh, and inspired by Frankie I jumped back on RSVP with both feet. Bloody hell! Haven't had nearly as much success (ie: nothing hot!) but some interesting contact ... and who knows, it might be fun! It might SUCK royally too, but what the hell ... dating sucks anyway, at least this way I can make sure they're not ... I dunno, weird lookin' ... whatever that may mean. I guess I just know what I like and what I don't like. I know it's bad, but I just know I need someone taller than me. Mind you, I am 5'2" or 157cm so if a guy is shorter than me ... well, that's not likely.

Looking forward to an early night. The body is achhhing today, especially after the run ... and it's cooled down so quickly - the heater is showing NO authority right now, think I will crank it up.

Only three more days to work this week. Yay! Rest of the month is utter HELL. But I will survive!

Tired, sore, frustrated, confused and upset!

2009-05-02T20:07:00.003+10:00

Okay, WTF! I've had the best and worst of things today. First, the best! We did our 11km city run - one loop of the two-loop track for the half-marathon in TWO WEEKS. It was pretty easy for a hill runner like me and I got the 11km done in 60.23min, I was aiming for an hour but I reckon I can say the 23 seconds (plus MORE) was spent at traffic lights. HATE running in the city for this reason, thankfully on race day we'll get to run in the middle of the road as the streets are closed. Anyway, I felt FANTASTIC ... I started off frozen to the bone, so cold my feet were numb and it took at least 10mins before I felt even remotely warm and 20 before I started to sweat. I just had such great energy in my legs and mentally I felt great, only low point was when I realised I REALLY needed to go to the loo. Hate stopping for a loo break as I always find it so hard to get my pants back on if I'm sweating a bit, so I decided to ignore it for a while and - yay - the feeling went away.

So that was all good. Now, here's the bad. I drove 30mins to my friend, B's, place which she had just moved into today. B is the one who has left me frustrated, confused and upset. Why? Well, I'm still so upset that it's hard for me to articulate it ... but I will describe some of her actions, simply because I NEED to get this stuff off my chest. First of all, she doesn't ask me how I am or about my life for the entire three hours I'm with her. Not even "oh, and how are you?". No, it was all talking about her "boyfriend" or rather, supposed boyfriend. They dated for, like, three weeks before she got sick of his inaction and started ignoring him ... at which point they had some bizarre phone conversation during which they decided they were more than friends and more than just dating, they were "serious" and "exclusive". All this without so much as a hug! Weird eh? Anyway, he's - strangely enough - gone weird (although frankly, he was already weird) and so I listened and made supportive noises. Although I do believe that she is genuinely hurt that he's treated her with such indifference, and I do know how much that hurts.

I helped her put her bed together, make the bed, put her Ikea wardrobe together (which was extremely heavy and frustrating work, friggin' allen keys can BITE me) and then drove her to a nearby pub - which I LOVE - for lunch. This is where it allll goes pear-shaped. Okay, so my body is sore. In the last seven days I've run 18km+7km+5km time trial+11km, done Bikram, done to Pump classes and done a 1hr20min cardio session of my own making at the gym. I know it's my own doing and I've chosen to do it, but that does not mean that when I sit down in a rather low chair at the pub I'm not permitted to say "ouuuuch" when my hammies, gluts and quads scream in protest. I wasn't asking for sympathy or comment, I just couldn't help it! To this she rolls her eyes and says "you've got no-one to blame but yourself", adding that she doesn't understand why I want to do a half-marathon because "it's so boooooooring" - more eye rolls.

Fine, whatever. I realise that running isn't for everyone. And frankly, I really only do it because for me it is my ultimate challenge ... as a fat kid and fat teen I hated running because I couldn't do it well/fast and people teased me when I did it. These days ... I am still don't run especially well and definitely not fast, but I constantly challenge myself because it makes me stronger - physically and mentally, and I feel like somehow I am replacing bad childhood/teen memories about running with GOOD ones like crossing the finish line for the half-mara and making new friends, friends and family telling me how proud they are of me etc.

So yeah, frankly she doesn't have to think MY running a half-marathon is interesting or exciting, but as one of my good friends should she not at least be mildly supportive? Or - if she really feels so strongly about it - say nothing? Grr, strike one.

Then, we start talking about her new flatmate, Fireman Nick. He sounds so lovely and I feel a bit sorry for him with her moving in, because I don't think he knows what he's got himself in for (they met on Flatmate Finders - total strangers). Anyway, she tells me that she thinks he's the male equivalent of me because there are "running magazines, health food, vitamins and shit lying around". Um, yeah ... I don't take vitamins because I eat a fabulously healthy diet (minus the chips I had at lunch ... but I was upset), and frankly it's MY house. She stayed with me for four days last year when she had NOWHERE else to go and never said so much as thank you or offered to pay for any groceries etc, and helped herself to my stuff including my clothes! Anyway, that's how she knows about my running mags etc because SINCE then she has only come back to use my internet when she didn't pay her bill.

Okay, so thinly veiled attack on running and stuff again. I ask her about Fireman Nick, and it turns out he's single etc etc and I was like (kinda joking) "Hellooooo Nick". To which she tells me that he would never go for me because I'm too "stuck up". Um. Okay. This is my FRIEND telling me this. WTF? I was like "do you think I'm stuck up" and she back-pedals wildly saying noooo, but I think you give that impression. Umm, told her that was no better and to explain. So yeah, when I meet new people I tend to be a bit quiet because I'm shy and not 100% confident in myself. I was unhappy and overweight for a long time, and although I've now lost weight and feel a lot happier (except today) I still have my "fat girl" insecurities, especially in foreign crowds of people. So this is apparently where I come off as "stuck up", because I keep to myself.

Anyway, I having said that it doesn't take me long to warm up ... not long at all, especially if I can get talking with someone and find something in common with them. Know what I mean? Oh god, anyway ... it REALLY hurt my feelings. I am from a very modest family and I really do believe that I give everyone an equal chance ... SHE is the judgemental one because she thinks $$ is everything because she's from a multi-million dollar family and earns over $100,000. I could do her job ... but I choose not to because I like having a life and time to DO stuff. ARGH.

I asked her to explain, further, what she meant. So she changes her story and tells me no, I am not stuck up, I am fussy/picky. Uhhh, what do you mean - I asked her. And she ... I cannot believe this ... she attacked my other friends, the friends who I am closer to than her! I am not kidding. My two BEST friends, from high school, A and G. She says that THEY are clearly not picky because of some of their bad choices with men. A particularly. And yeah, A has made some very ... unwise decisions on men, sometimes with disastrous results ... but it was simply because she gives everyone a chance to prove themselves, and sometimes it just hasn't worked out. G stayed in a not-so-good relationship for seven years ... probably three years too long, and it's taken her a while to get over. But my supposed FRIEND says "look at her! She's so selective she'll never find someone until she's 45 and desperate". WTF! Again I say, WTF.

She then picks on a friend who I was recently bridesmaid for, a friend from uni and high school who has stuck by me through a LOT of sh*t and bad times and helped me when I was at my lowest. I love her dearly, but genetics or whatever have not been kind to her ... her features are a bad mix, you know? Big nose, eyes too close together, terrible skin which she does NOT help by picking at it etc. Anyhoo, she says "you know, maybe the reason she's married and you're not is because she's not picky". Oh. My. God. Seriously, I am not picky ... I haven't rejected anyone for their job, there has been no-one around TO reject for anything! Oh, except that knob married guy BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED.

I was SO hurting inside, I just said - in a very quiet and controlled voice - that she had just criticised three of my best friends who she knew nothing about and who each meant a LOT to me.

Oh god, there was other stuff too ... I just can't talk about it. We both went VERY quiet, and I drove her to the local supermarket so she could buy some food and then home again. She said NOTHING. Not even thank you.

Now I am soooo hurt and upset (and frustrated). I WISH I had just told her to shut up and gone off at her, but we were in public and ... dammit, I am too polite. Polite might not be the right word ... but I just didn't want to cause a scene etc. Well, enough! I am giving myself this week to cool off, and she is going away from Thurs - Tues, and then I am going to organise to see her and I will explain to her how much she has hurt me and ... see what she has to say. I do not want to let the friendship go ... she helped me and was my support team when I first started to lose weight, and it meant and still means a lot to me. I feel bad for her because she has put on quite a lot of weight and now I am much smaller than her, the tables have turned etc. I don't know or understand how she's feeling ... but to her image is everything, so for me to be slimmer/fitter etc than her ... it's clearly bothering her!

Ahhhh sh*t, I just want to go to bed. And you know what ... it may only be 8.50pm but I'm tired, sore, frustrated, confused AND upset, and I'm an adult and can make my own decisions ... so I'm going to bed!

Happy Days!

2009-04-30T08:00:00.003+10:00

Hurrah! We had our last time trial before the half-mara last night. My aim was to get under 27.43 and I SMASHED it ... 26.25! Whoo hoo. I must thank the guy who paced off me from the 3km mark and then MAJORLY peed me off when he attempted to overtake me on the last lap (we were running on a 500m track). Seriously! You're not gonna use me as your "pace car" only to run past me at the final post. Nah Uh! So we practically had a sprint finish ... and I won!!!! Yeaaaaah!

It was just as much a mental challenge as a physical one. The first 2km I found REALLY tough because my head was just saying "can't do this" and "don't want to do this" and similar. I just tried to ignore my brain and concentrate on getting my body into a good rhythm and pace, and soon after the 2km mark I felt much better physically and mentally, managing to get my brain into thinking "yes, I can do this". I heard this guy pick up his pace to follow me (3km mark) and I was still feeling positive until the lap he started trying to overtake me. Seriously, there was something in me that just wanted to give up, slow down and let him overtake me - rather than push 110% and still lose to him. BUT I managed to kick myself in the head and get "mad" almost, thinking "you douchebag, you're not gonna follow me and then beat me!" etc, and instead of thinking "I can't do this" I was thinking "YES, you can, YESSSS, you can". And when I did and could, it was just an amazing feeling. Turned around to my follower and thanked him for the "push", he laughed and said it had nearly killed him. Ha ha. Ahhh, I know it's a small and petty victory, but I did it on my own two feet without any help.

Another reason for happy days, days OFF. Have five in a row. Just plan on doing NOTHING but catch up on sleep, switch over my wardrobe from summer to winter (boo hoo, it's time - I've finally put the heater on), read some books and catch up with friends.

After my recent dating DISASTER I feel like I'm ready to get back into the dating world. Will give myself until after the half-mara - when my commitments will ease off a bit - and then try some RSVP action! Why the hell not? The worst that can happen is I have a few bad dates?? So long as you play it safe - public places, short dates, and tell people where you're going.

Anyhoo, that's my life for the moment.

Hurting

2009-04-28T15:23:00.003+10:00

Did Bikram class yesterday afternoon for the first time in about three weeks - since the running fall that saw me bloody my hands up and bash my knee/shoulder. I pushed it HARD, I was SO happy to be back ... and now everything hurts. I WAS going to go to the gym after work ... but I really do not think I have anything to give. I am going to skip it tonight and have a good dinner and early night, then do Pump in the morning plus some extra cardio. Have running tomorrow night, 5km time trial, MUST shave some seconds off the last time ... but considering it was pissing with rain and I took the first KM out VERY slowly (ie: 40secs slower than the rest) I think I will be alright.

So yeah, everything is hurting from my neck to my ankles. But it's a good hurt and it will get better.

18km and ANZAC Day

2009-04-27T09:03:00.002+10:00

Every year I pledge to go to a dawn service somewhere for ANZAC Day, and every year I am thwarted! Last year I had to work, this year I had to run 18km ... well, I chose to rather. It was a fantastic run. I felt great up until I would say the last 2km when I died in the arse a bit. Although to be honest it had more to do with mental rather than physical issues, my mind was full of negative thoughts (about myself and my abilities). Oh well, three weeks to the race.

We had two extremely emotional and moving speeches before our run. One was from a lady who has battled with breast cancer for 18 years, since she was 27, and survived. She's in remission if you can believe it. Dear god though, there were some almighty stuff-ups on the part of her medical team! Note to self - find a good doctor and stick with them. This lady is the reason I am running with CanToo and raising money for cancer research, it not only raises money for research but it raises awareness. Check yourself, know your body etc etc.

The second speech was even MORE upsetting, from a good friend of mine S. She is the light of my life ... well, one of them, but she really is a ray of sunshine. She's supportive, friendly, warm, considerate and lots more of those things. I knew she suffered from bi-polar disorder, but on Saturday she told us how before CanToo she had spent months in hospital because she 'didn't want to here anymore'. Dear god, it tore my heart out to think that this bubbly girl who loves life might never have come into my life or found her way out of the darkness. It was one of those times I wished I could find just the right words to convey to her everything that was going on in my head - I care about you, you are special in this world, I am here for you etc etc. Instead I just gave her a big hug and shed a few tears with her! Hee hee.

Anyhoo, enough of the soppy stuff. After the run I raced home to get races ready! Had three dresses picked out, with matching fascinators and shoes. Gah! I could not decide, so quickly texted a friend who gave me v. good advice and I was set ... well, it still took me a
good hour to get myself sorted. My limbs had stopped responding as they normally do, body was HATING me after the run. Especially the knees.

The rest of the day was relatively standard - struggling with Sydney public transport, crowds, trying to get an over-priced glass of champagne, watching horses fly past ... watching people play two-up, laughing at guys in uniform misbehaving. Think wearing heels for 10 hours did more damage than the run though, the next day my feet were THROBBING. And I think I had about 10 glasses of champagne all night ... and one beer. Hah, oopsy. Oh well, ANZAC Day is (thankfully for my liver/kidneys) but once a year, so you have to put in a good effort.

Now I'm on the serious three-week super clean/angelic living challenge for the half-mara. I know I can run the distance, I can go under two-hours too, not sure for 1hr55min, but there's always September. Just want to keep running and not go up on the scales. Recent behaviour (PMSing) has seen some naughty toast AND even a chocolate bar creep in!! V. naughty.

God, I need sleep

2009-04-17T20:41:00.003+10:00

Could not for the life of me sleep last night ... so many thoughts going through my head. So tired today and feeling utterly vile ... none of my clothes fit right (too big), but trying not to spend any $$$ on them for a little while. Weather has turned to weird in between seasons, and nothing seems suitable. Oh, and just feel disgusting! Saw all these pics of myself at a friend's wedding and just thought I looked dreadful, but everyone was telling me I looked great ... and know I have lost weight, so what's going on???

Have put it down to hormones and being really tired ... will reassess in the morning! Oh, before the 18km run we're doing. Whoo hoo, got my timing chip and bib for the half-marathon in May ... guess I'm really doing it now eh! Can't wait. Just hope I can make it. Goals are 1) to run all the way; 2) to finish in under 2 hours; 3) to finish in around 1hr 55min. Would ideally like to achieve them all ... but have to be realistic. We shall see!

Ahhh, eight hours sleep be MINE.

Super hard running

2009-04-16T13:49:00.003+10:00

I am suffering soooo badly from my antics yesterday. Did 45min lunchtime Pump. Fooooool. I had running training in the evening, counting down four weeks to the half-mara. The session was literally harder than any I've done ... in terms of running. It was 24 laps of an AFL oval/field (apparently about 440m), alternating between a lap jogging for 100m, sprinting for 100m, jogging for 100m, sprinting for 100m followed by one lap jogging at medium pace. Our aim was to finish each one in the same time as the last. OMFG. This was AFTER a four lap warm up and then at least 30 mins of intense core work, including a 3minute plank challenge (which I killed, Booyah!)

Didn't finish until 9pm (started 7pm). Last night everything hurt ... everything! Quads and hamstrings particularly. Had two scrambled eggs and one piece of Burgen toast for dinner, was literally all I could manage before falling into the shower and slumping in bed. Wore my Skins, which are supposed to stimulate blood flow and recovery or something. Wasn't TOO sore this morning, but my neck is a bit stiff (I felt myself tensing up in the last few laps) and my right Achilles is twinging every now and then. Rest day today, and tomorrow will do arvo Bikram. Saturday's run is 18km. Yikes. Hope I recover for it.

Have decided no more Pump on Wednesdays, it's too hard to back up for running. And it's only for a few more weeks. Eeek! I cannot believe how quick the year is going, and how quick the race is coming up. Saturday I'm going to finally spend my Rebel sport voucher my friends gave me for my b'day last year, going to pick some race day pants and get some more Thorlos - the best socks EVER for a sweat hog like me.

Not much other news ... except I am still knackered today and have been soooo hungry. But have managed to survive with some extra fruit and cups of tea. Last night's session was a great fat burner, so looking forward to some results please.

What to do??

2009-04-15T10:24:00.004+10:00

I am so annoyed with myself and things in general right now. I am not complaining, as such, about this ... but two nights ago I tried on this gorgeous David Lawrence silk dress I'd bought, about two months ago, thinking I'd wear it to the races on Anzac Day and ... it's too big! OMFG. I can never trust the scale at home as it's pretty dodgy, but I reckon I've dropped and kept off a good 5kg. Now I have a dress, that I love, that looks awful as it no longer sits nicely and just looks wrong!

If that were the end of it I would be fine, but similar story with a pair of jeans I bought about a month ago, and now I'm pulling some of my winter stuff from last year out and finding most of it is too big! To the point where I decided to wear one of the skirts yesterday, only to discover it was making a bid for the floor by lunchtime - sitting on my hips instead of my waist. ARGH.

I hate shopping, there are so many other things I'd rather do, but now I NEED to go shopping. I literally do not have clothes to wear once the weather gets colder.

Some of it will sell on ebay, but that David Lawrence dress ... I don't know, I love it too much! Booooo.

I remember when I was first losing weight I refused to buy new clothes for months and months, wanting to wait until I was "finished" ... now I feel like I need to do similar. Although will never be finished. Too many half-maras to train for this year. Have less than a month between the SMH half-mara and training begins for the Blackmores half! God help my legs.

In other news, hands are recovering nicely from my stack on Saturday. Knee is still spectacularly bruised, and I have bruises on my hands! The heels of my hands! Quite impressive, and explains why it hurt so much to do push ups at the gym on Monday - ended up having to do them on my fists. Which is quite an interesting experience.

Oh, I fell!

2009-04-11T17:19:00.003+10:00

It should not be a familiar story ... but it is! Stacked in less than 1km into today's 16km training run. Running up one of the big hills, thinking about pace/breathing/body position etc and did not see or appreciate how uneven the footpath was at one particular point. Felt my foot hit the uneven edge and before I had time to stop myself ... splat. Foolishly - but naturally - put my hands out to stop myself, now have several huge chunks/grazes out of my hands, banged one knee painfully on the footpath and now have a rather large, purple and red looking lump. Thankfully was wearing 3/4 pants so did not graze it too badly. Argh.

On the plus side, the adrenalin from the fall kept me going for a good couple of kms! Of course I kept running, ignoring the blood on my hands and strips of skin hanging off. Totally gross I know. Ran 16km in 1hr 37mins, but the last km nearly KILLED me despite taking extra hit of gel. How disgusting is that stuff? It really is putrid. Not the taste, but the texture. Like a big blob of congealed ... um, something. Plus is really quite sweet and sticky ... but does the trick, instantly felt energy come into the legs.

Topped off an absolute RUBBISH week in my life. They say bad things happen in threes ... I think I've had three and a half. Monday evening I locked myself out on the balcony of my first floor apartment, was cleaning it and didn't want dust etc to go into the newly cleaned flat, slid the door home a little hard but obviously didn't realise I was locked out until I went to go back inside. Bugger! Spent about five minutes contemplating whether I could swing myself over the edge of and drop down (about two metres) to the ground without breaking my ankle ... thankfully didn't have to test that theory as one of my neighbours wandered up the street and saw me looking around in what I imagine was a rather frantic manner. He came up and asked me if I was alright, admitted I was locked out ... he laughed, naturally, and got a ladder and helped me down. I am NOT good with heights, especially doing things at heights like climbing onto the balcony ledge and trying to get my foot on a ladder rung that was, what, four inches by 15 or so? Oh well, I did it. Lovely neighbour then let me back into the building, scary bit was when I asked him to call me a locksmith. He asked what type of lock I had on the door, explained it, and he whips out his Video Ezy card ... had the door open in less than 30 seconds.

So very comforting to know my door can be broken into so easily. I was so relieved at the time I didn't think about it too much and am still trying not to think about the implications too much. That was incident #1.

Incident #2 was getting a flat tyre on the way home from work on Thursday. Had 1001 things to do ahead of my "Super Friday" Good Friday BBQ, least of all was to pick up the 2kg of prawns I had ordered, bread rolls and whatnot. Called trusty NRMA who told me they were at least an hour away. Righto, changed it myself with traffic whizzing by at an alarming rate. What was even more alarming/upsetting was the amount of angry honks I got. What the HELL did these drivers expect me to do? Go faster? Worst offender was a silver service taxi that got stuck behind me and sat there honking and waving his arms at me in an agitated state. I totally realise how frustrating it must have been to be him, but it was hardly my fault. God, changing tyres is HARD. Well, not too bad ... but it took me several goes to lift the new tyre onto the bolt-thingies. Tyres are heavy! Had to line the holes in the wheel up with the bolts and then slide the wheel on. Would've been fine if I hadn't done Pump at lunch. Argh. Anyway, I did it. Got the prawns etc and then sat at home with a glass of wine, aching arms and feeling just a tad sorry for myself.

Incident #3 must be today's running stack. Hands and knee are really very painful, have wrenched my left shoulder and it's also aching.

Oh well, must mean I've got the bad stuff out of the way for a while? Please???

SHOULD be going out tonight, but I'm just knackered and sore ... and really need some "me" time, just watching rubbish TV or DVDs, reading and going to bed super early. Had very busy and stressful week at work and found myself awake after midnight most nights, with the 5am alarm bzzzz drawing closer. One morning woke up at 4am, bright and alert, and went for a run. Didn't get home until 9.30pm due to some last-minute filming work I had to do.

Anyhoo, the half-marathon is only five weeks away. That means five weeks of crystal clear living, minimal booze, low-carbs (smart carbs too), lots of fruit and veg and sleep! Must get more sleep. It WAS a New Years resolution afterall.

Urgh, some trouble with my ex of nearly a year too. He's decided he wants to give it another go. Hah, no way, mate, am I going back for round three of being made to feel miserable and unattractive. His tactics have included practically begging, to accusing me of not giving "us" a chance, to accusing me of not knowing what I've thrown away ... claiming we had something special. I'm SURE it was special for him, I did everything for him and looked after him and he did NOTHING for me. Literally nothing. Except reject me physically, emotionally and in every other way ... plus put me down and criticise my every fault. We all have faults, but do we need to have them pointed out to us on a constant basis by someone who randomly says they love us? NO.

Have gone into radio silence ... or at least, am ignoring anything I now get from him. Jerk.

Anyhoo, two more days of the long weekend - whoo hooooo!

Exhaustion and beyond

2009-04-05T17:49:00.004+10:00

Oh. Dear. God. My body is BROKEN. Mixture of good, bad and ugleeee are the contributing factors. Friday - 20 mins of interval training on the treadmill, 2 min warm-up at 6min/km then 2 mins @ 5 min/km and - eeeek - 2 min at 4.30min/km x 8 or so. Plus 20 mins of weights - mainly lunges with bicep curls (5kg each hand), tricep extentions with 12.5kg weight, shoulder work etc etc. Saturday was 12km run, done in 71mins, extreme hill factor. Afternoon was Bikram, then in the evening went to a party in Surry Hills that was soooo boring I was required to drink about 6 G&Ts to survive it.

Got home at about 1.30am and due to my bodyclock I still woke up at 5.30am ... which was actually 4.30am due to daylight savings ending!!! Gaaah. Lay in bed for about an hour trying to sleep/reading and finally got up at 6.30am to do some stuff. After much deliberation about whether my legs could take it, I did Pump at 10.30am. Phew, legs were totally screwed so took it easy on them and upped the weights on the upper body tracks. So now everything hurts! Nice and even.

Drove over to the other side of the city to pick up a small table and chairs from an Ebayer, managed to pack them all into the Corolla - mightly AZJ!!! And then had somewhat harrowing drive back with limited vision out the back window. Survived it, however.

Now it's 6.15pm and I'm wondering how long I have to wait until I go to bed and what I should have for dinner ... or if I can even be bothered to have dinner. Soooo tired.

And it all starts again tomorrow. Although ... having the arvo off gym and running tomorrow (actually, will prob do short 3o min light run) to do some serious cleaning ahead of my Good Friday non-meat BBQ. Not that I'm religious, but it's a good excuse to eat prawns and smoked salmon! Oooh, and Tuesday have a hot date ... outfit selection begins NOW.

The Amazing Flying Woman

2009-04-01T14:42:00.002+11:00

My new nickname in certain circles for reasons that I will explain later on.

First, some running! Had our 5km time trial for Can Too last Wednesday, I was aiming for under 29mins, the first km was bang on target at 6mins, was feeling good and in my rhythm. The idea, for us anyway, is for the first 1km to be the slowest and each one you shave a few seconds off and do your fastest km last. So I was aiming for 6min for the first km and about 5.30min for the last. All night these very DARK dark clouds were pushing in, and just as we started we were given a spectacular display of lightning. No rain though, so we weren't particularly bothered ... everyone seemed to rather enjoy letting out a little shriek everytime it flashed. Unfortunately, one lap into the second km we were told the fields were closed and we had to get off. D'oh!

As it turns out it was for the best as, after a discussion with my friend A and our coach we decided it was better if I did the long run the next day and the tempo run on Saturday morning. I went away for a wedding, waaaay out in the sticks, which was on Saturday and I was in the bridal party. So it meant that I had plenty of legs for the 14km run on Thursday. It was a great run, although I went out a little hard and didn't get the negative split I wanted, but I was bang on time overall. It felt GREAT, from about 20 mins on, and afterwards I was ready to take on the world.

Saturday morning's run wasn't so good as I was knackered and had five drinks the night before at the pre-wedding dinner. Oops. I was also "forced" to eat a heap of garlic bread because my meal was RUBBISH. Urgh. Anyhoo, started to feel good at about 25 mins or so, so ran for another 15 to get some small benefit from it. Whoo hoo.

The wedding was fabulous, although my GOD my make-up was bad ... far too white. I knew the poor girl was in trouble when she started putting the foundation right down my neck - wrong colour! Far too pale, but frankly I didn't really care as it wasn't my wedding and I wasn't paying for anything. The groomsmen we were with were LOADS of fun, which made the two hours of photos much more enjoyable ... although the fact it was so dry, dusty and HOT still made it very uncomfortable. We were all grumbly by the end.

It all went swimmingly up to the bouquet toss when I became the Amazing Flying Woman.

One of the bride's (E) friends who I cannot stand, A, is basically a friggin' cow. She's about 6ft tall and - you will later find out how I know this - weighs 130kg. Which doesn't bother me, but I don't think she realises her own strength or something. She helped me with my flightplan. Actually, she is pretty much wholly responsible for it.

We were getting ready for E to throw the bouquet, and I was just being a bit silly jumping up and down saying "me, me" but we'd all actually already said we'd let M (another bridesmaid) catch it as her and her BF are getting "that way" inclined. Anyhoo, A doesn't like me - a well established fact - not sure why, COULD be because at high school she was slim and I was … not so slim, and now she is a heifer and I am … not so much of a heifer. Mostly. Anyhoo, for some reason she ran up and - as I was jumping into the air - she pushed me with two hands … hard.

Thanks to Newton we all know what goes up must come down … witnesses told me I flew about two metres before landing on my left shoulder, hard, on the dancefloor (one of those temporary/panelled types they set up in marquees and the like) and slid about another two metres ... after hitting my head. I came to rest basically curled into a ball, wondering WTF had happened. At the time I thought it had been an accident - that she'd run into me, it actually wasn't until the next day I found out it was entirely on purpose. OMG.

The lovely groomsmen rushed over and helped me up … and a big crowd formed, those who'd seen it or heard it. A was laughing, and I remember one of the groomsmen asking me if I was alright. Of course I said yes because I didn't want to cause a scene … and thankfully, for the most part, I was alright. Suffering a bit now but nothing's broken.

Anyhoo, they dubbed me the amazing flying woman … who needed to work on her landings. And A was dubbed the freight train among other things! Biatch. Later in the night she was, laughing, saying "I thought you were STRONG" and I'm like "I AM strong, but not when I'm hit mid-air without warning" and said "I know I look fat, but I only weight 65kg!" and she says "oh, well that might be the problem because I weigh twice as much as you". Yikes. No wonder I flew.

For the rest of the night people who'd seen the whole thing unfold kept coming up to me, asking me if I was really alright, telling me they didn't think I was going to get up and that I'd broken something - and one lady said she got her phone out ready to call an ambulance! The next day was worse - because they were ringing E to say congrats, and asking if "that bridesmaid" was alright! Which was nice, but it kind of scared me about how bad it could've been.

Have a mighty sore shoulder, neck and hip ... but considering all the things that could've gone wrong I'm very, very lucky. And I have a new nickname! Although would be much better if it were because I was a super fast runner or something.

Today is a new day

2009-03-23T07:38:00.002+11:00

I have just about recovered from Friday's horrible-ness. Although it would help if that moron would stop texting me telling me he's sorry and that he just wants me in his life, in any way, shape or form. Bah! Have ignored everything.

I woke up with the poem below going through my head ... a bit paraphrased mind you, as I can never remember it all! Damn brain cells killed by booze, ha ha. Anyway, this is my attitude to life ... do not wait for it to happen, do not wait for it to get better, to change - go out and get it. Do not slip quietly into the shadows, stand in the sun and enjoy every second.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

     -- Dylan Thomas

The World of A$$holes

2009-03-21T15:44:00.004+11:00

I've entered it! That guy who I had such a faaabulous night in Canberra with ... well, I went out with him yesterday. A six hour date. It was equally as fabulous, exciting, nerve-wracking etc etc. We were having a great time until he dropped the ultimate bombshell. He's married! With kids! OMFG I wanted to punch him in his gorgeous matinee idol face.

He went on with the usual crap, he's unhappy, he wants to change his life, he thinks I could be the one to help him turn his life around. It was horrendous. As I told that DOUCHEBAG, I am not that girl. I don't care how much I like him ... sorry, liked him, how much fun we have together, how many things in common we have etc etc, I am not going there. Told him if he's so unhappy with his life he should do something to change it, or suck it up and shut up. Moron.

Stalked off to meet friends for dinner, had short bitch about it and moved on. He texted me about 10 times during the night. Ignored it. Continuing to ignore calls etc.

Despite zero sleep I still went running this morning, was supposed to be 12km but I was sooo tired that I managed more like 11km. Going to go again tomorrow morning before work. I need to burn off some serious anger ... although it's not really anger, it's serious annoyance. And I am so offended that NONE of the guys on that boys' weekend, many of whom I was talking to during the night, didn't mention it to me! Including the guy I went to uni with ... in fact he was encouraging me, telling me what a great guy he is. Argh! Cannot believe this happened. Oh, and another gold star to him - he assured me this was not in fact the first time he'd cheated on his wife. Although he didn't think kissing me and leading me on was really cheating. I wonder how SHE would feel about that. Bastard.

So, blaaah. After running had quick shower and change and then went and had pre-bridesmaid disaster weekend facial. It was soooo so nice. Ahh. Keeping very low profile tonight, need to get some sleep.

Back to reality

2009-03-19T15:26:00.002+11:00

Hideous running session last night. 8x400m. I suck at this, I am not a speed demon - my brain isn't calibrated for short, sharp bursts of running ... I prefer the mental challenge of 1hr-plus runs. Argh, anyway, I made it through but felt sick in the stomach for most of it. Hadn't felt fabulous during the day, no appetite (VERY unusual) and headachy, but I figured the sick in the stomach thing was simply from the exertion.

Very early this morning discovered that oh no, it wasn't the exertion ... I have some disgusting, vile stomach bug that is making me wish I could crawl up and die. Or at least have my mum here to look after me. I know she would come to Sydney if I wanted her to ... but I'm sure in another 24 hours I will feel human again. Dear god, I hope so as I have that blimmin' hot date. Refuse to cancel.

Doc has given me a shot of something, starting with M ... I can't remember, I was in a stupor. Hah, but on a side note - if you ever want to go through the queue at a medical centre quickly - turn up looking green with a bucket! There was nothing else that could be done! I'm sorry, I would rather carry a bucket around with me than puke in public. Thankfully I didn't have to worry, was in the surgery with a shot in the arm in about 2 mins.

Very good way to cut down on food intake, but I really do NOT want to be here again. Save me! Or at least get my mum to Sydney :)

What a difference...

2009-03-18T07:59:00.004+11:00

I don't know if it's the Bikram, the running, the Pump or any of the other stuff I've been doing ... but something seems to be working! I am ignoring the scales, mainly because mine are in no way accurate and I hate getting on them in the gym (they're in the middle of the weights area AND are those old fashioned ones which do not make it easy to do a quick weight check), but things are looking HEAPS different. Especially the arms, especially the hated upper arms ... suddenly I'm not hating them quite so much, I'm seeing more definition and when I brush my teeth there's nothing dangling from under my arm! Noice.

I actually think the biggest change is in my head. I went to Canberra to watch my dear Brumbies BEAT THE LIFE out of the hapless Waratahs on Friday, took me ol' dad and my mum tagged along in lieu of my little bro who had to stay in Sydney. Found out - via Facebook - that an old uni friend of mine was going, so we organised to catch up for a drink at the game and head out afterwards. We went to pretty much the ONLY pub in Canberra I know, and I had one of those fabulous nights you replay in your mind 1001 times a day.

The pub was PACKED, but the crowd had such a good natured vibe it was unbelievable (or maybe un-Sydney). The line for the bar was four deep all the way around, but people weren't getting pissy, the bar staff were rushed off their feet but were still friendly, and those waiting were well-mannered and friendly, chatting and following the bar honour code - knowing who was there first and letting that order before them. Bumping into people in the crowd didn't result in a filthy look, but a happy smile! Whoo hoo.

It was soooo hot inside, so my friend and I escaped outside where it was also packed but at least had some ventilation. We sat at a big table which was half-empty and immediately its occupants started chatting to us, they soon left and more people came and struck up a conversation. I love conversations with strangers ... you never know what they might have to say!

Anyway, my friend had gone off to the loo and bar and I was happily sitting and waiting for her when this guy trips on the uneven paving stones and almost lands in my lap. Hah, what luck, I think. We got chatting about the game, he was a Waratahs supporter (sucker) and I enjoyed gently ribbing him about the game. The hilarious twist came when my friend came back from the loo and he recognised her ... from uni, the same uni I went to! Suddenly my mind took 10 years off him, and added some hair and I did vaguely recognise him ... but he absolutely did not recognise me. I didn't think it necessary to point out that since uni days I've lost about 15kg ... oh, and stopped letting friends cut my hair, stopped wearing jeans/RMs/rugby jerseys every day and started wearing heels, nice clothes and make-up.

This guy was with a big group (ie: 15) of guys who were on a boys weekend away ... yeah, I thought Canberra was an odd location too, but oh well! Soon enough I found myself surrounded by these men who all wanted to talk to me, tell me how fabulous I was and make me laugh. They seemed to alternate, introduce themselves, have a bit of a chat before the next one barged in and did the same. Soon I was happily ensconced in a conversation with four of the guys, including the uni guy, and my friend - no, I hadn't forgotten about her.

The next thing I know this gorgeous, gorgeous man good naturedly elbows the guy closest to me out of the way saying "excuse me, we haven't met" ... looks me fair in the eye and says "Hi, I'm XXXX", replied with "Hi XXXX, I'm Amanda - nice to meet you". Then HE says, in front of these five other people, "Hi Amanda, you are absolutely beautiful" ... then moves on to introduce himself to my friend. It was so smooth I wanted to vomit on him ... but at the same time you could NOT wipe the smile off my face ... argh, I'm such an easy touch, flattery will get you everywhere. Managed to pick up the conversation with the original group, but this guy had other ideas ... jostling people around so he could stand next to me and then took the conversation in a completely different direction.

It continued along that vein for the next hour or so, I would start talking to other guys in the group or my friend - and sooner or later MrX would be squeezing in next to me, pushing some other bloke out of the way to talk to me. God, call me pathetic, shallow or whatever but I was LOVING it. It has been SO long since I had some male attention ... despite two years with D!! I had forgotten what it was like to actually be desired by the opposite sex, to be flirted with, charmed and have people vying for your attentions.

I'm not sure if it was me, or the other guys in Mr X's group, but one or all of us gave in and while they would join conversations with me - they realised that Mr X had an agenda and did not try so hard to flirt with me. As for my friend, I TRIED to stay with her - I really did - but she did seem happy in conversation with various guys. I should mention that while I love my friend dearly and loved catching up with her, at the time when the uni guy nearly fell into my lap the conversation well was running a tad dry. We do not have nearly as much in common, she still dresses like we both did at uni ... but with a bit more of a surf edge, and she still makes no effort with hair or make-up. Each to their own, but it made me realise how very different I was to that girl from 10 years ago - naturally!

After MUCH cajoling Mr X finally convinced me to join him inside for a dance. In fact, I think it was uni guy who said "just go have a dance with him, he won't bite!" that pushed me over the edge. On the dancefloor, in front of a pimply uni student cover band who weren't half-bad, we joined the sweaty crowd for some dancing ... unfortunately the song was Funky Town which is NOT really one of the best dance hits in the history of music. There was air guitar ... from both of us. Yeah, it was lame but it was very appropriate and funny. And then, on that sweaty, packed dancefloor filled with uni students and rugby fans, Mr X kissed me! It was absolutely one of those frozen-in-time moments, when all the people around us faded away ... and it was a nice kiss. No tongue, soft and lingering ... ahhhh.

That was enough for me, not being one to partake in pub pashing (hello - tacky much?), I made him go back outside and rejoin the group ... where I found my friend making her escape. I felt sooo bad, so VERY bad for leaving her ... but I was just electric after Mr X's kiss. Oops, my bad. The boys' weekend group seemed to be disbanding, with some going for pizza, some going to other pubs etc. Mr X convinced me to go for a walk with him, to the nightclub where the group were heading next. Naturally I was apprehensive, but he did seem harmless enough and nice.

So we walked, chatted, sat down, chatted. I cannot recall how, but we soon discovered an absolute MOUNTAIN of things in common. Horse riding, pony club, growing up in small-ish country coastal towns, sport, personality, likes, dislikes. It was literally unbelievable. We talked and talked about growing up, about work, about ambitions ... oooh, it was just brilliant.

Anyway, due to the fact I had been up since about 6am, done Bikram, cleaned the house and driven to Canberra I soon hit that sleepy wall that - combined with the six drinks I'd had - was impossible to get over. Mr X only propositioned me once ... but it was a flat out no from me as that is NOT my thang. Not anymore anyway. After meeting up with some of the group, I decided I just HAD to go before I lost my ability to be funny and witty, and fell asleep in the corner. Mr X walked me to a taxi, leaned over the top of the door for a kiss and waved me goodbye.

Ahhhh, a fabulous night.

Oh, and yes - he got my number. Yes, he called. And YES, I am seeing him on Friday!!!!!

Your limit...

2009-03-09T13:38:00.005+11:00

Do you know your exercise limit? I guess you really only know when you go over it, which is exactly what I did on Saturday. As it turns out, my limit is a 8km run and a five hour Bikram workshop ... the day after working for 11-hours, doing Pump (only 45-mins), watching a rugby match, drinking 4 beers and 2 glasses of red wine and walking approx. 3km walking in three inch heels.

I got home at 12.30am on Friday night/Saturday morning and woke up at 6am with glowing red eyes and a nasty niggling headache. Fabulous! Drank about a litre of water, coffee and powerade (not mixed together), eye drops and Panadol and fronted up for the run. We did 2km warm-up, then 10mins of serious core-work, dynamic stretching and we were off. It. Was. Hard. My legs felt heavy and tired ... in fact, all of me felt heavy and tired. I still came home pretty well, I think, but I had to push myself every single tiny step of the way, and at the 3km mark I really wanted to give up. But I didn't! I ran it in 45mins, which was bang-on the time I was vaguely aiming for.

Buoyed by the fact I didn't give up and ran the time I wanted to I raced home for shower, change of clothes and super-quick and light breakfast before heading off for my Bikram workshop. Now THIS was hard. It was basically a Bikram session drawn out over five hours (minus a 15 min break), but with more breaks, more talking (from the instructor) and WE were allowed to ask questions. The instructor was a GODDESS, OMFG. Gorgeous, lithe and sooo lovely and friendly. Argh, good inspiration though. Anyway, she broke down each posture into more manageable morsels ... sometimes I get a bit swept away by the instruction in class, so this was really helpful to actually find out what I was supposed to be doing.

I drove home exhausted beyond belief (almost falling asleep), aching all over AND feeling incredibly inspired and positive. I have been jotting down little notes everywhere every time I remember something amazing I heard/watched and will put it together in a more coherent form at some point in time. For me I think the main message was to choose to live your life the way you want to. Want to spend your life wishing you could do things, but never attempting to do them ... or attempting things once or twice and then giving up? No! Spend your life choosing to follow your dreams and desires, and keep on following them. Further on that, the theory was to hold yourself accountable to yourself, when you go for a Bikram session (or a run/gym class) commit to working as hard as you can on that day. You know, some days you feel 150%, others more like 100%, and sometimes much less. It was all about listening to your body, working with it instead of against it and being friends with it instead of hating it.

Obviously went on a lot longer than that, but it was light a silver shaft of light went into my head and brushed some of the dust off those emotions I've neglected ... things like self-esteem and appreciation for myself and my efforts. Sometimes I just feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

Anyway, a run and Bikram workshop after a night out is DEFINITELY my limit.

Monday

2009-03-02T14:19:00.003+11:00

Feeling 1001 times better today, amazing what a decent night's sleep will do for you.

Here is my exercise plan for this week, unfortunately it is subject to late changes due to work n' stuff, but this is the plan.

Mon: 7km run, 20 min cardio (depending on time), 1 hr pump
Tues: 90 min Bikram
Wed: 1.5 - 2 hr running training
Thurs: Bikram
Fri: 45 min Pump
Sat: Running - 8km, 5 hour intensive Bikram "posture" clinic.
Sun: 30 min light run somewhere noice. Beach? Will depend on the weather.

Adventurous I know ... will also depend on me being able to get a decent amount of sleep at some stage.

Plan is to eat super healthy and clean too. Today is so far so good: 1/2 cup muesli with 2 tabs yoghurt for breakfast, handful of nuts for morning tea, multi-grain roll with 2 slices ham, salad for lunch (no butter of course), banana and box of sultanas for afternoon snack. Also about to have a coffee to give me a bit of a boost ahead of my arvo run. Fallin' asleep. Sure, sure it's not ideal ... but better than being totally zoned out while running. Today actually remembered watch and proper running pants. AND going to test out new shoes today. Well, new-ish shoes anyway. Bought them last year but then developed emotional attachment to the shoes I ran my 1/2 mara in. They, however, are now approaching their final stages - boo hoo!

Well that was stooopid...

2009-03-01T20:54:00.002+11:00

Yep. This weekend has been a write off in more ways than one.\
Physically okay, running on Saturday (12km) was great, was a hard trail run and I felt strong the whole way and even chased down one of the faster runners in the last 2km. Whoo hoo.

That's where the good stuff ends and the crap begins. Went out for drinks with some friends on Saturday night and we ended up having Thai for dinner ... had simple chicken and cashew stir fry and had about 1/2 cup of rice, so that wasn't too bad. The eight or so drinks following was definitely NOT good, nor was the 1/2 pita toasted with cheese (low fat - blah) I had to eat when I got home.

Sunday, today, was absolute utter crapola and I actively made the decision for it to be utter crapola. Breakfast started fabulously with porridge made with water and a cup of tea, then I met a friend for some shopping and had coffee ... and a muffin. Saw a movie, He's Just Not That Into You, which struck some firm and savage blows with me ... realising how utterly crap my relationship with D was ... how many mistakes we both made, but how I should've seen the bloody signs a lot earlier. Ate nice bag of air popped pop-corn, which isn't SO bad, but then ate good handful or two of mixed lollies. By choice! I actively bought them with the intent to eat them. Grrr.

Afterwards, minor hooray, found the perfect shoes for the bridesmaid's gig ... PLUS they were reduced to $60 and it was 50% off that! Noice. $124.95 shoes for $34.50. I was stoked, and I will definitely wear them again.

Then, utter crap again. Went for a few beers and, once again, actively made the decision to have a few DISGUSTING cigarettes. Why, why, WHY? I hate the things, they made me/make me feel disgusting and are the worst thing a person can do to their body. Why did I do this?

Argh, as if that wasn't bad enough I then stoooopidly answered a phonecall from D when I was feeling all melancholy and it was a horrible conversation with him - as usual - talking to me with such hurtful indifference. Why did I answer the phone. Felt utterly miserable about the whole day.

Think I redeemed myself ever so slightly by having nice healthy dinner with kanagaroo steak, baby spinach and mashed sweet potato.

So, what can I do? Well, start a fresh I guess. Suffer dreadfully during tomorrow afternoon's 7km run and Pump class and basically learn a hard lesson.

What's that saying ... to err is human to forgive is divine? I've erred, that's for sure, now I must forgive myself and allow myself to move on from this and not let it become the pattern for the week/month etc.

Step one of the recovey process will be to ... sleep. Get a good 8 hours tonight and start tomorrow feeling a bit more nornmal :)

Friday ... thank god

2009-02-27T17:07:00.002+11:00

Woke up very, very tired this morning. Last month at work has been extremely busy, lots of training and not enough sleep for one reason or another. Anyhoo, had weigh in and check in with the nutritionist and was 2kg down since Monday two weeks ago. Whoo hoo. And have lost 7cm off my waist in the last six weeks or so - down to 70cm (which is good for me). Afterwards on my super sneaky backstreets shortcut to the gym, naturally, took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up spending an extra 20 minutes trying to get to the gym. Was in plenty of time, however, to get to Pump where I had to laugh when the instructor was a lady who used to instruct me at my first Sydney gym! It was a big reunion, and I was naturally THRILLED when she remarked on how much weight I've lost since then ... although was a little embarrassed because she said it rather loudly, and could just feel the eyes of the other women in the class on me, thinking "sheesh, she could lose another 20kg" ... or at least 15kg. Argh, paranoia city.

Anyhoo, rest of the day has been spent feeling v. tired, doing washing, attempting to go shopping for outfit for tomorrow evening drinks with friends but ended up buying (OMG I'm old) a new iron, ironing board cover and handful of undies. Oh dear. Oh well. Figured I have quite enough clothes really ... although, what is wrong with me, Shoobiz is being closed down - Australia-wide - and all shoes were 50% off. Do you think I could find some I really liked?? No. And yeah, I looked good and hard ... but they all just looked so blah, and I just can't handle blah shoes anymore.

What other news?? Hmm. Bridesmaid gig is getting more insane by the day ... cannot face the colour scheme, cannot face the dress, do not want to drive five hours into the country and be partnered in the bridal party by some guy I went on a blind date with over two years ago. Boo hoo. Must remember to take a personal stash of booze! Because they are bound to run out.

Tomorrow is 12km run, looking forward to it! Although must attempt to get more sleep ... weather in Sydney is quite good for sleeping, very mild and not too sunny. Mmmm, sleep.

Scales

2009-02-24T11:37:00.001+11:00

On the scales - I should note that they have been on the way out for a while. Too much travelling. They don't sit at 0, about -2kg, so it's only ever an approximate thing anyway.

Mad Monday

2009-02-24T10:59:00.004+11:00

Okay, so yesterday I went kind of crazy. Went for a very hilly 7km run with one of the fab gals from Can Too, which felt surprisingly easy for me (WTF?), so afterwards I went to the gym and did 40 mins of cardio (bike, rower and X-trainer) before Pump.

Only a little bit sore today too, mainly in the arms as I put my weights up a bit on some tracks ... a good sign? Or a sign I should be pushing myself that hard every day ... which frankly, simply isn't possible because I didn't get home 'til 7.45pm after leaving for work at 5.45pm and I was completely shattered.

Had a big talk with D too about "things" and managed not to get too emotional, and instead say what I was really feeling - that he needed to grow up. I'm all for being silly, loving life and stuff ... but there are adult things you simply have to do. Like clean the house, wash your clothes, buy food, keep track of appointments etc somehow ... none of which he does. Result? He is constantly running out of clean clothes, picking stuff off the floor-robe, the house is FILTHY, he misses things because he's not written the date or time down (a friend's funeral!) and is constantly tired because he stays up late watching TV or playing Playstation, sleep 'til 9am and then rushes to work without eating. And yeah, on the eating thing - he never has ANY food in the house. I'm not talking about when you were a kid and you'd complain to your parents there was nothing to eat ... I mean literally, there is no food in his house. The pantry is full of old rice, pasta, spices etc that other people have bought or he bought and has never used (and has nothing to use with), he never has any fruit, veg or salad, bread , milk, juice, biscuits, etc etc. Argh, anyway ... if that's the way he wants to live, fine, whatever - but I didn't like it, so it was one more of the things I put on the list of reasons why I don't want to get back together.

Anyway, he listened to my mini-lecture. He agreed that he needed to get some order happening and said he'd actually been going to bed by 10pm and getting up by 6.30am every day. Which is a miracle, as he would never do that when I suggested it. He hasn't been in to work later than 8am, which was always a bug-bear with one of his bosses - he didn't care if he stayed 'til 7pm to make up for arriving at 10am, he wanted him IN earlier.

So, he says he's changing things for the better ... and wants to know if I would ever give things another go. Another go? Gaaaah. No. I did say, however, that he was making himself a much better man for the next lady to be with him and she would be very, very lucky. I do believe that - the right woman will score a lucky catch with him, but it's not me I'm afraid.

Back on exercise/losing weight ... I have no idea what's happened to my scales, they seem to have gone cockahoop. Unless it's possible to lose 3kg in two weeks ... which I really don't think it is.

Serious Running

2009-02-22T14:43:00.002+11:00

"And so it begins..." are the words than went through my head as I began training for my second half-marathon a week and a half ago. Last Wednesday I met up with the Can Too mob, with some old and lots of new faces, to start on the journey again. Oh My God. Ha ha. First training session was, thankfully, easy as I wasn't feeling terribly perky. I think we ran about 7km all up so I didn't really feel like I got past the warm-up point. Last Saturday we did an 8km run that was severely weather affected, not so much by the fact it was raining as the fact it had been raining for quite a number of days. We had to ditch our usual run because a creek was flooded and we couldn't cross, dang, so we ended up having to do laps (10!!) around the oval. Sooo boring.

Last Wednesday's run was a 5km time trial after our 2km warm-up/stretching etc and I was once again not feeling SO fab, I only managed 29.05min but it felt really good and I can feel the potential for proper running fitness returning. Not that I'm ever going to be a fast runner, but if I could manage a, say, 25min time trial I'd be happy.

BEST of all, however, was yesterday's "distance" run ... and I say distance because we're really only in the early stages. We did 10km and - whoo hoo - I was first one home. Not sure this is really indicative of the group as one of the super-quick and fit guys was not there, and another girl who is much faster and a much better runner than I am. It's all about what happens on the day though, and yesterday my 57.45min was good enough to bring me home first. It was NOT an easy run for me though, I struggled up some of the hills and hit a bit of fatigue at about the 7km mark. Really should've eaten breakfast ... but running starts at 7.30am, so to eat something and not have it affect the running I would need to eat at about 6am. Must remember to get some bananas or something next week, which is 12km.

Emotionally it's been a harrowing two or so weeks. I am still attempting to properly process things. The most dramatic point was when my ex, D, turned up on my doorstep begging for a "second chance" and saying I was the best thing that had ever happened in his life blah blah blah. It was horrible. It broke my heart to see him hurting so badly, because despite the fact I do not want to be with him and do not think we are right for each other I still love him and care about him. He has been emotionally crippled by the circumstances of his upbringing which mean he cannot let people in, especially people he cares about, because he's so scared they will leave him - like so many people have in his life. And he was treated with such indifference by his parents, and others, that he now treats people with indifference subconsciously ... to protect himself or something.

*big big sigh* All that aside, however, I cannot help him. He will not see a counsellor, he will not talk openly about things without getting defensive. I do not blame him for everything that was wrong in the relationship, in fact there is no blame to lay at anyone's feet - we are simply two very different people who love each other but cannot make things work, for one reason or another. Anyway, I so desperately want him to be happy ... but I cannot make him happy, no matter how much he thinks I might be the one for him I am not. And if I were to go back to him I would be making myself very unhappy and I would only resent him for it.

So, I am yet to determine where that leaves me ... my thoughts and emotions are in constant turmoil about the way I feel about him, how I want things to be, how I WISH things could be and - lastly - how things are. It's so hard to reconcile all these things, but I am trying.

Argh, all that stuff aside I am feeling so very overwhelmed by things. I seem to be so busy and constantly rushing to get something done, see someone, do something etc etc, I feel like I've barely had time to breathe. I am trying though, starting with getting more bloody sleep. I have no idea how I can MAKE myself go to sleep, and stop my brain from churning, sorting thoughts and feelings etc, but I resolve to get more than afew hours sleep at a time.

Scales were/are moving in the right direction ... and in general things are definitely firming up, seeing more definition etc etc. I've had a rough couple of days, and today scoffed about 6 scorched almonds, and yesterday had possibly a bit too much bread. But ... oh well, back on track tomorrow.

So, that's exc

The Big Picture

2009-02-08T17:47:00.004+11:00

Not so much about weight-loss, crappy jobs and the like today.

I am just so horrified, shocked and upset by the stories and images coming through re: the bushfires in Victoria. As I write, something like 65 confirmed dead and fears the final toll is bound to reach well over this. Most from the same few towns, which are all very small communities. This article made me wish I could send the water currently flooding Far North Queensland in the opposite direction. What's equally as bad is the fact it's not over! There are something like 8 fires still burning, out of control, and the best the firies can hope for is to create containment lines and hope they hold.

The thought of seeing a firefront approaching, having to decide to get in the car and leave your house, livestock, possessions etc behind, and then get caught in the road somewhere, surrounded by flames and perishing is just ... oh, beyond words.

I am praying for those people and their families and friends. I hope the rain gets there soon!

So, yeah, today this kind of snapped me out of my bad funk. It made me realise sure I have my "problem areas", but at least I haven't lost everything - including my life - and despite recent back issues, I have my health, I have A job which pays pretty good and isn't totally horrendous most of the time, my parents are healthy and well, and I have my friends who care about me and love me in spite of my flaws etc. While some bodies might be perfect, nobody is perfect so I really should just accept things - the good and the bad - and start to enjoy my life and the pursuit of my goals instead of wishing I could just achieve the goals, thinking my life will be complete if I have less wobbly thighs, more toned upper arms and a six-pack.

I guess for me Living Life Course 101 started today. I hope I get a High Distinction!

Another cranky, ranty blog - beware!

2009-02-05T15:14:00.002+11:00

I am so p*ssed off right now. Just had one of those wonderful "team" meetings where you all sit around and talk about various crap that everyone already knows about. Usually, they're nothing and I spend the time trying not to fall asleep. Nope! Not today. Today seemed to be a chance for my inexperienced and generally limp-wristed boss to take potshots at everyone, and yep - I was lined up for a nice hot shot.

Am I a slacker? Am I bad at my job? Nope. In fact on many previous occasions he has a) begged me not to leave to another department within the company (didn't like that manager so didn't need much convincing); and b) said that I am one of the people who holds the department together and that when I'm on shift he knows everything will be alright. So why am I so angry? We work 10-hour shifts, which is a bloody long time let me tell you, and we get an hour break. Because of the way I like to structure my day/myself I generally opt to simply take a 15 minute break and leave 45 minutes early so I can get to various things (gym, running, beat the traffic).

In today's meeting my manager says that he's really "disappointed" by people not taking breaks, and that it's not cool or healthy (like HE would know the fat bastard) to sit at your desk for 9 hours with no break) and then leave at 3pm. I was the only person in the room who starts early enough to finish at 3pm (my shift starts at 6am), so it was clearly a thinly-veiled attack on me! In front of everyone, he didn't even have the decency or guts to approach me on this issue individually.

So, that's it. From now on I'm going to take that hour break PLUS go out every two hours - like the smokers do - for 10 minutes. I'll toe the line, while looking for another fabulous job!

Douchebag!

Is it any wonder...

2009-02-03T08:01:00.004+11:00

Just a short vent required. Is it any wonder women develop/have complexes about their bodies? I've just finished reading some article about Jessica Simpson "stacking on the pounds" causing her boyfriend to lose interest in her and cheat on her. Gaaah. Number one, I hardly think she's stacked on the pounds ... she looks perfectly healthy and happy! The only thing she could be accused of is choosing less than flattering outfits ... which really IS a bit of a crime considering the amount of coin she has to spend on outfits and people she can pay to make sure she looks good in said outfits.

THEN to suggest the entire reason her boyfriend has cheated is because she's gained some curves is just ludicrous. Perhaps it's more to do with the fact he's a loser scumbag? Huh, huh.

Ahhh, much better.

I think I am slowly making peace with my body. After torturing it at Bikram last night (the intermediate class no less), making some serious progress in standing bow pose (which is supposed to look something like this) to my great delight/surprise, then discovering the joys of Quinoa after finally locating it in the health food section at the supermarket, I caught myself glaring at my reflection in the mirror - my eyes immediately seeking out all the bits I don't like. It seems the only part of me that's not healthy is my attitude! You know, physically I am working on strengthening, stretching and building fitness and I am eating a good, healthy, balanced diet ... and then I am sabotaging myself by looking at myself and thinking "hmm, thighs are still looking a bit heavy, need to trim up here" etc etc. Yes, very healthy thinking.

So I slapped myself 'round a bit and told myself to snap out of it and look at the positives - I had just done 90 minutes of intense Bikram - which is cardio, strengthening and flexibility training all in one - and had noticed improvement etc and enjoyed it. Even if I'm not where I want to be, I am working towards it and I should enjoy the journey rather than just hanging out for the results. Because even when (yes WHEN) I get to where I want to be, I will need to stay focussed to maintain it and continue to enjoy the journey. So ... yeah. I must be nicer to and more positive about my body and myself.

Okay ... oddly segued rant over.

New Discovery

2009-02-02T08:20:00.003+11:00

On Saturday morning my physio appointment conflicted with pretty much every gym class, Bikram class I could do - they were either going to cut across it or leave me with only half an hour to get home, change and get to the physio and not really enough time to cool down so that I wasn't sweaty etc. I HAD thought about going for a run, but thought I'd better wait and see what torturer-physio had to say. So I slept in (until 7am - record for me!), stripped the bed, washed the sheets, hung them on the line, did more washing, cleaning and watched some Dr Who. Walked over to the physio for another torture session, which involved him apologising after noticing the bruises his last few treatments have left. Ouchy.

After that I faffed about a bit more, freaked out slightly after a friend of mine invited herself to another friend of mine's birthday do ... not realising that the friend whose b'day it was didn't like her, so I had to figure out a way to tell her she wasn't invited. Basically, she asked me if I wanted to catch up on Saturday night and I said I couldn't as I was going out with J for her b'day (with a group of others) and she said "oh, so what time's that" and then "oh, and where are we meeting". These two girls ... well, women, have met before and are not friends, but I think my friend just wanted to go out so desperately that it didn't matter who with. Sooo, I could have told her she simply wasn't really invited, but instead I said we'd booked a table at a restaurant and it was booked out. I'm quite sure she didn't believe me, because 99% of restaurants can always make room for one more. But argh, stuff happens right?

THEN I made a brilliant discovery. Went to the gym at 12pm and - it was DEAD quiet! Everyone was probably at the beach or out doing stuff, leaving the gym free to roam around at my leisure instead of eyeing off the availability of rowing machines while I'm on the bike/treadmill/X-trainer. And the weights room was full of harmless, nice dad-looking men who didn't feel the need to look me up and down OR take up several work stations at once. No! I felt quite comfortable doing my little upper body workout ... well, 20 mins of biceps, triceps, back and shoulders anyway.

So, forget about mornings or afternoons - on the weekend it's all about the middle of the day. PLUS I got to hang out in the air con - always a bonus.

Sunday didn't manage to factor much exercise in besides walking from our hotel in the city to Darling Harbour for breakfast, then a swim at a friend's place, plus walking around the city with my bag after lunch/swim etc. Eating wasn't terrible ... wasn't fabulous either and had about six glasses of wine over the weekend all up I think. No booze this week! Bikram this arvo (eeek!), then tomorrow is pump then a swim, Wednesday cardio + pump, Thursday Bikram + Pump and Friday ... um, we shall see how we're going by then. During the week going to do some little 20 minute runs to gauge how the ol' back is going and if all is good then will do good 10km on Saturday morning at whatever pace is required. Then will hit the gym at lunchtime!

Triumphant Return!

2009-01-28T17:57:00.003+11:00

Whooo hooo! I feel a million and one times better than I did at the same time last week ... which isn't terribly hard considering last Wednesday I could hardly stand up and it hurt to walk, sit down, lie down and go in between. Hurrah!

Tuesday saw me suffering in agony at the physio again ... dear GOD in heaven the man is a sadist, but I guess I can't complain too much because I am sooo much recovered. I could still really only manage a good hour-long walk, up some mighty hills around here mind you, but today I decided to give Bikram a go and see how I went. I opted for the 6.15am class because the room isn't quite as heated as it is for the arvo classes (more like 34C instead of 38C+), and I think they shave about 10mins off the class time. I did 95 per cent of the moves, the only one I didn't do or even attempt was the sit up because the instructor recommended I not do this as it's known to aggravate lower back conditions. Which was a shame because I really like them! Instead I did some pelvic work - which my physio showed me - and then joined the rest of the class, felt mildly stupid ... but what the hell, better than putting my recovery back.

So, that is a very good start. Today went to the Sydney Aquarium for the first time since I've lived in Sydney (uhhh, nine years this month!) and had a fabulous time! I saw the Dugongs ... awww, they're sooo cute. And learnt that they're actually most closely related to elephants than any marine animal. Amazing. Walked all over Darling Harbour, and escaped the city before peak hour cranked itself up to full throttle.

Feeling sooo much more positive than at this time last week, mind you I felt like a cripple and really just wanted to crawl - painfully - into a hole for a while. But I didn't! And I've survived the worst (touch wood, touch wood), so things can only get better. Two weeks 'til training starts for the next half-mara, so that's all I'm thinking of/focusing on - being right to start with everyone else. I will do whatever it takes! Still no running, physio said maybe this weekend ... heh, am I terrible if I try it before then?? He IS the expert so perhaps I should respect this fact - and the fact that I am actually PAYING for his advice/service - but I am still tempted. Surely a teeny 20 minute run can't hurt? We shall see, I'll see how I recover from Bikram and today's walking efforts.

Anyhoo, that's really all for now. But I just needed to shout from ... uh, my blogspot, I'M BACK. Yeeees.

Ouch - warning, whinge ahead!

2009-01-23T10:23:00.005+11:00

I just emailed a big whinge to a friend of mine and then had to immediately write another message apologising for doing nothing but complain in the email. Trying very hard to be positive but at the moment, it's quite difficult because (at the risk of sounding like a big ol' wuz) ... I'm in paaaaain. Not workout induced pain, nor heartache pain (thank god), but my-body-is-ageing-at-a-rate-of-knots-and-hates-me pain. My back has gone out. Specifically, my lower back due to a series of events that are completely unrelated except for the fact they screwed up my back. Event #1: Wearing four inch (YES four inch, I'm 5'2" and I need all the help I can get) heels on a night out. Event #2: Sea kayaking for four hours. While this was SO MUCH FUN, it also involves a lot of twisting and bending from the hips and using muscles I don't use in any of my exercises. Event #3: Loading up extra weight in Pump squat track. The clincher, however, is Event #4: Falling on my big-fat butt while walking down the stairs in my unit block with a large box of recycling (only one wine bottle, thank you!) In fact, #4 can possibly the lion's share of the blame - but the others certainly didn't help.
The result for someone with a weak-er lower back due to having an extra lumbar disc which is prone to inflammation? Hellooooo muscle spasms. Serious muscle spasms caused by the jelly-like matter between spinal discs getting inflammed by all of the above events and trapped nerves sending irregular messages to surrounding muscles. Heh, so what does that mean? A few things including, but not restricted to, the muscles all up the left-hand side of my spine tensing up and causing me to lean over to the left, similarly the muscles in my left butt cheek tensing up causing extreme pain when ... well, walking, sitting, standing, lying and going in between the four. It was all agony and horrible. The physio sessions (x2) were similar AGONY with my EVIL physio "massaging" the spasming muscles, remarking on how she's not seen someone so jammed up for ages while she digs her thumb into my hip flexor (about one inch inside hip bones) and rubs the constricted muscle fibres vigorously.
Urgh, I won't talk about it anymore except to say thank GOD for health insurance which meant I only had to pay $28 of $70 per torture ... uh, I mean physio session, and I HAVE BRUISES. On both the inside of my hips, my butt cheeks (oh yes, glutes got a "massage" too) and up either side of my spine.
Okay, so that's enough of THAT whinge. On to the next one which is ... I am SO p'd off about this happening now because I was on a fabulous exercise roll. Pump, Bikram, cardio sessions ... I was loving it all! And now I've got at least a week before I can consider any of the above seriously ... except for MAYBE Bikram. Heh, although having said that this arvo I am going to the gym for some light cardio stuff ... just the bike and walking on the treadmill I PROMISE. It's too hot to just go for a walk outside (it's 41C apparently) so will just hang out at the gym for a little while. Need to burn some calories as I feel like I'm turning into a blubbery whale ... oh, and just ate two bits of chocolate, so need to burn the guilt away too :P
Okay, that's enough for this entry ... far too much whingeing bubbling away inside of me ... will just melt it away at the gym and next post will be filled with positivity and happy thoughts. Promise!

Two slack days and a weekend of mad activity

2009-01-16T13:36:00.003+11:00

Well, yesterday it was revoltingly hot in Sydney even at 6.30am when I attempted to go for a nice 10km run. I ran for 15 minutes before the overwhelming heat and humidity got to me, it was sooo hard to breathe and where I live there was no nice cool breeze to help me. I walked for about a minute to ease the throbbing in my head before jogging home for a shower and (gah - nanna) 15 minute lie down after drinking a good litre of water ... uh, maybe a touch less, but still. Was about 35 mins of running all up, but it sure felt like more.

Went to visit my bro at his new digs in gorgeous Clovelly and suffered from severe flat-envy. OMG, his place is soooo, so nice ... his kitchen is bigger than my parents' kitchen, and THAT is saying something. Bloody hell. We went out for breakfast which included a 15 minute walk there up some pretty gruesome slopes, and the same on the way home ... although slightly slower I must admit. I had fresh squeezed apple, carrot and celery juice and a piece of sourdough toast with ricotta, banana and strawberries ... with honey over the top. Mmm, so good! Honestly it was the best thing on the menu besides the fruit and yoghurt, and I'd already eaten a nectarine so I didn't want too much more fruit (baaaad side effects).

Raced home and then practically ran to the hairdressers where I made a spontaneous decision to chop three inches off my locks! Heh, spontaneous decision helped muchly by the heat - was sooo uncomfortable by the time I got there and I just felt the need to lighten up. Everyone loves it so far ... but I am still unconvinced. It's one of these "long bobs" ... it's quite slinky etc, or sassy as my friend described, but I'm not sure if I can pull it off. I've always gone more for the "cute" and "funny" look rather than slinky or sassy.

After walking home from the shops with some groceries for dinner I was pretty much stuffed and drank a huge amount of water before collapsing on the couch to watch Sex and the City for a while ... heh, well, sleeping in front of the TV with Sex and the City ON it.

Anyhoo - a slack day in terms of exercise. Today will be another slack one as I am meeting a friend for a drink or two directly after work ... wanted to skip lunch and leave an hour early and go to the gym for a quick workout, but now we have something that will keep us busy ALL night so I need to stay until 6pm. Big d'oh on that one.

I've just about come to terms with it all though and will go for a run tomorrow morning and then do arvo Pump before my girls' night out with a fab friend of mine. Hopefully that will relieve the guilt ...

No more driving

2009-01-13T15:53:00.003+11:00

Gaaaah! I am SO sick of my car and driving. I have now done nearly 2,000km in just over two weeks and that is ENOUGH. Urgh.

A stellar weekend of activity though. Arrived on the coast on Thursday night in foul and tired mood owing to stupid drivers doing stupid things and nearly driving off the road avoiding one of them, then nearly hitting another bloody kangaroo. Get out of the way you silly things. Went to bed early after realising I was being a grumpy cow to my lovely parents and brother.

Friday I got up early-ish and went for a good 9km/50min or so then dragged my bro and mum to Pump for their first times! My mum was an inspiration and she stuck to it the whole way through ... although god her technique was shockin', ha ha - but I'm sure mine was my first class too.
My bro was funny though, he may be a buff army stud but he ain't so tough when it comes to doing five minutes of squats. He said he'd do whatever weight I did, so he loaded up 10km on either side. Hah, wrong! He was dying half-way through. Then he did the same for the chest, back, tri and biceps track and decided to go down to 2.5kg either side for the rest. The next day I dragged him out of bed at 8am (which is insanely early for him) for a 10km run and then, ha ha, just watched as he hobbled around like an old man for another two days. In fact, today - four days later - he said his chest is still sore. BodyPump 1, little brother 0.

30th birthday party I attended was bloody boring with bad mix of family and friends, a function room designed for 100 with a max of 40 people rattling around in it, baaaad bad DJ and not enough food. No highpoints really, although nearly died laughing (afterwards) when a hideous male friend of my friend - the birthday girl - TOTALLY hit on me. Don't think he associates me with the "fat chick" who he abused about four years ago for refusing to write an article about the appalling conditions Navy men have to endure. Anyway, he's foul anyway so there was no way anything was happening there.

Had Sunday off exercise beyond a walk to the shops for stir fry stuff, then back to it on Monday with a serious and severe Bikram session where the room was heated to 43C!!! I nearly died ... again! Today just did some cardio at the gym at lunch as tonight have flat inspection from friend/landlord and want to do supreme clean so he doesn't kick me out. Not that it's likely, but still. Need to stay there until I pay my car off and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself for the next few years.

Note to self

2009-01-08T15:44:00.003+11:00

Oh god ... must add another resolution to 2009, wear make-up to work EVERY DAY. Have just run into/been introduced to a group of the South African cricket players ... with a glowing red (hayfever-induced) nose and tired-looking eyes (those 5am starts). Bloody hell!!! Not that I was going to seduce one (ha ha ha ha) and run off with him, but would've have preferred to at least not look like Rudolph's long lost cousin.

Ooooh the shame.

And while I'm here, am leaving for the coast in 10 minutes and have packed for warm weather!!! And it's 20C and windy/rainy. What am I going to do? Bearing in mind I have made a New Year's resolution not to buy any new clothes for six months ... not that there's any decent shopping to be done in Nowra/JB. Arrrgggh. Can probably borrow an item or two off my mum ... heh, some of my old clothes perhaps?

Hah, and one more thing. Had brilliant revelation earlier today. I had/have been beating myself up for not really losing weight in the last few years. But then I realised, I have not gained any weight in the last three years either! I have successfully maintained for three years. I have probably gained 2kg, but taken it off almost immediately through hard work. So, yay!

I have definitely been complacent in the last few months though ... so I'm going to set myself some new, serious, challenges. Hmmm. Stay tuned!

Update

2009-01-07T15:49:00.002+11:00

Day 3 of the New Year's plan and all is going well. Have been positively saintly with food after discovering new spinach salad (English spinach, cherry tomatoes, handful of chopped walnuts, capsicum with homemade dressing) - have now eaten that three days in a row. Have run out so will have to see what's in the fridge/cupboards at home tonight.

Monday - despite being desperately tired - I did Bikram and thought I was going to faint/die/vomit (not unusual - Bikram room gets SO hot on warm days, temp was at 42c) but felt FANTASTIC after sweating Dubbo-related toxins out. Tuesday was going to face Bikram again but was too damn hot, so just did my own gym workout (30 mins bike, 15 mins rower, 20 mins t/m run plus 20 mins weights - ouch), and today I did pump. Whoo hoo. Wheels come off a bit tomorrow as have to leave work and head straight down the coast, so will give myself one day off then go for big runs on Fri and Saturday, and will try to check out the local gym.

Still struggling from sleep deprivation. It's sad but true, but I do believe I'm getting old!

The Plan!

2009-01-04T18:34:00.002+11:00

Oh lord, the last four days have been mad, crazy days. Despite being incredibly exhausting, they were extremely refreshing, re-invigorating and life affirming. Some other time I will go into more detail about them.

I don't believe in New Years resolutions because then I feel compelled to stick to something out of duty rather than because I want to. Having said that, I have made some very vague and loose ones!

1. Figure out what I want to do. Have been tossing up 1001 ideas of what the future work-wise will hold for me, or what I want it to hold. Really time to stop faffing about and find my real career. Be it teaching or something else.

2. Don't buy any clothes for six months! Argh. My reasoning is essentially that I do not NEED any new clothes, I have everything I need for any occasion for at least six months. Underwear is not included as I need at least two new bras (black and white) and haven't restricted myself on running gear as will need at least one new pair of running pants and a pair or two of socks. Made the decision on this one after realising that my clothes - once all washed and not in the ironing basket - do not FIT in the wardrobe or large chest of drawers that I have!! No person needs that many clothes, especially when they only wear 10% of it!

Um, that's really it beyond making 2009 better than 2008, which really wouldn't be too hard.

New plan starts tomorrow. I want to lose at least 3kg before training for the next half-marathon starts. Not doing anything drastic, just going to eat much less processed stuff and stick essentially to fruit, salad and vegies and not eat too much meat. Plus do Bikram three times a week, run three times (two 30 min and one 1hr plus), and do Pump at least three times. After running training starts again things will have to be rejigged around the running schedule, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it in a month.

Anyway, that's all for now. Need to eat nice light dinner and get to bed by 8.30pm ... really need some serious recovery sleep!

Hurrah!

2008-12-28T14:15:00.003+11:00

My quads don't hurt anymore! I can go up and down steps without needing to hang on to the handrail for dear life! Whooo hoooo, break through. And not a day too late either as tomorrow I have big plans for making a triumphant return to the gym after nearly two weeks off due to sickness and being out whoop-whoop for the Christmas festivities.

The last post was not good I realise, but I just need to vent. Feeling much better about the whole thing now. Although NOT feeling good about the Lindt chocolate balls I ate last night! Argh. Only two, but it's not like I need any more calories to inflate my thighs. Argh. Oh well, back on the plan.

Scary Man

2008-12-27T15:08:00.003+11:00

So, this happened a few days ago now - last weekend in fact and I'm still trying to come to terms with exactly what happened.

Saturday was quite a rotten day for me as I felt dreadful, couldn't sleep allllll day. Was supposed to go out on the town with an old friend of mine, S, but obviously there was no way that was happening. Had a bit of a oopsy though as I hadn't heard from her about the night for a good week, and then didn't hear from her on the day until 5pm or so but didn't check my phone until 6.30pm. Then, well, I did mean to reply but then some events took over which kind of distracted me.

A friend of D's and I was having b'day drinks at the nearby but obviously could not go as felt urgh and couldn't drink. However, in the spirit of charity I offered to pick D up from his place, drop him off and then pick him up again afew hours later and drop him home, and then stay. Nice idea right? WELL, this turned into me dropping him off at his sports club's presentation thingo at midday and picking him up again at 5pm - so he could have a few drinks. It was the Christmas Party day sort of thing, so I figured "oh, ALRIGHT". I was sick, but I was right to drive 20 mins etc. When I picked him up he was well on his way - five drinks or so, standing out in the sun, eating crappy food. He stunk! And I didn't feel well, so when he tried to kiss me I was like "don't, I'm sick and don't want to give it to you" and he was like "awww, I don't care". Blah. Then he got upset/cranky because I wouldn't kiss him. Trust me, it was NOT a good idea, I was sinus ache city.

Drove him back to his place and then spent about 40 minutes harassing him to hurry up, ironing him a shirt and jeans, making him have a shower, wash his hair, USE SOAP and the like and finally got out the door and there to drop him off at 7pm.

Went back to my place to watch TV, do washing and generally feel like SHITE until I picked him up at around 11pm. By which stage my sinus headache (dunno if you have these, but they hurt sooo bad your teeth ache) was making me feel ill, my eyes felt like they were burning AND I felt totally weird from the Sudafed etc. Well, D had topped up the five or so drinks he'd had at the sports preso thing with about 5 more so was totally smashed (he's a lightweight). And - I'm gonna say it - while he started out cute, he quickly turned kinda mean. We were driving home and he was kinda rattling away, but talking so loudly it make my headache even worse. So - and I WAS actually nice about this - I asked him to just be quiet for a little while because my head was hurting. He was like, oh right, so do you want ME to drive. Obviously it was a big NO to that one, but that obviously gets him telling me he's not drunk and insisting he drives. Heh, another big no way on that.

But all of this just seems to magnify my sickness and we drive home with me feeling so ill I want to just crash - gently - so I don't have to keep my eyes open, and D sulking about me not wanting to kiss him or let him drive my car.

When we got back to his place it got pretty damn mean. Started OFF with him being all sooky la la, saying he loved me etc … but then he starts telling me I don't love him, have never loved him blah blah, he doesn't know why I bother. You know the sort of thing, he was like "why do you even BOTHER, why are you wasting your time? It's obviously you don't love me or want to be with me etc etc", and frankly I was just too sick and tired to keep telling him I did love him. PLUS he was drunk so I just wanted to let him sleep it off (he wasn't far from the passing out stage, attractive). I can't quite recall what turned him, but he just went off, swearing, yelling and slamming doors. Now, obviously I was not in the most objective of states … but it kinda freaked me out, he had a really nasty edge to his voice and look on his face … not helped by the fact he was drunk, you know how sometimes people LOOK completely different when they're drunk? Well, he looked like a stranger. I've never been scared of him ever, ever, ever of course … but for some reason the yelling, door slamming and abuse (it was nasty) was so out of character I wasn't ruling anything out, so I decided I didn't want to be around him anymore and basically took off. Grabbed my stuff and went out to the car and really just intended to go home and let him sleep it off.

Obviously he followed me out to the car, abusing me all the way and saying "you do this and we're DONE, I've had a gutful of you" blah blah. It really was quite horrendous. Well, I got as far as the end of the driveway and had to stop in the street because the combined effect of crying and having quite bad head cold was REALLY affecting my ability to see OR breathe due to masses of … well, let's just say it was messy! D had gone back into the house, so I thought it would all be fine and sat there quietly trying to calm down (parked by the kerb of course) … but then he comes storming out with an armful of my stuff, bangs on the window and dumps it on the ground telling me to pick it up or he'll leave it for anyone to take. Then he told me I looked like a tool for sitting out in the street (in the car) and storms back into the house.

Urgggh. So got out of the car to retrieve my stuff, feeling well and truly like a tool - a sick tool at that - wondering what the hell has happened to my nice, sweet guy, when he comes charging out of the house again with more of my stuff. Oh blah, it's not worth going into … but basically I managed to EXPLAIN to him that I hadn't driven away yet because I didn't think I should be driving since I was A) sick, B) tired, C) upset and D) exhausted after spending the day and night driving him around. Not sure how/why but he convinced me to go back inside, saying I could sleep upstairs and leave whenever I wanted - he didn't give a sh*t but he didn't want me crashing and killing myself on his conscience. Noice.

Sooooo, went into one of the bedrooms upstairs, slammed my OWN door and basically sat down and tried to calm down. Unfortunately all the upset, sickness, headache and exhaustion combined to make me REALLY sick and I had to run out to be sick in the toilet. Soooo classy. Anyway, D then came up and offered me a glass of water and apologised 1001 times. He asked why I'd run off and I explained it, said while I'd never been worried he would hit me … I know that alcohol can affect a person's judgement etc and you just never know. Said I just wanted to get away from him while he was like that. Anyway, we sat and talked for a while before I decided to go to bed to sleep. Woke up hours later with him stinking like a brewery sleeping next to me. Grrr.

Sunday he was feeling v. sorry for himself, but I did NOT relent and took off early. He rang me several hours later to apologise again, reiterating that he would never hurt me - even if he was drunk etc. Asked him if he remembered the stuff he'd said to me the night before, like about how I needed help because I was "so f*cked up" and wouldn't let anyone it. OMFG, pot calling the kettle black or what. He said he didn't remember anything really, except that we'd been fighting and he'd chucked all my stuff on the lawn near the car. Did NOT have any sympathy as I still felt so sick from being upset/exhausted AND actually sick sick, and basically told him to 'f off himself and never talk to me again.

Gahhhh. He rang me back later, after he'd slept a bit more, to apologise and basically admitted that he only ever saw things from his side and he'd never imagined that I might freak out at him acting SO out of character and being so drunk (he was really gooooone). And mean. He said some mean stuff I have to say. He asked if I would ever be able to forgive him, and I was like "of course, but do you really think I can forget the image of you dumping all my stuff on the lawn and calling me pathetic etc?" I DO believe he was genuinely remorseful, but frankly isn't any abuser sorry after the fact?

So now we're both in that wonderful place we seem to inhabit, relationship limbo. We can't see a clear way forward, there's a huge mess behind us and we're both upset at ourselves and each other. Gaaah.

It's just all too hard. However, my cold has just about cleared up. So much so that on Christmas Day I was able to go for a big run (10kms) which has left me with the sorest quads in Oz after I failed to stretch properly. Fool! I know so much better than that!

Kinda sick and kinda cranky

2008-12-19T17:37:00.002+11:00

Just friggin' perfect I tells ya! Survived 99.9 per cent of the year, including a wet and miserable winter, without getting sick only to fall at the final post and catch a cold. I know I'm not alone here, because yesterday when I was in the chemist buying cold and flu stuff there was a host of other people doing the same thing! Ha ha. Oh well. I hadn't been doing too badly up until then, but now cannot breathe through nose and throat is sooooo sore, not to mention the fact my head feels like it's stuffed full of cotton-wool. Blah, whinge whinge.

Up until this point I had been doing a lot of self pep talking. I actually felt like mentally I was getting back to where I wanted to be. I kept buying slimming and health mags, reading websites etc etc looking up weight loss and motivation tips. But then I recognised my old pattern! Duh. Instead of just doing I was looking for external help. And I don't need any! Well, at least I don't need too much. I realised I wasn't going to get anywhere READING about things, I needed to get back to that place where my motivation was self-perpetuating. IE: Ooooh, I felt great after that run on Saturday, must go for another one. Or, gee it felt good to wear that cute dress and know it looked nice, must keep the focus! Much better to feel like that than wish could hide away from people in PJs and stay on the couch.

Half of it is actually me turning my brain OFF. Stop thinking and just do, stop doubting and just do. And especially when it comes to food. Somehow when I was super focussed I got into the habit of just saying "no" to myself and others. You know, when my mind wandered off and was thinking "hmm, fancy a bit of chocolate???" I would say NOOOO. These days I enter into a conversation with myself that goes along the lines of: "mmm, bit of chocolate/biscuit/cake would be nice right now, I could have a cup of tea with it too", "nah, you don't want to do that - minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips", "oh blaaaah, you sound like gran ... besides, I can burn it off another time", "ha ha, well doesn't THAT sound like a certain person three years ago? Well, don't come crying to ME when your jeans won't do up ... ", "HAH, why would I bother? Right, where's that choclit". Or something, either way - I eat the stuff! So, note to self - do not enter into conversation with crazy inner voice.

Same thing applies to that inner voice re: exercise. Today, and yesterday, I allowed it to win because I was really too sick to argue OR face sweating with running nose, headache, sore throat and slight fever (was only at work due to vastly depleted staff numbers). Tomorrow however will not be the same! Determined to go for a nice long walk in the morning (cannot face running ... although, we shall see) and then get to the gym for some Pump! Supposed to be going out with a friend of mine, but I think illness will have to be excuse to avoid. Not really up for it in current state, plus she can be VERY full on on such nights ... lovin' the spotlight, so generally doing things that draw it to her, but I am often caught in it with her! Heh, at the risk of sounding old, maybe when I was 22 I wouldn't have minded a bunch of drunk idiots trying to get off with me ... now am just too crabby and spot a moron far too quickly.

Hmm, this is a nothing post. Blame the cold and flu stuff, it makes me feel weird! Very soon I will get back to more sensible blog stuff not waffling all over the place but talking about what I want to do and why, and HOW.

La la la.

Anti-social baaa humbug etc

2008-12-12T19:32:00.003+11:00

Not really anti-social ... but I did skip out on the work (one of several) Christmas party today. Why???? When I was soooo looking forward to it. Ha ha. Well, first of all I was KNACKERED after having to work by myself for six hours covering the work of two people because the girl who was supposed to be working with me had some car trouble ... well, the clutch went anyway. That pretty much kills the car, so she was practically two hours late. An ill-timed morning coffee meant I held my breakfast off for about an hour longer than usual, and then I had an apple at 11am which meant that by my usual "lunchtime" at 12 (I wake up at 5am), I wasn't hungry. Soooo I just kept on working, intending to leave with everyone at 1.45pm to go the Christmas party.

Duhhh is all I have to say. Starting to feel well dodgy due to dropping energy levels, plus cup of tea really didn't help situation. Not sure what was going on, drank a heap of water to help alleviate the situation but did nothing. I'm sure it also had something to do with sitting down for, like, six hours straight due to being flat out. At one stage I was even contemplating making a quick dash to the loo, I was feeling so ill. I struggled through though, I cannot face the prospect of puking at work. Gah.

Anyhoo, I think I did the right thing for me. I left early, half an hour early, and got in a quick spot of Christmas shopping. Got the presents sorted for two family members, just need to sort it for two more. Came home and had piece of toast, Burgen Soy & Lin of course, then flaked out on the couch with a cup of tea in front of Ghostbusters. Heh, such a silly movie but packed with classic one-liners. Feeling much better now, so plan to head off to early morning Bikram tomorrow morn before hitting the shops to knock over my last bit of Chrissy shopping by midday.

It's funny though. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and thought "oh god, puffy blahhh" etc, but really nothing has changed from yesterday when was feeling sprightly and fit. Difference? Well, didn't do Bikram or gym or anything. Frankly I think shopping should count as cardio, especially the way I shop (ie: 5 presents bought in 30 minutes from 5 different shops scattered across shopping centre) - marching around as quickly as crowds permit. I hate shopping, it's so booooring. Plus people just get in the blimmin' way. Think the crudite weather also has something to do with it, today only got to 18C and it was grey, rainy and windy. Um, helloooooo - it's summer? Where is the damn SUN and heat. Oddly enough, it seems to be turning up tomorrow when temps will jump by 16C or so to 34!! Well, I prefer THAT to this any day.

Hmm, this is a pointless entry. Think where I was going was that was being anti-social wench and not attending Christmas party with good amount of free booze, good people to talk to and stuff ... but really, I just couldn't face it. Plus it was on the other side of the city and in an area where parking is crap ... ooooh, excuses, excuses. I'm old and tired! Oh, and there are TWO more parties next week - both on my side of the city - which I am definitely attending. That's right - we have four Christmas parties! I think a fifty per cent attendance rate is good enough.

I cannot believe it's only 12 days to Christmas!!! Bugger.

Ouch, OMG and a variety of other whinges

2008-12-09T17:36:00.003+11:00

Ha ha ha. Yep, I've done myself in.
Spurred on by previous disaster weekend, and potentially disastrous week I've successfully hammered myself in two days.

Yesterday I was a shimmering and shining success. The champagne breakfast did not involve champagne, nor OJ for me ... just H2O and two poached eggs on multi grain toast with no butter. Toast was naturally an inch thick, so I only ate one piece. Still not SUPER good, but better than the corn-fritters, pancakes and French toast my colleagues and fellow morning diners tucked in to. Of course, yes, I had MAJOR food envy and had to stop myself several times from launching myself over the table to snatch the fork off my friend, J, and shove the maple-syrup dripping blueberry pancake into MY mouth. Ha ha. But didn't. Did have two skim lattes which left me buzzing for the rest of the day.

Lunch, for my colleague who's leaving work, was also not so bad. I had only ONE beer ... well, we were at a bier cafe - it was the done thing, and had a chicken Caesar with the dressing on the side naturally. Again I suffered from major food envy as everyone else ordered the traditionally Vienna schnitzels, or chicken schnitzel etc. The salad was v. good, but good lord I was so glad I remembered to ask for the dressing on the side (a while ago I forgot, and there was SO much in the bowl there was a good inch at the bottom ... and then, boy, did I feel sick), because it was very very rich and very heavy on the anchovies. I only ate a few pieces of the chicken, but all the tomato (in Caesar salad? Oh well), lettuce, cucumber (again, in Caesar salad? Oh well) and only one of the Parmasean crusted huge croutons. Mmm, tasty.

After that I wandered home for a while (my day off) and enjoyed some couch-action (a nap), did some washing etc and then decided to go to Bikram before my dinner. They recommend you don't drink alcohol 24-hours ahead of doing one (to prevent dehydration), but I had probably drunk about two litres of water and drunk about another litre before the class. Oh boy, it was tough. I have been really pushing myself hard in Bikram lately, to really push my body into the correct postures ... not just hang out in the beginners postures. The beginners postures are the ones the instructor lets you get away with because you simply cannot do the move, but they always add "eventually you are aiming to get your elbows BEHIND your knees, your head ON your knee etc etc". It's been damn hard, and for the first time my first two or three weeks, I've been sore afterwards, so I guess I'm really working.

So, after the sweat-fest that is Bikram, I went off to my dinner appointment with my fabulous mate ... after having a cool shower, drying hair, and attempting to put clothes on despite the fact I was still a touch sticky. Make-up was done on the train ... once my face had cooled enough not to simply melt off. We actually skipped dinner. I was just completely over food, so my friend got some chips and alright, I may have pinched one or two because they were SO damn good. And then we had a good five G&Ts - all before 7pm - and of course a super-fun catch up and bitch session.

My mate starts work at 4am, so we finished up by 7pm so she could get home and get sorted for her 3am wake-up, and I headed home in nice state of tipsy-ness with slight headache. Heh, I actually think you're also supposed to avoid alcohol for 24-hours AFTER Bikram too. Drank a v. good amount of water once home and had some super low-fat (ie, none) and low carb vegetable and lentil soup I made a while ago and froze for these occasions.

This morning I took myself off to the gym for a nice tough Pump class ... well, tough because I upped my weights on a few tracks just to really feel the burn (and yep, I did), and then did a good 40 minute walk which ended with a trip to the supermarket and me lugging home a good 7kg bag of groceries after deciding to get two litres of milk instead of one (it was two for $4), and a litre of Greek yoghurt (that's 3kg right there), plus I couldn't resist the delish looking yellow nectarines, or the menindee grapes (green ones) ... and, for shame, I bought a mango for nearly $4. But I will enjoy it! Will shivering with middle-class guilt. Anyway, it was bloody heavy and I had to walk the 15 or so mins home with it, alternating shoulders (was in an over-the-shoulder green bag).

I have to admit, after that I was kinda knackered. My final day off before back on for 30 hours (in 3 days), so have been doing the usual washing, cleaning, ironing (god, how boring) so I can not worry about work clothes at 5am.

Heh, this blog is supposed to be about me running ... yes, there has been a dreadful lack of super-running of late, well, in the last two weeks, for two main reasons. Sore back from ... uh, undetermined, possibly tripping down steps while on hols, or hitting back on wall at wedding (dancing with some guy who spun me out and ... out I went, into a wall). Second reason, sore knee from falling down stairs at same wedding. Right knee took the brunt of my fall down two stairs onto the ground ... really should've paid more attention. It's still bruised some damn uglee colours nine days later. I went for a short 30 min run on Saturday, back wasn't too bad ... but knee ached like a biatch. Took myself for a good 40 minute walk on Sunday and knee was still aching away, so resting it until Saturday (resting from running that is) and then will do Bay Run and see how it goes.

On the running front. I am so, so, SO desperately sad about Kerryn McCann's death. In case you (whoever "you" may be) weren't sure, Kerryn McCann was Australia's superstar marathon runner. She discovered a lump in her breast half-way through her second pregnancy, which turned out to be breast cancer, but opted not to have any treatment until after the birth of her baby. Kerryn started treatment directly after giving birth (ie: within the hour!) and beat it. Unfortunately she developed a secondary cancer in her liver and, as is often the case, that finished her off. Anyway, I just found it so, so sad because she is leaving behind two young kids, a fabulous loving husband ... and her career was far from over. Plus, on a more personal level, if someone as fit and healthy as Kerryn can die from cancer it's a stark reminder that cancer doesn't care if you've eaten well, exercised, kept healthy etc. Obviously that doesn't mean I'm gonna start smoking again, eating crap etc etc because "if it's gonna happen, I can't do nuffink about it", but it just made me say a secret prayer that my friends and family are spared. Especially my parents. Without wanting to finish on a gloomy note, sometimes when caller ID says it's them calling - especially at unusual times of the day or night - my heart sinks and I almost brace myself for bad news. Eeep.

Back to running on the weekend! I promise. In fact I must because I bloody miss it!